What to do with a rocky relationship 2

Do you and your fiancé or fiancée feel like you face an uphill task in trying to understand each other? Does your relationship seem to be unravelling irreparably due to constant conflict and arguments? Last week I began sharing on ‘What to do with a rocky relationship 1’. This is the concluding part of that discussion.

Assess any warning signals

It may be that you agree on many of the fundamentals of life but your fiancé or fiancée has significant, unresolved character flaws. Issues like physical, emotional or verbal abuse, unfaithfulness or infidelity, criminal behaviour, addictions to pornography, drugs or alcohol for instance, will not go away simply because you share a common purpose in life. A bright future and a gifted life can be ruined by a deeply flawed character. This has been the downfall of many a public figure. They possessed charisma and vision but did not have the character to back it up.

Are there warning signals that worry you in your potential spouse? I’m not talking about trivial things like untidiness, habitual lateness, talking too much or too little, or mannerisms that irritate you on occasion. While such habits can be annoying, the reality is that you are not flawless yourself and the happiest marriages are ones where the couple has learnt to see beyond the minor faults and embrace and celebrate the strengths of the other person. Minor weaknesses are not warning signals. They are simply a sign that you are marrying a human being – not an angel!

So what exactly are warning signals? These are big red flags that indicate to you that marrying this person could result in serious physical, emotional or spiritual damage to you. Warning signals are an indicator that to proceed would be folly. It baffles me that often when I counsel spouses who are suffering abuse in a marriage, they admit that the signs of their spouse’s violent behaviour were evident before they got married. Similarly, behaviour like compulsive jealousy, obsessively controlling tendencies, and inability to stay faithful to a relationship are things that people sometimes overlook in the hopes that marriage will make things better.

The reality is that any negative traits you observe in someone whom you only see from time to time are probably only a tip of the iceberg. If you can see the signs during courtship, a season when you don’t see each other all the time and couples try to impress each other, picture what will happen in marriage when the incentive to impress has been removed and you settle down to the business of actually living together day-in, day-out.

Assess your ability to adapt

Sometimes, a couple will do battle constantly about superficial issues which really should not impact on the core of the relationship. Every difference in the relationship becomes a major event because neither party is willing to adjust their agenda for the good of the relationship. If you are constantly bickering about minor things, it probably means that you are focusing on trivialities in your relationship, rather than what really counts. The answer to this is to lift your sights higher and remind yourselves what your relationship is about in the first place.

Life is an exercise in adaptation. We humans have survived as a species because we have learnt how to adapt to our environment. No matter how much you love summer wear, if you travel to Alaska for a holiday and experience sub-zero temperatures you immediately adapt your clothing to take account of the new realities of your environment. So it is with relationships.

A good courtship is a season of adaptation that prepares you for the new reality of marriage. It’s a period during which you have the opportunity to transition from a ‘me’ mindset to a ‘we’ mindset. The difficulty arises when couples want the intimacy of a relationship without the adaptation required to achieve it.

If every difference in opinion in a relationship is seen as a battle for turf, a statement of your individuality or an opportunity to push your own agenda, a harmonious marriage will remain just a pipe dream. What matters most to you: your agenda or your relationship? Honestly ask yourself, are we trying to transition into marriage while maintaining a single mindset? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the single mindset but you can’t simultaneously hold on to it while hoping to create a mutually satisfying relationship which will ease you into marriage. If you’re too individualistic to adapt, singleness might be the better option for you.

Assess your communication styles

One of the ways to trace the source of continuous conflict in a relationship is to audit your communication styles because very often the issue is not what is being said but how it is said. One of the key learning points in any relationship is discovering how best to communicate with your partner so that they not only hear your words, but they hear your heart. This is a learned skill; it does not come naturally to any of us.

There is a huge difference between speaking for effect and speaking for effectiveness. Speaking for effect simply means that you say whatever is on your mind regardless of how it comes across; when you speak for effectiveness you frame your words in a manner that is most likely to bring clarity to the issue at hand and progress the relationship in the direction of your preferred future. How do you and your partner communicate, especially in conflict situations? Do you merely hurl out your words as they come, not minding the damage done or are you disciplined in how you express yourselves even when you are upset?

On the other hand, is there a deficit of meaningful communication in your relationship? Sometimes, the difficulties in a relationship stem not just from speaking the wrong words but also not speaking enough of the right words. Words are vehicles that can create intimacy and understanding in a relationship when used appropriately. Do you and your partner take time to build each other up with words of encouragement, affirmation and appreciation? The right words are crucial in creating a climate of acceptance, love and mutual respect in a relationship.

Which of these pointers is most relevant to your relationship?

What to do with a rocky relationship 2
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