Does he really love me?
My reflections for this week are centred around the indicators a woman should be looking for to assess whether a man really loves her or not. Why am I writing on this topic? Because I have recently received several messages from women who are being mistreated by a prospective husband…but he keeps claiming to love them. This apparent dissonance between the man’s words and actions seems to throw the woman into confusion and she finds herself wondering, ‘Should I trust his words or his actions?’ For anyone observing from the outside, the answer to this question is blindingly obvious but, for some reason, sometimes when women become emotionally involved with a man his words carry so much weight that she will ignore all other warning signals and believe what he says regardless of how he acts. Why is this so?
Women are generally more verbal than men and consequently we are very responsive to words. This God-given capacity means that a woman can blossom and become her very best in an atmosphere where the man in her life builds her up with affirming, loving words. A godly man will recognise this and will take pleasure in nurturing his wife verbally. However, this God-given dynamic can also make some women susceptible to unscrupulous men who operate under the mantra, ‘Tell her whatever she wants to hear and you will have your way with her’. Unfortunately, women fall for this time and time again, hence the apparent conundrum of ‘Should I trust his words or his actions?’
A savvy woman will be aware of this tendency and will realise that when you are assessing a potential husband, you cannot afford to take him only at his words. There are other sources of information which you must pay attention to in order to make wise choices. One of the most important of these is his actions. Matthew 7: 16-20 (TLB) makes it clear how we can identify and evaluate people accurately. ‘You can detect them by the way they act, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit. You need never confuse grapevines with thorn bushes or figs with thistles. Different kinds of fruit trees can quickly be identified by examining their fruit. A variety that produces delicious fruit never produces an inedible kind. And a tree producing an inedible kind can’t produce what is good. So the trees having the inedible fruit are chopped down and thrown on the fire. Yes, the way to identify a tree or a person is by the kind of fruit produced.’
That illustration makes it as clear as day for me. There can be no confusion between a mango tree and an orange tree; all you need to do is to look at the fruits. Merely listening to the words a person says to determine who they really are is like looking at the leaves of a tree and making assumptions based on that. There are some fruit trees which bear very similar leaves. Ultimately, the proof of the tree is in the fruit it produces. The same applies to love relationships. Actions are the fruits of a person’s character. They are a God-sanctioned detection mechanism for assessing a potential spouse. The proof of love is in actions, not in words. 1 John 3:8 (AMP) puts it this way. ‘Little children (believers, dear ones), let us not love [merely in theory] with word or with tongue [giving lip service to compassion], but in action and in truth [in practice and in sincerity, because practical acts of love are more than words].’ For me, that says it all.
If a man claims to love you, give him time to prove it consistently with his actions. Don’t leap upon every flowery word he speaks to make you feel like you are the only star in his universe. Give him a chance to show you what love means to him in practical terms. Does he treat you with honour both in public and in private? Does he respect your convictions about the sanctity of sex and is he seeking to preserve your virtue rather than pressing to satisfy his own urgent needs through you? Does he value your opinions and recognise that you can make a significant contribution to his decision making process or does he push his own agenda all the time regardless of whether it hurts you? Does he treat you with dignity even when he is upset with something you have done? Does he willingly prioritise your needs above his own? Does he seek your highest good above all else? God’s word is abundantly clear that a man’s responsibility is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for it. Jesus’ love for us went beyond mere words; He was willing to stake His very life to demonstrate His love for us. If the man in your life is currently struggling to give up the tiniest bit of his comfort and convenience for your benefit; if he cannot sacrifice the smallest of things to ensure your wellbeing; what will He do when he is called upon to give up something bigger to protect you?
A man does not need to be perfect to be a great husband but he does need to be able to treat a woman with genuine kindness. Real men take their love beyond words and demonstrate it consistently with loving actions over time. There will be plenty of time after you’re married to make yourself vulnerable to his words but until you cross that threshold, believe his actions first, not his words.
