TomiTalks – Latest Media

How your Money Agenda shapes your Marriage

Sat, 17 May 2025 09:42:23 GMT

Understanding Money Agendas is probably one of the most important insights that will equip you to build financial compatibility in your marriage. Each one of us approaches relationships and enters into marriage with a money agenda and you need to explore and understand your spouse's money agenda and harmonise it with yours to minimise conflict.

The Driver Money Personality and the Significance money language

Sat, 17 May 2025 09:38:52 GMT

Welcome to the world of the Expressive where money means acceptance. Respect and acceptance are the focus of the Expressive's financial agenda. Money is seen as a means to express one’s uniqueness and earn the admiration of others.

The Expressive Money Personality and the Acceptance money language

Sat, 17 May 2025 09:36:06 GMT

Questions to ask before and after you say 'I do'

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 21:19:17 GMT

The decision of who to marry is potentially one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. Who you marry will significantly impact upon the outcome of your life - who you become, what you can accomplish and how fulfilling your life will be. Here are six crucial questions that you should ask before and after you say "I do."

The Analytic Money Personality and the Security money language

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 21:14:37 GMT

Welcome to the world of the Amiable where money means love. Relationships and people are the focus of the Amiable’s financial agenda. Money is seen as a means of expressing love and affection to others.

The Amiable Money Personality and the Love money language

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 21:08:34 GMT

Join Tomi Toluhi for the replay of an engaging live Zoom event designed to help couples navigate money language differences in marriage. During this session, you'll learn how to improve financial communication, and build a stronger, more united approach to managing finances together.

Money languages in marriage

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 21:02:04 GMT

Money matters in marriage

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 20:53:14 GMT

Join Tomi and Martins Toluhi for the replay of an engaging live Zoom event designed to help couples navigate the often-challenging topic of money in marriage. During this session, you'll learn how to improve financial communication, and build a stronger, more united approach to managing finances together.

Money ideas for marriage

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 20:48:35 GMT

Do you ever feel like money has created a barrier between you and your spouse? Maybe arguments flare up over budgeting—one of you saves while the other spends—or you feel nervous to even suggest spending. It’s as if you both see money completely differently, and before you know it, finances are creating conflict instead of connection.

The truth is, money is one of the most challenging aspects of any relationship. But understanding the unique way you and your spouse view money can drastically improve the strength of your connection and sense of harmony in marriage.

Here are three things that could transform your marriage and help you build greater financial intimacy

Why Values in Marriage Matter

Wed, 18 Dec 2024 15:47:19 GMT

Sharon was a God-loving, go-getting, hard-driving, ambitious woman with grand dreams of conquering the world. She had all her plans carefully laid out. She would own her own business by 35, hit her first million by 37, exponentially grow her business and by 40 she would branch out into real estate acquisition. Her ultimate goal was to make millions, not for herself, but to provide a better life for orphaned children in her community. She had felt the pain of being parent-less and passed from relative to relative with no real stability growing up. She knew what it felt like to go to bed hungry and cold. No child should ever have to go through what she went through growing up. She was determined to do everything in her power to rescue, nurture and care for as many orphans as she could.

Mark was a stable, godly, focused man with the ministry on his mind. For as long as he could remember, he had always felt a divine call to be a missionary. Reaching unreached people-groups was his consuming passion. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to spend his life preaching, teaching and pastoring in an island community where no Christian church existed. He was committed to living among these forgotten people and reflecting the light and love of Jesus to them.

Then Mark met Sharon. They fell in love, had a whirlwind courtship, got married…and reality struck. You can already tell where their story is heading. Wondering what became of Mark and Sharon? We will never find out because they are entirely fictional but their story illustrates a point which I have observed graphically playing out in some marriages. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone who shares your Christian values but whose life values are wildly different from yours.

Your values manifest in two different ways; what is right and what is wrong in your view, and what matters to you most. The dictionary supports this distinction in our understanding of values. Values could refer to the principles or standards of behaviour which you subscribe to, including your commitment to live by Biblical standards, but on the other hand values could equally refer to your judgement of what is important in life.

Sometimes Christian singles are encouraged to pursue a relationship with someone because they are both Christians and want to please God with their lives, ignoring the fact that pleasing God means different things to different people. Your desire to please God will play out differently in your life compared to the person who sits next to you in Church on Sunday, based on your values. Your assignment is to find someone whose life values align closely to yours so that you can both stay true to your values in marriage.

To some people, pleasing God simply means living a quiet life raising their families in a godly manner. Others want to go out in the marketplace, business, politics or academia and make a big difference as leaders. Yet others want to dedicate their lives fully to God’s work in some form of ministry, caring spiritually for a lost and dying world. None of these approaches is more noble than the next; they’re just different. What is right for one person may not be right for the other. It’s all a question of what matters to you and how God wired you internally.

Amos 3:3 makes a succinct statement in this regard. “Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?” In other words, before you hitch your wagon to someone else’s vehicle, ask yourself “Are we heading in the same direction?” If someone is heading for Australia and the other person is heading for Austria, the destinations sound similar but the direction of travel for those two countries is completely different. The destination you intend to arrive will determine the route you choose to travel in life. If you get in the same vehicle with someone going in a different direction, one of three things will happen; you will arrive at your desired destination and they won’t, they will arrive at their desired destination and you won’t, or neither of you will arrive at your preferred destination.

When people fall in love and emotions are running high, it’s easy to think that these things don’t matter, or that they will sort themselves out with time. Twenty years of counselling married couples suggests otherwise to me. When the music stops and the stars fall out of their eyes, reality collides with fantasy as they slowly come to terms with the fact that one or both of them will need to compromise on their values for the survival of their marriage, and compromise you must. If you are already married to someone whose values are diametrically opposed to yours, compromise is your only option because in God’s eyes the survival of your marriage has to take precedence over your closely held dreams.

When I think about my life and the things that drive me daily, I realise how blessed I am to be married to a man who is driven by a similar impetus. He encourages me to fulfil God’s call for my life because it aligns with God’s call on His life. Our values are congruent. I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had married a man who dances to the beat of a different drum. I would have had to lay aside all the possibilities before me to embrace a different future. It would have been a painful but inescapable compromise.

Values are critical because they influence how you choose to spend your energy, where you invest your time and how you allocate your money. Consequently, if your values are fundamentally different from your spouse’s, you may love each other but you will not be able to enjoy living with each other until you have made deep and necessary compromises. There will be many fault-lines and potential battlegrounds where you will disagree and there will be no ‘right’ answer. If you want different things in life but you want to be in each other’s lives, something will have to give. You will either have to be faithful to your love or faithful to your values; the best marriages occur when you can be both at the same time.

If you’re considering getting married to someone, spend time exploring with them what their values are. Ask questions and read between the lines of every conversation, trying to sense what matters to them. Crucially, observe their lifestyle. A person’s values are more eloquently conveyed by the life they live than the words they speak. When you observe the trajectory of someone’s life, where they will land is predictable. An oak tree doesn’t become one overnight, but the leaves of the tiny seedling will tell you what it’s future holds. Ask…listen…observe, and above all else be prayerful.

Four Keys to Financial Unity in Marriage

Fri, 06 Dec 2024 16:15:38 GMT

It is a well-known statistic that money consistently features as one of the top three triggers for a breakdown in marriages. It is therefore no surprise to me that my most-vi ewed video on Facebook so far relates to money. Money is not just notes and coins; it is such a powerful force that even Jesus acknowledged that the strongest competitor with God for human hearts and allegiance is money. Matthew 6:24 highlights this: ‘No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.’

Money means different things to different people and usually it is what money represents that couples fight over, rather than the money itself. To some, money signifies the opportunity to make a contribution to the lives of others; to others it represents status, the opportunity to gain control, respect, power, fame; to others it represents a world of options. Money in itself is amoral; it is neither good nor bad but it can promote either virtue or vice in the hands of a person. Having money really doesn’t change people; it simply reveals who we are, for good or bad. Nowhere is this more evident than in marriage.

Money in itself is not the problem in marriage. It is simply a manifestation of the spirit of the marriage. Money brings out more of who you are. Your attitude to life is amplified by your money. Money will enable you to be more of who you are: selfish or generous, considerate or self-centred, trusting or suspicious. Rooting out unhealthy money attitudes and replacing them with healthy attitudes is one of the most important investments you can make in your marriage. Below are a number of steps you can take to set yourselves on a good financial footing in your marriage.

Replace ‘me’ with ‘we’

Selfishness is one of the biggest triggers for money related conflicts in the marriage. The premise on which biblical marriage is based is covenant. Covenant means that you pool resources and liabilities; your strengths compensate for each other’s weaknesses. As long as there are walls of division between your finances, it is impossible to achieve true unity; you are not truly one until your money is one. This demands going beyond paying lip service to unity and actually seeing each other as financial partners. Marriage is not supposed to be run like two separate corporations under the same roof. This does not necessarily mean having joint accounts, but it means that both parties are aware of what is coming in and what is going out of the family. It also means that through continuous practice you have learnt to communicate effectively about money which leads to my second point.

Stop keeping secrets

Keeping financial secrets is never a good idea in marriage. The minute couples begin to hide pay rises, bank accounts, expenditure and debts from each other, disunity, division and distrust sets in. Every marriage needs a healthy balance between financial autonomy and financial accountability and you need to agree as a couple where that balance lies. As adults we all need a certain amount of discretionary spending money such that we don’t have to justify every little expense to our spouse. Depending on what your family income is, you need to agree as a couple how much you can spend without consulting each other. As a rule of thumb, major purchases should be a product of joint decision making, although what constitutes major in one family can be a minor expense in another. This is why dialogue is so crucial. In the words of Larry Burkett, the noted Christian author on finances, ‘Money is either the best or worst area of communication in a marriage’ . If you can’t trust each other financially, this is an issue that needs to be worked through with a counsellor or it will eat at the heart of your marriage and rob you of your sense of unity and oneness.

Agree a budget and stick to it

Where there is no budget, a business will perish and the same can be said for marriage. The downfall of many couples is the unwillingness to take an honest look from time to time at where their money is being spent and whether that represents good financial stewardship. Many Christians mistakenly believe that budgeting is a faithless exercise. Yet Jesus Himself taught the exact opposite. In Luke 14: 28-29 He states, ‘Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you.’ I find it instructive that Jesus assumes the wisdom of budgeting our resources should be obvious. Similarly, financial planning is a theme that runs through the entire book of Proverbs written by King Solomon, one of the wealthiest men who ever lived. The absence of a financial plan is evidence of the absence of a financial vision for your family. When you agree as a couple how you want to manage your finances from month to month, and what your long term goals are, a lot of stress and conflict can be eliminated from your marriage.

Understand temperament differences

The way we choose to spend our money is a reflection of our money-values. We spend on what we cherish. Usually couples have different money languages and this can be the start of many conflicts if not properly handled. In my article, ‘Why couples really fight over money’ , I explore in detail the four basic money languages and how they influence our spending patterns. Once you identify you and your partner’s money languages, that knowledge forms a basis for coming to a better of understanding of how to harmonise the two for the benefit of your family. There is often strength in diversity and your differences, when harnessed appropriately, can cease to be flash points and become foundational in building a stable financial future.

Know this for marriage success

Fri, 06 Dec 2024 15:09:19 GMT

Many times people fail in marriage not because they don’t have what it takes but because they don’t know what it takes. You have what it takes to make your marriage successful but you must equip yourself with the right knowledge.

Here's Why Your Marriage will Work

Fri, 06 Dec 2024 15:06:55 GMT

Your marriage has every chance of success. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It does not matter whose marriage you have seen fail or what the statistics say. Your marriage can absolutely succeed if you are both prepared to give it 100%.

Is Your Marriage Intimate?

Fri, 06 Dec 2024 15:04:56 GMT

Are you cultivating closeness or distance in your marriage? You see, closeness is not a natural consequence of marriage. It takes work.

When Culture and Christianity Collide

Wed, 27 Nov 2024 15:50:37 GMT

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to make a difficult choice between your culture and your Christianity? Do you ever feel like the ideas, customs, and norms you have grown up with are diametrically opposed to something you have just encountered in scripture? Welcome to the frontier where culture and Christianity clash on a daily basis in the lives of people who love God and are seeking to please Him.

Culture is a thing of beauty because it gives us a sense of identity and creates a common bond between us and other people who share a similar perspective to life. Culture creates community and a sense of shared values which binds a people together with a common understanding of what matters to them. Some cultures value individualism, others respect and others still honour and integrity. Whatever your culture is, celebrate it, but be prepared for those moments when your culture conflicts with your Christianity. How will you respond?

Marriage, relationships and family life are areas where most people groups have strong norms and ideas; ideas which are sometimes at odds with Christianity. Take a moment to consider your perspective on how relationships are conducted; when and whether to marry; who to marry; how weddings are conducted; the role you and your spouse play in the home; how you raise your children; your perspective of sex and your attitude to money. You will find that your views have been shaped by your background and the culture you were handed down. This is all great until you come upon a situation where what your culture dictates is totally out of sync with what scripture says. The question is, which will you go with?

Jesus made a strong statement about the danger of elevating culture above God’s word, while speaking to the Pharisees and some experts in the Law of Moses, in Mark 7:6-9, 13:

“Jesus told them, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites in Scripture: ‘These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is pointless, because their teachings are rules made by humans.’ “You abandon the commandments of God to follow human traditions.” He added, “You have no trouble rejecting the commandments of God in order to keep your own traditions! …Because of your traditions you have destroyed the authority of God’s word. And you do many other things like that.””

Those are very strong words coming from the mouth of the Saviour but they indicate clearly how important it is to Him that we make the Word of God the final authority in our relationships, homes and marriages, not our traditions. Culture is beneficial until it conflicts with our faith, at which point we have a clear choice to make. Will we go with God’s Word or will we go with the traditions of men?

Does the way you treat your spouse reflect your faith or does it just reflect your culture? Do you default to treating your spouse the way you see other people treating theirs or do you refer to the scriptures for direction on how to treat your spouse? Are your attitudes towards your marriage shaped by your understanding of God’s word or by the expectations of society? Consider your views on faithfulness in marriage; are they framed by God’s word or have you bought into the belief that a man cannot be faithful to one woman for a lifetime? Do you treat your husband with the God-given respect he deserves or is your respect for him tied to whether or not he fulfils society’s idea of what a man should be? Do you nurture your children as scripture commands or do you stifle them because of society’s expectations? What do you do when your fiancé wants you to get pregnant before he marries you? Or perhaps your wife is experiencing delays in child-bearing and your family is putting pressure on you to marry someone else? Do you defer to God’s word only when it suits you? The scenarios are endless and these are all situations which I have encountered as I counsel singles and couples.

When your culture and your Christianity are in a face-off, remember this. Nobody who executes marriage God’s way ever comes up short. God is the designer of marriage and He knows precisely how it was designed to work. It makes sense to consult the Maker’s manual rather than bowing to the opinions of others which are based on assumptions or presumptions. If you choose a spouse in line with God’s dictates and you conduct your relationship in obedience to God’s word, you stand a better chance of enjoying success in marriage. If you treat your husband or wife the way the Word of God commands, rather than the way culture dictates, that singular act invites the intervention and participation of God in your home. Prayer is powerful in changing situations but there is very little point in praying for our marriages if we make the Word of God ineffective in our lives by choosing culture over God’s Word.

At some stage in your relationship or marriage, you will have to make a choice whether to build by God’s directions or man’s opinions. Your decision will determine your results. If your marriage is currently in pain, you will be able to trace the source of that pain back to the time when you or your spouse stopped obeying God’s Word and started making decisions based on culture or the circumstances surrounding you. The solution is to go back to God’s plan for marriage.

Am I suggesting that we abandon culture hook, line and sinker? By no means! There are certain aspects of culture that support and promote God’s purposes and these we should embrace wholeheartedly. However, we have got to make a commitment that wherever culture comes up short or contradicts the Word of God, we will choose God’s word every single time. This is the path to an enduring marriage.

You Too Can Have a Long, Happy Marriage

Wed, 27 Nov 2024 15:37:29 GMT

On 6 January 2018, my husband and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. The time seems to have flown! I can vividly remember the evening of 10 January 1989, on our university campus, when he popped the question. I was only 18 and he was 22 going on 23. An improbable relationship. The statistical probability of such a youthful relationship working out was very low I would think. Furthermore, his proposal was followed by a 7-year courtship while I finished my first and second degrees in Architecture and he, having completed his Engineering degree, went off into the world of work. It was a long distance relationship for six years…another reason why it shouldn’t have worked, but it did!

As I write this, on the day before our anniversary, I am seated on the balcony of our hotel room in Fuerteventura, the second largest of the Canary Islands with lots of sun, sea, glorious beaches and friendly locals willing to greet you with a lively ‘Hola!’ at every turn. I spent most of our flight over here thanking God for His faithfulness through the years and reflecting on how we made it this far…despite the odds. I have tried to distil the distinguishing characteristics of our relationship which helped us navigate through different seasons of life and still remain in love, so that I can share them with you, because I believe you can also have the beautiful marriage you dream of. Three factors readily come to mind:

Clarity

My husband and I always had clarity about what the relationship meant to both of us, from the start. His proposal was clear – ‘I love you and I want to marry you’ . There was no room for posturing or pretending; no ambiguity about his intentions. He was clear with what he was proposing; I was clear about what I was accepting. There was no ring, no fanfare, no frills – just absolute clarity. I am eternally grateful for that.

I honestly believe that ambiguity is one of the greatest threats facing Christian relationships today. People drift into emotional relationships without a thought as to whether or not they can see themselves married to this person. I frequently receive mail from ladies agonising about the status of their relationship. ‘Are we in a relationship or are we not?’ ‘Does he love me or does he not?’ ‘We’ve been in a relationship for three years – how can I get him to commit?’ This sorry situation is not entirely the creation of men. Romantic fantasies fuelled by Hollywood are placing untold pressure on sincere, godly men who have to come up with some spectacular proposal and an exotic diamond ring to be considered serious by some ladies. Unless we return to basics and learn to establish clarity as early as possible in a relationship, we will not be able to recapture the beauty of fresh, unpretentious love.

This continued cloud of ambiguity hanging over relationships seems to have led to an increase in opportunistic behaviour. People have no assurances about the future of a relationship so they focus on extracting short term rewards. There are women who expect the men in their lives to meet their every financial need, even if there’s no promise of a future together. Then there are men who seek a woman to take care of them with no strings attached. In my view, it’s unfair to place expectations on a person without a commitment to that person. To seek to dominate a person’s focus, time and attention without a commensurate commitment to them is unjust. To monopolise a person’s affections with no interest in making a lifelong commitment to them is questionable at best.

If you drag out the process of relating closely to someone you will find that you slide into an emotional relationship by default rather than choosing that person deliberately. Two years is a very long time in the life of a person – especially a woman of marriageable age. If it has taken you an entire year to agonise over whether a person is meant to be in your life or not, it’s either that you have poor spiritual instincts or you are trying to persuade yourself that what is not, is. A third option might be that you are fear-driven and seeking a perfect person or perfect conditions before you make a commitment.

Commitment

Once you have clarity about your relationship, back it up with commitment. Commitment means you burn the bridges behind you, you exclude distractions, and you focus on building this one relationship. If your relationship fails before you make it to the altar, it should not be because you got carried away by distractions from without. It should only be because you discovered something from within that meant that your relationship was no longer tenable.

For many Christian couples, dating has become the grey area where they claim the privileges of an exclusive relationship while shopping around for better prospects. When you are committed, you have a different perspective that sets you up for success in your relationship. Because you are single-minded, your relationship will weather the inevitable storms better. I had many proposals before and after my husband but once my choice was made, I was so focused on making the relationship work that every other distraction faded into oblivion. He had many opportunities to be distracted after he left me in school and went off to work, but his commitment kept him. That’s why I trust him implicitly today. Cultivating this committed mindset is what will protect the integrity of your marriage in the future.

There will always be someone prettier, more handsome, smarter, funnier, richer, if your eyes are roaming. If your eyes are focused you will see none of that. As long as you persist in the searching mindset, you will continue to experience dissatisfaction in your current relationship because you will constantly be making comparisons between the person you have chosen and others you encounter along the way. Comparison sows the seeds of dissatisfaction in a relationship and sets you up for comparison in marriage.

Commitment requires a faithful heart. That’s what you should cultivate and that’s what you should look for in a potential spouse. If every time you turn your back your fiancé or fiancée is cultivating side relationships which compete with your relationship, he or she may struggle with commitment even after marriage. Exclusivity should be a given in any committed relationship. You protect the exclusivity of your relationship by announcing it frequently, guarding your heart diligently and disconnecting from people who threaten the integrity of your relationship. Any friends you both have should be left in no doubt that your fiancé or fiancée comes first and you’re not open to alternative advances or proposals.

Curiosity

A hunger to learn is an indispensable asset in a relationship. Healthy curiosity means you have a willingness to challenge the norms and discover new things about the person you love, and what makes them happy. Never assume that you know all that it takes to build a successful marriage. The moment you lose your curiosity, you lose your edge. I am always amazed at the audacity of couples heading towards marriage who have never taken the time to study what it takes to bring out the best in their spouse. 1 Peter 3:7 encourages husband to ‘dwell with their wives according to knowledge.’ This is a great maxim for all marriage partners to live by.

I have always had a fascination with marriage and what makes it work. My husband is an equally curious person so we have both spent time over the years to open our hearts and minds to ideas that will help us be better lovers of each other. From the inception of our relationship we read marriage books together and we listened to teachings from relationship experts. That attitude persists till today, even though we’ve been happily married for 22 years. Be driven in your pursuit of knowledge that will help you understand your spouse better.

As your spouse evolves and your marriage grows, your spouse’s needs will change as well. Different seasons of life present different challenges and opportunities. Your knowledge base and your understanding of your spouse should be growing, otherwise your marriage will grow stale. The fact that you understood your spouse five years ago is no guarantee that you understand them now, if you don’t maintain your curiosity and tune in to truly see and understand what their current needs are. Study your wife or husband. What makes them unique? What makes them tick? How can you bring out the best in them? Ask them questions that demonstrate that you truly want to understand and love them better with each passing year. When we are old and grey, I can picture my husband and I, hand in hand, listening, leaning in, learning and growing. I pray the same for you.

Are you Marriage Ready?

Tue, 22 Oct 2024 16:32:55 GMT

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires more than dreams and high hopes—it demands preparation, wisdom, and practical skills. Many enter marriage unprepared, only to face challenges that could have been avoided with intentional effort beforehand. Preparation is key to building a strong foundation, aligning your expectations, and equipping yourself for the journey ahead.

Have you taken the time to learn what the Bible says about marriage? Are you growing in the skills and understanding needed to thrive as a partner? The effort you invest now reflects the value you place on your future marriage and positions you for lasting success when the opportunity arises.

Is your Spouse your Dream-Maker?

Wed, 16 Oct 2024 16:28:46 GMT

Is your spouse your dream maker or your debtor? For many couples, somewhere between ‘I do’ and your first marital argument your desires have transitioned from the realm of dreams and crystallised into expectations. ‘This is what a wife should do’ or ‘This is how a husband should behave’ becomes the script that runs your marriage. If you want to experience all the joy that God designed for you to have in marriage, it starts with winding back your expectations. The reality is that no marriage can thrive under the weight of another person’s expectations. Release your spouse from the weight of expectations and let them become your dream-maker.

Are You Marryable?

Tue, 01 Oct 2024 16:20:47 GMT

The key to being truly ready for marriage is maturity. Drawing from biblical wisdom and practical insights, it covers three essential areas for a successful marriage: spiritual growth, emotional resilience, and practical life skills. Whether you’re single, dating, or engaged, this video offers valuable guidance to help you prepare for the lifelong commitment of marriage.

How to Heal when Hurt Knocks you Down

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 16:23:01 GMT

Hurt is an inevitable part of life, but how we respond shapes our future. This message highlights the two paths we face after being hurt: bitterness or forgiveness. By meditating on God’s word and choosing forgiveness, we allow healing and freedom to take root in our hearts. Discover practical and biblical insights on letting go of pain, trusting God as your defender, and finding restoration through forgiveness.

Is your Love Map Outdated?

Wed, 25 Sep 2024 16:24:58 GMT

Over time, the natural drift in marriage can lead couples to feel like strangers rather than best friends. Staying connected requires intentional effort to update your understanding of your spouse’s inner world. From their dreams and aspirations to the pressures they face daily, discovering your spouse is a lifelong process. Learn practical ways to nurture your relationship, prioritize your marriage, and rebuild intimacy by spending focused time together and maintaining an updated “love map” of your partner’s heart.

Are Assumptions Hurting Your Marriage

Wed, 11 Sep 2024 16:27:05 GMT

The way you respond when your spouse hurts you can significantly impact your marriage. Research shows that happy couples instinctively believe the best about each other, even during conflicts. Choosing to assume positive intentions fosters trust, resolves conflicts more quickly, increases marital satisfaction, and cultivates gratitude. By focusing on your spouse’s efforts and believing in their love before it’s proven, you can build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship grounded in hope and mutual respect.

Honouring your relationship

Sun, 08 Oct 2017 19:22:00 GMT

Honour is one word that people rarely associate with relationships. We understand honouring God, honouring parents, but rarely do we directly associate honour with our love relationships. Yet, honour is a stance without which a relationship cannot thrive. It’s a mental and emotional positioning that plays out in our physical actions from day to day and determines whether or not a relationship will last the distance.

Is your spouse your dream-maker or your debtor?

Sat, 12 Aug 2017 18:21:00 GMT

I have been married for over 21 years and I can honestly say that I am more in love with my husband now than ever before. This morning I was reflecting on why that is and why we still have such a satisfying marriage 21 years down the road. If I had to choose again, I would choose my husband over and over again in a heartbeat. Is it because he is perfect or I am perfect or my marriage is perfect? By no means. I enjoy my husband so much because I am free to be his dream-maker and I never feel like I’m his debtor.

Every marriage starts off with a picture of a desired future. Take a look at your wedding photos and cast your mind back to that moment at the altar when you were looking into each other’s eyes and saying those vows. What were you thinking? The reality is you weren’t really focused on the moment. You weren’t thinking about the ‘here and now’ . You were caught up in the possibilities of the future. When you said ‘I do’ , you were picturing what your marriage was going to be like, how your spouse was going to behave, how they were going to treat you and what future you were going to enjoy together. You were full of dreams.

You felt like you were so right for each other because of the beauty of the future you saw. Maybe you imagined him running his own company, coming home on time every evening, helping out with the kids and the home without being asked, bringing home lots of money and romantic surprises, and taking you on wonderful trips around the world. Or maybe you imagined her being an exciting companion, always in a good mood, ever ready to listen to you and see your point of view, prepared for sex six days out of seven, keeping a spotless home and having a hot meal on the table whenever you got home. Those were your dreams.

For many couples, somewhere between ‘I do’ and your first marital argument your desires have transitioned from the realm of dreams and crystallised into expectations. ‘This is what a wife should do’ or ‘This is how a husband should behave’ becomes the script that runs your marriage. Every time your spouse fails to meet your expectations your estimation of them drops just a little bit. You have become habitually critical of him or her in your mind. They have disappointed your expectations and therefore you no longer esteem them as highly as you used to. Inch by inch your marriage moves out of covenant territory where you loved selflessly and unconditionally into contract territory where your expectations must be met or else war breaks out. Your spouse is obliged to live up to certain expectations because that was the deal, that was the bargain, that was the agreement. At what point did you lose the wonder of being married to your spouse? It was the point at which you started to think ‘My spouse owes me’ .

I can hear the gears in your mind turning as you ask the obvious question: ‘Is it wrong to have expectations? After all, we talked about this before we got married.’ ‘This is what my husband promised.’ ‘I married my wife because I was led to believe my expectations would be met. Now she is a disappointment’ . I get all of that but look at it from this perspective. Two things happen when you live in the realm of expectations.

Firstly, you place an enormous burden upon your spouse’s shoulders because they constantly have to work to earn your approval. The spontaneity of love is lost as your spouse struggles to meet up to your legitimate expectations so that they can get an ‘A’ or ‘B’ on their report card. The joy of loving unconditionally is lost.

Secondly, you lose the ability to be thankful to God for your spouse and appreciative of your spouse because everything they do for you is because they ‘owe you’ , not an expression of love. He brings home money but you are not thankful because your mind-set is ‘That’s just what husbands should do’ . She serves you a good meal and you plough through it in silence without a word of appreciation because ‘That’s just what wives should do’ . When last did you drop down to your knees and thank God for bringing your spouse into your life? When was the last time you said ‘Thank you’ to your spouse for the little things they do to make your life comfortable? If the very thought of saying ‘Thank you’ to your spouse fills you with discomfort, that is clear evidence that you are firmly planted in the land of expectation. Your spouse is no longer your dream maker; they have become your debtor. They owe you and if they don’t pay up they pay the price.

The gifts we are most appreciative of are the ones that we don’t expect. When a person fulfils one of your dreams, you are so grateful because it was never an expectation. Conversely, if you feel they are merely meeting an expectation, there is no value ascribed to that because they’re just doing what is required. They are not making your dreams come true; they are simply paying what they owe you.

‘So what should I do with all my legitimate dreams and desires?’ you ask. 1 Peter 5:7 TLB addresses this dynamic and provides an answer. “Let him (God) have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.” Take all your needs, desires, hopes and dreams to God and lay them on Him, rather than on your spouse. God cares about your dreams and desires. If you have given them to God, you will no longer feel the need to try to extract them from your spouse which is an exercise in futility. Communicate your needs to your spouse but look to God to see them fulfilled. When both parties in a marriage focus their expectations on God, that is the beginning of a ‘debt-free marriage’ . Your spouse is free to serve you, not because they owe you but because they love you.

If you want to experience all the joy that God designed for you to have in marriage, it starts with winding back your expectations and returning to the realm of dreams. The reality is that no marriage can thrive under the weight of another person’s expectations. I love my marriage so much because I don’t have to live up to my husband’s expectations. I am not perfect but he appreciates every little thing I bring into his life, so I can be free to be his dream maker and love him selflessly. He doesn’t owe me anything but I’m grateful for everything he does to make my dreams come true. He is my dream-maker.

Does physical attraction matter?

Tue, 01 Aug 2017 20:51:00 GMT

Does physical attraction matter? This is a question I frequently receive in various forms from men and women trying to gauge the relative importance of physical attraction towards someone they intend to marry. There are various schools of thought on the subject. Some argue that the spiritual qualities of your partner are all that matters in a relationship and physical attraction should play no part in your decision making about whom to marry. On the other hand, there are those who believe that physical attraction is of paramount importance and without it you will be unable to hold a marriage together. So where is the Biblical balance in all of this?

The reality is that whether we like to admit it or not, physical attraction frequently plays a role in drawing us to another person before we even begin to contemplate the possibility of exploring a relationship with them. This happens on a subconscious level; we neatly categorise people into pools of ‘could be’ or ‘could never be’ based on the information we gather with our eyes. We make snap judgements based on how someone looks, dresses and carries themselves as to whether they are likely to be people with whom we share a commonality. A godly man will very quickly discount a woman if he judges her to be indecently dressed by his standards and would be unlikely to contemplate a relationship with her. Similarly, a sporty person may be drawn to people who look athletic because physical fitness is something they value. This physical assessment often happens before we even get to the stage of assessing a person’s spiritual compatibility or emotional maturity.

Physical attraction frequently has a role to play in sparking our interest in someone, which may or may not lead us to contemplate assessing their potential as a marriage partner. I do not believe that this is a character flaw or evidence of lack of spirituality. God made us with the capacity to physically attract and be attracted for a reason. This is not the product of the fall of man; it is a powerful mechanism set in motion by God to ensure the propagation of the human race. Simply put, humans will continue to procreate and populate the earth until Jesus comes, not necessarily out of any deep understanding of the importance of marriage as an institution or out of any sense of spiritual duty to raise godly children, but primarily as a response to physical attraction. I believe that when God declared, ‘Be fruitful and multiply…’ in Genesis 1:28, He set in motion powerful forces that would compel humans to do so, namely physical attraction and sexual desire.

Having said all this, the grave danger lies in remaining at this superficial level when assessing a potential spouse. We fail to realise that once we marry someone, physical attraction quickly becomes meaningless if they lack the spiritual, mental and emotional maturity to engage successfully in a relationship. If the connection in those three other areas is lacking, physical attraction cannot compensate for that deficit. Believe me, it will matter very little how well-built or good-looking your husband is if he is an oppressor and does not know how to care for a woman. Regardless of how wonderful your wife’s figure is, if she is rude and disrespectful, your attraction towards her will summarily evaporate. The allure of physical attraction quickly fades in the face of deep character flaws.

While physical attraction has its place, it can be extremely deceptive in assessing the potential of a person. In 1 Samuel 16:7, even the prophet of God, Samuel, was nearly deceived by Eliab’s appearance, while God had his eyes on his younger brother, David.

‘So it happened, when they had come, he looked at Eliab [the eldest son] and thought, “Surely the Lord’s anointed is before Him.” But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”’

Notice that even God acknowledges that as humans, we have a natural inclination to look first at the outward appearance; this is why I strongly believe that we all, male and female alike, should take good care of the body God has given us and present it in the best possible way. This is not lack of spirituality; it is common sense. Don’t let your appearance constitute an obstacle to people who would otherwise benefit by getting to know you. I strongly believe that poor personal presentation does not glorify God in any shape or form. You may have no control over your physical attributes but you have a responsibility to package them properly.

I also believe that it honours your spouse when you pay attention to your appearance, even after ten, twenty or thirty years in marriage. The Bible makes it clear in 1 Corinthians 7 that when you marry, your body no longer belongs to you; it belongs to your spouse. It is disrespectful to your spouse if you make no effort to take care of your physical appearance and maintain the physical attraction in your marriage.

Nevertheless, I have observed time and again that people are often deceived by their physical attraction to a person before marriage and consequently don’t take a deeper look at what the person carries within. They choose a spouse based on fleeting physical attraction and find out too late that they have ignored what matters. Our prayer should be that the Lord helps us to see beyond the superficial when making critical life decisions.

Physical attraction only has value as an icing on the cake; it’s great when all the other ingredients are in place. We must be honest enough to acknowledge that the heavy emphasis on physical attraction in our generation is largely driven by the media and our perceptions of what a desirable person is as shaped by popular culture. This is not where God’s emphasis lies. Consequently, you will find, for instance, that there is nowhere in scripture where God instructs wives to be physically beautiful in order to attract or keep godly husbands. The emphasis for a godly man always rest heavily on the spiritual, mental and emotional qualities of a woman. Sample these two scriptures:

‘An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls. The heart of her husband trusts in her [with secure confidence], And he will have no lack of gain.’ Proverbs 31:10-11 AMP

‘Charm and grace are deceptive, and [superficial] beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], she shall be praised.’ Proverbs 31:30 AMP

The book ends of the Proverbs 31 discourse on the virtuous woman emphasise what really matters in a woman, clearly demonstrating that ultimately the value of a woman is not in her charm or beauty but in her godly character. This same theme is echoed in the teaching of Paul in 1 Peter 3:3-4 AMP.

‘Your adornment must not be merely external–with interweaving and elaborate knotting of the hair, and wearing gold jewellery, or [being superficially preoccupied with] dressing in expensive clothes; but let it be [the inner beauty of] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, [one that is calm and self-controlled, not overanxious, but serene and spiritually mature] which is very precious in the sight of God.’

Paul emphasises that physical beauty is only skin deep and bound to fade; enduring beauty is a matter of the heart. While this is no excuse for neglecting physical appearance, consider this deeply. If physical attraction is essential to a marriage thriving, what is a man to do if his once stunning wife is involved in some accident after marriage, heaven forbid, and is no longer as physically attractive as she was when he married her? What if Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome loses all his hair, his teeth or his athletic build after two decades in marriage? Should his wife contemplate exchanging him for a younger model to maintain her physical attraction? I once heard the sought-after marriage teacher, Jimmy Evans, make this powerful statement. ‘I will never compare my wife’s body to that of a woman who has not paid the price to bear my children’. That’s a man who understand what really matters.

The power of an apology

Tue, 27 Jun 2017 21:47:00 GMT

‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’ , is the catchphrase from a 1970 American movie, Love Story . The phrase has been reused over the years to suggest that, in a truly loving relationship, apologies are unnecessary. Nothing could be further from the truth. The foibles of human nature make it inevitable that any intimate relationship, no matter how wonderful, will go through seasons of conflict.

Any relationship where there is never conflict is an insincere relationship. This does not mean that we should promote conflict in our relationships as evidence that we deeply care about each other. Excessive and volatile conflict damages the fabric of a relationship and is more often an indication of immature conflict resolution skills on the part of one or both of the partners than evidence of true love. Our goal in a loving relationship should be to minimise the frequency and intensity of conflict and to restore the relationship to harmony as quickly as possible. The most meaningful way to achieve this is through apology and forgiveness.

Much is made of the importance of forgiveness, and rightly so; it is a subject I frequently teach on. However, I feel we have not yet fully explored the potential of an apology to strengthen and heal a relationship. We underestimate just how far an apology goes in maintaining harmony and soothing troubled waters. A sincere apology has the power to heal hurts, bind broken hearts and restore intimacy to a strained relationship.

If you never have to apologise, you are either perfect or proud. I would guess that the latter is the case. Much damage is done daily by individuals who refuse to entertain the very possibility that they could be wrong. Families have split, marriages have been destroyed, relatives have been estranged and friendships have been terminated simply because neither party to a conflict is prepared to ‘give in’ and apologise. Jesus placed such a high value on apologies that he prioritised restoring a broken relationship above outward and public worship. Hear Him!

‘This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.’ – Matthew 5:23-24

An apology is not a requisite for forgiveness but it is a requirement for restoration. God calls us to forgive, whether or not we receive an apology. Even when there is no sign of repentance, forgiveness is required to free our souls. Nevertheless, until a person accepts that they have caused a breakdown in a relationship because of their behaviour, the delicate work of rebuilding cannot begin. God has potentially forgiven every single human being on this planet for our sins – past, present and future. Yet, not everyone can enjoy an unhindered relationship with God. Repentance and an acceptance of God’s forgiveness lead to restoration. Human relationships work in a similar way.

Why apologies matter

An apology is an indicator that you place a high value on a relationship. You will only be motivated to restore a relationship that you truly care about. When you are not driven to restore a relationship, it is usually an indicator that you have placed a higher value on ego than harmony. People make the assumption that apologising is an admission of absolute guilt. This is not necessarily so. An apology simply means that you are humble enough to accept responsibility for your part in a relationship breakdown – even if your part is only 1%. It indicates that you are self-aware enough to recognise that you’re not always right.

Unwillingness to apologise is not a sign of strength; it is a symbol of three things – insecurity, pride and inability to take responsibility. Insecure people feel that an apology lessens their importance and therefore they will cling to their justifications like a drowning man clutching a straw. Pride is loudly demonstrated by a person who would rather lose a relationship than lose face. We all struggle with pride in some form in our lives, but a person who will never apologise has made a habit of pride.

There is a scriptural imperative for cutting pride down wherever it raises its head in our lives because that is one of the few things God simply will not tolerate. James 4:1-7 delves deeply into the subject of conflict and x-rays the reasons why we fight and quarrel amongst ourselves, the chief reason being pride. Verse 6b makes a resounding statement about God’s attitude to pride. ‘… God sets Himself against the proud and haughty, but gives grace [continually] to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it).’ In my opinion there is nothing more fearsome than God setting Himself against you so pride is a luxury we cannot afford. If you have made a habit of pride, note well that it is a one-way ticket to destruction and to be eliminated at all costs.

There are two other often neglected benefits of an apology. Firstly, apologies release our empathy towards the person who wronged us and position our hearts to understand them better. A simple, heartfelt, ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me’ , will go much further than all the explanations in the world. If you blew it, acknowledge it, as that will often result in the other person making excuses for you, rather than you making excuses for yourself. A secondary benefit of an apology is that it has the power to dispel the guilt of the offender. Hurting a person is like making a withdrawal from your relationship bank account that you can’t fund. This puts you in an overdrawn or deficit position but apologising sincerely can begin to compensate for that and restore the relationship back to a balanced footing. Apologising is the first step towards cancelling that debt.

Anatomy of an apology

All of us have been on the receiving end of an insincere apology at some point in our lives. Maybe, like me, when you were young a parent forced a sibling to apologise to you when they clearly did not mean it. Or in your adult life, you may have been hurt by someone who subsequently ‘apologised’ and justified themselves in the same breath. Most unsatisfactory! An apology is not a mere assembly of words; it must carry a person’s heart with it to be effective. An apology that is not heartfelt is like rubbing salt in an open wound. It stings rather than soothes.

There are three components that must be present for an apology to serve its desired effect: remorse, responsibility and recompense.

Remorse is a sense of pain for the hurt or discomfort we have caused someone by our actions. It galvanises our emotions and helps us to come alongside the person we have hurt, attempting to walk in their shoes. This is what separates remorse from regret; a person can be regretful because they have been caught or have suffered a negative consequence as a result of their bad behaviour. An unfaithful spouse might regret that they have been exposed but that does not mean that they acknowledge the hurt they have caused their spouse or that they intend to change.

Responsibility is a key aspect of a genuine apology. There’s no greater mark of immaturity than a person who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions and shifts blame constantly. When a person says ‘I’m sorry, but…’ the ‘but’ negates all the good work that came before. Don’t attempt to justify what you have done, exonerate yourself, or somehow insinuate that the person you have hurt is at fault. Don’t try to balance the blame on both sides. Apologise…full stop!

The Recompense we choose must mean something to the person we have hurt and often it begins with expressing in words how sorry we are for hurting them. This is an important part of an apology that must not be overlooked because that is the place where pride dies and forgiveness thrives. Some people attempt to circumvent this by ‘acting sorry’, rather than saying sorry. Apology begins with a full and frank admission of the mistake made and then continues on to deliberate actions to redress the situation and prevent its reoccurrence. An apology must always be carried forward from words into actions because that is what separates sincere apologies from insincere ones. Actions that negate your apology will only reinforce the feeling that you really don’t care about the hurt caused.

Take a step back and ask yourself how good you are at apologising. If there is someone you owe an apology, don’t sacrifice the relationship on the altar of your pride. Take a decisive step towards reconciliation by apologising.

What matters more than your marriage?

Tue, 20 Jun 2017 20:21:00 GMT

In my career I frequently have the opportunity to interview candidates for various roles within our organisation. As I sit face to face with an eager, often nervous, candidate, one of the questions I almost invariably ask is ‘How do you prioritise your day to day activities?’ What I am trying to sense is whether this candidate can look at competing priorities or tasks, discern what’s important, and apply themselves to it with razor-sharp focus. I know that when a person has developed the skill of putting first things first every hour of the day, they are bound to be productive in the long term. I am acutely aware that it’s not your intention that determines your success in life; it’s your dedication to pursuing the correct priorities. This principle has a profound effect on our lives and specifically our marriages; yet it is one of the most frequently ignored principles of marital success.

Many marriages are in pain not because the partners don’t love each other, but because the priorities they have set do not support the success of their marriages. The reality we often neglect is that our true priorities are not what we pay lip service to; our true priorities are what we apply our time, attention and resources to. If you say you value your spouse but you spend more time listening to or connecting with your friends, extended family or colleagues at work; or if you say you value your marriage but you’re not prepared to invest the attention or resources required to learn how to make it thrive, it’s quite obvious where your priorities lie. What you value the most will show up in what you do daily.

In order to make the most of marriage, we need to get our priorities in the right order, before we’re married and thereafter. So what should our priorities be if we want to achieve happy, healthy marriages?

The God factor

Counter-intuitively, the most important priority in marriage is not marriage itself; it’s our relationship with God. Everything else must be secondary. By this I don’t mean a focus on religion, church activities or any other outward thing we do; I mean a living, breathing relationship with the Lover of your soul that draws you daily into a deeper walk with Him. In Matthew 6, Jesus gave a masterclass in priority setting. He starts off in verses 31-32 describing the misplaced priorities we often set for ourselves and zeroes in on our obsession with what we will eat, drink and wear. Jesus points out that those are the priorities of people who don’t have a relationship with God. I could add to that list, who we will marry, when we will marry and whether our needs are being met in our marriage. These are things that often occupy our attention.

I am not suggesting that marriage is not a priority; far from that. The core of my life’s work is focused on helping people experience great marriages. Nevertheless, marriage must be kept in its proper place if we want it to work; it must be secondary to our personal relationship with God. Jesus makes it clear that when we are full of anxiety about other things, we are out of sync with God’s priorities. Then He hits the hammer very deftly on the head of the proverbial nail in verse 33 [AMP]. “But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right–the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also.”

Pursuing the attitude and character of God first and foremost sets you up for success in marriage. Unless you get that right, nothing else works. I have frequently seen people put their relationship with God aside when choosing a spouse because they are desperate to get married; then they say ‘I do’ to someone who does not view God as a priority and wonder why things are not working. Unless God is at the centre of your decision-making regarding who to marry, you will expose yourself to needless heartache in the future trying to salvage a relationship built on a faulty foundation.

When God comes first, your choices become clearer and when seeking a spouse you will not settle for someone who is not passionate for God, someone who lacks integrity, or someone who does not respect sexuality as God commands. You will also realise that even after marriage you need to prioritise time with God in order to be at your best for your spouse. When a husband and wife individually spend time developing their personal relationships with the Lord, loving and honouring your spouse becomes so much easier because you are enabled and empowered by your relationship with God. You give love out of the overflow of the love you have received from God. Whatever else is happening in your life, your relationship with God must come first.

Your spouse and you

Of all the human relationships we have the opportunity to engage in, marriage is the one to which God accords the highest status. In Genesis 2:24, God makes a clear statement of priority regarding marriage. ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.’ It is worth noting that at the time God made this statement, the concept of fathers and mothers did not exist. Adam and Eve were the first humans created so they had no earthly parents. Nevertheless, God felt it necessary to establish a foundational principle regarding marriage – all other human relationships must take second place to it if marriage is to work.

After your relationship with God, cultivating your relationship with your spouse should be your utmost priority. God surrounds us with other valuable relationships with our children, parents, siblings and friends which need to be nurtured carefully. However, nurturing the husband-wife relationship must come first because this is God’s order. Oftentimes we mentally acknowledge this divine order but the way we act from day to day in our homes suggests that we have not fully grasped its importance. Are you too busy to spend time sharing heart to heart with your spouse? Do you value the opinions of others above your spouse’s? Do you habitually push your spouse’s needs to one side and give your children, your work or your hobbies first place in your life? These are all symptoms of priorities which are out of sync.

Reordering your life could do wonders for your marriage. Your relationship with your spouse may have suffered from years of neglect but it’s never too late to make things right. Find out what’s happening in your spouse’s life during this season. Talk to him or her and actively listen to their needs and concerns. Don’t just look with unseeing eyes; train yourself to notice your spouse and tune in to him or her. Prioritise his or her needs. Make your husband or wife feel valued and appreciated by the way you speak to them and the attention you pay them. Embark on a new love affair with your spouse. When we put first things first, everything else in life falls into place with ease.

Is anger robbing you of an intimate marriage?

Tue, 13 Jun 2017 20:47:00 GMT

Ever since the first family quarrel when Cain killed his brother Abel in a fit of rage as recorded in Genesis 4:5-8, uncontrolled anger has continued to ruin lives, separate families, hurt spouses, alienate children and end marriages. Unabated anger impairs judgement, leading to flawed decision making; it spurs people to speak ill-advised words which harm and maim their spouses and children more deeply than physical weapons ever could; it sucks the vitality and intimacy out of marriages leaving a trail of battered and bruised victims. At its worst, unmanaged anger can lead to verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Make no mistake. Unfettered anger is a robber of intimacy; a bandit which strips families of the joy and peace marriage was designed to promote. Anger, when not managed properly, can be deadly to a marriage.

Expressions of anger range widely from explosive eruptions and emotional displays to deep-seated, simmering, vengeful behaviour. Both are equally destructive in a marriage. The deceptive nature of anger is such that the angry person usually feels entirely justified and entitled to their expressions of anger. Punishing their spouse for the perceived offence takes priority over the intimacy of the marriage and very often they underestimate the damage being done by their lack of self control, until it’s too late. Are you an angry spouse? If so, you need to come to terms with the fact that most anger is rooted in selfishness and a desire to protect your own interests, and this comes at a high price. While anger is a normal human emotion, uncontrolled anger – no matter how justified you feel – is an open door to all kinds of destructive behaviour. The Bible contains many stark warnings about how uncontrolled anger can damage a marriage. Proverbs 29:22 declares, ‘An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered and undisciplined man commits many transgressions’ , while Proverbs 25:24 paints a vivid picture of the pain of living with an angry wife. ‘Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.’

Someone may be thinking, ‘Well, anger is just a normal human emotion which I can do nothing about. Besides, you have no idea what my spouse has done to me.’ Ephesians‬ ‭4:26-27‬ ‭puts the issue of anger into perspective. ‘“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.’ There are two key principles that stand out from this instruction and will determine whether anger will be destructive or instructive in a marriage.

Firstly, we need to recognise that anger in itself is not the problem; it’s what we do with our anger that creates problems. Destructive anger is often used as a tool to manipulate or control rather than an opportunity to grow in the relationship. If your spouse offends you, that experience can either become a tool to help you gain a better understanding of each other, or a weapon with which you retaliate and do damage to your life partner and the intimacy of your marriage. The choice is entirely yours. Anger can lead to sinful thoughts, words and actions which have unintended consequences on the health of our homes and marriages. Once we recognise the potential of anger to introduce long-term pain into our lives, that realisation should motivate us to learn how to handle anger productively rather than destructively.

The second point this scripture makes clear is that allowing anger to fester is one of the most dangerous mistakes any human being can make. Aged anger poisons relationships. When we make a habit of allowing anger to linger, it grows internally and takes on a life of its own because the devil takes the opportunity to feed us mentally with narratives that support our right to be angry. This is what gives him a foothold in our thoughts, lives and marriages. If you go to bed angry with your spouse and wake up even angrier because you’ve been meditating on the offence they have caused you, you have unknowingly been counselled by the devil. The enemy of our souls loves nothing more than to promote strife and division. The angrier you are with your spouse, the more distant you feel until intimacy becomes a forgotten dream. Sometimes people harbour anger against their spouses for years, ignoring the fact that hostility and intimacy cannot cohabit. If you want a good marriage, you have to be a good forgiver.

If you have found yourself in a place where you no longer feel anything for your spouse because of accumulated anger, the time has come for you to uproot those feelings if you want your marriage to not only survive, but also to thrive. The first step is to identify the sinfulness of destructive anger and repent from it. James 1:19-20 has this to say. ‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.’ Remember that the whole of life is about choices. You are not a slave to your emotions unless you choose to relinquish control over them.

Sometimes, angry spouses blame their partners for their bad behaviour, forgetting that while you may not be able to control your spouse’s behaviour towards you, you are fully responsible before God for how you choose to respond. Sustained anger is a choice. It is a learned behaviour that we have practised so often until it has become habitual. Some people are explosive because they grew up in a home with an explosive parent and have therefore not learned how to process anger productively. To deal appropriately with anger, we have to unlearn some of the negative responses that have become second nature to us. When each spouse in a marriage takes responsibility for their own emotions, it leads to more mature interactions in the home.

Ephesians 4:31-32 makes a powerful statement of God’s position on anger and what He expects of His children. ‘Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour [perpetual animosity, resentment, strife, fault-finding] and slander be put away from you, along with every kind of malice [all spitefulness, verbal abuse, malevolence]. Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.’ You have been forgiven, so the onus is on you to forgive. Release all your pent up anger to God in prayer and let Him set you free permanently.

If you are struggling with managing your anger, watch my video on ‘How to deal with destructive anger’ for practical tips on how to manage conflict in a relationship without losing control.

Money matters in marriage

Tue, 06 Jun 2017 20:17:00 GMT

It is a well-known statistic that money consistently features as one of the top three triggers for a breakdown in marriages. It is therefore no surprise to me that my most-viewed video on Facebook so far relates to money. Money is not just notes and coins; it is such a powerful force that even Jesus acknowledged that the strongest competitor with God for human hearts and allegiance is money. Matthew 6:24 highlights this: ‘No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.’

Replace ‘me’ with ‘we’

Stop keeping secrets

Keeping financial secrets is never a good idea in marriage. The minute couples begin to hide pay rises, bank accounts, expenditure and debts from each other, disunity, division and distrust sets in. Every marriage needs a healthy balance between financial autonomy and financial accountability and you need to agree as a couple where that balance lies. As adults we all need a certain amount of discretionary spending money such that we don’t have to justify every little expense to our spouse. Depending on what your family income is, you need to agree as a couple how much you can spend without consulting each other. As a rule of thumb, major purchases should be a product of joint decision making, although what constitutes major in one family can be a minor expense in another. This is why dialogue is so crucial. In the words of Larry Burkett, the noted Christian author on finances, ‘Money is either the best or worst area of communication in a marriage’ . If you can’t trust each other financially, this is an issue that needs to be worked through with a counsellor or it will eat at the heart of your marriage and rob you of your sense of unity and oneness.

Agree a budget and stick to it

Understand temperament differences

Do cross-cultural marriages work?

Sun, 28 May 2017 22:17:00 GMT

A century ago cross-cultural marriages were more of an oddity than a reality for most of the world’s population. Rarely did people meet, much less marry, someone from a different nation or ethnic background. Fast forward to the present time and the term ‘global village’ is now much less an ideological construct and more of a daily life experience for most of us. The twin forces of technology and travel have conspired to make our world smaller with every passing day with a corresponding rise in people crossing ethnic and racial divides to find love. So what is the prognosis for cross-cultural marriages? Some people are utterly convinced that they are good for humanity and promote tolerance while others can only see the attendant risks of marrying someone whose life experiences are so different from yours.

In my experience, both views are partly right and partly flawed. There is no doubt that a cross-cultural marriage can enrich a person’s world, broaden their horizons and open them up to new experiences. Many cross-cultural marriages are beautiful tapestries of colour which are a pleasure to behold. The cross-cultural marriages that don’t make it are the ones where the partners either underestimate or minimise their differences and therefore do not make the required adjustments that would have helped them to succeed at marriage. Marriage in itself is complex enough where a couple shares a similar world-view. The additional layer of complexity that results from different cultures must be acknowledged, brought to the fore and tackled with wisdom from the inception of the relationship right through to the wedding and the marriage thereafter.

Culture is a crucial aspect of our make-up as humans; it is a filter through which we view and interpret our world. Culture shapes our preferences, attitudes and tolerances. Its influences range from what we prefer to eat and what we wear to more fundamental issues like our view of gender roles, child-raising strategies, money attitudes and family dynamics. A couple will need to navigate these differences skilfully in order to forge a common identity which honours their individual cultural heritages.

The scriptural perspective

There is a common misconception that God is against cross-cultural marriages. While there are some warnings in the scriptures against inter-racial marriages for example in Exodus 34:10-17, it is quite clear that God’s emphasis was on protecting the spiritual integrity of His people as most other nations at the time worshipped idols. The scriptures are unequivocal that God does not support a believer marrying someone who is not a follower of Christ (2 Corinthians 6:14). Solomon was a vivid example of what can go wrong when we flout this clear instruction for marriage. He married several non-Hebrew women who worshipped idols and drew his heart away from God. However, if we look closely at scripture, we find several cross-cultural marriages which God approved of and blessed. Moses married Zipporah, a woman from Ethiopia. His choice did not go down well with his siblings, Aaron and Miriam, and God dealt sternly with them for their criticism of him. Joseph married Asenath, an Egyptian woman, and her sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, were the progenitors of two of the twelve tribes of Israel. Boaz married Ruth, a Moabite, who is mentioned in the lineage of Jesus. Galatians 3:28 (TLB) makes it clear that our faith in Christ tears down all the differences that divide us. ‘We are no longer Jews or Greeks or slaves or free men or even merely men or women, but we are all the same—we are Christians; we are one in Christ Jesus.’

Navigating family differences

The first hurdle that many cross-cultural couples face is convincing their families that their proposed marriage is a good thing. Depending on how tolerant their families are, this can either be a breeze or a battle. The reality is that we tend to be suspicious of anything we don’t understand and culture is no exception. Prejudice arises when we prize our own practices and somehow conclude that our cultural background is superior to someone else’s. Added to this you might have to battle through cultural stereotypes and preconceptions of what your partner must be like because of their cultural background. If your family has difficulty adapting to the idea of you marrying someone simply because they are from a different culture, rather than ignoring their objections your task will be to carry them along and help them to see the positive side of those differences. This is of course easier said than done but ultimately the benefit of having parental support on both sides far outweighs the potential delays you will likely face while navigating this phase. Be patient, be prayerful, and look for allies within your family who can put in a good word to persuade your parents. If you are the partner who is being rejected on cultural grounds, rather than taking those objections personally rise above them and make it your mission to get close to your partner’s family so that they can get to know you. This will help to dispel fear and suspicion over time because they will begin to see you for who you are rather than just as a person from a different background.

Conflicting expectations

One of the most challenging aspects of cross-cultural relationships lies in differing expectations of how a man and woman should relate within the context of marriage. Conflicting expectations can arise in any aspect of the relationship. Our perception of the role of each spouse in a home is shaped by our culture to a large degree and could become a bone of contention; a woman who grew up in a culture where men are seen as the provider and breadwinner, who expects to be able to stay home and nurture her children, marries a man who expects her to work and share the financial responsibility of the home while he shares in the upbringing of the children. A couple may have conflicting expectations of how to relate to each other’s families – some cultures are more family-oriented and close-knit while others favour an independent lifestyle with little interaction with extended family. Culture also shapes our understanding of how children should be raised, our view of discipline, and how much involvement we expect to have in our children’s decision-making process as they grow older. It is crucial that you take time to talk through your differences before you marry, with an understanding attitude that seeks to embrace those differences rather than criticise them. Your partner’s way may be different but that doesn’t make it wrong so you need to be open to some adaptation on both sides so that you can forge a common perspective based on Biblical standards. Cross-cultural marriages can be positive and beautiful if approached with ample doses of wisdom and tolerance. The couples that make it are usually the ones who are open to learning and embracing new ways of thinking and doing things.

When a spouse withholds sex

Tue, 16 May 2017 22:57:00 GMT

Recently I received an email from a wife which touched my heart. I could feel her pain as she penned the words of her message. ‘I’m married to an introvert husband who doesn’t appreciate bonding with me. He sees sex as a thing to be done when he is ready. He’s never available for my needs. I’m just frustrated! What do I do?’ It was a cry from her heart for a deeper connection with the man she had pledged her life to; a cry that was being ignored. I have seen this scenario played out in many marriages. More frequently it is the husband who expresses frustration at his wife’s lack of sexual interest. However, women who find themselves in this situation are particularly vulnerable because of the societal expectation that men should be sexually aggressive while women should be sexually passive. As such, a woman who wants sex more frequently than her husband may find that she is vilified, labelled and disregarded.

The Bible clearly addresses the issue of conflicting sexual expectations in marriage so that we are not left to wonder what God’s mind is on the matter. In 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 we read a clear statement of how God designed the sex life of a married couple to function and thrive.

“Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
‭‭
There are a number of principles to be gleaned from this scripture by any couple seeking to enjoy the healthy sex life which is a crucial part of a happy marriage.

1. Free yourselves from the myth of matching libidos
There is a tendency for some married couples to buy into the myth of matching libidos which suggests that when a couple are in love their sex drives will be perfectly matched and synchronised. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, if that was the case, this scripture would be irrelevant. Any honest couple who have been married for any length of time can tell you that rarely do they feel like having sex at the same time. It’s one of those things that when it’s on your mind, it might be the farthest thing from your spouse’s mind! Additionally, typically one partner will tend to want sex more frequently than the other and sometimes there can be a reversal of roles after some years because of age, biological changes, seasons of life and the like. This scripture is freeing because it presents a realistic picture of what sex in marriage really is like. Sometimes your needs will coincide but often they won’t. So how do we address this imbalance?

2. Recognise that denying your partner of sex exposes them to sexual temptation
Let’s be clear about what this scripture is not saying. It does not imply that a married person can seek sexual gratification outside marriage and then blame their spouse for their indiscretion. Before God, we are each responsible for our choices; Adam and Eve quickly learnt that after their encounter with the serpent in the garden. God held them individually responsible for their choices. Nevertheless, one of the things every Christian spouse should be aware of is that you are the only legitimate outlet through which your spouse can express their God-given sexual desires. Any other sexual outlet – adultery, pornography – would contravene God’s word. Being sensitive to this sacred responsibility is part and parcel of the covenant of marriage. If you refuse to meet your spouse’s legitimate needs, who will?

3. Remember that sacrificial love was what you signed up for
Marriage consists of pleasure and sacrifice in equal measure. On one hand, we experience the extreme joys of companionship, mutual support and friendship which take us to indescribable heights of wellbeing. On the other hand, I believe a godly marriage is a universal cure for selfishness because God always calls us to a higher level of sacrifice in the way we respond to our spouse’s needs. Sometimes, meeting your spouse’s sexual needs will be an absolute pleasure, especially when those needs coincide with desires in your own heart. At other times, it can be a sheer sacrifice when you have to look beyond yourself and reach out to be a blessing to your spouse. The Bible makes it crystal clear that when you marry, you give up the right to claim your body as your own; you are merely a custodian. The husband gives up ownership of his body to his wife and vice versa. To seek to dispense and measure out your sexual attention to your spouse at your convenience is therefore not a scriptural option. God feels so strongly about this that even spiritual activity, like fasting, is not considered to be a legitimate reason to refuse your spouse’s needs! Abstaining from sex for spiritual reasons requires your spouse’s consent.

4. Be mutually considerate
The scriptures consistently promote the principle of mutual consideration; do unto others what you would like them to do to you. Treat your spouse with the same level of concern you would like to receive. Sometimes there are circumstances in a spouse’s sexual journey that call for just this. A man might experience a temporary disinterest in sex due to work stresses he is enduring; or a woman might experience a temporary loss of interest in sex due to hormonal changes. If you are the partner who is disinterested, you need to realise that your spouse’s sex drive is not going to disappear simply because yours has. Their needs are no less legitimate because they don’t coincide with yours. As such you need to make an extra effort in spite of how you feel. ‘Act more sexual than you feel’, is my advice in such circumstances. On the other hand, if you are the one who desires sex when your spouse doesn’t, express consideration of the difficulties your spouse is going through and appreciation for every effort made to meet your sexual needs during what is clearly a trying time. Sometimes, putting aside your expectations for a moment so that you can express genuine concern for the underlying reasons behind your spouse’s loss of interest can be the trigger they need to recapture their passion.

5. Find a formula that works for you as a couple
Your sex life is not all about you as an individual. Sex was designed by God to be a selfless act so that you get the most out of it by giving the most into it. The ability to be sensitive to each other’s desires when engaging in marital sex is probably one of the greatest keys to a fulfilling sex life. This is particularly important for husbands to remember because a woman is designed to respond more slowly and may require more time and tenderness. The key to being a great lover to the wife God gave you is not a macho, self-serving focus on your own needs. Some women lose interest in marital sex because they don’t feel listened to and their desires are ignored. There is an entire book in the Bible, Song of Solomon, which deals with the romantic side of the marriage relationship. Any husband who takes a cue from this great book in the Bible will reap the rewards in a more responsive wife.

6. Seek godly marriage counselling
Sometimes the sexual difficulties in a marriage are such that engaging a trained, godly counsellor to speak to you as a couple is the way forward. There is also a wealth of knowledge that can be gained from reading books that deal with this topic. I always stress the importance of making sure that your sources are scriptural as they will shape your thinking. One book that helped me tremendously, which I consistently recommend, is ‘The Act of Marriage: The beauty of sexual love’ by Tim and Beverly La Haye. It is a timeless classic that contains a beautiful balance of scripture and medical knowledge and is an easy read for any couple truly serious about achieving sexual harmony. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re not an expert. Seek help!

Are you marry-able?

Tue, 09 May 2017 18:06:00 GMT

‘It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.’ Those are the immortal words of Whitney Young, Jr., the great American Civil Rights leader, and I couldn’t agree more. Marriage is an opportunity that many people find themselves unprepared to embrace. Sometimes, people spend years, even decades, of their lives agonising over when ‘the one’ will show up. The tragedy is that when they do eventually get married to ‘the one’ , one year down the line their marriages are in disarray and they want out. What went wrong? What happened to all the visions of living ‘happily ever after’ ?

Many single people do not realise that ‘happily ever afters’ are not a chance occurrence. They are usually the result of preparation meeting opportunity. A successful marriage takes more than dreams and high hopes; it requires dogged faith and commitment, a variety of skills and a hefty dose of wisdom. I am eternally amazed when I counsel some premarital couples and find that they know next to nothing about what the marriage manual, the Bible, has to say about how to cultivate a successful marriage. Many have not read a book on marriage in recent times (or ever!), nor have they ever sat down to listen to someone teach on marriage-building skills. How can we hope to succeed at a lifetime endeavour with such scant preparation?

Sometimes couples depend on a crash-course of marriage counselling six weeks before the wedding, at which point they are so wrapped up in wedding plans that they cannot give focused attention to the marriage which is the purpose for the wedding. The statistics do not lie; the level of preparation you put in before marriage is directly proportional to the level of satisfaction you will derive early in your marriage. While you may not know when the right person will show up, you are fully responsible for your level of preparedness when they do.

Are you marriage ready? Sure, you are trusting God for a spouse but, in the interim, have you done your best to acquire the skills that will set you off to a flying start? Are you better prepared for marriage this year than you were this time last year? Anybody can marry but not everybody can sustain a marriage. You don’t have to be perfect to be married but you do need to be prepared. The level of preparation you put into marriage is indicative of the value you place upon marriage. Preparation positions you for success and protects you from nasty surprises. When preparation meets opportunity great things happen.
‭‭
The key to being marry-able is maturity. Most often we focus on physical maturity and assume that once a person attains a certain age they are mature enough to marry. Not so. Matthew‬ ‭19:11-12‬ in The Message paraphrase expresses it this way.

“But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.””

Marriage requires growth which transcends the addition of years. It requires an evolution in various areas of our lives until we are correctly positioned to make the best of the opportunity that marriage presents. There are three layers of maturity which I would like to address in relation to this subject.

Spiritual maturity

Marriage was God’s idea so there is a spiritual dimension to living successfully as husband and wife. There’s a level of spiritual resilience that prepares you for the challenges of marriage. There’s also an intimacy with God required because it positions you to hear and obey God’s counsel for marriage. Many people assume that marriage is strictly a physical transaction but the Bible makes it clear that it is a reflection of something deeper – the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:31-32).

God created marriage and He clearly laid out how it was designed to work on the pages of scripture. Some of His instructions may not be to our taste but our willingness to accept His master-plan and work with it is evidence that we are spiritually mature enough to handle the challenges of marriage. Spiritual maturity has very little to do with many of the outward things people focus on as a measure of how devoted a person is to God. It is irrelevant how much you pray and fast, how often you attend church or indeed how many scriptures you can quote. All of these things are great but the reality is that you are only spiritually mature when you have come to the point where the Word of God has become the final authority in your life. That’s where the rubber meets the road. As long as you have ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ when you approach God’s word, spiritual maturity will remain elusive.

Ask yourself honestly, ‘Has the word of God become the final authority in my life or do I still debate God’s instructions as contained in His word?’ What do you need to do to bring yourself to the point where you accept God’s word as final?

Mental and emotional maturity

Mental and emotional immaturity is another key reason why marriages fail. The capacity to control your thoughts and manage your emotions productively is vital to success in marriage. If you are used to acting on every random thought that crosses your mind or if your treatment of people is determined by your mood on any particular day, you will require an attitude adjustment to be able to make a success out of marriage. It takes wisdom to build a home. Proverbs 24:3 [AMP] makes it clear that, ‘Through skillful and godly Wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built, and by understanding it is established [on a sound and good foundation]’ . Wisdom and emotional immaturity are mutually exclusive; they do not co-habit.

There is nothing mysterious about wisdom. Wisdom is simply the ability to consistently choose thoughts and actions that are beneficial and productive. Every success you have achieved in your life up till this point will have been as a result of wise thoughts and actions; conversely, ever failure will have been as a consequence of unwise thoughts or actions. So it is with marriage. If on your worst day, when everything seems to be going against you, you can choose wise thoughts and actions towards your spouse, you are well on your way to victory in marriage. Much destruction and havoc in marriage can be attributed to a spouse entertaining wrong thoughts or acting unwisely to their spouse in a fit of negative emotion. One unwise word can cause long-term damage to a marriage.

Have you learnt how to master your emotions or are you emotions mastering you? How do you respond to people when things don’t go how you planned? Do your friends and family have to ‘take cover’ whenever you are upset? How easy is it for you to set aside your emotions and act in the best interests of another person, even when you are offended?

Life skills

Marriage is for men and women, not boys and girls. There are certain life skills that set you apart as an individual who is prepared for the commitment of marriage. Many of the things we take for granted when we are single become critical success factors once we marry. I would place in this category a number of life skills, the first of which is the ability to hold down a job, manage a business or do something productive with the gifts God has given you. Titus 3:14 has this to say. ‘And let our own [people really] learn to apply themselves to good deeds (to honest labour and honourable employment), so that they may be able to meet necessary demands whenever the occasion may require and not be living idle and uncultivated and unfruitful lives’ . Adam was first productive before God gave him a wife. The Virtuous Woman in Proverbs 31 is the epitome of productivity. Productivity does not mean you have it all together financially but it means that you are conscious that God expects you to do something with the gifts He has bestowed you with so that you are giving Him something to bless in every season of your life.

Other critical life skills which can make all the difference in a home are the ability to cook, clean, manage your finances and manage a home. These things are not rocket science! They are basic life skills which every single should bring to the table from day one when they marry. Yet, I find more and more singles totally unprepared for the practicalities of managing a home and running a family. Ask yourself, ‘What basic life skills do I need to cultivate to place myself at an advantage for marriage?

When will you marry?

Tue, 25 Apr 2017 19:48:00 GMT

I grew up in a world before video games and on-demand TV when children actually played outside with friends as opposed to linking up with virtual ‘friends’ on their mobile phones. Life was ridiculously uncomplicated and we found the greatest delight in the simplest things like the daily dose of Sesame Street , endless rounds of hop-scotch and of course, skipping. A skipping rope was an essential commodity for any primary school girl and I spent numerous hours perfecting my skipping skills with my friends.

As I reflect, I recall a seemingly innocuous song which was a staple accompaniment to many of our skipping escapades. ‘Tomi, Tomi, when will you marry? This year? Next year? Sometime forever? January, February etc etc’ . You get the drift. It was laughable. We were not even teenagers yet. Little did we know that this would become a life defining question for many of us in the near future.

‘When will you marry?’ has become the one question that many single women and increasing numbers of single men have come to dread at family functions and school reunions. Those words thoughtlessly bounce off the lips of well-meaning relatives and friends and echo in the souls of men and women trying to find one person to love forever in a world of 7 billion people. How come finding love sometimes seems so hard? Is love simply a lottery at which some people strike it lucky while others lose out?

Have you ever wondered where all the good men or women have gone? Why does it seem that some people meet their match when they’re not even looking while others seek for years before finding one? I mulled this issue over for years and just when I had filed it in the questions-to-ask-God-when-I-get–to-heaven file, God spoke up in my heart one day with a series of questions. Now, when God begins to answer your questions with questions, you know that God is not asking to be educated by you as Job found out during his trials! Having rambled on for ages, bemoaning his sorry situation, God responded to Job with a volley of questions in Job 38 – 41 which I believe is the most awe-inspiring description of the majesty of God contained in scripture.

But I digress. Back to my dialogue with God…or more accurately, monologue (as He was asking all the questions). The questions were brief but instructive. Why does day not break at the same time every day? Why does night-fall not arrive at the same time each night? Why do the seasons change on different days each year? Why do all the apples on a tree not ripen at the same time during fruiting season? Does it mean that there is something wrong? It was an eureka moment for me. I know that there are all sorts of scientific explanations for these phenomena but ultimately they all point to the sovereignty of the God who set these forces in motion. I have had many opportunities since that day to reflect on the truth that God is the God of our life-seasons and much as we may wish to dictate the pace at which our seasons change, we do not have the capacity to, because God has chosen to keep that within His remit. Our part is to act on His word consistently; His part is to perform His word, and He always does.

Don’t conclude that there is something wrong with you simply because you have not found your soulmate yet. It’s not because you have not prayed enough or fasted enough. It’s not because you are not good looking enough or because you have too many ‘issues’ ; it’s not even about more money in the bank or a nicer car. The truth is that you don’t have to be perfect to be married. Just taking a look at some of the married people you know should tell you that! If you know God has not called you to a life of singleness and you really want to get married, I believe that God is committed to fulfilling your heart’s desires because He put those desires there. If you are prepared to follow His plan for your relationships, you will get married at the right time for you and not a second later.

When we succeed in laying to rest the matter of timing, it makes it easier to concentrate on enjoying and maximising each season of our lives. For the single ladies out there, all the mental arguments about ticking biological clocks are very real and daunting but at some point you need to hand the clock to God and let Him do the watching while you get on with living. That is definitely harder to do than it sounds but it is fundamental to living a fulfilled life as a single person. Otherwise you run the risk of ascribing your fulfilment to a relationship that does not have the capacity to deliver fulfilment in and of itself, rather than to God. All the worry in the world will not deliver God’s promise; faith and trust will. Having said this, we each have a responsibility to ensure that we do not prolong the waiting seasons of our lives unnecessarily by our attitudes and choices.

In my view, more important than the ‘When will you marry?’ question is this, ‘Will you be ready when you do marry?’ That, for me, is the crux of the matter. You may not be able to answer the ‘When?’ question but your level of preparedness for marriage, when it does happen, is entirely within the realms of your control. Some people squander their singleness, making one bad choice after another in a race to the altar, when they should actually be taking a step back to assess what kind of personal development they require to be able to sustain a strong, godly marriage when it does happen. In the immortal words of Whitney Young, Jr., the great American Civil Rights leader, ‘It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.’ One of the greatest tragedies I witness today is people who wait year after year for marriage, only to get married eventually and find their marriages in crisis within the first few years. They were as unprepared at the altar when they said ‘I do’ as they were way back when their wait began.

What have you done between this time last year and now to position yourself for a fulfilling marriage? How have you grown? How have your attitudes changed? What do you know this year that you didn’t know last year about how to make marriage work? Are you getting better or are you simply growing bitter? It’s your choice. I have received several messages asking me to discuss how to prepare for marriage so watch out for next week’s blog post, ‘Are you marry-able?’

Have you forgiven you?

Tue, 11 Apr 2017 18:42:00 GMT

Have you ever said or done something that was obviously such an error of judgement that you found it hard to recover? Maybe you still blame yourself for a disastrous mistake you made a month ago, a year ago or even a decade ago. As we prepare our hearts to celebrate Easter I think it is well worth reflecting on the transforming power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is what the Easter story is all about. The entire Christian faith and experience is founded on forgiveness. The fact that God in His ultimate goodness chose to forgive us of all offences, committed and yet to be committed, in order to ensure that we have unlimited access to Him as our Father, is mind blowing. Forgiveness restored our relationship with God.

In the same way, human forgiveness has the capacity to restore broken relationships. Even where the relationship cannot be restored, forgiveness heals wounded hearts. Forgiveness is not the easiest exercise for anyone but it is a therapeutic one. Those who master the art of forgiving others position their hearts for inner peace.

As hard as it is to forgive others, for many people there is one thing that is even harder. Forgiving self. When somebody hurts you, at least you have the comfort of claiming that it was not your fault. The responsibility for the offence lies with the offender; your only responsibility is to choose the right response. That’s not always easy, but it is more palatable than when the source of offence is yourself. How do you face up to the fact that you have done something to badly hurt someone you love which may have a profound impact on the viability of the relationship? Or how do you come to terms with the fact that your actions have become a source of hurt for you?

For many of us, our failures are often followed by an endless cycle of guilt and recrimination. There is no doubt that human mistakes can be costly and if you have done something that has turned out to have long-term consequences, it can be difficult to recover. Sometimes we find it hard to distinguish between godly conviction and ungodly guilt. I am a 100% advocate of repentance which is a product of godly conviction. Repentance brings us to a place where we are ready to accept God’s forgiveness and move on, taking with us the lessons we have learnt from our mistakes.

Guilt on the other hand produces feelings of regret and shame but it does not have the power to propel us into a better way of living. The Apostle Paul describes this condition as ‘excessive sorrow’ in 2 Corinthians 2:7. If you feel so bad about something you have done that you are unable to recover from it, despite repentance before God, you are experiencing guilt which does not come from God. All of God’s dealings with us are designed to lift us up out of our mess, not to depress us and push us further into it.

One of the risky aspects of our inability to forgive ourselves is that it can impact on our ability to forgive others. Many times our struggle to forgive others is a reflection of a struggle to forgive ourselves. If you are merciless to yourself, that attitude has the propensity to make you merciless with others. It needs to be recognised that Jesus came to give you freedom, not to make you feel there’s no hope for you. If the Righteous Judge has chosen to forgive you, what right do you have not to forgive yourself? Surely you cannot be more righteous than God!

There can be no better case study of forgiving yourself than Peter, the disciple who denied Jesus. It is clear that Judas Iscariot set out to betray Jesus, yet he eventually experienced regret which led to him committing suicide. Peter on the other hand had every intention of staying faithful to Jesus but in a moment of weakness he denied the one he loved the most. Imagine denying the Saviour of the world. Failures don’t get any worse than that! Nevertheless, if Peter did not forgive himself, the forgiveness of Christ would have had no effect on how he lived his life. He would never have had the opportunity to bounce back and become all that Jesus knew he could be. We would have lost the profound impact he made for God in his lifetime.

Guilt robs us of our power to act on our potential. It makes us feel disqualified and counted out from the race of life. Peter had to face the fact that even though he had denied Jesus, Jesus had not denied him. He must have wondered whether the other disciples were silently judging him for his denial of Christ. It must have crossed his mind to consider whether they were silently questioning the legitimacy of his leadership in those early days of the Church. Nevertheless, when Peter heard that the Lord had resurrected he ran towards him and not away from him. He rose from his mistake a better person. Shame and condemnation will keep you away from God. Forgiving yourself will draw you closer to the father heart of God and reposition you to fulfil your potential.

Where have you failed? What grievous mistake have you made which is holding you back from living and loving? Have you failed a friend, your spouse, your children or yourself. By all means repent, but also give yourself the permission to move on with life. It happened, it hurts but it can be healed. The key is to forgive yourself as Christ has already done. Silence the accusations in your head once and for all. Accept the grace God has extended towards you. Rise and give your very best to our world. Make this your most memorable Easter ever. Forgive you.

Are you focusing on the ‘right’ thing?

Tue, 04 Apr 2017 12:12:00 GMT

Marriage is a delicate balance of rights and responsibilities. It takes both working in harmony for a marriage to thrive. We all enter into marriage on the understanding that we have acquired certain rights when we said ‘I do’ . We quite rightly expect our spouse to meet certain basic needs we have. However, we often don’t realise that focusing on our rights is not the healthiest approach to marriage.

Most couples who made it to the altar got there based on a singular focus on the wellbeing of their partner. Think back to your pre-marriage days and you will recall how much time you spent dreaming up ways to be good to your spouse-to-be. You wanted to understand what makes them happy; you poured a lot of creativity into meeting his or her needs; you listened carefully to their unspoken desires and found pleasure in meeting them. You made him or her feel special, treasured, cared for, and that’s what they signed up for when they said ‘I do’ .

Fast forward several years later. Somewhere along the line a subtle shift has occurred and now you find yourself majoring on what your partner should be doing to please you, rather than what you were so good at doing – pleasing your partner. Do you constantly find yourself complaining about what your spouse is not doing that you find little motivation to do what you can do to make your spouse feel valued and appreciated? If so, that is a symptom of ‘rights disease’. You have contracted a malady that needs immediate attention before it snuffs the life out of your marriage.

One of the reasons why focusing on rights leads to failure in marriage is because our focus shapes our mentality. Marriage was not designed to function on a ‘getting’ mentality; rather the love of God finds its highest and best expression through us when we focus on giving. Marriage was not designed to be a self-serving enterprise where you extract the maximum benefit from your spouse and give little in return. The most inspiring marriages are created by two people serving each other selflessly. In Ephesians 5:21-28, God lays out the parameters for a healthy marriage.

21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favour—since they’re already “one” in marriage.’

It is instructive that God focuses on the responsibilities we have acquired through marriage, not the rights. He encourages husbands to focus on meeting their wives’ deepest need for sacrificial love and wives to focus on respectfully supporting their husbands’ leadership. Herein lies the secret to success in marriage. Paradoxically, I often find wives focusing on the scriptures addressed to their husbands and husbands constantly referring to the verses addressed to their wives, without paying attention to God’s instructions to them personally. Why spend your time reading someone else’s mail?

One unfortunate consequence of focusing on our rights in marriage is that it programs us to seek to enforce our rights. We use criticism, control and manipulation in a bid to get our spouse to do what we feel they should be doing for us. This means that God is no longer in control of our marriages; we are. Seeking to enforce your rights usually leads to a loss of peace in marriage. Are you trying too hard to protect your own interests? If you are expending your energy trying to get your wife to respect you or your husband to love you, you have missed the point of marriage. Give it a rest and give your marriage over to God. Focus on your own assignment within the marriage and let God work in your spouse’s life, teaching them how to treat you right. God will defend your rights when you focus on your responsibilities.

No one ever cultivated a great marriage by focusing on the thinking that says, ‘What’s in it for me?’ Great marriages are based on a ‘How can I serve you?’ mindset. Even Jesus, our Leader and Example made a clear statement that He came not to be served but to serve. That was how He won the world; by sacrifice, not by self-preservation. If all your thoughts regarding your marriage are centred on what your spouse should be doing to please you and meet your needs, you are living below the level of joy which is possible in marriage. Turn your marriage experience right-side-up today by asking yourself, ‘What can I do to serve my spouse?’ To borrow the immortal words of John F Kennedy, 35th President of the United States, ‘Ask not what your spouse can do for you; ask rather what you can do for your spouse’.

In-laws and intimacy: the balancing act that makes marriage work

Sun, 26 Mar 2017 15:02:00 GMT

One of the greatest joys of marriage is the ability to experience a level of intimacy with another person which transcends anything you have previously experienced in other human relationships. Intimacy is simply a sense of closeness – spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. Prior to marriage, we experience all sorts of other relationships with varying degrees of closeness. However, marriage is designed to bond us closely to our spouse in a way that is distinct and different from all other human relationships we enjoy. That bond of intimacy makes fun times even happier and tough times easier to bear. It is also the bond that helps us focus on achieving a common purpose together.

So how is the bond of intimacy created? In Genesis 2:24 the scriptures describe a two-stage process designed to create the highest level of intimacy possible between two humans. ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.’ This simple but profound statement was made by God as soon as He created marriage. The moment Adam laid eyes on Eve and came to the realisation that she was meant to share his life, God made this pronouncement. Essentially He was saying, ‘This is how this thing is designed to work’.

I have found that many times people focus on the ‘cleaving’ aspect of intimacy without first taking care of the ‘leaving’ aspect and consequently, as hard as they try, they never quite experience the intimacy they anticipated in marriage. It is crucial to note that when God made this pronouncement about intimacy, there was no such thing as a father or mother. God was addressing the first humans that ever existed who were to become the father and mother of the human race. Yet He felt it was important to set the ground rules for how marriage was designed to function, well before the complexities of family and in-laws ever existed. The formula is simple: you must leave, then you are properly positioned to cleave and ultimately you can become one. Marriage was not designed to work without this two-step process of leaving and cleaving.

‘Leaving’ has often been misunderstood to simply refer to geographical removal from your parents’ home. While this is part of the concept God had in mind, it does not embrace the full meaning of what He intended. You can be geographically separate from someone while mentally and emotionally you are still bound to them. Geographical separation is simply supposed to symbolise the spiritual, mental and emotional independence you have attained which indicates that you are now prepared and equipped for marriage. The role and responsibility of parents is to invest in and train their children with a view to releasing them into full independence at the appropriate time. It is an anomaly for a parent to cling to control over an adult child or for an adult child to remain dependent on the parent. A parent has not fully succeeded in his or her role until they have released their child into independent living. Letting go can be a difficult thing to do as parents when we have nurtured children for years but ultimately, when our job of shaping our children is done, we should be able to trust them into the hands of the God who said they have to ‘leave’ to fully enjoy the next phase of their lives.

So what does this mean in practice? Leaving does not mean abandoning your parents. That would be a violation of scripture because the Bible commands children to honour and care for their parents. In fact, Ephesians 6:2 makes the point that God’s commandment to honour your parents is the first commandment to which He attached a promise, so God takes our attitude to our parents very seriously. Nevertheless, for marriage to work, the nature and character of parental relationships, and all other relationships surrounding your life, need to change in order to make room for the marriage relationship. Leaving means you restructure your relationship priorities so that your spouse becomes your first priority. That is what the next phase of your life requires. Your relationship with your spouse must take pre-eminence above all other human relationships if your marriage is to thrive.

It is impossible to ‘cleave’ if you don’t leave. To cleave means to be joined to and adhere strongly to someone such that you become inseparable. If the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical bonds binding a person to their spouse are weaker than the bonds to their parents, that marriage will struggle and will never achieve the realms of intimacy possible, without a realignment of priorities. A marriage where leaving is incomplete becomes a dysfunctional marriage because you will be attempting to bind more than two people together in that union.

If you are struggling in this area, you need to recognise it and deal with it if you want your marriage to succeed. There are a number of ways to identify that your leaving process is not yet complete:

No matter how well intentioned they are, in God’s design your extended family are not supposed to interfere with the intimate bond between husband and wife. Because they love you, they should support your autonomy as a family unit. Extended family is designed to be a support system for your marriage and you should be there for them and support them, without giving them pre-eminence over your husband or wife. It is your responsibility as a husband or wife to set the ground rules with your family as to how they relate to your spouse. If you establish excellent relationships and healthy boundaries with both sets of extended family, you will have placed your marriage on a sound footing to achieve the intimacy which God has designed you to enjoy.

3 habits that could be harming your marriage

Tue, 21 Mar 2017 20:07:00 GMT

What you do habitually will determine the course and quality of your marriage. Habits are repetitive patterns of behaviour and they are powerful determinants of the direction in which our lives are headed. Sometimes we engage in habits unconsciously without recognising the harm they are doing. On its own, any one of the following three habits is dangerous enough to sink a marriage.

Comparison
Comparison is a natural tendency we all have as humans. As we grow up we learn to understand and codify the world around us by comparing. As children we compare slow and fast, soft and hard, big and small, so that we can make sense of the world around us. As we grow up, we start to use comparison to weigh options; we look at the pros and cons of two alternatives in order to arrive at a wise decision. Comparison can be good when kept in its proper context. There are however some contexts where comparison can be harmful and marriage is one of them. Marriage is based on the premise that you have weighed up all your options before you made a commitment. Once you’re married, comparison should no longer play a part in your thinking process regarding your spouse if you want to enjoy a satisfying marriage.

Comparison shows up in marriage when you find yourself estimating the similarities and differences between your spouse and someone else, whether it is a friend’s spouse, a friend, an ex or even a parent. At its worst, comparison means you have measured your spouse against the standard you believe another person has set and decided that your spouse is lacking. This kind of comparison is dangerous because it does two things to your mind. Firstly, it diminishes the uniqueness of your spouse in your eyes and subjects them to a standard they were not designed by God to meet. Secondly, it hinders your ability to be thankful to God for your spouse because it blinds you to all their virtues and strengths. All you will be able to see is how they fall short in relation to that other person whom you have set up as a standard.

If you have a tendency to compare your spouse to other people, stop for a moment and consider the damage you are doing to your marriage. The feeling of restless dissatisfaction you feel day in day out may well be because you have lost sight of what you have and have become obsessed with what you feel you don’t have. The cure for comparison is thoughtful thankfulness. A thankfulness that says my wife may not be the gourmet cook my mother was but she is caring, respectful and has stood by me in the toughest of times. A thankfulness that says my husband may not be the most romantic man on earth but he is faithful, considerate and he loves his family wholeheartedly. Thankfulness for what you have will enrich your marriage endlessly.

Competition
Competition is really just another form of comparison. It sneaks into a marriage when you compare yourself with your spouse and begin striving to establish superiority or supremacy over them. Without a doubt the world is full of competition; we all face it daily. We compete at school for top marks, compete in games for the prize, compete at work for a promotion. Healthy competition is not all bad because it sometimes helps us reach for standards we never thought we could reach. However, it can get exhausting when it enters the home arena. When you come home you should feel you have a place of refuge from a competitive world. What a tragedy to introduce the pressure of competition into your home. 2 Corinthians 10:12 makes it clear that, ‘…When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.’

A person who competes with their spouse has entirely missed the point of marriage. The scriptures declare that marriage is based on the premise that ‘the two shall become one’ . Striving to establish supremacy over someone who is an integral part of you is an exercise in futility. To compete with your spouse is to defeat the purpose of marriage which is to complete each other. Marriage is based on covenant which means you place your individual strengths at each other’s disposal. Your spouse’s victories should be your victories and your spouse’s disappointments should be your disappointments. Competition has no place in marriage and unless it is eliminated a strong partnership will remain an elusive dream.

Contempt
Contempt is the third and most dangerous habit that needs to be eliminated from your marriage. Contempt is a deep-seated feeling that a person is worthless or beneath consideration. Another definition is disregard or disapproval tinged with disgust. Unfortunately this is an emotion that is encountered too frequently in marriage counselling situations. When a husband or wife has concluded that no good thing can come out of their spouse, the marriage has entered dangerous territory. It becomes very apparent in their communication and actions towards their spouse. So how does contempt enter a marriage?

It all begins with comparing your spouse to an imaginary standard and deciding that your spouse has fallen short of that standard. Contempt usually creeps in on the heels of disappointment. We set a standard for our spouse, realistic or unrealistic. They fail to meet that standard and we reduce our estimation of them just a little. This becomes a recurring pattern until respect is lost completely and is replaced by contempt. When contempt walks in, respect walks out because the two cannot co-exist.

It is not difficult to recognise contempt. When disagreements are no longer about the issue but have become all about the person, contempt has set in. Once contempt enters a relationship it becomes almost impossible for a person to do anything right in their spouse’s eyes. Every action they take is met with harsh judgement because of the underlying narrative of contempt.

So what is the remedy for contempt? It begins with eliminating unrealistic expectations. Many times that image in a person’s head of what their spouse should behave like is not grounded in reality. No human being is perfect so examine whether or not your ‘dream spouse’ is a realistic picture. Secondly, it is important to communicate your realistic expectations. Sometimes we assume our spouse should instinctively know what makes us happy without us having to communicate it. The reality is that no human being can anticipate your needs 24/7 and meet them on cue. It takes constant and open communication between a couple to establish a mutually satisfying relationship. Commit to communicating your needs respectfully with your spouse and eliminate contempt from your thought process and speech. If you feel like your realistic needs are not being met, despite trying to communicate with your spouse, that is the point at which to seek godly marriage counselling rather than allowing your marriage to go into a downward spiral.

Which of these habits have you subconsciously been engaging in?
What steps are you going to take to eliminate it?

How to make smart love decisions

Mon, 13 Mar 2017 20:50:00 GMT

Each one of us has our own private concept of love – how it happens, how it is experienced, what it’s all about. This concept forms over the years as we grow up and make deductions from our family background, the opinions of people around us, the media and our experiences. All these factors combine with our personal disposition to frame our concept of love. Your concept of love is like a blueprint or a building plan. It determines how you go about building your relationships, how you run your relationships and your capacity to experience love. A healthy love concept gives birth to a healthy love life.

So it is that some people have embraced the misconception that love is blind. We don’t say it but we act it. We act as if love has nothing to do with reasoning and objectivity. Falling in love is considered to be an involuntary, irrational thing that just happens to us. As a result, we don’t exercise due diligence in choosing a life partner; feelings and feelings alone dictate whom we should marry. If we feel a certain way about someone, we assume it means we are in love with them. If we are in love with them, we conclude we should marry them. To top up the misconception, we expect that once we marry them, things will simply work out because we are in love. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.

The reality is that it is supremely easy to ‘fall in love’ with someone who is not good for you. Falling in love is simply an alternative expression for attraction, not a guarantee of lifelong commitment. Most people who will end up divorced this year fell in love once upon a time. True love is not blind but sometimes people make blind decisions based on feelings. There are three feelings you need to avoid if you intend to make smart love decisions:

Infatuation – When we are blinded by an image of a person we cannot see the reality of who they are. Infatuated people see what they want to see in a person, even if it is not really there. If every godly person around you can see the glaring flaws in your relationship but you cannot, take a step back and look again. Consider the counsel of Proverbs 14:15. ‘The naive or inexperienced person [is easily misled and] believes every word he hears, but the prudent man [is discreet and astute and] considers well where he is going.’

Desperation – When we are blinded by haste we make desperate decisions which are not in our best interests. We let the fear of missing out lure us into a relationship that saps the life out of us. Do not permit your desire to find love to outweigh your commitment to finding it God’s way. Proverbs 19:2 provides wise counsel in this respect. ‘Desire without knowledge is not good, and to be overhasty is to sin and miss the mark.’ Setting deadlines for God as to when we must be married is a symptom of desperation not trust; it does not give room for God’s plans to mature in our lives. Only in hindsight do people realise that no marriage is far better than a painful marriage.

Passion – When we are drunk with the wine of passion, our focus is blurred and our insight becomes distorted. Sex with someone you are not married to changes everything in that relationship and not for the better. Once the sexual dimension enters a relationship, emotional entanglement is reinforced and there is a tendency to let go of all your ideals and settle for what is in hand. You need a clear head and a pure heart to make godly decisions about whom to marry. Don’t sacrifice your future on the altar of a moment of present pleasure.

The God who gave you a heart also gave you a head. Use it when making love decisions. Feelings are not conclusive – they come and go, so go beyond your emotions and check things out before you commit to someone. There are four things you can do to make smart L.O.V.E decisions.

L – Listen
Don’t make uninformed decisions about a person. If you are going to make a conclusive decision about someone you must learn about them, and one way to learn is to listen. Forget about sweet nothings and aimless talk. Ask them pointed questions about things that matter to you and listen carefully to how they respond. Listen and try to assess their convictions, motives and values. Listen also to the godly counsel of those whom you trust to have your best interests at heart. Above all, listen intently to God’s instructions in His word and His directions in your heart.

O – Observe
Somebody once said that ‘If love is blind, marriage is a real eye opener’ . We tend to look at someone through tinted glasses before we are married; once we are married we pull out the magnifying glass and begin to scrutinise them for faults. We should do the exact opposite. Carefully observe a person before you choose to marry them. Don’t just spend time alone with that person; watch them in their natural habitat and around their friends and family. Observe what kinds of friends they keep. Watch how they respond to pressure and how they treat others. God makes it clear that we tend to look at the appearance but He looks at the heart. Ask Him to help you see as He sees.

V – Verify
Ronald Reagan famously said, ‘Trust, but verify.’ Get to know a person’s friends, family, and pastor – anyone who really knows them. Until then all you have is unsubstantiated testimony. There is a reason that bankers and employers ask for references. Marriage is a lifelong decision so take your time to verify who you are dealing with. Introduce them to people who matter to you and be open to receiving counsel. It is pointless to gather unverified information about a person. Proverbs 11:14 declares, ‘Where there is no [wise, intelligent] guidance, the people fall [and go off course like a ship without a helm], but in the abundance of [wise and godly] counsellors there is victory.’

E – Express
Any person you have to pretend for will be a lifelong burden not a blessing. Open up and see how they respond. Don’t hide your convictions to secure a relationship. Anything you compromise to keep, you will eventually lose. Share your faith, values, dreams and life story, and observe the feedback. Open up about your triumphs and failures and see how they react. Be honest about yourself and see if this person values you for who you are. If they don’t, they simply don’t deserve you.

How to refresh your marriage

Tue, 07 Mar 2017 19:45:00 GMT

Where did all the excitement go? How did you lose the wonder of being married to the love of your life. There was a time when the thought of your beloved filled your heart with warmth and joy. You could not wait to see each other. Moments apart stretched out like ages. Time spent together seemed to take flight on eagles’ wings. Now a cold mist of indifference has gripped your heart. Where did all the exhilaration go? And more importantly, how can you recapture it?

The period between ‘I will’ and ‘I do’ is always supercharged with emotions. There is a feeling of blessedness that comes with finding the one with whom you know you want to spend the rest of your life. When, out of a world of seven billion people, you discover one person with whom you connect, and they connect with you, it makes you feel grateful. Grateful to have found love and grateful that love has found you.

Fast forward six months, one year, or five years down the line when gratitude begins to lose its shine. Your fascination loses its edge as you are confronted daily with the reality that the person you married is human and…surprise, surprise…flawed. We forget that our uniqueness as human beings is not one dimensional. We are unique in our strengths but the flip side of every strength, every gift, every talent, is a unique set of weaknesses we are striving to overcome. The journey of spiritual maturity is an ongoing venture to curb our weaknesses so that our strengths can flourish. 2 Peter 1:5-8 puts it this way.

‘For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.’

The reality is that no matter how spiritual you or your spouse are, there is always something to ‘add’ . There is always something we are working on. So what do we do when we are confronted with those areas in our spouse’s life which are still ‘under construction’ ? When we discover that our spouse is vibrant, energetic, funny and disorganised in equal parts? Or we find out that our strong, determined, capable sweetheart is lacking in the empathy department? What do we do when we are confronted with the obvious human-ness of our husband or wife? For many people, their spouse’s lack becomes their sole obsession in the relationship. It no longer matters that she makes you laugh and encourages you when you are hurting; all that matters is that she cannot remember appointments and is perpetually late. It now counts for nothing that he provides so diligently and stands by you in difficult times; all that you can see is that he fails to remember your birthday or did not text you to let you know he would be late home.

Suddenly, the little irritations become big issues. We lose perspective because we have lost our sense of wonder. From my experience counselling married couples, I have come to the conclusion that all the tools and techniques in the world will not help a marriage if the partners are fundamentally ungrateful for each other. When a sense of entitlement creeps into a marriage, it drains that marriage of every iota of vitality. If you are consumed with the idea that your spouse owes you more, you will lose the ability to be thankful for what you already have. I don’t diminish the fact that in some marriages there are big, fundamental problems that threaten the continued existence of that marriage. I encounter such situations daily in my work with couples. However, I have found that in many marriages, it is the little annoyances that have been catalogued and have escalated to the point where the couple completely loses sight of how blessed they are to have each other. They lose perspective. They lose focus.

What is the secret to recapturing your fascination and refreshing your marriage? Let’s start with something basic. Thankfulness. I am a firm believer in teaching step-by-step principles and practices to enhance love relationships. That has become the focus of my life’s work but I am convinced that without a foundation of gratitude, principles mean nothing and techniques fall short. Thankfulness keeps you enamoured with your spouse because it reminds you about all the things you love about them, not all the areas where they are lacking. Thankfulness gives birth to praise. The more thankful you are for your spouse, the easier it will be to verbalise your admiration and appreciation. Luke 6:45 makes it clear that ‘…the mouth speaks what the heart is full of’ . Thankfulness does not mean everything is perfect; it just means we acknowledge God’s faithfulness in our today. This is one of the greatest paradigm shifts we can have in a relationship.

Take a moment and reflect right now. Your spouse may be falling short in some areas that matter to you but what qualities drew you to him or her in the first place? Those qualities are still there if you can unearth them and look at them afresh with newfound appreciation. There are men and women out there who are wishing and longing for those precise qualities in their spouse. The difficulty is that we all take for granted what we have and we magnify what we lack. We need to learn to value what we have. Catch sight of your spouse’s goodness afresh and thank God for it.

Make a list of five reasons why you are grateful for your spouse and thank God out loud for each reason for thirty days. Do it consistently and it will change your perspective because that’s how to break the habit of criticism; replace it with a habit of gratitude. You will soon find that appreciation becomes your default setting and while your spouse may still be imperfect, as you are, you will be perfectly grateful for him or her and your marriage will be refreshed.

Consider this quote from Melody Beattie which sums it all up beautifully for me. ‘Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.’

How to find healing for your hurts

Tue, 28 Feb 2017 20:10:00 GMT

There’s no denying it. Sometimes life hurts. People do things to us that we feel we don’t deserve. It may be someone we don’t know but nevertheless it hurts. What hurts much more is when it’s someone we do know, especially someone close. Someone we’ve trusted. Someone we’ve depended upon. Maybe even a spouse, parent or friend.

Hurt happens to every one of us and we often don’t get to choose what sort of hurt we encounter. What we do get to choose, however, is our response to hurts. We choose whether to break down or bounce back. We choose whether to retreat or advance. Viktor Frankl, the Austrian neurologist and holocaust survivor put it aptly when he said, ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’ Having endured a Nazi concentration camp and the loss of his wife and most of his immediate family at the hands of their Nazi captors, Frankl was speaking from a deep experience of choosing the right response even in the most traumatic of circumstances.

Whenever we face hurt it is like a fork in the road of our destiny; a junction of two options. There really are only two ways to go. The way of bitterness or the way of forgiveness. Bitterness is not just a natural consequence of hurt; it is as deliberate a choice as forgiveness is. When someone hurts you, you consciously make the choice to go down the path of bitterness or the path of forgiveness. You wonder how?

Bitterness forms in our hearts when we meditate upon our pain until we become entrenched in it. The degree of pain we feel after a hurt depends on the interpretation we ascribe to the actions that produced the hurt. This is why thinking is important in the healing process. If your thinking is not disciplined, you will experience more pain in difficult circumstances and you will take much longer to recover from your pain. Pain is magnified when we allow our minds to roam freely in the midst of our hurts. ‘Why me?’ ‘What must he have been thinking about when he said that?’ ‘She must have meant to hurt me when she did that.’ ‘Why did God not do something to shield me from this?’ Unhelpful thought patterns like this aggravate our wounds and heighten our awareness of the gravity of the hurt we have experienced. When our mind becomes unguarded in its analysis and conclusions, we drift down the path of bitterness until we feel like there’s no way back to what we used to be.

Conversely, when we choose forgiveness, we frame the arguments in our mind along the lines of God’s word and we enhance our recovery speed in hurtful situations. Thinking in line with God’s word puts things in perspective. Our minds will always think, analyse and seek to make sense of what we have experienced. It is up to us to determine the parameters within which we will permit our minds to think. Why give your mind the freedom to escalate your pain? Why not use your mind as an instrument of healing by thinking about what God has to say about your situation? As we remind ourselves that we have the capacity to forgive the most grievous hurt, and recall that we are commanded to forgive by the only One qualified to judge all, we position ourselves firmly on the path to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a spiritual discipline that reminds us of how fallible we are ourselves. We are all prone to mistakes; we are all recipients of God’s mercy. The person who chooses not to forgive consciously places themselves outside the circle of God’s grace and mercy. Colossians 3:13 clearly instructs us, ‘Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’ While unforgiveness may seem justifiable in certain circumstances when someone has caused us great harm, it achieves no good and simply exacerbates our pain. The wiser choice is to allow God to defend our cause and be the Judge of all. Forgiveness may sometimes seem inconceivable but unforgiveness harms us much more than the original hurt did.

Pain is a natural response to hurt but bitterness prolongs the pain while forgiveness heals the pain. Our choice of forgiveness over bitterness is what begins the healing process for our pain. Forgiveness is a self-healing mechanism that helps us bounce back. When we are hurt emotionally, we feel the pain internally but when we forgive, the hurt loses the ability to hold us bound. What pains are you nursing? What hurts have you experienced that you are finding it hard to let go of? Forgiveness is often not an easy choice but the price of unforgiveness is too costly to afford. Don’t give in to bitterness.

Today is the day when you need to make a clean break; a break from the pain and hurt that has tried to clip your wings and hold you bound. This is your opportunity to give your hurts to God and let Him pour balm into your wounded soul. There is healing with God. There is restoration in Him alone. If you feel you cannot forgive in your power, you are right; let Him strengthen you from within to do what you know you must do. God and God alone can empower you to rise above bitterness and feel the liberty that accompanies forgiveness. You may not have chosen your hurt but today is the day when you choose your response to it. Choose well.

Who’s at the steering wheel?

Mon, 13 Feb 2017 19:51:00 GMT

Over the years, I have become more and more convinced that one of the most potent keys to a husband’s heart is for his wife to give up trying to control him. I recently read a revealing article by renowned speaker and best-selling author, Priscilla Shirer titled, ‘Your husband’s two biggest fears’ . She quotes another speaker, Kay Arthur who argued that one of a man’s biggest fears is the fear of being controlled by a woman. (Just to satisfy your curiosity, a man’s second big fear is the fear of being found inadequate.) The desire to take control of our husbands is a subtle temptation which many women fall for in a bid to protect themselves or their family from a real or imagined disaster as a consequence of their husband’s wrong decisions. Some women behave as if they are on a mission to save their husband from himself. Our behaviour communicates that we feel he is not competent to make sensible decisions and we then marvel when he refuses to step up and assume leadership responsibility in the home. If a man thinks his leadership capacity has been pre-judged, he will either not bother to try or go off on the other extreme of being a dictator.

Many men feel like they are on trial every day; the validity of their decision-making is being judged daily by the outcomes they experience. Don’t make the burden heavier by working against him. He needs you on his team, rooting for him. Good leaders are not born; they are made by much experience in the trenches of life. Allow your husband to evolve into the leader God designed him to be. If you take away the mantle of leadership from him because you feel you can do a better job, don’t complain when you end up with a passive husband who is disinterested in the home. If a man feels like he can’t win, he will lose the will to even try. If he feels like he does not have your respect, he will not even bother to try and impress you.

Does this mean that he will always get it right? Absolutely not, but if he knows that your default position is full support for him, he will lead with confidence knowing that even when he makes a mistake you will recognise that everything he does is in the best interests of his family. Give him permission to make mistakes. Mistakes are often fuel for growth so if you try to insulate your husband from mistakes by forcing your own opinion, you will take away his opportunities for growth. Give your husband the freedom to make decisions and support him in those decisions. If you disagree with the choices he is making, state your reasons clearly and respectfully and then turn the matter over to God. 1 Peter 3:1-2 puts it this way, ‘In the same way, wives, you should patiently accept the authority of your husbands. This is so that even if they don’t obey God’s word, as they observe your pure respectful behaviour, they may be persuaded without a word by the way you live.’ Men are more easily persuaded by respectful behaviour than subversive words.

When you have a different opinion from your husband, don’t try to force your point of view. God has given you to your husband as a balancing influence, to provide another perspective so that together you both make better decisions than either of you would have made alone. This is a sacred responsibility but it is not a divine mandate to try to override your husband every time he wants to make a decision. He has ultimate responsibility for the wellbeing of the family before God and he needs to know that you trust his judgement. If he does get it wrong, having not followed your advice, it is so tempting to descend to the ‘I told you so’ mindset. Resist that temptation. Be gracious because next time you may well be the one requiring grace for your mistakes. Besides, leadership is hard and leaders need the latitude to make decisions and sometimes make mistakes without being judged. Failure, as well as success, will strengthen a man’s leadership muscles. We learn most in life, not from what we get right, but from what we get wrong.

Give your husband space to be himself without crowding him with your own agenda all the time. Sometimes, the things we fuss about as wives are really not as life-threatening as we make them out to be. Don’t let your anxieties over the future of your family propel you to grab the steering wheel from your husband. It makes sense that if two people are in a car; one needs to drive while the other trusts that the driver will get them to the destination on time and in one piece. If the person in the passenger seat keeps barking instructions or trying to grab the steering wheel, what should have been a pleasant drive could become a life-threatening experience. When you chose your husband, you chose to trust his driving. Give him the benefit of godly counsel if you spot hazards that he hasn’t spotted but then give him the latitude to drive. If you have genuine concerns about decisions your husband is making, hand them over to God, the ultimate Navigator who sees and knows all things. Pray that God will lead your husband aright and trust that ultimately God will take care of you. Lastly, if it becomes clear that your husband is making seriously reckless decisions that will endanger your family, then seek godly counsel.

Connecting with your wife

Mon, 13 Feb 2017 18:48:00 GMT

Do you consider your wife to be incredibly complex? Some men throw their hands up in despair and exclaim, ‘What does a woman really want?’ Women are unique and so are their needs. What you need most from your wife is not necessarily what she needs most from you. Consequently, if you express love to your wife in the way you want to receive love, her deepest needs will go unmet and you will experience frustration because it will feel like she’s not appreciative of what you’re giving. Her needs are different from yours, so your expressions of love need to be tailored to her desires, not your preferences.

If someone asks you for an umbrella to shield them from the rain and you give them sunglasses because you like sunglasses, regardless of how beautiful the sunglasses are they will go unappreciated because you have not met the stated need. So it is with your wife’s needs. One of the best investments you can make in your marriage is to study your wife and understand what makes her thrive. 1 Peter 3:7 puts it this way, ‘Husbands, in the same way live with your wives knowledgeably’ . Understanding your wife’s needs and making it a priority to meet them will pay tremendous dividends in your relationship.

One of the primary ways to get into your wife’s head and understand her thinking is to spend time talking to her. Women are mostly verbal creatures so they build connections and intimacy by talking. Your wife wants to be able to reveal herself to you. She wants to share her deepest thoughts with you and have you do the same with her. Quite simply, she wants to be your best friend. You cannot build intimacy with someone you only have meaningful conversations with occasionally. Scheduling time to talk to your wife about what’s on her heart communicates to her that she matters to you.

Spend time with your wife, not because you want something from her but because you care about her as a person. Don’t consistently ignore her in favour of work, recreation or your friends, and expect her to be at her best. Listen to her concerns, even if you’ve heard them a hundred times before. Most women are very verbal and sharing with their husbands helps them feel emotionally connected. Your wife needs emotional intimacy in order to be able to enjoy physical intimacy with you. Some men think that physical and emotional intimacy are synonymous, but in a woman’s mind they are two very distinct things and she needs both to be truly fulfilled. Show her that you care about her emotions and opinions.

Your wife might be one of those women who processes her concerns by talking. This means that sometimes she may appear to talk in circles rather than straight lines. For a man who is logical in approach and who wants to get to the crux of the matter so that he can solve the problem and move to the next one, this can be a frustrating experience if he does not understand what is going on in his wife’s mind. The truth is that most of the time when your wife is sharing with you, she is not looking to you to solve the problem, she just wants you to empathise and feel what she is feeling. In fact, she might get upset if you try to give her solutions rather than listening to her emotions. Resist the urge to leap into problem solving mode immediately otherwise your wife will be dissatisfied at the end of the conversation. In such situations, the simple fact that you have connected with her heart-to-heart is therapeutic in its own right, even if the problem has not been resolved. Have you ever had your wife talk I circles for half an hour and just when you begin to lose the will to live because the conversation seems pointless to you, she beams at you and says, ‘Thanks for listening. I feel so much better’ ? If so, you just offered her talk-therapy without even knowing it.

If you are a problem-solver by nature, this will make no sense to you but what does it matter? You may feel that the real issue is not resolved but for her at that point her emotions are the real issue. All that matters is that you have given your wife just what she needed in the moment. A listening ear, an empathetic heart and a shoulder to cry on when she needed it. On top of that you will win top marks for being an understanding husband and you will have a happier, more satisfied wife. When your wife needs a solution, she will most likely ask your opinion directly but by default listening to her emotions first counts most.

Secondly, your wife longs for open and honest communication with you. Women connect by talking and sharing their hearts. Your wife wants to be able to connect with you on a deep intimate level, to understand your thoughts and feelings, and to share life with you on every level. Communication is what connects your wife to your world. When you talk to your wife, she feels close to your heart and intimacy grows in your marriage. When you shut your wife out by withholding open and honest communication, intimacy is lost and she begins to feel more like a stranger than your best friend.

Men can sometimes feel overwhelmed by their wives’ insatiable need for discussion. However, it is a wise husband that recognises that talking and sharing meets a very deep need in his wife’s life for emotional connection, and commits to meeting that need. The more you talk to your wife, the more valuable she feels. She sees herself as your ally and is secure in the knowledge that you value her opinion.

Does he really love me?

Tue, 07 Feb 2017 19:30:00 GMT

My reflections for this week are centred around the indicators a woman should be looking for to assess whether a man really loves her or not. Why am I writing on this topic? Because I have recently received several messages from women who are being mistreated by a prospective husband…but he keeps claiming to love them. This apparent dissonance between the man’s words and actions seems to throw the woman into confusion and she finds herself wondering, ‘Should I trust his words or his actions?’ For anyone observing from the outside, the answer to this question is blindingly obvious but, for some reason, sometimes when women become emotionally involved with a man his words carry so much weight that she will ignore all other warning signals and believe what he says regardless of how he acts. Why is this so?

Women are generally more verbal than men and consequently we are very responsive to words. This God-given capacity means that a woman can blossom and become her very best in an atmosphere where the man in her life builds her up with affirming, loving words. A godly man will recognise this and will take pleasure in nurturing his wife verbally. However, this God-given dynamic can also make some women susceptible to unscrupulous men who operate under the mantra, ‘Tell her whatever she wants to hear and you will have your way with her’. Unfortunately, women fall for this time and time again, hence the apparent conundrum of ‘Should I trust his words or his actions?’

A savvy woman will be aware of this tendency and will realise that when you are assessing a potential husband, you cannot afford to take him only at his words. There are other sources of information which you must pay attention to in order to make wise choices. One of the most important of these is his actions. Matthew 7: 16-20 (TLB) makes it clear how we can identify and evaluate people accurately. ‘You can detect them by the way they act, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit. You need never confuse grapevines with thorn bushes or figs with thistles. Different kinds of fruit trees can quickly be identified by examining their fruit. A variety that produces delicious fruit never produces an inedible kind. And a tree producing an inedible kind can’t produce what is good. So the trees having the inedible fruit are chopped down and thrown on the fire. Yes, the way to identify a tree or a person is by the kind of fruit produced.’

That illustration makes it as clear as day for me. There can be no confusion between a mango tree and an orange tree; all you need to do is to look at the fruits. Merely listening to the words a person says to determine who they really are is like looking at the leaves of a tree and making assumptions based on that. There are some fruit trees which bear very similar leaves. Ultimately, the proof of the tree is in the fruit it produces. The same applies to love relationships. Actions are the fruits of a person’s character. They are a God-sanctioned detection mechanism for assessing a potential spouse. The proof of love is in actions, not in words. 1 John 3:8 (AMP) puts it this way. ‘Little children (believers, dear ones), let us not love [merely in theory] with word or with tongue [giving lip service to compassion], but in action and in truth [in practice and in sincerity, because practical acts of love are more than words].’ For me, that says it all.

If a man claims to love you, give him time to prove it consistently with his actions. Don’t leap upon every flowery word he speaks to make you feel like you are the only star in his universe. Give him a chance to show you what love means to him in practical terms. Does he treat you with honour both in public and in private? Does he respect your convictions about the sanctity of sex and is he seeking to preserve your virtue rather than pressing to satisfy his own urgent needs through you? Does he value your opinions and recognise that you can make a significant contribution to his decision making process or does he push his own agenda all the time regardless of whether it hurts you? Does he treat you with dignity even when he is upset with something you have done? Does he willingly prioritise your needs above his own? Does he seek your highest good above all else? God’s word is abundantly clear that a man’s responsibility is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for it. Jesus’ love for us went beyond mere words; He was willing to stake His very life to demonstrate His love for us. If the man in your life is currently struggling to give up the tiniest bit of his comfort and convenience for your benefit; if he cannot sacrifice the smallest of things to ensure your wellbeing; what will He do when he is called upon to give up something bigger to protect you?

A man does not need to be perfect to be a great husband but he does need to be able to treat a woman with genuine kindness. Real men take their love beyond words and demonstrate it consistently with loving actions over time. There will be plenty of time after you’re married to make yourself vulnerable to his words but until you cross that threshold, believe his actions first, not his words.

Let me know what you think. Leave me a message on Facebook or Twitter .

Does spiritual compatibility matter?

Tue, 31 Jan 2017 18:49:00 GMT

Does it matter if I and the person I am thinking about marrying have different views when it comes to the role God plays in our lives? If we get on well in all other areas and agree to respect each other’s differences when it comes to spirituality can a relationship not work under those circumstances? What if the person I want to marry believes in God but is less concerned about spiritual things than I am, can I not influence them positively later on in marriage? These are some of the questions people find themselves grappling with as they approach the crucial decision of who to marry. In the last few days I have had a number of messages and emails asking questions relating to spiritual compatibility so I thought I would write a blog post addressing this issue.

First things first
It all depends on how much your relationship with God means to you. If your life is centred around God, as it should be, contemplating marrying someone whose life is centred elsewhere presents unique problems which you would not have had otherwise. Couples sometimes downplay the importance of spiritual compatibility in their relationship because during the initial stages of the relationship they seem to have so much else in common that they minimise the importance of this fundamental area. There is a tendency to think that because you like each other, have fun together and agree on a lot of things, your spiritual differences can be worked out as you go along. However, there are a number of reasons why this approach does not work.

Storing up conflict
Harmonious marriages are usually a union between two people who have shared values. Your values determine how you view life, what is important to you in life, and consequently the decisions you make about your life. If God is central to your life then your values will emanate from your relationship with Him. To attempt to share your life with someone whose core values emanate from elsewhere and whose decisions will be driven by a different agenda is to store up conflict for later years. There are many potential areas of conflict when you marry someone who does not believe what you believe: Where will you get married? What happens regarding worship after you marry? In what faith will your children be raised? What happens if you want to get involved in your Church or give to godly causes and he or she disagrees? There is so much potential for conflict in the future. It has been my observation over the years that people who claim to be fairly relaxed about these issues before marriage suddenly become more militant about their views once the adjustment period of marriage gets underway and especially when children enter the picture.

Betraying you
In order for you to live in some semblance of peace in an arrangement where there is spiritual incompatibility, either one of you is going to have to betray your core values in an attempt to achieve compromise. Have you considered what you will have to give up in order to live peacefully with this person? If you are passionate about your relationship with God and you marry someone who is lukewarm about their relationship with God, or indeed has no relationship with God to speak of, then you will have to tone down your passion in order to accommodate their indifference. Rarely does the compromise happen in the opposite direction. If someone is on a ladder heading upwards, it is always easier for someone lower down to pull them down than for them to pull that person up. So it is with trying to go on a spiritual rescue mission in order to be able to marry someone. If you are trying to influence someone positively for Christ it should not be with the ultimate agenda of marrying them. If that happens naturally then it is an added bonus but it should not be the reason why you pursue someone for Christ. On the other hand, if the person you are contemplating getting married to is less spiritual than you are but they are pursuing a deeper relationship with God of their own volition, then it is safe to assume that they are not being swayed by the prospect of marrying you. If you have to beg, cajole, convince and persuade this person to get involved with spiritual matters, then you have your work cut out for you if you decide to get married to them because as soon as the motivating factor, their desire to marry you, is removed, they will revert back to status quo.

Life happens
When the challenges of life hit, as they always do, who will be by your side? You want your closest confidant to be someone who has confidence in, and a solid relationship with, God. Someone who can offer you godly advice and encouragement. Someone who can stand with you spiritually and pray with you when your world seems to be caving in. Clearly you will not get that sort of support from someone who has a dubious relationship with God. This also applies when you marry someone who claims a knowledge of God but has a shallow relationship with God and does not desire anything beyond that. The issue of whom to marry goes beyond whether that person professes Christ or not. The biblical admonition, ‘You will know them by their fruits’ comes to mind. Many Christians do not realise that when they choose to marry an immature Christian who is not interested in growing in faith, they will experience many of the same relationship difficulties they would have experienced with someone who has no relationship with God at all. Virtues like forgiveness, patience, kindness and humility do not come naturally to most of us. They have to be worked into us through a living, breathing, growing relationship with God.

Trusting the God in you
I don’t know about you but, I would never trust my heart into the hands of a man whose heart is not secure in God. Human nature is too fickle to depend totally on who someone says they will be to you 20 years down the line if they don’t have the help of God. People change but when the word of God is a permanent anchor in their lives, you know for a certainty that any changes will be for the better. The reason I trust my husband so implicitly is because I trust the God inside of him. I trust that he lives his life constantly under the influence of God and therefore will always seek my best interests. Similarly that is the reason why he trusts me to seek good for him at all times. The vows I made when I married him cannot be kept in my own power; only in God’s power. If I am tempted to be less than kind, loving, respectful, loyal or whatever other virtue is required to create a happy home environment, the Spirit of God within me is quick to call me to order. My husband can rely on that. As long as a person is God-ruled, you can trust that they will seek your best interests; if they are self-ruled, you do not have any such assurances and you are basically at the mercy of their whims. I can’t think of anything more risky than that. Are you prepared to take that chance?

Taking God’s eye view
From God’s perspective, spiritual compatibility is the most fundamental factor in choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with. In advising widows who were considering remarriage in 1 Corinthians 7:39, the Apostle Paul’s singular instruction was this. ‘…She is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord.’ As soon as we begin to view our relationships from God’s perspective, our choices become clearer. I have learnt that when you honour God in your decision making, He will honour you with good outcomes. If you want God’s blessing on your marriage you won’t get it by consciously marrying someone in whose life God is not a priority. If you are already into such a marriage, God will work with what you have and His grace will cover you. If are still at the decision making stage, you have the distinct advantage of shaping the future today by the decision you make. Marry someone who matches your passion for God. I can assure you that you will never regret doing it God’s way.

What to do with a rocky relationship 2

Tue, 24 Jan 2017 18:51:00 GMT

Do you and your fiancé or fiancée feel like you face an uphill task in trying to understand each other? Does your relationship seem to be unravelling irreparably due to constant conflict and arguments? Last week I began sharing on ‘What to do with a rocky relationship 1’ . This is the concluding part of that discussion.

Assess any warning signals

It may be that you agree on many of the fundamentals of life but your fiancé or fiancée has significant, unresolved character flaws. Issues like physical, emotional or verbal abuse, unfaithfulness or infidelity, criminal behaviour, addictions to pornography, drugs or alcohol for instance, will not go away simply because you share a common purpose in life. A bright future and a gifted life can be ruined by a deeply flawed character. This has been the downfall of many a public figure. They possessed charisma and vision but did not have the character to back it up.

Are there warning signals that worry you in your potential spouse? I’m not talking about trivial things like untidiness, habitual lateness, talking too much or too little, or mannerisms that irritate you on occasion. While such habits can be annoying, the reality is that you are not flawless yourself and the happiest marriages are ones where the couple has learnt to see beyond the minor faults and embrace and celebrate the strengths of the other person. Minor weaknesses are not warning signals. They are simply a sign that you are marrying a human being – not an angel!

So what exactly are warning signals? These are big red flags that indicate to you that marrying this person could result in serious physical, emotional or spiritual damage to you. Warning signals are an indicator that to proceed would be folly. It baffles me that often when I counsel spouses who are suffering abuse in a marriage, they admit that the signs of their spouse’s violent behaviour were evident before they got married. Similarly, behaviour like compulsive jealousy, obsessively controlling tendencies, and inability to stay faithful to a relationship are things that people sometimes overlook in the hopes that marriage will make things better.

The reality is that any negative traits you observe in someone whom you only see from time to time are probably only a tip of the iceberg. If you can see the signs during courtship, a season when you don’t see each other all the time and couples try to impress each other, picture what will happen in marriage when the incentive to impress has been removed and you settle down to the business of actually living together day-in, day-out.

Assess your ability to adapt

Sometimes, a couple will do battle constantly about superficial issues which really should not impact on the core of the relationship. Every difference in the relationship becomes a major event because neither party is willing to adjust their agenda for the good of the relationship. If you are constantly bickering about minor things, it probably means that you are focusing on trivialities in your relationship, rather than what really counts. The answer to this is to lift your sights higher and remind yourselves what your relationship is about in the first place.

Life is an exercise in adaptation. We humans have survived as a species because we have learnt how to adapt to our environment. No matter how much you love summer wear, if you travel to Alaska for a holiday and experience sub-zero temperatures you immediately adapt your clothing to take account of the new realities of your environment. So it is with relationships.

A good courtship is a season of adaptation that prepares you for the new reality of marriage. It’s a period during which you have the opportunity to transition from a ‘me’ mindset to a ‘we’ mindset. The difficulty arises when couples want the intimacy of a relationship without the adaptation required to achieve it.

If every difference in opinion in a relationship is seen as a battle for turf, a statement of your individuality or an opportunity to push your own agenda, a harmonious marriage will remain just a pipe dream. What matters most to you: your agenda or your relationship? Honestly ask yourself, are we trying to transition into marriage while maintaining a single mindset? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the single mindset but you can’t simultaneously hold on to it while hoping to create a mutually satisfying relationship which will ease you into marriage. If you’re too individualistic to adapt, singleness might be the better option for you.

Assess your communication styles

One of the ways to trace the source of continuous conflict in a relationship is to audit your communication styles because very often the issue is not what is being said but how it is said. One of the key learning points in any relationship is discovering how best to communicate with your partner so that they not only hear your words, but they hear your heart. This is a learned skill; it does not come naturally to any of us.

There is a huge difference between speaking for effect and speaking for effectiveness. Speaking for effect simply means that you say whatever is on your mind regardless of how it comes across; when you speak for effectiveness you frame your words in a manner that is most likely to bring clarity to the issue at hand and progress the relationship in the direction of your preferred future. How do you and your partner communicate, especially in conflict situations? Do you merely hurl out your words as they come, not minding the damage done or are you disciplined in how you express yourselves even when you are upset?

On the other hand, is there a deficit of meaningful communication in your relationship? Sometimes, the difficulties in a relationship stem not just from speaking the wrong words but also not speaking enough of the right words. Words are vehicles that can create intimacy and understanding in a relationship when used appropriately. Do you and your partner take time to build each other up with words of encouragement, affirmation and appreciation? The right words are crucial in creating a climate of acceptance, love and mutual respect in a relationship.

Which of these pointers is most relevant to your relationship?

What to do with a rocky relationship 1

Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:34:00 GMT

So you’ve found the love of your life…or so you thought. It all seemed absolutely perfect in the beginning. You were head over heels in love; you couldn’t survive a day without seeing each other or speaking to each other; you could talk to each other for hours on nothing and everything. It was all beautiful…until the conflict began.

Do you and your proposed spouse frequently have major disagreements which lead you down the path to nowhere? Does every interaction with your fiancé or fiancée inevitably dissolve into an argument of some sort? It is normal in an authentic relationship to have differences in opinion; that’s one of the ways in which relationships grow and both parties get to understand each other better. However, relentless conflict in a relationship can be draining. It can make you doubt the very foundations of the relationship and whether or not you are really meant for each other. It can stop all progress and make you feel like you’re in a vicious cycle going nowhere. If that’s how you feel right now it may be that you need to stop, take a deep breath, and try to understand what’s really happening between the two of you.

Marriage is meant to be a pleasure, not a pain. If a relationship is rocky, marriage will not cure that malady so don’t be tempted to think that all your problems will disappear once you say ‘I do’ . If anything, they will only intensify with the pressures of marriage. Just like pain in your body warns you that something is not quite right, pain in a relationship is an indicator and you need to stop and ask yourself what exactly the pain is indicating. So what can you do if pain has become a daily reality of your relationship?

Assess the weight of your differences
The first thing to assess is how significant your differences are. How serious are the triggers for your conflict? Are they significant things that border on what you believe about God and His involvement in your life; your life pursuits and what you believe you are on earth to accomplish; where and how you believe you should spend the rest of your life; or the moral lifestyle your partner chooses and espouses. These are all significant issues that will determine the course and quality of your life and if you and your proposed spouse disagree on these fundamentals, it should be cause for concern.

You are probably familiar with the illustration that if you want to fill up a container to capacity with rocks and sand, the large rocks which are the most significant must go in first, the little rocks and pebbles can go in next to fill the spaces between the large rocks, and lastly the sand can go in to fill whatever space is left. That’s the only way you can get it all in. If you start with the sand or the little rocks, you will never get the big, significant, important rocks in. So it is with marriage. When you take care of the fundamentals, the smaller issues will fall into place more easily.

What are the big, significant rocks in your life which are non-negotiable to you? Your relationship with God? Your vision for your life? Your integrity? If the relationship you are in is threatening any of these significant issues, then it is safe to say that it is probably not meant to be. If you proceed, you will have signed up for a lifetime of perpetual conflict because you will either have to let go of what matters most to you to keep the relationship or you will constantly be at loggerheads with your partner.

To illustrate this important point with my life, I could never have thrived in a marriage with a man who was not passionate about God because passion for God is so central to who I am. Similarly, I could never have been happily married to a man who did not support the call of God on my life, no matter how hard I tried. I knew I was meant to speak and help people from my teen years and that was one of the things that drew me to my husband; he is the same sort of person who is passionate about speaking and helping people. I support him and he supports me in what we believe God has called us to accomplish. I owe him a debt of gratitude for how supportive he has been over the years. You can compromise on the colour of carpet in your home or the brand of car you choose to buy because those are not earth-shattering issues. When you have to compromise on your core purpose, principles and values, no matter how much effort you put into making the relationship work, there will always be a lingering sense of dissatisfaction because the relationship betrays the essence of who you are.

Marriage difficulties always arise when people don’t take fundamental issues into consideration before they marry. They major on how much they love each other rather than what they can accomplish together. They push aside their convictions for the feelings and convenience of the moment and then they want to fix the problem after they are married. The time to fix the issue is before marriage because once you marry someone a higher law takes over that supersedes your happiness. That law is covenant and at that point you are committed to keeping your vows and making it work even if you realise that there might have been flaws in the way you chose your spouse. God will bless your commitment to a difficult marriage and help you navigate the situation and find resolution but how much better it is to make a careful decision from the start.

Are you and your fiancé or fiancée experiencing conflict on fundamental issues? If so, think twice.

The myth of male unfaithfulness

Tue, 10 Jan 2017 22:05:00 GMT

There is an insidious myth that is being perpetuated with greater urgency than ever in our generation. It is a myth that has taken root in the consciousness of our society and is systematically harming relationships and marriages. The subject of my concern is the myth that it is simply natural for men to be unfaithful. I bristle whenever I hear, see or read something in the media that seeks to promote this mindset. I am by no means suggesting that infidelity is limited to men; both men and women can and sometimes will be unfaithful. Indeed, there has undoubtedly been a rise in infidelity on both sides within the last two decades. However, there seem to be concerted attempts to normalise infidelity in men in particular and that’s the situation I am seeking to address in this article.

There’s a societal expectation that women should be faithful in relationships but it appears that same expectation is not always placed on men. Somewhere along the line, even in the Christian community, we have bought into the myth that infidelity is normal in males. Wives are encouraged to tolerate unfaithfulness in their husbands as long as their physical needs are being met by their husbands. This is a dangerous myth that makes faithful men feel like a minority and encourages otherwise good men to cultivate loose morals because the world tells them ‘That’s just how men are’ . I feel the need to highlight that, ‘That’s not just how men are’ . There are faithful men out there who live by high moral standards. I can testify to that.

I am eternally grateful for the fact that my husband has stayed faithful to me for 21 years of marriage. Prior to marriage he demonstrated that same level of fidelity throughout our 7 year courtship. I do not take this for granted. My husband was taught by his father before him that the measure of a man is that he can be faithful to one wife for life. My father-in-law recently passed away having been married and faithful to one wife for 67 years. What an example!

My husband grew up assuming that men should be faithful to their wives and I have seen him make conscious choices to honour that heritage. I have watched him deliberately place boundaries around himself to protect that heritage of faithfulness. Because of that I trust him implicitly and value him highly. I know this is not the norm but I wish it was. What if faithful men were the new normal? What if we could raise our daughters knowing that when we give them into the hands of a man who pledges to love them faithfully, he really will? What if we could encourage generational faithfulness?

To every man reading this, why not make it one of your goals to consciously begin a cycle of generational faithfulness in your family, even if you did not have good examples growing up. It may be that you have made mistakes in your past but that does not preclude you from making changes going forward and leaving a legacy of fidelity for your children. If you have sons, teach them the virtues of faithfulness and lead them by example. If you have daughters, train them to expect faithfulness as the norm rather than settling for someone who will break their heart and trust. Let them know that it’s a blessing to be rejected by a man because they refuse to lower their standards to gratify premature sexual desires before he places a wedding ring on their finger. Raise them to confidently protect their purity for a man who is worthy of such a precious prize rather than bowing to pressure hoping to win love by compromise. Trust God to help you raise faithful children.

To every faithful man out there, I salute your courage. Keep the flag flying as a testimony that it is possible to be a faithful man in a degenerate world. To every wife blessed with a faithful man, don’t take your husband’s faithfulness for granted. Appreciate his commitment; enjoy and celebrate the privilege of being the sole focus of his desire; keep your sex life fresh. To every woman seeking God for a husband, trust God for a faithful one who upholds biblical standards. Don’t assume that you have to settle for less.

Lastly, if you are reading this and your marriage has been tainted by unfaithfulness, God can bring restoration to your home if there is heartfelt repentance and forgiveness. If you have given room to infidelity in your life, challenge yourself to a higher standard. You are more than your sex drive. You are bigger than your emotions. You can be a faithful spouse going forwards if you accept God’s grace to help you live differently. Similarly, if you have been on the receiving end of infidelity and your spouse has asked for your forgiveness, let God work in your heart and give you the grace to forgive and trust again. Out of the ashes of hurt and pain, God can restore your marriage and give you a testimony that will inspire others.

21 years married and still in love

Wed, 04 Jan 2017 01:30:00 GMT

I can still vividly remember the buzz and excitement I felt this time twenty-one years ago. My heart was singing and doing back-flips as I anticipated my much-dreamt-about wedding day, just 48 hours away. In my mind it had been a long time coming. This was to be the much-awaited culmination of a seven-year courtship (I know that sounds like a very loooong time by today’s standards!) 6th of January 1996 is forever etched in my mind but unsurprisingly the day floated by as if I was in a daze. I was walking on cloud nine as I glided down the aisle to the tune of ‘Mendelssohn’s Wedding March’ and the rest, as they say, is history.

As I reflect back, it’s hard to believe that when I met my husband at 18 I was so convinced that I had found the love of my life. When I look at my 18 year old daughter now I am incredulous at how confident I was that this was a relationship ordained by God. It surprises me even more that my faithful fiancé was willing to wait seven years for me to complete my first and second degrees before saying ‘I do’! Well, thank God that the years have proved us right in our choice to love each other for life. It has been a journey marked by God’s faithfulness. 21 years down the line and still very much in love, I would like to distil a few lessons I have learnt about lasting love in the hopes that they will inspire you to reach for the kind of marriage God has in mind for you.

Start with God
Every marriage is filled with twists and turns, challenges and triumphs. Ours is by no means the exception but one scripture that has meant so much to me in my marriage is 1 John 5:4. ‘For whatever is born of God overcomes the world…’ Marriage was designed to work with God at its centre. He is the one that has the capacity to hold it together. When your marriage has its roots in God, the storms of life will not derail you. When we take God out of the equation, we lose the very essence of what makes marriage doable. The core of your marriage is meant to be God – not religion, not opinions, not rhetoric – but a living, breathing relationship with God that is shared by both parties. This is what makes marriage work. The reason this works is that two people who are submitted to the God of love cannot but love sacrificially. Sometimes couples start off this way but down the line they lose their bearing and the cracks begin to show. The reason why I can trust my heart completely into the hands of my husband is because I know that he listens to God. He doesn’t just talk the ‘Christian talk’. When push comes to shove, his heart is genuinely devoted to God and out of that overflow he can love me unconditionally and sacrificially. When your marriage is born of God and remains centred on God, loving each other selflessly becomes so much easier.

Refuse to settle
Marriage is always a work in progress. The moment your relationship stops growing, it starts dying imperceptibly. Marriage is not a project you complete on your wedding day so that you can move on to other things. It’s a lifelong commitment to learning, discovery and building together. I can honestly say that after so many years with my husband, I am still learning new things about him, I am continually growing in my understanding of him and our marriage keeps getting better and better. We are constantly opening up our minds to new ways of enriching our relationship and deepening our love for each other. Daily we strive to understand each other better; we learn from every conflict and use it as a stepping stone to another level of intimacy; we continually extend grace to each other and we are committed to being the best for each other. If you feel like your marriage is growing stale, breathe new life into it by learning new ways to please each other and committing to being best friends. You can only get out of your marriage what you are prepared to put into it.

Don’t let anything or anyone come between you
You and your spouse are designed to work as a team. Ecclesiastes 4:9 puts it this way ‘Two are better than one because a good return comes when two work together.’ In other words, two are only better than one when they have learnt to work together. If a husband and wife are constantly paddling in opposite directions, they will get nowhere fast. One of the most important lessons my husband and I have learnt is to face life as a team. There will be many things that seek to divide you but you will need a rock-solid commitment to work with each other and never against each other. The essence of marriage is that you stand shoulder-to-shoulder to challenge anything that threatens your unity. It should always be you and your spouse against the challenge, not you and your spouse against each other because of the challenge. If you waste your energy fighting each other you will make no progress. If you stand together and bring your joint resources, wisdom and energy to bear on every difficulty you face in your home, your marriage will be the stronger for it.

My prayer for you today is that God will multiply to you the joy that I have found in marriage. Marriage is so worth it if you do it God’s way. If your home is hurting at the moment, I pray that God will step in and bring healing to your marriage as you and your spouse commit to doing marriage God’s way.

How assumptions can improve your marriage

Tue, 13 Dec 2016 21:59:00 GMT

When your spouse upsets you, what goes on in your mind at that moment? When the love of your life says or does something that hurts you, where does your mind go in the next few minutes? The answer to these questions may be a major secret to your level of satisfaction in your marriage. Research has proven that one of the distinctive traits of happy couples is that, when hurt by their spouse, both individuals instinctively believe the best of their spouse rather than the worst. Conversely couples who instinctively believe the worst when their spouse hurts them tend to have turbulent marriages.

If every time your spouse hurts you, you believe that they have done it intentionally to hurt you, you will find it difficult to trust your spouse and be happy in your marriage. It takes a huge weight off the relationship when you start off from the basis that your spouse loves you and has your best interests at heart. They may not always get things right in relation to you but if you believe that their intentions towards you are noble, regardless of the outcome, it takes unnecessary pressure off your spouse. Rather than constantly trying to prove their love, they can simply focus on loving you. When you start off thinking that way, the business of loving you becomes so much easier.

Assumptions are generally considered to be negative but this is one positive assumption that will change your outlook in your marriage and consequently improve your experience in marriage. To assume something is to accept it as true without proof. If you start off believing that your spouse loves you and has your best interests at heart before they have the opportunity to prove it, it will radically transform your view of your marriage. It can be exhausting to constantly have to prove your love to your spouse before they will believe it. People who succeed at marriage believe the love before it is proven. 1 Corinthians‬ 13:7‬ ‬‬ puts it this way:‬‬‬

‘Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].’
‬‬‬‬
Believing the best about your spouse keeps your heart alive with hope, even when your relationship goes through trying times. You will notice three definite benefits when you habitually make positive assumptions about your spouse:

Resolve conflict quicker
Conflict is easier to resolve when you start off on the same team. A harmonious marriage depends on the perspective that it is you and your spouse against your problems rather than you against your spouse. Entering into conflict situations with a positive assumption at the back of your mind will temper your reaction to your spouse’s actions. If you are communicating hurt feelings with your spouse and you start off with, ‘I know you love me and probably didn’t mean to hurt me but… ’ it changes the dynamic of the conflict from a negative blame-game to a positive learning opportunity that can be resolved through constructive dialogue. It diffuses the need for your spouse to be defensive because they start off knowing that you will give them the benefit of the doubt in every situation.

Increase your feeling of wellbeing
Your feeling of wellbeing in your marriage increases when you start off with positive assumptions. Negativity sucks the joy out of a marriage, makes your spouse less attractive to you, and you less attractive to your spouse. It erects barriers between you which hinder intimacy and the free flow of communication. When you view your spouse positively, your marriage will feel more pleasant, even if your circumstances have not changed substantially. It’s all back to the glass-half-full theory. What you expect is what you experience. If you’re constantly negative about your spouse, you are unlikely to feel positive about your marriage. When you choose to take control of the narrative running in your mind regarding your spouse, refusing to dwell on negative thoughts, your marriage begins to change for the better.

Be thankful
A positive mindset will help you switch from being a hard-to-please critic to a grateful spouse. When you assume that your spouse means well, you are more likely to notice the effort, no matter how imperfect, that they put into trying to please you. If your husband works late at the office and rather than complaining constantly that he is not there for you, you try to view his effort as evidence of his desire to take care of you, it makes it easier to be thankful for his work ethic while communicating your needs positively. Philippians 4:8 offers sound counsel: ‘Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.’ Appreciating your spouse’s effort and finding things to praise comes naturally when you focus on the positives about them.

Why choosing the right partner is not enough

Mon, 05 Dec 2016 21:13:00 GMT

When I was a child, I absolutely adored fairytales. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White were my heroines, in that order. I loved their stories of courage, their triumphs over injustice and most importantly, the fact that they were eventually swept off their feet and carried away by some handsome prince. The part I never liked about these stories was the inevitable ending – ‘So they lived happily ever after…The End’ . I always felt it was most unfair to end the story at that point because I could sense instinctively that that was actually just the beginning. So it is with marriage. The real drama begins when the Prince and Princess get married and begin to live together. When the suit and the gown have been put away, then the business of making love last forever begins. Then the realisation dawns… ‘happily ever afters’ are hard work! They don’t just happen. Someone has to make them happen.

Undoubtedly, you know a couple whose ‘happily ever after’ has become ‘once upon a time’ . The dream has metamorphosed into a nightmare. It might be you; it might have been your parents or perhaps your sibling, a close friend or a colleague at work. Heartbreak and shattered dreams surround us every day. All sorts of people find themselves in the valley of lost love and my heart goes out to them. My concern is much less for those who view love as a perishable commodity and therefore do not see the need to put forth an effort to preserve it. The following quote is credited to the much married movie star Zsa Zsa Gabor. ‘People don’t understand that love comes and love goes. And when love goes, it is better to separate and remain friends than to stay together and become enemies’ . Little wonder she had been married nine times at the last count! Your perspective of love will inevitably colour your experience of love. However, my heart bleeds for those who genuinely expected love to last forever, who said ‘I do’ and really meant it, who desired to keep their love alive but didn’t know how.

Contrary to the experiences that many have had, the Bible declares that ‘Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]’ (1 Corinthians 13:8) and ‘Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it’ (Song of Solomon 8:7). So why is there a discrepancy between God’s plan and our experience? Because everything God says we can have is conditional upon us doing what He says we need to do to have it. We can have the forever kind of love only if we do what we need to do to have it. The challenge is that many of us don’t know what we need to do to experience the kind of love that God wants us to have.

The truth is that love in a relationship is cause and effect; it comes and goes only when we don’t know what to do to make it stay. It takes more than choosing the right partner to secure a happy marriage. You must also be prepared to make the right choices in your marriage if you want it to work. There is a price to pay to make love stay. Happy marriages are never accidental. I have never met a happily married couple who said ‘We never expected our marriage to work out! This all happened by chance…’ Every happily married couple I know can tell you about the price they paid and the choices they had to make. You can have a great marriage…if you are prepared to pay the price.

The price of a great marriage is growth. Jesus put it bluntly in Matthew‬ ‭19:11-12‬ ‭[MSG]‬‬ when He said, ‘ Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone…But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.’ Navigating our way successfully through married life takes skill. It requires us growing out of the single mindset and into the marriage mindset. Our ability to grow in the attitude and aptitude required to make marriage work will determine how successful we will be at it. Sometimes, growth can be painful because it requires us to take full responsibility for our actions rather than being able to blame someone else. It challenges us to be selfless when we would rather not be. It calls us to summon our highest levels of creativity and bring them to bear on our marriage when we would prefer to coast along and accept whatever comes our way. In what areas of your life have you been resisting growth? What one thing could you change today that will transform the atmosphere of your marriage? When we choose growth, we experience a new level of freedom to determine the outcomes of our marriage and we rise to the occasion with all our strengths and abilities. If you have chosen to say ‘I do’ , you owe yourself no less than that. ‭‭

Why Christian Marriages Fail

Sun, 27 Nov 2016 20:05:00 GMT

Marriage was designed by God to be a lasting, fulfilling union between two individuals totally committed to Him and to each other. God loves marriage, He created it and He celebrates it at every opportunity in scripture. One of the most profound scriptures about marriage, in my view, is Ephesians 5:31-32. Paul the Apostle, quoting Genesis 2:24, makes an astonishing assertion. ‘As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one’ . This absolutely blows my mind! The relationship between Christ and the Church is the culmination of God’s Masterplan for man; it is God’s finest work hatched in Genesis and revealed in Jesus. To think that God would see fit to use something as human as a marriage between a man and a woman to illustrate such a majestic divine concept amazes me.

An illustration is an example that clarifies or makes a concept easier to understand. Every time a Christian man and woman stand at the altar and say ‘I do’ , instantly they are supposed to become a walking message system, a giant reflection of how Christ loves us and how we respond to Him in love. Our marriages are supposed to make it is easier for a dying world to comprehend the profound love of Christ reflected in His sacrifice for the Church and our heartfelt response to Him. I find myself asking, ‘What am I reflecting? Am I accurately reflecting the selfless, patient, unconditional love of Christ in my marriage?’ That’s a question every Christian husband and wife should consider every now and then. ‘When the world looks at my marriage, what impression do they get about Christ and His Church?’ Many times, in the midst of the ordinariness of living with one’s spouse day in day out; in the midst of raising kids, paying bills and juggling various life responsibilities, we forget just how spiritual marriage is in God’s eyes.

It really touches my heart when I speak to Christian couples who are struggling in their marriages. The Church seems to have become less and less immune to the same marital struggles faced by couples who profess no faith at all. This troubles me. Should it not be a given that if we serve the God who dreamed up the idea of marriage in the first place, we should be able to understand His formula for making it work? Should Christian marriages not be successful by default? If only it were that simple. It has become apparent to me that a Christian marriage is not necessarily one where both parties profess Christianity and say their vows before a priest or pastor. A Christian marriage is one where both parties are committed to practising God’s principles for marriage, and that’s where the rubber meets the road. In some Christian marriages there seems to be a wide disconnect, a chasm between what we know and what we do. We know all the right scriptures and can quote them at the drop of a hat but we are often totally unprepared to live them out when the going gets tough. It seems we want to get the results God promised without doing what God commanded.

Jesus made it quite clear in Matthew 7:24-26 that the marriages that survive the inevitable storms of life are those where the parties involved are prepared not only to hear what He has to say but more importantly to do it. The disconnect has always been in the doing. It is of no consequence what we know if we are unprepared to do it. So why is doing so difficult for us? Why do we love to trumpet what God says our spouse should do and skip over what God says we should be doing? In a spirited exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees in Matthew 19:3-8, He exposed the reason why doing can be so hard.

Pharisees: Is it ever lawful for a man to divorce his wife?

Jesus: Haven’t you read that in the beginning God created humanity male and female? Don’t you remember what the story of our creation tells us about marriage? “For this reason, a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” If a husband and wife are one flesh, how can they divorce? Divorce would be a bloody amputation, would it not? “What God has brought together, let no man separate.”

Pharisees: Why did Moses explain that if a man leaves his wife, then he must give her a certificate of divorce and send her away, free and clear of him?

Jesus: Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But divorce was an innovation, an accommodation to a fallen world. There was no divorce at creation.

This exchange says it all. Divorce was never in God’s original plan for man. When couples divorce, they advance all sorts of reasons why their marriage is no longer tenable – irreconcilable differences, money problems, sexual problems, abuse, neglect, in-law interference; the list goes on and on. However, when all is said and done, divorce boils down to one thing – hardness of heart of either one or both parties. Hardness of heart is a condition which Christians sometimes unknowingly develop. When our hearts become cold, insensitive, unfeeling, and unyielding to God’s word and the promptings of the Holy Spirit, we run our marriages on the basis of our fallen human nature and the inevitable result is disaster. It is not storms that destroy marriages, it is our unwillingness to yield to what God wants us to do in the midst of the storm because it is inconvenient, requires humility, demands sacrifice or is downright difficult, that inevitably leads to the unravelling of a Christian marriage.

Marriage is not easy; it has never been. Anyone who tells you otherwise is being plain dishonest. Regardless of how wonderful you and your spouse are, marriage requires an ongoing willingness to sacrifice for the benefit of the other person, even when it is inconvenient. Often it means taking your eyes off your own legitimate needs to shine the spotlight on the needs of your spouse and meet them. Sometimes, it demands uncommon humility when you have to serve your spouse like Christ served His disciples and washed their feet. Time and again it requires a heartfelt devotion that makes you see the good in your spouse even when they and the world want to focus on their shortcomings. Always, it requires a forgiving heart to overlook the inevitable faults of your spouse and still respect and celebrate them wholeheartedly. All of this requires a sensitive, generous heart which can only come from hearing and following the promptings of God. What is God asking you to do in your marriage today? Whatever it is, do not harden your heart. The rewards of a true Christian marriage are well worth the investment.

For Husbands Only: How to have a more sexual wife

Tue, 22 Nov 2016 19:53:00 GMT

Research has shown that 80% of men are more sexual than their wives. There are of course some women who have a stronger sex drive than their husbands and invariably counsellors tend to find that where this is the case, she is most likely to be an extrovert and he an introvert. If your wife is the one frequently chasing you for sex, you should get on your knees and sing ‘Hallelujah’ that God has blessed you that way. 80% of your brothers would happily swap places with you!

Today I want to focus on that 80%. Perhaps you got married with all sorts of dreams and expectations about the sizzling sex life you and the beloved wife of your youth would share and now, five years into marriage, your dreams are slowly fading away. If so, read on. Satisfying sex is crucial to the happiness of any marriage so today I want to give you a peek into what’s really going on with your wife.

Before we get into the detail, consider the fact that while the disparity in husband-wife sexual desires may seem like a recipe for disaster, in God’s infinite wisdom it is actually an invitation to a higher way of living that is less self-centred and more sacrificial. In God’s plan, you get more of what you want not by demanding it from your spouse but by giving your spouse more of what they want. God’s concept of love is absolute genius! Hold that thought in your mind as we explore the areas in which an awesome husband gives to his wife.

Recognition
Your wife will respond best when you give recognition to her uniqueness and celebrate it. 1 Peter 3:7 says something very insightful to husbands. ‘…you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation]’ . The King James Version puts it this way, ‘… dwell with your wives according to knowledge…’ There are things you need to know about your wife that will make you a successful husband to her. God expects you to know and understand your wife thoroughly. Some men simply throw their hands in the air and say, ‘I don’t understand women’ but successful husbands see their wives as a fascinating, intriguing personality whom they really want to study and understand.

One of the things you are likely to discover when you study your wife is that what sex means to a woman is very different from what sex means to a man. Men are driven to seek sexual fulfilment primarily in response to a biological urge. Women experience sexual desire on a more emotional level. It is a savvy husband that understands that the impetus for his wife to desire sex with him is less physical and more emotional. A man’s sex drive is similar to hunger for food; it is constant, relentless and does not depend much on happenings around him. For most women, their sex drive is more latent; smouldering under the surface, and it takes a knowledgeable husband to know how to tap into those hidden desires in his wife.

Because a woman’s sex drive is not often hunger-driven, it can easily fall towards the bottom of her priority list unless she is inspired by an attentive husband. When a man pays attention to his wife, it puts her in touch with her sexual self and reminds her how important intimacy with her husband really is. A little attention from you can plant a longing for sex in your wife’s mind where she was not previously thinking about it. It amazes me that a husband can pay little attention to his wife all day long, neglect to tune in to her emotional needs when he comes home in the evening and expect her to be on fire at night. If you treat your wife that way consistently, all you will experience is wet wood…a little fizzle and definitely no fire!

Reconnection
Your wife is an emotional being and she needs you to connect with her emotionally every single day. When women connect with their husbands emotionally, they begin to feel more sexual. Emotional connections are not self sustaining. There needs to be an established rhythm for reconnecting with your wife daily. When you get home from work and your wife wants to know about your day and how you’re feeling, she is not trying to be nosy or to interrogate you. She is trying to reconnect with you. When she tries to share her feelings and frustrations with you at the end of the day, she is usually not looking to you for solutions; she is simply trying to reconnect with you. She wants you to see into her and she wants to see into you. That’s what intimacy means.

A husband who does not understand this will immediately go into problem solving mode and try to sort out her issues quickly so he can move on to other things. Your wife doesn’t need your answers; she needs your attention. She needs your ear, your empathy, your encouragement, not necessarily answers. This can be hard for many men because they are naturally problem solvers. Very often, all your wife needs is to feel heard and she instantly feels better, more alive emotionally and more interested sexually. A wise husband will not view his wife’s emotions as a nuisance; he will value them as a gift from God to add richness to his life.

Romance
Your wife needs to know that she is special to you. If you’re thinking, ‘Well, she should know; I wouldn’t have married her if she wasn’t special’ , you need to realise that in a woman’s mind, it doesn’t work that way. Your wife needs to be constantly reassured that you treasure her and she is your top priority after God. When a woman asks her husband to be more romantic, this is what she means. Romance tells her that she’s at the forefront of your mind and you value her. In the minds of some men, romance equals sex but in your wife’s mind that is not so. Romance is the little things you do to demonstrate to her that she is worth pursuing and your pursuit did not end when you got her to the altar. Think about the things that you did to gain her attention before you married her. Where has all of that gone? Some men treat their wives as if she was a project they had to accomplish but now that’s over they’ve moved on to other things. Loving your wife successfully is a lifelong project.

Being romantic with your wife gives her a sense of security and reassurance that you are committed to your union with her. May I also say that romance should not simply be a means to an end. If the only time you shower your wife with attention, say nice things to her or touch her is when you want sex, she will soon begin to view your attention as meaningless. Be loving with your wife just because you love her, not because you want something in return. When last did you and your wife do something fun together? Your wife wants to be your best friend and friends have fun together. If you always choose the company of your male buddies over your wife, you will drift apart because intimacy is based on shared experiences.

Rest
Men often seek sex to relieve their stress and relax. Conversely, most women need to be relaxed and feel rested to enjoy sex at its best. If your wife is constantly too tired for sex, have you considered that she might be overloaded? Women are natural care-givers and many women work as well as carrying the majority of the responsibility for caring for the home and children. If your wife is constantly working 18 hour days with no assistance, it should be no wonder that she has no energy left over for you at the end of the day. What can you do to lighten her load?

If a husband does not commit to helping his wife manage her time and energy, sex will just feel like another chore which she needs to tick off her to do list daily and it will become a burden. If he makes unrealistic demands of her and expects her to mother him and his children, manage the household, hold down a job or run a business, have a freshly cooked meal on the table every night without any assistance and still be full of energy for him at night, he does need to call himself to question. How many men can function under such relentless pressure? Many women are burning out and their husband’s don’t see the signs. Your wife is fully equipped to be your helpmeet but sometimes the helpmeet also needs some help! Caring for your wife’s wellbeing is your high calling as a husband. Ephesians 5:28-29 explains that a husband brings out the best in his wife by loving her like his own body, nourishing and cherishing her wholeheartedly. If your wife is drowning under a sea of responsibility, rescue her and see what that does for her libido! To a woman, there is something infinitely attractive about a man who will use his strength to protect her wellbeing.

Respect
Men thrive on respect and a wise wife will always show her husband the utmost respect. Similarly, your wife deserves your respect. Particularly, in this context, your wife will thrive when you respect her needs and desires. A great lover is one who listens. The best person to teach you how to please your wife sexually is your wife. If you try to love your wife sexually the way you feel she should be loved, the way your male friends say she should be loved or the way the media portrays, you will probably get it wrong most of the time. If your wife cannot communicate her needs to you for fear of how you will react, you are losing out. Don’t view it as an affront when your wife communicates what she needs. As you tune in to your wife’s needs, putting your desires aside to please her, you will be amazed at how she will bloom.

Closely connected with this is the need for you to respect your wife’s body. Women are incredibly sensitive about their bodies so if you make fun of your wife, point out that she is overweight or compare her with other women, she will quickly lose confidence in herself and her sexual desires will fly out of the window. Your wife should feel like she is the most beautiful woman in the world because of the respect you show her. If all of this sounds like hard work, remember that your aim is to have a more sexual wife. If you take to heart this advice from a woman’s perspective and practice it consistently and patiently, in time and you will reap the benefits of a happy, confident, more sexual wife. When she gets what she needs, you get what you want. I would say that’s a great deal!

Have your say. Please leave me a comment on Facebook or Twitter . It might help someone else.

When work and family collide

Tue, 15 Nov 2016 21:21:00 GMT

Work is a blessing. One of the first things that God did when He made man was to give him work. God works. He designed work to give us a sense of fulfilment and contribution. A chance to use the multi-layered abilities and gifts He has given us to bless our world.

God values our work ethic so highly that the scriptures in 2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3:10‬ go as far as to command, ‘The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat’. ‭‭Idleness is not an option as far as God is concerned. Paul explains why in Titus‬ ‭3:14‬ ‭[MSG‬]. ‘Our people have to learn to be diligent in their work so that all necessities are met (especially among the needy) and they don’t end up with nothing to show for their lives.’
‭‭
That said, what do you do when work begins to collide with your family life? When what was designed as a blessing begins to have a negative effect on the covenant of marriage instituted by God? Harmony in a marriage can be profoundly affected by inability to manage the delicate balance between commitment to work and family. Everything from communication to companionship to sex life and the ability to make decisions as a team are impacted by poor work-life balance.

The price of intimacy
Intimate marriage partnerships are built on shared experiences with your spouse. There are no short cuts to intimacy. Sharing quality time together is the only way. If you want to get to know someone – God, your spouse, your children – you have to spend time interacting with them. This was probably what God had in mind when He instructed the Israelites in Deuteronomy‬ ‭24:5‬, ‘When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.’ Talk about extreme honeymooning! God clearly wanted every marriage to have the strongest foundation and the best chance of thriving by prioritising shared experiences between husband and wife in the first year of marriage.

In today’s fast-paced world, couples spending time together has become a luxury. Work demands more and more of our time and gives us less and less flexibility. Not only are spouses casualties of the excessive working habits of their partners, children also bear the brunt of absentee parents. Children learn by modelling. They can only emulate you if they actually have the opportunity to interact with you. How else can we pass on our faith and values? It is not the church’s responsibility to take the lead in teaching children about Jesus. That responsibility lies squarely at the doorstep of the parent.

The impact of work on family life is even more marked in single parent families where the parent has no other option than to work long hours and no back up in raising the children effectively. The single parent has to balance the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner and the sole care giver for their children.

Work pressure and family life
Work pressure can present itself in many different ways which are detrimental to family life. Long, irregular or inflexible work hours, excessive workloads, conflict at work or excessive travel can place a tremendous amount of strain on family life. Furthermore, importing work stress into the home upsets the emotional balance in the home. Overreacting or irritability with your spouse or children is frequently the first symptom of this.

Work pressure is not restricted to employees alone. Some people venture into entrepreneurship with a desire to take control of their time and then find themselves unable to regulate their work patterns. Because they are now responsible for the success of the business they work longer hours and shoulder all the stress of making the business work.

Workaholism differs from work pressure in that it is self-imposed pressure of work as opposed to pressure exerted by an employer or the business demands. Compulsive overworking and the inability to regulate work habits is a character trait that can do untold damage to relationships.

Technology has made achieving work-life balance even more challenging. It used to be the case that when you left work you left your work at work. Now your work follows you home in the shape of your laptop, tablet or mobile phone. Unless appropriate boundaries are established between your home life and your work life, you will soon find that most of your waking hours are consumed with work.

Balance matters to God
Rest matters so much to God that the very first chapter of the Bible records Him resting, demonstrating how critical rest is to all round productivity. God went further to enshrine a day of rest in the Ten Commandments and even Jesus, despite having a world to save, had a clearly established rhythm of work and rest. He knew when to focus on the crowd, when to spend time with His inner circle and when to spend time alone with God. If Jesus the Saviour of the world was able to establish a balanced lifestyle, you can too. You wonder how? The key is found in three words.

Setting appropriate priorities
Balance begins by asking yourself a simple question. ‘What matters most to me?’ If your family matters to you, invest in them. Marriage is built on relationship and you can only relate when you are present and available to your spouse physically, mentally and emotionally. Intimacy is strengthened by shared experience so if you are missing out on most of the important experiences and life events in the lives of your spouse and children that is bound to affect the level of closeness you feel in your marriage. Many workaholics try to justify they work habits by convincing themselves that they are doing it all for their family. That may be so but it is pointless to lose your family in the process of trying to provide for them. No amount of success at work can adequately compensate for a failure to capture the hearts and minds of your spouse and children.

The remedy is to actively schedule your spouse and children into your day so that they don’t fall to the bottom of your priority list. Sometimes that means saying no to doing some good things so that you can invest in the most meaningful things in your life. When all is said and done and you prepare to draw your last breath, you will not ask for your bank manager or boss to stand by your bedside; neither will you be comforted by the thought of your bank balance, assets or awards; you will only ask for what matters most – your family – so give them appropriate priority while you still can.

How to change your spouse

Sat, 05 Nov 2016 16:20:00 GMT

‘How can I change my spouse?’ This is a question that frequently comes up during Q&A sessions in my seminars. I also receive a lot of mail from people who want to change one thing or the other in their spouse. You may be reading this because your spouse has habits that are driving you round the bend. Read on!

Give up trying to change your spouse yourself

Ironically, the first key to changing your spouse is to stop trying to do it yourself. This sounds counter intuitive but the reality is that no human being has the capacity to change another human being. We change because we want to and it is God that puts the ‘want to’ inside of us. Philippians 2:13 explains it this way. ‘God is working in you to help you want to do and be able to do what pleases him.’ Ask God to work in your spouse. Often we try to work on our spouse rather than letting God work in our spouse.

You must decide whether what you want is change or adjustment. Adjustment is a response to external pressure. Change is a response to internal conviction. Adjustment is temporary; change is permanent. This is vividly illustrated by people who try to pressure a person to change their behaviour as a condition of marriage. They lay down ultimatums like ‘If you change XYZ I will marry you’ . The difficulty with adjusting under external pressure is that as soon as the external pressure is removed we revert back to our natural self. Once the marriage is achieved the person has no further incentive to keep up the behaviour adjustment. If what you want is a real heart change in your spouse then you have to hand them over to God and trust God to engineer the change from the inside out. The less you try the more effective it is. Pressure does not change people permanently, conviction does. Only God has the capacity to truly change another human being.

Consider whether you’re the one who needs to change

Sometimes we get so fixated on something our spouse is doing that we fail to recognise that our attitude is the problem, rather than our spouse’s behaviour. Matthew 7:1-4 [MSG] puts it this way. ‘Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbour’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, “Let me wash your face for you,” when your own face is distorted by contempt?’ Ouch! Painful to admit but true. We all have a tendency to judge others harshly and judge ourselves leniently.

Give grace to your spouse because you are not perfect yourself. As you bear with your spouse’s weaknesses remember that he or she will have to bear with yours as well. Because you are a recipient of grace you should be prepared to be a giver of grace. The areas in which you need grace may be different from your spouse’s but you do need grace nonetheless. Sometimes we focus so hard on our spouse’s faults that that becomes the only reality we see. Adjusting your focus helps you gain a more balanced perspective of your spouse and reminds you of all the positives you may be ignoring.

Complement rather than criticise

Consider the possibility that your spouse is trying hard to change but may not find it easy in certain areas. We each have peculiar strengths and weaknesses. In areas where we are strong we tend to take for granted how difficult those things can be for someone who is not naturally strong in those areas. For instance, someone who is naturally organised may never be able to fully appreciate how hard it is for a scattered person to get – and crucially stay – organised. People who are verbally astute can often be intolerant of people who find it hard to express themselves, while people who are good with money feel like people with poor money skills belong on another planet!

We take for granted our own giftings and assume that others should be able to function as we do, forgetting that very often it was that gifting which attracted your spouse to you in the first place. Subconsciously, your spouse recognised their need for your strengths, which is why opposites tend to attract. It may well be that the change you are trying to effect in your spouse is the very weakness God brought you into his or her life to compensate for. That’s what covenant is about. You pledge to help each other out with your complementary strengths such that you are stronger together than you would each have been apart. You become more relevant in your spouse’s life when you step in with your own strengths to make his or her life better.

Give the gift of acceptance

You earn the right to speak into your spouse’s life by being supportive. A coach earns the right to correct an athlete by first demonstrating belief in that athlete. When people believe in us we are less defensive when they make suggestions to us. Relationship gives you the right to speak into another person’s life. Relationship in marriage is not a foregone conclusion. Some couples are no more than glorified roommates. The more interconnected your lives become, the more of a stake you have in each other’s outcomes. If you want to be more influential in your spouse’s life, position yourself as his or her best friend and look out for their best interests at all times

Shower your spouse with faith in his or her abilities. Let your spouse know that you believe in him or her wholeheartedly, without reservation. Your acceptance of your spouse should not be conditional upon a prescribed level of achievement or standard of behaviour. When your spouse is confident that you believe in them as a person, you will be able to comment on certain behaviour traits or actions objectively without them feeling rejected. Proverbs 27:6 puts it this way. ‘Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda].’ We are more likely to accept feedback from a trusted friend than an uninvolved stranger.

Give up trying to control your spouse

God made us free moral agents not robots. God could control us if He wanted to but rather He gives us the opportunity to make choices. If you keep attempting to take away your spouse’s right to make independent choices, your spouse will keep resisting your attempts to control them and make them change. This is the dynamic of nagging, which is an attempt to control the behaviour of your spouse by berating the behaviour you perceive as negative. At some point you will have to come to terms with the reality that the person you married will sometimes have preferences that are different from yours. Your spouse has a right to their own preferences as long as those preferences are not harmful.

You have to be able to differentiate between desires and deal-breakers. Desires are simply areas where your spouse has preferences that may be different from yours. Deal breakers are preferences that are harmful and therefore should not be tolerated in the context of a Christian marriage, for example addictions, pornography, infidelity, abuse and violence. Distinguishing one from the other will put you on the road to satisfaction in marriage. Satisfaction in marriage does not come from having your own way; it comes from you and your spouse being free to grow into the best version of you possible in a mutually supportive environment. Sometimes this involves the freedom to make mistakes but when we learn from those mistakes they don’t define us, they empower us to make better choices next time. Give your spouse the freedom to grow.

Be a good example

You cannot change bad behaviour by demonstrating bad behaviour yourself. Your obedience to God’s word must be complete if you are seeking God to change your spouse. When you respond to your spouse’s bad behaviour with bad behaviour, you give them the opportunity to justify their own bad behaviour as a response to yours. You can only ever defeat negativity with heavy doses of positivity. Fire doesn’t quench fire; water quenches fire. 1 Peter 3:1-2, speaking specifically to wives, explains that even if a husband is disobedient to God’s word he can be won over, not by nagging but by his wife’s godly conduct. I am persuaded that this principle is a major key to influencing your spouse. Godly conduct convicts. One godly act is way more effective than all the speeches in the world.

Have you allowed yourself to be sucked into a cycle of negativity by a negative spouse? If you want to stop that cycle, you need to extract yourself from it. Refuse to allow yourself to mirror bad behaviour. Take the high road even when you are subject to poor treatment like temper tantrums, neglect, disrespect or hurtful speech. Romans 12:17-18 is just as relevant today as when it was first written. ‘Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honourable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’

Set appropriate boundaries to protect yourself

We are called to be tolerant and forgiving in all our relationships but there needs to be a distinction between times when someone causes us hurt and when they do us damage. Every human relationship can hurtful at various times, simply because we are human. We say or do things that hurt each other but usually it is not with the intention to harm. When a person intentionally puts you in harm’s way or does things deliberately to cause you damage, it is your responsibility to protect yourself.

In His tense relationship with the Jews and Pharisees, Jesus knew when to speak up and when to stand down. He knew when to show up and when to disappear. Time and again, scriptures state that Jesus slipped away or hid Himself when things got too intense and He was in danger of being stoned or thrown off a cliff. Removing yourself from a potentially damaging situation is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of wisdom. Proverbs 22:3 and 27:12 say exactly the same thing, perhaps for emphasis. ‘A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.’ No one is called to be a martyr to save a marriage; you have to stay alive to save your marriage. If you are in danger of physical or psychological harm because of your spouse’s behaviour, it is wise to remove yourself from that environment while seeking external intervention to tackle the situation. Talk to an experienced counsellor who can help you develop an action plan if you find yourself in such a situation.

How to recover from the trauma of infidelity

Sat, 24 Sep 2016 17:20:00 GMT

Infidelity can present itself in many forms – pornography, online flirting, emotional intimacy with a colleague at work, opportunistic sexual encounters and full blown secondary intimate relationships with someone outside the marriage. When a person gives to someone else what rightfully belongs to their spouse – a look of desire, their emotions, their body or their heart – it violates the covenant of faithfulness which they made with their spouse. My recent blog post, ‘Adultery: A fool’s game’ looks at the anatomy of an affair and why it is a lose-lose situation.

Discovering that one’s spouse has been having an affair can be emotionally devastating because it strikes at the very core of a person’s identity and self esteem, making them question their own attractiveness, self-worth and judgement of others. It shatters trust and raises questions about the veracity of all the interactions a person has had with their spouse since the affair began. Everything a person believes to be true about their spouse, their relationship and their life in general is suddenly called into question. Men, in particular, find it difficult to deal with the thought of their wife having a sexual affair. Conversely, women struggle most with the idea of their husband being emotionally intimate with another woman and are more inclined to forgive their husband falling into sexual sin in a moment of temptation than a long standing relationship with another woman.

Whether or not adultery ends a marriage relationship is a decision for the betrayed partner to make. I know of many stories of grace and forgiveness where couples have survived infidelity and their relationship ended up stronger, better and more fulfilled than ever before. For others, they find the scale of the betrayal too difficult to surmount and choose to end the relationship. Stay or leave? That is a complex decision which depends on many factors and should not be made without the advice of an experienced, Christian marriage counsellor who can help bring God’s perspective into the situation. I will not even attempt to delve into that in this post as each situation is unique. My focus is on the journey to emotional recovery for anyone who finds themselves at the receiving end of betrayal. Whether you choose to stay or leave, finding healing is a journey which needs to include the following steps.

Refuse self blame
There is a tendency for people to assume that a spouse has an affair because they have not been treated well by their own spouse. People may insinuate that a husband is driven to adultery because his wife is not meeting his sexual needs. Or that a wife was driven to emotional indiscretion with her colleague at work because her husband doesn’t listen to her and meet her emotional needs. While it is true that ignoring your spouse’s needs makes them vulnerable to temptation, ultimately every human being is accountable to God for their own actions and should not seek to justify themselves by laying the blame at someone else’s door. On one hand, the Bible counsels marriage partners to meet the needs of their spouse so that they are not exposed to the temptation but the same Bible makes it clear that no temptation we face is beyond our ability to bear. James 1:14 in the Message translation puts it rather bluntly. ‘The temptation to give in to evil comes from us and only us. We have no one to blame but the leering, seducing flare-up of our own lust.’ Ouch! In other words, adultery is a personal choice to sin against God, oneself and one’s spouse and the circumstances of the relationship do not justify it before God. If there are lessons to be learnt from your spouse’s infidelity, be humble enough to learn the lessons but don’t internalise the blame. When a person sins, before God they cannot share that responsibility with someone else; the offending spouse must take ownership and responsibility for what they have done.

Choose forgiveness
Forgiveness is the first concrete step towards healing. Forgiveness means you give up the right to seek compensation from someone for the hurt they have caused you. When God forgave us our sin, He wiped the slate clean and wrote off the debt that we owed Him. If you insist that your spouse pays for what they have done, it negates the very principle of forgiveness. Nothing your spouse can ever do will adequately compensate for the loss you have experienced so the only course of action that will restore your peace is to give up the right to seek recompense and release the debt from your heart. Forgiving an unrepentant offender presents the most difficult challenge of all and it is at moments like this that we need to lean on God’s ability to help us forgive the seemingly unforgivable. It is worth noting that forgiveness does not equate to forgetfulness. While God is capable of erasing the memory of our offenses which He has forgiven, as human beings we continually have to deal with recurring thoughts of the pain we have experienced. Dealing with the moments when the emotional pain resurfaces requires making a daily choice to put aside those memories and consciously operate from a standpoint of forgiveness.

Surround yourself with the right people
It matters who you surround yourself with in moments of pain, especially if you have decided to seek restoration for your marriage. Don’t talk to people who simply want to rehearse your pain, heap blame on you for your failings or deepen your anger towards your spouse. You need a strong, supportive community who can pray over you and encourage you when you are hurting. Galatians 6:2 encourages, ‘Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ’ . When you are vulnerable it matters who you are listening to, who you open up to and whose counsel you take. Hopefully, you already have a community of believers who can support you in your journey towards healing. It is imperative that you involve an experienced, empathetic Christian counsellor who can walk you through this season with counsel from God’s word.

Find your healing in God
Only God has the capacity to heal a wounded heart and make you whole again. Turn to God and hand your pain to Him. You may not know what to pray but just pour your heart out to Him like David did. Psalm 147:3 testifies, ‘He is the healer of the broken-hearted. He is the one who bandages their wounds’ . Listen to worship music, listen to your audio Bible and let God’s word wash over your soul. God made your heart and He has the awesome capacity to heal it. He understands what you are going through and He will give you peace instead of turmoil and joy instead of depression. He will speak to your heart tenderly in the night seasons when you like awake and your world seems to be swirling around you. He is the one constant in the midst of turbulence so use this opportunity to draw closer to Him rather than pulling away from Him. The enemy of your soul will do everything he can to drive a wedge between you and God during your seasons of pain. Resist the temptation to blame God and rest in the knowledge that when you lean on Him, He will lift you up and you will come out of this stronger, wiser and better than you ever were.

Learn to trust again
Rebuilding trust in a person who has betrayed you is a gradual process that requires the offender to be committed to scrupulous honesty and accountability moving forwards. Transparency builds trust and a partner who has cheated should not expect to be automatically restored to a place of unquestioning trust. They must prove themselves worthy of that trust by severing all ties to the affair, giving up secrecy and eradicating risk factors like pornography. It is quite common for a person who has been betrayed but chooses to stay in the relationship to adopt hyper-vigilant behaviour like going through their spouse’s phone or browsing history, checking pockets, wallets and bags for evidence of cheating and connecting a series of unconnected events to support suspicions of repeat betrayal. At some point you will need to come to terms with the fact that you can never adequately protect yourself from betrayal, no matter how much detective work you do. Trusting your future and wellbeing into God’s hands will enable you to gradually let down your guard and give yourself permission to trust again. Remember that it is impossible to build an intimate relationship in the absence of trust so the walls that surround your heart to keep hurt out will also keep love out. Lower the walls and give yourself a chance to love again.

Adultery: A fool’s game

Tue, 06 Sep 2016 19:12:00 GMT

It’s not often that I title my articles in such a pointed manner; I usually favour a subtler approach in passing across the messages which I believe that God has laid on my heart regarding relationships and marriage. However, in recent days I have received a disturbing amount of mail from spouses whose hearts have been ripped apart by the infidelity of their marital partner which compels me to write this article.

There are two things that are particularly heart-wrenching about these cases. Firstly, these are couples who identify themselves as Christians, made vows before the Church that they would be eternally faithful to each other, and have a clear understanding of biblical standards for sexual fidelity. Secondly, these are not occasional sins where the partner has fallen, but is repentant and willing to change. Jesus Himself gave us an example in such situations; our responsibility as the Church when someone falls into adultery but is repentant is to chart a course towards forgiveness, restoration and restitution for such a person to prevent them from being consumed by the enemy of our souls. We are called, not to condemn but, to love such people back into a place of usefulness in God’s Kingdom.

What disturbs me is the impunity of partners who are caught in adultery, flaunt it in their spouse’s face and are determined against all odds to continue in their sin in flagrant disobedience to the God whom they profess daily. I have been particularly traumatized by revelations of husbands who openly display their indiscretions, expect their wives to live with their ongoing unfaithfulness, and subject them to physical abuse if they dare complain. Have we totally lost the fear of God?

I think it bears highlighting that God’s expectations have not changed regarding the sanctity of sex in marriage. It is well worth reading the book of Proverbs 5, one of many scriptures that make God’s views on adultery abundantly clear. It is a scripture that examines the full life-cycle of adultery from the moment it is first formulated in the mind, to the actual temptations that lead to it, the opportunities to avoid it, the act itself and the consequences, not only for the adulterer, but also for those closest to him or her. The final few verses in Proverbs 5:20-23 say it all.

‘My son, why get caught up in some other woman and embrace the breast of a stranger? You see, the Eternal sees our ways before Him. He watches every move we make and knows where those paths lead. The wicked will be snared by their own wrongdoing. Their flaws will tie their own hands, and they will be dragged through life by the cords of their sins. Because they have no discipline, their spirits die and their bodies will soon follow; because they are immensely foolish, they wander lost and confused.’

There is no kinder way to say this: Adultery is a fool’s game. That’s not just my conclusion – it is God’s. The deception, the shame, the hurt it causes to the spouse, the financial wreckage it creates, the legacy of confusion and distrust which it bestows upon the children caught up in such a situation begs the question, ‘Is it ever worth it?’ Infidelity is not just a bad habit; it’s a threat—a clear and present danger to everything that God has planned for your life. It violates your relationship with God, derails destinies, truncates trust in a relationship, afflicts the perpetrator with a guilty conscience and tears apart families that have been put together by God; the consequences go on and on. One is left asking, what is the payoff in adultery?

As with every other temptation in life, the devil highlights in vivid colour the purported benefits of straying outside the marriage bed. He dehumanises the cheated spouse so that the perpetrator is anaesthetised to the pain their unfaithfulness is causing. He convinces people that they deserve to be happy at any cost and justifies their unfaithfulness with a wide variety of reasons, including their spouse not meeting their needs. What is outside the home always looks infinitely more attractive until you actually get close up. Someone has wisely said that when the grass is greener on the other side it is time to water your own garden.

The reality is that when adultery enters a relationship, everybody loses in the final analysis. The cheated spouse’s loss is obvious; the pain of betrayal is a wound that only God can truly heal. Any children of the marriage find themselves in a traumatic situation with every childhood image of the ‘hero’ father or ‘heroine’ mother shattered into a million pieces. And what about the adulterer? Contrary to expectations, most adulterers do not end up in an exciting new relationship with their lovers. In fact, the reverse is the case. Studies indicate that roughly 90 per cent do not marry their lover. Of the remaining 10 percent who do marry them, 70 percent eventually separate. That in itself is not surprising because a relationship built on deceit will not have the strength to go the distance when real life kicks in. Besides, how can you place your trust in someone who is prepared to cheat with you? Anyone prepared to sin with you will surely sin against you at some point.

Make no mistake; the ‘thrill’ of a moment of infidelity will always give birth to a lifetime of regret. There are no gains to be had from an adulterous lifestyle. It is a losing game.

If you are caught up in the web of adultery, don’t wait to be found out. Enlist the help of an experienced counsellor who can guide you through the process of repentance and restoration.

The danger of a settled marriage

Tue, 30 Aug 2016 19:01:00 GMT

The phrase ‘settle down’ has become synonymous with the concept of getting married. The sentence, ‘When are you going to settle down?’ is casually used to encourage singles to get married, without a thought as to its implication. There is a danger in becoming too settled in any state. To ‘settle’ is the precursor of mediocrity. Many years ago I read an arresting book titled ‘An Enemy Called Average’ by John L. Mason. He starts the book with a thought-provoking quote. ‘Mediocrity is a region bound on the north by compromise, on the south by indecision, on the east by past thinking, and on the west by a lack of vision.’ In essence, anything you become too settled in, you become average at.

The enemy of a great marriage is an average mentality. When an average mentality settles in, you lose your edge, you become complacent and anything goes. If your goal is to enjoy a vibrant, fulfilling and exciting marriage, complacency is one enemy you will have to constantly fight. There is such a strong temptation to view the wedding as a goal in itself, rather than a means to an end. If you take your foot off the pedal of your relationship; if you stop pushing yourself towards excellence; if you begin to take your spouse’s love for granted; mediocrity becomes the natural result. Some couples get married on the misconception that a great marriage happens spontaneously and should not require any work. Nothing could be further from the truth. Anything you take for granted will be devalued in your eyes over time. Conversely, when you truly value your marriage, you recognise that it is worth fighting for and investing in daily.

Vision
A great marriage is by no means a perfect marriage. It is simply a marriage where both parties are committed to an ever-growing, progressive relationship. When you have a vision for something, that vision drives you to acquire the knowledge you need to excel at it. If the only time you ever seriously think about your marriage is when you have problems, you need to catch a fresh vision. When last did you read a book or article on marriage? How open are you to attending marriage seminars or learning from others who have successful marriages? Your thirst for knowledge is an indicator of the strength of your vision. Most marriage failures are actually a failure of knowledge. It’s not that the couple doesn’t have what it takes to make it work; it is more often that one or both parties don’t know what it takes to make a marriage work. Catch a fresh vision for your marriage and invest in the knowledge you need to give your marriage a new lease of life. The benefits will be yours to enjoy.

Intention
To build a great marriage, you need to be intentional about protecting your love. In the Bible, a love relationship is frequently likened to a vineyard requiring attention. In Song of Solomon 2:15 (NLT), the bridegroom urgently declares, ‘Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!’ Usually, it is not the huge challenges that sink marriages; it is the little iotas of indifference aggregated over time that erode the foundations of a marriage. Don’t ever lose your sense of intentionality about where you want your marriage to go. You deserve the best so give your marriage your best. Be intentional about loving your spouse, meeting his or her needs and building a strong foundation of trust in your home. Be intentional about being kind, polite, loving and available to your spouse. Practice the art of persistent pursuit and win your spouse’s heart over and over again.

Attention
Marriage is not something you achieve at the altar and then move on to other pursuits. A great marriage requires focused, consistent attention just like any other worthwhile relationship. Love does not thrive in an atmosphere of neglect. Consider for a moment another illustration from scripture regarding a vineyard. In Proverbs 24:30-31, Solomon records his experience and observations in a vivid fashion. ‘Once I passed by the property of a slacker, by the vineyard of a foolish man. You should have seen it! The entire field was overgrown with thorns. Every inch was covered with weeds. Even the stone wall was crumbling down.’ The lesson is clear; slackness and complacency in any area of life will take its toll over time. This applies in marriage as in every other area of life. Give your relationship the attention it needs to thrive. Take time to notice your spouse. Don’t ever take him or her for granted. The thrill of marriage is in an eternal pursuit of your spouse’s heart. Refuse to settle.

What do you need to do to shake off complacency in your marriage?

The legacy of a father

Sun, 21 Aug 2016 19:26:00 GMT

My father in law passed on a few days ago, on Friday 19 August 2016, at the age of 96. It has been a period of reflection and the memories are flowing thick and fast as people recall his quietly potent life. It has been a moving experience to listen to my husband and his siblings recount similar stories of his kindness, wisdom, generosity and humility. An understated non-conformist, he was married to one woman for 67 years in a world where faithfulness in marriage is becoming a rarity. His peaceful disposition which I witnessed in every interaction with him has marked the consciousness of every single one of his children.

The thing that has struck me the most are the testimonies of his heartfelt faith. His walk with God was disciplined, consistent and the fulcrum of his entire existence. Everything else in his life revolved around his love for God. As I listened to my husband and his sisters reminisce on how his favourite scripture was 1 Timothy 6:6, ‘But godliness with contentment is great gain’ , how he had that scripture inscribed on his bedroom door and how he made them memorise and recite it frequently, I could see how deeply that scripture had imprinted upon and reflected in the lives of all his children. This set me thinking about the power of a father’s legacy.

The impact of a father in the life of his children should never be underestimated. For many children, their father is the first hero they identify with. A godly father sets the tone of who his son wants to become and who his daughter aspires to marry. As I reflect on the fact that fathers are shaping and influencing their children daily whether they realise it or not, I would like to encourage fathers to be even more intentional about the legacy they are leaving their children.

The greatest legacy that a godly father can leave his children is the faith that he embraces. Scripture refers repeatedly to ‘the God of our fathers’ and God is frequently referred to in scripture as ‘the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob’ . This is a direct result of the intentionality with which Abraham passed on his faith to Isaac, his son. Consider the conversation that transpired between Abraham and Isaac as Abraham embarked upon the journey that would lead him to the greatest test of his life as recorded in Genesis 22:5-8.

‘“Stay here with the donkey,” Abraham told the servants. “The boy and I will travel a little farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back.”

So Abraham placed the wood for the burnt offering on Isaac’s shoulders, while he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them walked on together, Isaac turned to Abraham and said, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“We have the fire and the wood,” the boy said, “but where is the sheep for the burnt offering?”

“God will provide a sheep for the burnt offering, my son,” Abraham answered. And they both walked on together.’

Isaac was confident to discuss the things of God with his father. From the intimate tone of the conversation, you get the feeling that this was something that regularly happened between them. Isaac witnessed the unshakable faith his father had in God and the confidence with which he assured his servants that he and Isaac would go and worship God together and return together . Abraham was fully prepared to obey God and sacrifice his son because he was fully persuaded of God’s promise that through this same son he would have many descendants. He was persuaded that God would do whatever it took to bring that word to pass, including raising Isaac from the dead, if necessary. What potent faith! I can’t help thinking about how that experience must have marked Isaac’s consciousness for life.

Faith is both taught and caught. It is the honour of a father to teach his children God’s word and how to walk with God. Even more importantly, a godly father should walk the walk, demonstrating to his children by example what it means to walk by faith, depend on God in all seasons, and live a life of consecration to God. Deuteronomy 4, 6 and 11 have similar themes as Moses, instructed the migrant Israelites about how to conduct themselves when they entered the land God had promised them. Verses 2 and 19 of Deuteronomy 11 sum up the secrets of succeeding in the Promised Land which Moses was trying to pass across.

‘Now keep this in mind: it was you, not your children, who saw and experienced firsthand all the lessons the Eternal your God taught you. You saw how He demonstrated His majesty and His overwhelming power…Teach these things to your children. Talk about them when you’re sitting together in your home and when you’re walking together down the road. Make them the last thing you talk about before you go to bed and the first thing you talk about the next morning. That way you and your children will be blessed.’

Father, you have had some experiences with God which your children have not had. Be intentional about teaching them why you believe what you believe and your lessons will ring true in their hearts because they will see in you the fruits of walking with God. Pray with them; teach them the word; don’t leave this awesome responsibility to your wife. Your greatest legacy as a father will not be the inheritance you leave your children but the faith you pass on to them.

How intentional are you about passing on your faith to your children? Be deliberate about helping your children to develop a living, breathing relationship with God.

When two becomes three

Mon, 15 Aug 2016 19:39:00 GMT

The moment when a first child enters a family is simultaneously a moment of intense joy and extreme pressure. The first child catapults a husband and wife into a completely different set of responsibilities and roles which neither has ever fulfilled before – father and mother. Suddenly, rather than just being responsible for each other, they also take on responsibility for a baby which is totally dependent on them for its wellbeing. What an awesome assignment. Children are a tremendous blessing but the manner in which a couple adapts to the entry of children into the family will go a long way to determine the long-term health of the marriage.

On the transition to parenthood, Dr John Gottman, the influential researcher on marriage, states that ‘While this period holds potential for great joy in a parent’s life, our research shows that shortly after the birth of their child, approximately two-thirds of couples will experience a significant drop in relationship quality’. The reasons for this are obvious: sleep deprivation, increased financial pressures when a working wife takes time off work and time pressures all conspire to put a strain on the marriage. More significantly, babies require attention; a lot of attention. It is therefore the natural response for the baby to become the centre of the parents’ focus, where previously their attention was focused on each other. This is all perfectly naturally and eventually all the displaced priorities should fall back into place as the couple becomes skilful at juggling their new responsibilities. The difficulty arises when the couple fails to make the appropriate adjustments and the child becomes the focus of the marriage rather than the product of the marriage. Misplaced priorities signal a marriage in distress.

God designed the marriage relationship to take precedence over every other human relationship. A careful study of Genesis 1 and 2 where everything began, including marriage, reveals that children were not mentioned as God’s purpose for marriage; rather the ability to multiply was conferred as a consequence and blessing of marriage. Matthew 6:21 makes a powerful statement about priorities. ‘For where your treasure is, there your heart [your wishes, your desires; that on which your life centres] will be also.’ Your pursuit follows your passion and your passion follows your priorities. If your daily pursuit is focused on being a great parent at the expense of been a great spouse your priorities are misplaced. When your children become your highest priority, you will lose passion for your spouse and pour your passion into them instead. Placing your children before your spouse means that you have taken what rightfully belongs to your spouse and invested it in your children. The God-ordained order of relationship priorities is clear. God comes first, then your spouse and after that your children.

Your children should always know that they do not take precedence over your spouse. This helps them feel secure because they instinctively recognise that your home is stable. I jokingly remind our daughters that my husband and I were first a husband and wife before we became a father and mother. They find it amusing when I say so, but it also gives them a sense of how secure our relationship is as a couple. It is a mistake to think that pouring your life into your children at the expense of your spouse benefits them. In reality, a shaky marriage makes children feel insecure. Children instinctively know when the relationship between their parents is strong. The best thing you can do to give your children a stable, loving environment to grow up in is to love your spouse. Great relationships with your spouse and children should not be mutually exclusive. You should have both, not one or the other. If you build one at the expense of the other, both will suffer in the long run.

Couples who focus on their children at the expense of their relationship usually find that when the children are gone they have no relationship left because they have neglected their friendship over the years. In some situations people feel there is nothing left binding them together once the children are gone. This often accounts for unexplainable divorces after several decades of marriage. Children should not be used as a smoke-screen to cover up an unsatisfactory marriage. If you find that all of your conversation with your spouse is centred on your children, you need to take a step back and remind yourselves of the things that drew you together in the first place. Don’t sacrifice your shared interests on the altar of parenthood. Your friendship as a couple is a cornerstone of your marriage which should not be neglected.

Couples sometimes have the mistaken belief that having children together will heal their marriage and draw them together. Leah, the first wife of Jacob, made this fatal mistake. Having swindled Jacob into marrying her rather than her sister Rachel, who was his first love, she proceeded to have one son after the other in a bid to win Jacob’s attention. Yet, Jacob remained steadfastly in love with Rachel. Leah’s mindset is clearly revealed in Genesis 30:19-20. ‘Leah conceived again and bore Jacob a sixth son. Then Leah said, “God has presented me with a precious gift. This time my husband will treat me with honour, because I have borne him six sons.” So she named him Zebulun.’ Nevertheless, this did nothing to improve their relationship. Having children together will not heal a fractured relationship. In fact, the pressures of raising children can put a strain on weak marriages and drive the partners apart. If you have marriage issues, face them squarely and sort them out. Children should not be used as plasters over deep wounds that require surgery. Children are not an insurance policy against divorce.

I end with a specific word to fathers and mothers. Some fathers become bereft when their wife has the first child because they are left on the periphery looking inwards at the growing bond between mother and child. This is why fathers should be closely involved in parenting their children from the start. That way he becomes a participant, rather than an onlooker and the baby becomes a shared bond rather than an intrusion. Children can be time-consuming and exhausting, especially for the mother in the initial stages. It’s amazing how much work a little bundle of joy can produce. When fathers and mothers share the responsibility of raising children it becomes a bond that ties them together rather than a wedge that drives them apart. And to mothers, don’t expend all your effort on being a mother to the point that you have no energy or creativity left to be a wife. If you take what belongs to your husband and give it to your children, you are robbing your marriage of its vitality and future. Keep cultivating your marriage, regardless of how many children enter the picture.

Two power habits of the best marriages

Tue, 09 Aug 2016 20:18:00 GMT

What separates good marriages from great marriages? What makes the difference between an acceptable marriage and a mutually satisfying, empowering union between two people? I believe the best marriages are formed by the power habits which two people consciously put in place to make each other feel loved, cared for and truly blessed. When you take control of your habits as a couple, you take control of your marriage and determine the direction in which it should go. Below I share with you two power habits that can set your marriage apart from the rest. The beauty of these habits is that they are simple to cultivate, easy to practice, but they make the biggest difference in a relationship. As W. Clement Stone said, ‘Little hinges swing big doors’ .

Praise
If you are habitually critical or hard-to-please, that sets the general tone of your marriage. You cannot perpetually sow disapproval into the soil of your marriage and hope to reap loyalty, joy and harmony. We all have faults and failings as human beings but the habit of perpetually pointing out the faults of your spouse will do nothing to improve them but will instead create a climate of distrust and frustration in your home. What you focus on becomes entrenched in your mind as your idea of reality so the more you find fault with your spouse, the blinder you become to their strengths. Empower your marriage by replacing the habit of criticism with praise.

Praise is a discipline that keeps your eyes on the positives about your spouse. The more you recognise your spouse’s achievements and celebrate them, the more attracted to him or her you will become. Your spouse will gain value in your eyes through the habit of praise. The other side benefit to praise is that you become more attractive to your spouse when you praise them. As human beings, we are programmed to respond positively to praise. Nobody invites critics to motivate a sports team; only cheerleaders are invited because they enhance the team’s ability to perform. When you habitually notice your spouse’s achievements, he or she will be more drawn to you and you will always be the first person they seek out to share their triumphs with.

Rather than catching your spouse out every time they make a mistake and criticising them for it, catch them when they do great and praise them. If you don’t celebrate your spouse, who will? You are uniquely placed in your spouse’s life to affirm the abilities, strengths and skills that God has blessed them with. Don’t miss that opportunity; notice every little achievement of your spouse.

Proverbs, the Book of Wisdom, concludes in Chapter 31:28 with a record of a husband’s praise for his wife. ‘Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, prosperous, to be admired); her husband also, and he praises her, saying…’ This man modelled praise for his children and they were verbal about their praise of their mother because they had learnt that from their father. Don’t internalise your praise; verbalise it. A single compliment is worth a thousand pleasant thoughts.

Appreciation
Appreciation is the second power habit that differentiates excellent marriages from mediocre ones. Appreciation is different from praise. Praise has to do with acknowledging your spouse’s accomplishments; appreciation means you acknowledge the things they do for you. Have you ever noticed that inspiring marriages are usually between two courteous people who each place value on the contribution their spouse makes to their life? Taking each other for granted is a passion killer; it robs a couple of the pleasure that comes from serving each other. Ingratitude takes the joy out of serving.

How often do you thank your spouse for a good meal; for working hard and being a great example to your children; for picking up your dry-cleaning; for supporting your dreams or for encouraging you when you needed it? A marriage certificate is not a licence to take each other for granted. You say ‘Thank you’ when people serve you in a restaurant, even though you’re paying good money for the service. You say ‘Thank you’ at work, and when somebody serves you in the supermarket or hair salon. Why should you be less grateful to your spouse for his or her contributions freely given to make your life better? Why treat strangers better than you treat your spouse?

Appreciating your spouse frequently will keep you feeling blessed to have him or her in your life. It preserves your sense of how good God has been to you. Time and time again God commands us to be thankful to Him for what He has done for us. After the Gift of Christ, the next biggest gift God has given you is your spouse. How often do you thank God for that precious gift? The reality is that it is very difficult to be thankful to God for your spouse if you are not thankful to your spouse. When you are thankful to your spouse for the things they do for you, you are more likely to remain thankful to God for giving your spouse to you as a gift. Verbalise your appreciation frequently and let your spouse know how valuable their contribution to your life is.

I challenge you to take a few moments to think about ten reasons why you are thankful for your spouse. What ten things do they do to make your life better? Thank them for each of those things and present your thanksgiving list before God daily for an entire week. Even if you have been experiencing difficulties in your marriage, you will be amazed at how positive you become.

How to boost your sex life in marriage

Tue, 02 Aug 2016 19:10:00 GMT

Mutually satisfying sex is a crucial aspect of a happy marriage. Sex was created by God to be a source of pleasure for married couples. Yet, for some couples, sex was great in the first few years of marriage but great sex has now become a dim memory of the distant past. For others, it has actually become an area of anxiety and frustration. This could happen for any number of reasons: conflict in other areas which spills over into a couple’s sex life, disagreements over frequency or technique, time pressures, misplaced priorities or even medical difficulties. It is often said that sex is a barometer for what else is happening in a relationship. Sex is such an intimate experience that it is often the first casualty when there are other problems within a marriage.

A healthy sex life is never a happy accident; it takes effort and investment. Complacency is not a viable option when it comes to your sex life as a couple as this will only lead to frustration and resentment. If there are deeper issues leading to sexual dysfunction in a marriage, they need to be handled prayerfully and pragmatically with the help of a counsellor. When you are intentional about your sex life, it demonstrates that you place value on each other. If you invest in your sex life, you will reap the reward of a passionate, mutually satisfying marriage. Here are three practices that will boost your sex life immeasurably.

Commit to meeting your partner’s needs
Never, ever use sex against your partner. Sex was made for you to pleasure your spouse, not punish them. When something that God created for your mutual satisfaction becomes a bargaining chip for resolving wider conflict in your marriage, its beauty becomes tainted with negative connotations. If there are difficulties in your marriage, they need to be addressed squarely rather than withholding sex to send a message to your spouse.

When you chose marriage, you chose to willingly hand over the rights you had over your body to your spouse. Your body is therefore no longer your own. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5, puts it this way, ‘In marriage neither the husband nor the wife should act as if his or her body is private property—your bodies now belong to one another, and together they are whole. So do not withhold sex from one another, unless both of you have agreed to devote a certain period of time to prayer. When the agreed time is over, come together again so that Satan will not tempt you when you are short on self-control.’

God considers sex in marriage to be so important that even when He talks about abstaining so that you can spend time with Him in prayer and fasting, He makes it clear that abstinence should be for a time-limited period and by mutual agreement. If God places priority on a consistent sex life, so should we.

Consider it an honour to meet your spouse’s needs
Satisfying sex is about mutual service and mutual satisfaction. Your chief goal in sex should be to meet your spouse’s needs; your needs should be secondary on your mind. Understanding and meeting your spouse’s sexual needs is an honourable act of service to which you have the exclusive right. Sex is what separates you from being merely friends or room-mates. Other people can do all sorts of other things to help and bless your spouse – talking to them, encouraging them, making meals for them, driving them to places, taking care of them physically – but you are the only one who can righteously meet your spouse’s sexual needs and this is not a privilege to be taken lightly.

1 Corinthians 7: 2-4 [MSG] has these powerful words to say. ‘Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.’

Seek to satisfy your spouse’s needs, rather than viewing them as a burden. There are obvious differences between men and women regarding what they want out of sex. Wives require emotional connection with their husbands in order to enjoy sex. They need to be valued, cared for and cherished and this makes them physically responsive. Men generally approach sex from a more physical angle; their need for frequent sex is as real as their need for food and a responsive wife makes them feel respected and valued. A man feels most emotionally connected to his wife after satisfying sex while his wife feels the need to connect with him emotionally by talking and this makes her ready for sex. It is tempting to brush off your spouse’s needs because that’s not what you need but focussing on your own needs will not deliver to you full satisfaction. Real satisfaction comes from serving your spouse and meeting their needs. When both partners are intent on outdoing each other in service, sex becomes as exciting as God designed it to be.

Talk about sex
Sex can be such a sensitive topic that your ability to talk about it is an indicator of how good communication generally is in your marriage. If you are able to talk about sex freely and maturely as a couple, that is probably an indicator that your communication is good. If you are unable to talk about sex at all or each time you talk about it an argument results, it is safe to say that your communication as a couple is probably not great in other areas. Sex in marriage is such an important topic that you simply cannot afford not to discuss it. Proverbs 13:17b [TLB] says, ‘…Reliable communication permits progress.’ This is true in all areas of life including your sex life as a couple. If you don’t talk about sex, you leave room for assumptions, misinformation, misunderstanding and consequently frustration.

Your spouse is not a mind-reader so don’t expect them to know what your needs are if you’re not prepared to communicate. If there are barriers to you enjoying your sex life as a couple, talk about them openly and sensitively; seeking solutions without being judgemental. When you discuss your needs and difficulties, likes and dislikes, what turns you on and what turns you off – in a mutually supportive environment – you can begin to make progress towards a deeper understanding of each other and how to get the best out of your sex life. If you’ve never done it before, choose the right moment when you’re both feeling relaxed and open up. You may be amazed at where that might lead you!

Which of these steps are you going to take this week to boost your sex life?

Will you love your spouse in ten years’ time?

Tue, 26 Jul 2016 19:21:00 GMT

You might be wondering whether this is a trick question. ‘How can I possibly know what will happen ten years from now?’ someone might ask. Yet, the very institution of marriage is founded on a promise of lifelong love. When we stand at the altar and make vows to our spouse, all too often we don’t think about the implications of the words we are saying. We are too starry-eyed, light-headed and weak-kneed to think about how far reaching the promises are which we are making to another person. ‘To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do us part’ is a very audacious promise. How do you know what ten years’ time will hold for your love for this person, let alone fifty years? How can you be so sure you will still love them that far down the road? The answer is in a short Greek word which you probably know, even if you don’t speak Greek. That word is Agápē .

Agape is unlike any other type of love in that it is not externally motivated. It is a totally spontaneous love, given without condition or prerequisites, and is not dependent on what a person does or doesn’t do. There are various types of love appropriate for different contexts but every other type of love is based on an expectation of reciprocity from the other person. Friendship love is based on an expectation that someone will be kind and friendly towards you. Sexual love has as its basis an expectation that your sexual needs will be met by your spouse. Affectionate love, the sort which exists between parents and children for instance, also possesses an element of expectation. In his book, ‘The Four Loves’ , C.S. Lewis explores this concept and makes a distinction between what he calls ‘need-love’ and ‘gift-love’ . Agape love is the one type of love that fits the gift-love description because it is a love that is totally without expectation; it is based on a desire to give, not a need to receive. This is the God-kind-of-love which is why we can never do anything to make God love us any more or any less. He loves every human being regardless of whether we love Him in return.

One of the most important qualities of Agape is that it is a love based on decision, not emotion. The fact that Agape is not dependent on how you feel at any particular moment makes it totally predictable. Predictability may not sound nearly as exciting as romance and passion but it is the stuff that enduring marriages are made of. You may be able to depend on sexual love and friendship to spice up your marriage, and we definitely need that, but Agape simply gets on with the job of loving practically, without a hint of drama. Romance and friendship is only meaningful within the atmosphere of permanence which Agape brings to your marriage. Need-based love may get you to the altar but only a giving-based love will be able to sustain you throughout a lifetime lived with another fallible human being. Agape gives 100% every time without looking at what it receives in return. There is no greater freedom than the freedom to love without being controlled by the responses of the other person.

Agape differs from the other types of love in that it is not a feeling; it is a motivation to act for the highest good of another person, whether they deserve it or not. This is a motivation that we are either free to accept or reject which is why Agape is not a feeling-love; it is a decision-love. This is the sort of motivation alluded to when Proverbs 31:12, speaking about the relationship of the Virtuous Woman with her husband, categorically states that ‘She does him good and not evil all the days of her life’. It doesn’t say she feels good about him all the days of her life; it says she does him good . Agape love is about doing, not feeling. When your actions towards your spouse become independent from your feelings, you are on the path to enduring love. Feelings are cyclical so they will come and go in waves, but your decision to love remains consistent.

Similarly, Ephesians 5:25-28 commands husbands to exercise themselves in the same sort of doing love. ‘Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church— a love marked by giving, not getting . Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.’ There is no reference here to feelings, only action. Everything a husband says and does should be motivated by his desire to bring the best out of his wife.

Agape simply means daily choosing to do good to someone whether we feel like it or not. This is an important distinction. It is an action-oriented love, based on day-by-day, moment-by-moment decisions. Every day, as you interact with your spouse, you will be faced with the Agape-choice and the need-based-choice. If you choose Agape every time, you are guaranteed to make it past the tenth, twentieth and even fiftieth wedding anniversary mark without running out of love to give. So what do we do at those moments when we really don’t feel like loving our spouse? Let’s be honest, your husband or wife is not always lovable and neither are you. The beauty of Agape love is that we don’t have to depend on our human nature to produce it. 1 John 4:7-21 makes it clear that Agape has its source in God. Basically, it is a super-human love which we all have access to when we get to know God intimately. Romans 5:5 puts it this way, ‘…God’s love has been abundantly poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.’

How refreshing to know that we can never run out of the ability to love selflessly when we depend on God. All the resources to love your spouse relentlessly through the various seasons of life have been deposited in your heart by the Holy Spirit. I pray constantly that God will give me the ability to love my husband with an action-oriented, decision-based love that never grows tired. I encourage you to do the same because that kind of love will see you through all the seasons of your marriage and you will still be going strong decades from now.

What primary school taught me about relationships

Sun, 17 Jul 2016 14:05:00 GMT

Like most adults, I must confess that I don’t remember much of what I was taught in primary school. However, there were some foundational principles I learnt which have stayed with me right into adulthood, like addition, subtraction – and one surprising principle which I learnt from a poem by a man named John Godfrey Saxe .

The poem The Blind Men and the Elephant is well known all over the world and it made a profound impact on my young mind at the age of ten. It tells the story of six blind men who encountered an elephant and were asked to describe what it was like. The first touched the side of the elephant and concluded it was like a wall; the second felt the tusk and concluded an elephant was like a spear; the third, touching the elephant’s trunk was emphatic in his view that the elephant was more like a snake; the fourth felt it’s knee and was convinced without a doubt that it was like a tree; the fifth blind man felt it’s ear and decided that an elephant was more like a fan, while the sixth running his hands along the elephant’s tail declared that it was like a rope. As you can imagine, a loud argument ensued as the six blind men debated on who was right, each secure in the validity of his own experience. The obvious answer is that they were all right; they just had different perspectives because of where they were standing.

So what does all of this have to do with transforming your relationships? One of the most important skills on which the happiness of your marriage depends is the ability to momentarily step out of your own shoes and into your spouse’s shoes; to stand where they stand and to view things from their perspective every now and then. It is a skill which is equally potent in every other human relationship. This is what empathy is all about and it’s the surprising secret that is guaranteed to transform your relationships.

Empathy is the key that unlocks the door of understanding in a relationship. It is the ability to share the feelings of another person in the moment. Until you stand where a person stands you will never see what they see and your ability to relate to them successfully will be hampered by your restricted viewpoint. The reality is that we are all seeking for understanding in this life and we experience a great deal of frustration when we feel misunderstood, especially by someone who is close to us. St Francis of Assisi demonstrated astute perceptivity of what makes relationships work when we penned the immortal words, ‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood’.

Arguments easily dissolve when we momentarily see things from the other person’s perspective because that helps us to quickly navigate towards common ground that both of us can agree on. The tendency to take up entrenched positions and a refusal to empathise with one’s spouse has been chiefly responsible for most of the divorce we see in the world today. When you convince yourself that your viewpoint is the only valid viewpoint, you leave your spouse no room to manoeuvre and every argument becomes a zero-sum game. This is how frustration settles into marriages. Conversely, when each party strenuously seeks to understand the other’s position, you no longer have a win-lose situation. Instead, we are able to extend grace to each other. We experience a profound sense of peace and satisfaction when we feel understood by those we care about and we are more willing to be flexible for their benefit.

Empathy will make a man give up his comfortable seat on the sofa after a long, hard day to put the children to bed so that his frazzled wife can catch her breath after an equally difficult day. Empathy will inspire this same wife to reach out and respond to her husband’s need for sex when she would much rather hug her pillow and sleep off the tiredness of the day. Empathy means paying attention when your spouse needs a listening ear whether you are in the mood or not; being an encourager and comforter when you have concerns of your own; listening intently to the unspoken heart-cry of your spouse and giving them what they need in the moment, not what is convenient for you. Empathy will transform your marriage from a selfish, self-centred endeavour to get your needs met at all costs to a selfless oasis from which you can both draw strength when you need it most.

I call empathy a skill because it does not come naturally to everyone but it can be learnt. Some temperaments are naturally more empathetic and emotionally attuned than others. Nevertheless, we can all learn to be more empathetic. Jesus demonstrated empathy throughout His life. The very act of God coming to earth in human form, to walk where we walk and feel what we feel, was the biggest act of empathy the world has ever known. As such, we can be confident that when we pray, God feels what we feel and responds with grace. Similarly, God challenges us to be empathetic with others. The great teaching to wives and husbands in 1 Peter 3:1-7 is aptly summarised in verse 8 as follows: ‘Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions.’

So how can you become more empathetic in your relationships? Firstly, continually ask God to help you be less self-focused and more attuned to the needs of others. Secondly, before you respond or react in any situation, ask yourself, ‘I wonder what it’s like to be in their shoes?’ Challenge yourself to walk in your spouse’s shoes this week and see how different the view is from their side. It will change your perspective in the moment but, more importantly, that is a skill that will change your marriage for life.

Do you remember reading that poem at school? Will you challenge yourself to walk in someone else’s shoes this week?

How to build trust in your relationship

Tue, 12 Jul 2016 17:58:00 GMT

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Without it, the most promising relationships falter. It sets the parameters within which an individual is willing to engage in a relationship; the greater the trust, the higher the level of engagement. You can only be truly intimate with someone you totally trust. As long as your guard is up there will always be barriers to you opening up your heart. Trust in a relationship is an empowering feeling. It gives you confidence that whatever you face in life, there is always a resting place to return to and one person you can lean on. Proverbs 31:11 describes such a relationship: ‘Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it.’ Evidently, her husband must have been trustworthy as well. A relationship in which you can trust without reserve is the foundation for an enduring marriage. Here’s how to create such a relationship.

Start slow and let it grow
Relationships will start up as low-trust, mid-trust or high-trust depending on the individuals involved. High-trust individuals tend to trust almost anyone, and as such they open themselves up to immeasurable hurt from people who take advantage of their trusting nature. Low-trust individuals can be exhausting to be around because they subconsciously assume people’s guilt until they are proven innocent. A low-trust individual will require continuous assurances and forensic evidence of their partner’s trustworthiness but this takes away the relaxed ambience that surrounds a trusting relationship. The healthiest relationships do not start up with high trust or low trust. In the words of Dr Frank Crane, ‘You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.’ Mid-trust individuals begin a relationship with the immortal words of Ronald Reagan in mind; ‘Trust, but verify’. Once they ascertain that the individual they are dealing with is trustworthy, they let go of the need to verify continuously and trust wholeheartedly. If you are unable to make the transition to high trust, the relationship will always feel like a struggle.

Take time to study your partner
Trust is not built in a day; it is the product of attentive interactions and an extended learning process which begins during courtship. It takes time to study a person, to understand their preferences and dislikes, their strengths and vulnerabilities and very importantly their expectations. What matters to one person may not matter to the next so you need to understand what really matters in the relationship you are building. Eventually you will be able to establish an agreed benchmark for your interactions which both of you will strive towards. For instance, some people like to be in touch with their loved one several times a day by phone, text, email or social media. This makes them feel secure and valued in the relationship. Some others are perfectly happy to catch up at the beginning and end of the day. Find what works for your relationship.

Keep confidences
Discretion is a powerful trust-builder. When someone bestows their trust on you, there is an unspoken expectation that what is shared with you will remain between the two of you. Your heart needs to be a safe place for your spouse to open up, knowing you will not share their weaknesses with anyone or use those weaknesses against them. In order for your spouse to feel safe with you, there must be assurance that their vulnerability will not be exploited. Train yourself to make your spouse your number one confidant. If you have a tendency to open up to people easily, you will need to discipline yourself to reserve your deepest confidences for your spouse alone. If you have developed a habit of confiding in a friend or a close relative before marriage, you will need to realise that some things are off limits once you are married. A good friend, parent or sibling will respect those boundaries. Beware of drawing others into conflict situations with your spouse unless you are speaking to a trained counsellor who can help you work towards a solution. When extended family and friends are involved in the intimate details of your relationship, it destroys trust between you and your partner, and there is a tendency to create factions and splits that don’t heal, even after you and your spouse have moved on from the issue.

Speak the truth in love
Don’t ever lie to your spouse because you fear their reaction to something. They need to be confident that what you say is how it really is. If you make a mistake, readily admit it. There is also a place for graciousness in building trust. If you frequently overreact when your spouse opens up to you, you will encourage secrecy in your relationship, so be measured in your responses. Intolerance to failure will encourage your spouse to cover up mistakes. Resist the urge to be harsh or judgemental; be understanding of your spouse’s failings. Ephesians 4:15 makes it clear that speaking the truth while balancing it with love and compassion leads to maturity. This does not mean that you say everything that crosses your mind, no matter how hurtful. It does however mean that your partner can rely on you for an honest opinion.

Keep your promises
Trust is built on reliability. Each time you sit on your favourite chair in your living room, you throw yourself into it with confidence because your chair has proved reliable over the years. If you ever attempt to sit on your chair and it collapses under you, that experience instantly affects your confidence in it. Even if you get it fixed, you will be tentative in your trust because a promise of reliability has been broken. The same applies to relationships. Your word should be your bond. Your spouse should be able to rely on you. If you constantly break your promises, no matter how small, you will train your spouse not to depend on your words. Integrity begins at home.

Trust begets trust
One sided communication produces a lopsided relationship. In order to earn trust in a relationship, you must be willing to give as well as receive information. Trusting marriages are built on shared confidences. If your spouse is continually opening up to you but you never open up to them, intimacy will be stifled in the relationship. Trust begets trust and vulnerability begets vulnerability. Demonstrate your trust for your partner by making him or her your confidante. Share your hopes and dreams, your frustrations and concerns, and pray for each other in that atmosphere of shared vulnerability. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says it all: ‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.’ The benefit of partnership is that you can share your challenges and your victories.

What do you need to do to build trust in your relationship? Let me know your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter .

Four things your wife needs from you

Mon, 04 Jul 2016 19:58:00 GMT

Women are unique and so are their needs. What you need most from your wife is not necessarily what she needs most from you. Consequently, if you express love to your wife in the way you want to receive love, her deepest needs will go unmet and you will experience frustration because it will feel like she’s not appreciative of what you’re giving. Her needs are different from yours, so your expressions of love need to be tailored to her desires, not your preferences. If someone asks you for an umbrella to shield them from the rain and you give them sunglasses because you like sunglasses, regardless of how beautiful the sunglasses are they will go unappreciated because you have not met the stated need. So it is with your wife’s needs. One of the best investments you can make in your marriage is to study your wife and understand what makes her thrive. 1 Peter 3:7 puts it this way, ‘Husbands, in the same way live with your wives knowledgeably’ . Understanding your wife’s needs and making it a priority to meet them will pay tremendous dividends in your relationship. Below are the top four needs that every wife has.

She needs your sacrificial love
One of the biggest needs a wife has is security which comes from being loved by a sacrificial husband. This is a God-given need that draws your wife to you constantly. Your wife needs to know that, after God, she comes first in your heart and life. Anything that competes with her as a priority in your life – work, friends, hobbies – will be perceived as a threat and will lead to her feeling insecure in your love. This is why the Bible likens loving your wife to laying down your life for her. No woman can resist a man who loves her sacrificially and puts her wellbeing before his, like Christ did.

There should be no doubt in your wife’s mind that you love her completely, absolutely and permanently. Tell your wife very often how much you love her and then demonstrate your love by the way you treat her. If your wife has to ask you whether you love her, there is probably something threatening her sense of security and the way to overcome that is by expressing love to her in a way she understands. What has your wife asked of you over the years? Your time, undivided attention every now and then, a listening ear, words of love, help when she’s feeling overwhelmed – whatever spells love to her should be a top priority for you. Sacrificial love is just that – sacrificial. It means you go above and beyond – like Jesus did – to be a blessing to your wife. It will sometimes cost you your comfort, energy, creativity and initiative but you will be rewarded with a content and secure wife.

She longs for open and honest communication
Women connect by talking and sharing their hearts. Your wife wants to be able to connect with you on a deep intimate level, to understand your thoughts and feelings, and to share life with you on every level. Communication is what connects your wife to your world. When you talk to your wife, she feels close to your heart and intimacy grows in your marriage. When you shut your wife out by withholding open and honest communication, intimacy is lost and she begins to feel more like a stranger than your best friend.

It is an open secret that women are frequently more verbal than their husbands and men can sometimes feel overwhelmed by their wives’ insatiable need for discussion. However, it is a wise husband that recognises that talking and sharing meets a very deep need in his wife’s life for emotional connection and commits to meeting that need. The more you talk to your wife, the more valuable she feels. She sees herself as your ally and is secure in the knowledge that you value her opinion.

Be caring and affectionate
Ephesians 5:29 encourages husbands to ‘nourish and cherish’ their wives. The word ‘nourish’ means ‘to feed to maturity’ . Your wife comes alive when you care about her spiritual, mental, emotional and physical wellbeing and you create an atmosphere where she can be her best. It is your calling as a husband to help your wife become all that God made her to be by believing in her and supporting her God-given dreams. Find out what matters to your wife; care about what she cares about. Help her bring out her God-given potentials. Don’t be her dream-breaker; be her dream-maker.

Cherishing your wife means you place a high value on her as a person. This is evident in the way you talk to her and talk about her. Women thrive in an atmosphere of caring and expressed affection. What can you do daily to show your wife that you care for her? Sometimes, it might be something as simple as holding her hand or giving her a hug for no particular reason. Some men never touch their wives unless there is sex involved and they wonder why she is unresponsive. Women crave for physical affection but for most women that does not immediately translate into sex. Frequent, non-sexual touch tells your wife that you care for her as a person, without any agenda, and it makes her feel closer to you and therefore more interested in sexual intimacy.

Show her your appreciation
Women tend to be very sacrificial. They work very hard to keep the household running smoothly and everyone fed and clothed; they bear much of the responsibility of caring for children and often hold a job outside the home in addition. They are experts at juggling many balls at the same time and making it look easy. This means that an unobservant husband can easily take for granted all that his wife does daily. Tell your wife frequently how much you appreciate everything she does for you and your children. Notice the changes she makes from time to time to make things better at home. When she makes a nice meal, don’t just wolf it down in silence. Compliment her frequently. Model appreciation for your children and teach them to be thankful for Mum.

Also, keep an eye open for when your wife is feeling overwhelmed and needs your help. Women often need help but they would much rather it was offered willingly than having to ask for it. Don’t allow your wife to get overloaded with the responsibilities of life. Lighten her load with your appreciation and by being an active contributor in the running of the home.

Be a loving leader
Women don’t want to be dominated but they do want their husbands to take the initiative in establishing a vision for the home. Women are wired to help and even before God made Eve He described her as a helper. Women are enablers; they make things happen. Your wife wants to come alongside you and fulfil a family vision but it must be clear what that vision is. She wants you to take the lead in the home spiritually, she needs you to lead in ensuring the wellbeing of your relationship, she wants to see that you have a financial plan, and she wants you to be proactive in raising your children. Don’t be a leader at work and passive at home. Leadership begins at home. Lead like Jesus did; He was firm in His convictions but empathetic to the needs of those He was leading.

Catch up on my previous article, Four things your husband needs from you.

Four things your husband needs from you

Mon, 20 Jun 2016 21:26:00 GMT

It doesn’t take an expert to know that men and women are very different. What we often don’t pay attention to is that those differences mean that what a husband needs from his wife is quite different from what a wife needs from her husband. Our tendency is to try to express love to our spouse in the way we would like to be loved. Unfortunately that is never a successful strategy. Don’t make the assumption that your husband should be satisfied because you are giving him what you want to receive from him. Here are the top four needs that every husband has.

He would rather be unloved than disrespected
Respect is huge with men. Men need love just like women do but a man can cope with not being loved much better than he can cope with not being respected. If your husband had to choose between love and respect, he would choose respect any day. There is something in the way that God wired men that makes them crave to be respected, especially by their wives. Your husband will listen for respect in your voice, look for respect in your eyes and watch your body language for respect. Any hint of disrespect makes a man close up to his wife which is one of the reasons why men never respond to nagging, even if they know their wife is right. Anything that suggests to a man that his wife feels he is incompetent, inadequate, or his judgement cannot be trusted, will draw strong resistance from him. Your husband needs to know that you admire and respect him, that you value his opinions and that you see the good in him, even when others don’t.

Use your words to communicate your respect for your husband, both in his presence and his absence. Celebrate his achievements and express your appreciation for everything he does. Also, give him permission to make mistakes. Some women act like it is their God-given mission to prevent their husband from making mistakes so they try to control his behaviour by nagging. Give your husband the freedom to make decisions and support him in those decisions. If you disagree with the choices he is making, state your reasons clearly and respectfully and then turn the matter over to God. 1 Peter 3:1-2 puts it this way, ‘In the same way, wives, you should patiently accept the authority of your husbands. This is so that even if they don’t obey God’s word, as they observe your pure respectful behaviour, they may be persuaded without a word by the way you live.’ Men are more easily persuaded by respectful behaviour than nagging words.

Prioritise his sexual needs
Most men are more sexual than their wives; only 20% of women report a higher sex drive than their husbands. This is usually one of the first shocks that newly wedded wives encounter. It is a mystery to many women why their husband desires sex so frequently, so they convince themselves that there must be something wrong with him. The reality is that your husband is perfectly normal. Some women assume that sex should only happen in a marriage when you both feel like it. If you wait until your sexual desires coincide, you will have sex infrequently because a woman’s sexual desires tend to be cyclical. This will mean that you have a very frustrated husband as the only godly way he can satisfy his sexual needs is with you.

So how should a wife respond to her husband’s sexual needs? A man’s sexuality is intrinsically linked to his self-esteem so it matters to him that his wife accepts him as he is and makes an effort to meet his needs. Rather than criticising your husband’s needs, you will take a quantum leap forward in your relationship when you deliberately begin to act more sexual than you feel. If you are pro-active about your sex life, you will be more deliberate about how you plan your days so that you are not always too exhausted to have sex. Women lead very busy lives and it is very easy to get so sucked into work, your children’s needs, church and family commitments, that you habitually have no energy left for your husband. That is a dangerous place to be in your relationship. Your husband should be your number one priority after God. If you need to reduce other commitments to be available to him, do it. Investing in your love life will pay dividends in all other areas of your marriage. Also, depending on your upbringing, you may have been programmed to think that being open about your sexual desires is not something women should do. Marital sex is a holy and beautiful thing and it boosts your husband’s self-esteem to know that you desire him sexually and are not just tolerating him.

He needs your help
As capable as your husband is, there are so many ways in which you can enrich his life and multiply his productivity. If he was self-sufficient, you would be irrelevant in his life. Remember that when God made Eve, He made her because He knew that Adam needed a helper. Your husband is well aware of the gaps in his life and every man’s hope is that his wife will be able to fill in those gaps. This means that rather than complaining about your husband’s inadequacies, you are called to compensate for them wherever you can. This is what makes a husband and wife team stronger together than either of them would have been apart. You each have your strengths and weaknesses. When you both compensate for each other rather than competing with each other, the true beauty of marriage becomes apparent.

Study your husband. Where can you step in and help him make things happen without making a fuss? Partner with him to create a well-managed, peaceful home environment that you can both enjoy. A restful home environment is a shelter from the pressures of the world and will help him stay productive and focused.

He needs your encouragement and support
Your husband needs your encouragement and support to be able to fulfil His God-given purpose. There is something about a supportive wife that gives her husband renewed energy whenever he faces difficult situations in life. In sport, ‘home advantage’ relates to the advantage sporting teams have when they play in their home territory with their loyal fans cheering them on. This gives them the added impetus to play well and win because they are surrounded by fans who believe in them. You should be your husband’s greatest fan, giving him that ‘home advantage’ and believing in him when nobody else does.

Support your husband with your words, actions and prayers. Let him know that you will always be there to support him and that you will always be loyal to him, in his presence and in his absence. You will have your husband’s heart and confidence when he knows he can trust you to always be on his side, no matter what life throws at him.

What to do when you are no longer in love with your spouse

Mon, 20 Jun 2016 21:14:00 GMT

I listened intently knowing that he was about to drop a bombshell. There was strained silence at the other end of the phone line as he struggled to articulate the words. Then he blurted out, ‘The truth of the matter is I am no longer in love with my wife’ . He sighed in resignation, or possibly relief that he had finally voiced to someone what had been in his heart for months.

The genesis of this problem is not far-fetched. We have been sold a lie by the media about the character and nature of true love. Consequently, people spend their lives in search of their ‘soulmate’ – the ideal person who will light all their fires, excite them endlessly and complete them perfectly with no conflict in sight. They expect that when they finally fall in love with this mythical person, all doubts will disappear, it will be perfectly clear that they are meant for each other and they will never experience a moment of ‘ordinariness’ with that person for the rest of their lives. They anticipate that loving their soulmate will be always exciting, always energizing, and always perfect. They fall in love with the feeling of being ‘in love’ – the headiness, the highs, and the hopeful aspirations. Then they get married and after several months or years their world comes crashing down because their ‘soulmate’ does not seem to fit them so perfectly after all.

At this point there are three choices. Some people come to the erroneous conclusion that they made a mistake marrying their spouse and become convinced that the only way to happiness is to leave their spouse and go in search of love again. Others resign themselves to the reality of a loveless marriage and simply hang in there for the social status, for the kids or for financial reasons. But there is a third way, God’s way, and that’s where I want us to focus our attention.

We need to make a distinction between the concept of being ‘in love’ as Hollywood has portrayed it and the reality of what love really is. It is normal for relationships to start off with emotional highs. However, if we attempt to draw upon emotion as the strength of marriage, we will fail miserably because emotion can be so fickle. Emotions cannot sustain a marriage because the very nature of emotions is that they are inconsistent and totally unpredictable. One thing that is predictable though is decision. The kind of love that sustains a marriage is not an emotion over which you have no control; it is a decision over which you have total control. At some stage in marriage, we have to make a switch from an emotion-driven commitment to a decision-driven commitment. When you are decisive about loving your spouse, it doesn’t matter how you feel when you wake up in the morning because you have decided to give unconditional love regardless. This is the foundation for a lasting marriage.

Someone may be wondering, ‘Does this mean that I am sentenced to an unsatisfactory marriage for the rest of my life?’ Absolutely not. In Revelation 2:4-5a God gives a clear picture of what happens when people lose their first love for Him and how to recapture it. The lessons are equally applicable in marital relationships. Hear Him, ‘You have left the love you had in the beginning. So remember where you were before you fell. Change your hearts and do what you did at first.’ I see four key principles for rekindling love in this scripture.

How have you changed?
The phrase, ‘You have left’ , suggests that when you fall out of love, it is usually because something has changed in you. The tendency is to blame your changed feelings on your spouse but usually what is really happening is that you have changed the way you view your spouse. The first step towards rekindling love is to take responsibility for your feelings rather than blaming your spouse. Thoughts like, ‘I would love her more if she started meeting my needs’ or ‘The reason why I no longer love my husband is because he hurt me’ is indicative that you have entered the blame cycle. You place expectations on your spouse, they fail to meet those expectations, and you blame them for it and consequently refuse to meet their needs. This is a vicious cycle which squeezes the love out of marriages. Thinking, ‘My marriage will change when my spouse changes’ is a disempowering thought as you have no control over your spouse’s behaviour. When you start thinking, ‘My marriage will change because I am becoming more loving, more caring and more responsive’ , then you are suddenly back in control and that changes the atmosphere of your home.

Remember where you were
The next step towards rekindling lost love is remembering how your relationship started and why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. Very often the cares of life rob us of our beautiful memories and we forget the strengths that attracted us to our spouse in the first place. The reality is that those strengths are still in your spouse but you need to remind yourself of what they are. Remember how convinced you were that your spouse was a gift from God. Rather than using your memory to recollect your spouse’s failures, use it to recapture the good times and focus on restoring the relationship to its former beauty. Your spouse is still the same person you fell in love with so refuse to allow your current conflicts to cloud your perspective. You can recover what was lost.

Change your heart
The reason why you fell in love in the first place is because your heart was open to your spouse. Feeling that you are no longer in love is usually evidence that you have closed your heart. To open your heart to your spouse again you will need to begin to view him or her from a positive perspective. Usually, when we get close to someone we begin to notice their faults and weaknesses which we never saw in the early stages of the relationship. Focusing on your spouse’s shortcomings is deadly to your relationship because that is what convinces people that they have made a mistake. I like a quote from Benjamin Franklin which I read many years ago, ‘Keep your eyes wide open before you get married; and half shut afterwards’ . We all have weaknesses but successful marriages are built by people who can look past their spouse’s faults, see their strengths, and celebrate them.

Do what you did
You can recapture the feelings you had for your spouse by doing the things you did when you first fell in love. When we first fall in love we are extremely in tune with our partner, attentive to their every need and actively pursuing their wellbeing. When we begin to settle into the relationship and start taking our spouse for granted, decline sets in. Begin again to treat your spouse with kindness. Focus on meeting their needs rather than getting your needs met. Do the fun things you used to do together when you first met. You may not feel like it initially but as you begin to treat your spouse right, your feelings will catch up later.

What do you need to do today to rekindle the love in your marriage?

Why couples really fight over money

Tue, 07 Jun 2016 19:45:00 GMT

Money is mentioned in most reputable surveys as one of the top three reasons why people divorce. Often, the assumption is that it is a lack of money that causes money related quarrels in a family. However, most of the time what causes couples to disagree on money is not so much the lack or even abundance of it, but how it is spent. When a couple does not see eye to eye on how to dispense their shared resources, whether scarce or plentiful, that is always going to be a flashpoint in their relationship.

The key question is this, ‘What shapes our spending patterns?’ The reality is that our spending reflects our values. We spend on what we respect. Money means different things to different people and the meaning we attach to money is the most significant influencer of how we spend it. The old saying goes, ‘Money talks’ , but understanding what it says uniquely to you and your spouse will help you eliminate potential money conflicts in your marriage.

Dr. Kenneth Doyle, a financial psychologist with the University of Minnesota carried out a study of money attitudes which indicated that there are four basic ‘money languages’ which people speak. Our specific money language strongly influences how we like to spend money because, knowingly or unknowingly, we use money to express ourselves. We feel good when we are able to spend money in a manner that is congruent with our values and we feel uncomfortable, or even threatened, when we are unable to do so. Consequently, if we perceive anyone, including our spouse, as standing between us and our ability to express our values through our money, we have a tendency to over-react if we are not careful. Unsurprisingly, it is rare for couples to have the same money language so the potential for conflict becomes obvious. Have a look at the four money languages below and see whether you can identify yourself and your spouse.

Significance
Dr. Doyle identified the first group of people as ‘Drivers’ . A driver is someone for whom money means significance. Having money protects drivers against the fear of incompetence and the more money they have, the more competent and successful they feel. Drivers demonstrate their love for others through the good their money is able to do in the lives of others. It is important to a driver that they are able to provide a good lifestyle for their family. The greatest weakness of this group is their overdependence on money for self-esteem. They feel a deep sense of inadequacy when they lack money. They can also be somewhat materialistic in their assessment of others, subconsciously rating people’s significance on the basis of their financial status. Drivers would benefit from an acknowledgment that every financial blessing comes from God. This will help them ascribe all the credit to Him, not themselves, and to wholeheartedly respect others for who they are regardless of their financial status.

Security
‘Analytics’ are people who view money as a source of security to protect them from life’s difficulties. They tend to be very structured and organised in their approach to money and are the most likely to establish a budget and stick to it. Analytics tend to be savers and they feel more in control of their lives when they have money stored away for eventualities. Analytics are more concerned about securing the future than enjoying the present and they show their love for their family by saving and planning for the future. They can sometimes come across as being insensitive to the immediate needs of others and even to the voice of God in money matters as they find it difficult to entertain any deviation from their predefined money-agenda for anything they have not planned for. Analytics need to understand that God is their ultimate security, and to learn to depend on Him as their source and protection.

Love
The third group Doyle identified are ‘Amiables’ . As the name suggests, money means love to the Amiable . Relationships and people are the focus of their financial agenda. Money is seen as a means of expressing love and affection to others. Consequently, Amiables feel like a lack of money to spend on others threatens their ability to express affection. They delight in spending money on treats and surprises for others. The downside of Amiables’ kindness and generosity is that they are often poor money managers who engage in very little, if any, long-term financial planning. They would empty their bank accounts at the drop of a hat to relieve someone else’s financial burden, sometimes at the expense of their own family. Amiables need a good dose of financial wisdom from the book of Proverbs to help them steward their God-given resources more carefully.

Acceptance
‘Expressives’ are people for whom money translates into acceptance and respect. Subconsciously they feel like money earns them the admiration of others. Expressives are often connectors and money to them provides a basis for relationships with people they want to be connected to. They tend to believe that money can solve most problems and open most doors. They are the ones most likely to pick up the bill for everyone else at a restaurant, whether or not they can afford it, because they like the feeling of respect and popularity that comes with spending money on others. The downside to this approach is that they have a tendency to try to buy favour and also feel like their acceptance with others is threatened by a lack of money. Expressives need to understand that their ultimate acceptance comes from God and His favour cannot be bought. This will free them from trying too hard to impress others.

What to do about money differences with your spouse
Chances are that you and your spouse have different money languages and this is why couples tend to fight over money. An Amiable may want to spend today building memories with an enjoyable family holiday while the analytical partner wants to save that money for a future rainy day. Or a Driver wants to send their children to the best and most expensive schools while the Expressive wants to spend money on their extended family. Conflicting values lead to conflicting desires.

The important thing to remember is that there is something positive to learn from all the money languages but there are also inherent weaknesses in all of them. If you and your spouse had the same money language, you would have the same weaknesses so you should breathe a sigh of relief if you are completely different. Differences introduce balance into marriage and with understanding they can be a source of strength. Here are some steps you can take to ensure harmony in how you and your spouse handle finances:

What changes do you need to make to avoid the weaknesses of your money language? How can you adapt to your spouse’s money language?

Three questions to ask before marrying someone

Thu, 26 May 2016 19:31:00 GMT

Choosing to marry someone is potentially the most important decision you can make in your life, next to the decision to commit your life to Christ. It is such an important decision with far-reaching consequences that you need to proactively seek as much information as possible to be able to make the right decision. Often the only question we think to ask ourselves when assessing a potential mate is ‘Am I in love?’ That’s obviously a very important question but it is by no means the most important question. Marriage is not just about feelings; it is also about outcomes and how your life will turn out if you marry this person.

In my article, ‘Before you say “I do”’ , I explored five important things to consider in making the decision of whom to marry. In this post, we explore three of the less obvious questions which you might not think to ask in the midst of the heady emotions of falling in love, but which will significantly affect the quality of your marriage.

Where are they heading?
Life is a journey and one is the greatest blessings of that journey is to have someone to walk with. Someone with whom you can share the sights and sounds, twists and turns, triumphs and challenges, of the journey. Many people fear walking the journey of life alone. Without someone to share life with, undoubtedly it can get lonely at times. Nevertheless, regardless of how unsatisfactory a solitary walk might seem to you, there is something much more difficult than walking solo and that is attempting to walk with someone who has a different destination in mind. Amos 3:3 asks a rhetorical question. ‘Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?’ Knowing where your companion is going and whether their chosen destination agrees with yours is crucial to you completing your journey on schedule and in peace. Couples who compromise on this principle usually pay a high price in marital disharmony and it takes skilful counselling to diffuse the resultant tensions and get them on track and in agreement.

If you are considering someone for marriage, don’t relate superficially with the aim to impress. Invest time and intentional effort in getting to know how they think and where they see their life heading. What understanding do they have about the purpose of their life and where do they see themselves in 10 or 20 years? Can you fit into that picture and can they fit into yours? There is nothing more effective at derailing your life purpose than marrying someone who does not believe in it. When you choose to marry someone, you are not just inviting them to share your life; you are making a statement of common purpose. It’s amazing how few couples actually discuss things that matter during courtship. Some couples arrive at the altar without having discussed issues as fundamental as what type of vocation they will pursue, where they will live, how many children they plan to have and when, where they will worship as a family and so on. Consequently, they begin to fight over these issues within the first few months of marriage because they based their union on assumptions. Don’t leave anything to chance; ask, discuss and agree. Prior agreement before marriage is a major key to peace in the first years of marriage. If agreement is impossible, better to walk away than to hitch yourself to someone who is walking a different journey from yours.

Whose voice do they respect?
Among the most profound influences in our lives are the people we respect. These are the voices we turn to when we need counsel or want to make a decision. The company we choose to keep and the voices we respect are a strong indicator of our level of thinking. The people we allow to speak into our lives can be a force for good to guide us towards God’s purpose or they can actually distract us from what is best for us. Be aware that when you’re having an argument with someone, you’re not just arguing with them; you’re arguing with the influences in their life. You don’t just marry the person; you marry the influences speaking into their lives. Thinking of marrying someone? Do you know which voices they are listening to? Whose voice do they trust and respect? Who is speaking into their life?

For a friendship to thrive there must be common ground. It is a fair assumption that a person who associates closely with people who place little value on marriage probably places little value on marriage. A person who is sold out to God will not build his or her inner circle out of lukewarm Christians or people who disdain God. A rebellious person will enjoy the company of other rebels. This is why it is so crucial to meet the friends and key influencers in the life of anyone you are planning to get married to. Our close associations tell the story of our state of mind and heart and where we will end up in life. Proverbs 13:20 makes a clear statement on the impact of associations. ‘Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.’ Before you marry someone, observe who they hang out with and who they feel relaxed around. More than anything they tell you, their associations are an accurate reflection of their true spiritual state.

Do we have similar values?
Everyone was created to care deeply about something and what you care about may mean nothing to someone else. We all live by a set of guiding values, consciously or unconsciously, and we live out those values daily. Our values influence our behaviour and attitudes and predetermine how we will respond in a particular set of circumstances. They not only determine how we view life; they also define how we want to do life. Our priorities flow out of our values. Think about the following words – integrity, healthy living, accomplishment, education, creativity, generosity, adventure, service, compassion, sacrifice. Each of those words probably conjures an image in your mind of one person for which it is a core value. People identify us by our values because they are so integral to who we are. Do you know what your core values are? What are the things you cannot compromise on if you are to stay true to yourself? Do those values match the values of the person whom you are considering marrying? If not, you might be storing up unnecessary conflict for the future. To expect that you will have shared values with someone simply because you are in love with them is a dangerous assumption.

It is more than likely that you will marry someone with a different personality from you and those differences can be advantageous. I share more about that in ‘Opposites Attract’ . However, marrying someone with radically different core values means that one of you will be forced to compromise on some core ideals in order for the relationship to work. Picture, for example, the potential conflicts that would play out between a man who values adventure and wants to travel to and live in distant parts of the worlds and a woman who values security and likes the comfort of familiar surroundings and wants to live close to her extended family. That is clearly a conflict waiting to erupt. Neither of those values is wrong in itself but the lack of congruence will demand a level of compromise if the two are to be happy together. Marrying someone who shares similar values with you, or can empathise and adjust to your values, is fundamental to achieving a harmonious union together.

What other questions do you think are important before saying ‘I do’? Leave me a comment on Facebook or Twitter .

Does marriage still work?

Sat, 14 May 2016 13:36:00 GMT

Statistically speaking, there are more divorces now than at any other time in recorded history. It is estimated that in some countries like the US and UK, one in every two marriages fail. No one in their right minds would enlist for major surgery with a doctor who has a 50% success rate; neither would you enlist the help of a solicitor who has a 50% success rate if you have a serious case in court. So does marriage still work or has it now become a failed system? The good news is you have a 100% chance of having a successful marriage if you do it God’s way. God created marriage and He never creates broken systems. The reason why so many marriages don’t work today is not because marriage doesn’t work; it’s because we don’t know how to work marriage.

Marriage works when we do it God’s way. The fact that everyone else around you is failing at marriage doesn’t mean you have to. You don’t have to be a statistic. You can buck the trend and confound the statisticians. People fail in marriage not because they don’t have what it takes; they fail in marriage for two reasons: they don’t know what it takes or they are not prepared to do what it takes. When both parties approach marriage God’s way, it works – every time. God did not create a broken system or institution. We have tried to redefine it our way and that’s what’s not working. When we realign ourselves with God’s purpose and principles for marriage, we enlist ourselves for unqualified success at it.

Believe in marriage
Every now and then I come across people who have lost all faith in marriage, either due to a difficult experience they have had or the experience of someone close. They have become cynical, defeatist and negative in their approach towards their marriage or marriage in general. Some people, in order to minimise their risk, opt for living together first to ‘test-run’ their relationship. The difficulty with that approach is that there really is no test-run for commitment. You either are, or you aren’t, which is why couples who live together before marriage have a 30% higher divorce rate than those who don’t. If you don’t have any faith in marriage, living together before marriage will not increase your chances of succeeding at it.

Your expectation will determine your experience. Negative expectations produce negative results so if you don’t expect to succeed at marriage, you are already defeated before you start. Let me reiterate, regardless of the horror stories which may have put you off marriage or made you lose faith in it, you can succeed at marriage if you commit to approaching it from God’s perspective. Believing in marriage will give you the impetus to do what it takes to succeed at it because we only really invest our efforts where we believe we will find success. Don’t let fear get the better of you. What happened to your mother, sister, uncle or friend in marriage does not have to happen to you. You can stop the cycle of marital failure by rekindling your faith in marriage. Picture yourself with the marriage of your dreams and tell yourself, ‘It is possible!’

Make the Word of God the final authority in your marriage
God came up with the idea of marriage in the first place so He knows how it is designed to work. To have the best of marriage, you must commit to making the word of God the final authority in your marriage; not your opinions, or the opinions of others; not your emotions; not what you watch on TV; not what your friends or family say; but what God’s word says. There’s nothing wrong with listening to advice but any advice that contravenes God’s word will not deliver to you the marriage of your dreams. God’s word has to dictate our attitudes and actions in marriage if we want God’s blessings on our marriage.
What makes a marriage a Christian marriage is not that the partners bear the title ‘Christian’ ; it is that they are both determined to follow God’s instructions for marriage. Jesus asked a piercing question in Luke 6:46, ‘What good is it to mouth the words, “Lord! Lord!” if you don’t live by My teachings?’ There’s a world of difference between accepting Jesus as Saviour and accepting Him as Lord. When we receive Him as Lord, we acknowledge that He is our Master and can call the shots in our lives. Our claims don’t validate our Christianity; only our obedience does. Jesus goes further to make a distinction between people who build on His word and those who don’t. Hear Him.

‘ What matters is that you come to Me, hear My words, and actually live by them. If you do that, you’ll be like the man who wanted to build a sturdy house. He dug down deep and anchored his foundation to solid rock. During a violent storm, the floodwaters slammed against the house, but they couldn’t shake it because of solid craftsmanship. [It was built upon rock .] On the other hand, if you hear My teachings but don’t put them into practice, you’ll be like the careless builder who didn’t bother to build a foundation under his house. The floodwaters barely touched that pathetic house, and it crashed in ruins in the mud.’

Notice that both houses encountered the same storm but the outcomes were dramatically different because of the disparity in foundations. It goes to show that storms don’t destroy marriages; they only reveal what the marriage is made of. I love the part where Jesus says the storm couldn’t shake the house. He didn’t just say it didn’t – He said it couldn’t . No storm is strong enough to destroy a marriage built on God’s word. The storm may try your marriage but you will come out stronger than ever if you have a word-foundation.

Someone may be thinking, ‘Well my spouse is not doing things God’s way. Why should I?’ For a moment, forget about what your spouse is or is not doing and honestly ask yourself, ‘Which category do I fall into as I build my marriage? Am I building to last?’ When you approach your marriage from the platform of God’s word, it puts you in a strong position to ask for God’s intervention. If you know what to do but don’t do it because your spouse is not playing their part, you place yourself in a more vulnerable position because you have no grounds to stand on when you approach God. God’s way always works in the end so commit to it and give Him the opportunity to work in your marriage.

Do you need to rekindle your faith in marriage? What practical steps will you take to begin building your marriage upon God’s word?

What is your family vision?

Sun, 08 May 2016 19:01:00 GMT

When God created Adam and Eve, He had a vision of a couple who would tend to His creation, multiply it and maximize its potential. Genesis 1; 27-28a (AMP) explains God’s purpose. ‘So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it [using all its vast resources in the service of God and man]…”’ God made Adam and Eve trustees of His estate and He expected them to take that responsibility seriously. When God brought Amram and Jochebed together, He had a vision that they would birth and raise a deliverer, a prophetess and a priest – Moses, Miriam and Aaron. When God brought Joseph and Mary together, His purpose was that they would shape the earthly life of the Saviour of the world. What an awesome assignment. History is replete with inspiring stories of couples whom God worked through to bring blessing to our world. Our world is a better place because of couples like William and Catherine Booth who pioneered the Salvation Army, Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King, and Bill and Melinda Gates. Yet, for every famous couple, there are millions of unsung heroes, couples who are quietly but surely shaping our world for the better in their own unique way.

Are you a visionary family?

Your life endeavours as husband and wife must have an eternal dimension to it if your life together is to be meaningful. If the only reason why you married was to have your needs met, you have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. Marriage is designed to exponentially increase your impact and influence in this life. Ecclesiastes 4:9 boldly declares that ‘Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the results can be much better.’ Every family should possess a compelling vision of how they will make the world a better place, otherwise life is meaningless. There is a world of difference between ambition and vision. You don’t really have a vision if your life together is all about you. If your life goals are all centered on yourself and your immediate family, all you have is an ambition, not a vision. A vision is always other-centered. You were created for more than just yourself. Your family has a much higher purpose than just survival and self-preservation. You were brought together as a team to make our world a better place in your own way.

If all your family goals are focussed on what you want to accomplish for your family, you are too inwardly focussed and your significance in this world will be diminished. Ambition is all about ‘What?’ ; what you want to be, do or have. Vision gives all of that a meaning, a ‘Why?’; Why do you want those things and who will they benefit? Your family is not really blessed until it begins to bless someone else. The key is to look beyond your immediate family and consider how your family can impact your world. Encourage your children to see that there is more to life than personal benefit. Help them see themselves as pivotal in God’s agenda for your church, your community, your nation and our world. Our world owes its greatest progress to people who have been able to look beyond themselves and make a difference in someone else’s life.

An inspirational family

I am continually inspired by the lives of Richard and Kemi, missionaries whom we have had the privilege of being connected with since the inception of their ministry. Richard trained as a lawyer and Kemi as a management professional. In 2008, they uprooted their family from the United Kingdom to Port Elizabeth, South Africa, with a vision to reach out to orphaned, abandoned and vulnerable children in poverty-ravaged communities in Africa. Eight years later, against countless odds and through many challenges, they operate from 9 House of Wells Enrichment Centres in South Africa and Zimbabwe; feeding, training and inspiring young, vulnerable children. Their family vision has changed the lives of over a thousand children. We may not all be called to move halfway across the globe in order to fulfil our family vision. However, we all are called to make some positive contribution which our world will remember when we are gone. What will our world remember your family for? What will your family legacy be?

Choose a visionary partner

If you are currently unmarried, one of the cardinal issues you should explore with a prospective spouse is what their vision is and how that fits with what you believe God wants you to achieve with your life. One of the quickest ways to derail your destiny is to marry someone who does not believe in your God-given vision. It goes without saying that a husband and wife must agree on what their family’s peculiar contribution to our world will be. A family vision must be a shared vision. Two divergent visions within the home will only lead to di-vision and a divided home cannot stand. You and your spouse will probably pursue different careers in life but there must be a meeting point at which all your efforts converge to help our world. There is exponential impact at the fingertips of a couple who knows how to work together in harmony to fulfil God’s vision. If you have never thought about what unique contribution your family will make to our world, this is your opportunity to talk about it, talk to God about it and seek a meaning higher than yourselves. Our world will be a better place for it.

Have you articulated a family vision? If not, why not take some time to consider how God wants you to make this world a better place.

Eliminating the four predictors of divorce from your marriage

Sun, 08 May 2016 16:47:00 GMT

What are the signs of a couple likely to end up divorced and what can be done to turn the marriage around? In a study of newlywed couples, Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s foremost marriage researchers, discovered four patterns of communication which enabled him to predict divorce with 94% accuracy. By observing couples in his lab while they tried to resolve an ongoing disagreement Dr Gottman found that couples which frequently demonstrated four negative characteristics: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling in their communication were more likely to end up divorced. He found these patterns to be so powerful that he named them ‘the four horsemen of the Apocalypse’ . It’s important to note that falling into any of these behaviours occasionally does not mean that a marriage is doomed to failure. However, if you find that these four characteristics have become habitual in your interactions with your spouse, something needs to be done to arrest them so that you can preserve your marriage. Even the most harmonious marriages experience conflict. It is not the incidence of conflict but rather how it is handled that determines the failure or success of a marriage. Let’s look closely at these negative patterns and how to eliminate them.

Criticism
Habitually criticising your partner is very different from occasionally raising concerns about your partner’s behaviour and how it affects you. We are all human so your partner cannot meet your every expectation 100% of the time. There is nothing wrong with identifying when your spouse’s behaviour causes you difficulty and helping your partner see how you feel about that specific behaviour. The problem arises when your communication becomes a personal attack on your spouse’s character. There’s a world of difference between saying, ‘I feel worried when you don’t call to tell me you will be late from work. I thought we agreed that we would keep each other informed when we are running late.’ and ‘You are so selfish and inconsiderate. You never think about how your behaviour affects other people. Is it too much to ask for you to call me and let me know when you will be late? You just don’t care enough, do you?’ The difference is very clear; the first is an expression of concern while the second is an assassination of character. When you attack your partner’s character, it makes them feel hurt, rejected and assaulted. It attaches the negative characteristic to them, communicating that that is how you see them as a person. Criticism expresses discontent with your partner as a person, not just the behaviour they have displayed.

One of the simplest ways to eliminate damaging criticism from your marriage is to start your statements with ‘I’ rather than ‘You’ . Starting with ‘I’ helps you take responsibility for your feelings when you express discontent whereas starting with ‘You’ will almost always come across as an attack. Sentences beginning with ‘You’ almost automatically make people’s defences go up. ‘I felt hurt when you…’ is always more productive than saying ‘You hurt me when you…’ The difference is subtle but it can make the difference between your partner acknowledging your feelings and defending themselves rather than listening. Another pattern to avoid is using the words ‘never’ and ‘always’ when talking about your spouse’s behaviour. ‘Never’ and ‘always’ have such an air of finality about them that they suggest that your spouse is perpetually wrong. When you tell your spouse, ‘You never have dinner ready on time’ or ‘You always forget our anniversary’ , it negates all the positive things they have done in the past and suggests they can’t satisfy you because they can’t do right in your eyes.

Contempt
When criticism is frequently used in your conversation with your spouse, it is usually not long before it degenerates into an attitude of contempt and disgust which seeps into your conversations. Contempt is simply viewing your partner with disrespect to the point where you begin to see yourself as being superior. It is a result of focussing on negative thoughts about your partner’s weaknesses for so long that you become blind to their strengths. Contempt expresses itself verbally through sarcasm, cynicism, mockery, verbal abuse, ridicule and hostile humour, as well as through non-verbal signs of disapproval like eye-rolling, head-shaking, hissing and sighing.

Picture a situation where your spouse accidentally backs into a pole while reversing out of a parking bay. If your response is to shake your head in disbelief and mutter, ‘What kind of person does not know that they should check their blind spots while reversing?’ you are succumbing to an attitude of contempt. The implication is that you are somehow superior because you would never make such a mistake. Contempt needs to be actively replaced with acceptance and respect for your partner. Cultivate an atmosphere of fondness and admiration in your home. Your spouse may not be as good as you at some things but he or she is bound to be very good at others so celebrate their strengths and minimise their weaknesses.

Defensiveness
We are all prone to being defensive when we face contemptuous behaviour. It is always easier to come up with excuses than to admit that we blew it, so we search for reasons to justify our behaviour rather than taking responsibility for it. Defensiveness escalates when, not only do we advance excuses for our behaviour, but we go a step further and blame our spouse for making us act that way. Picture Adam and Eve in the garden. Defensiveness is simply a subtle way of telling your spouse, ‘I’m not the one with a problem here; you are!’ Unfortunately, defensiveness does not solve anything; it only causes the problem to escalate further.

Let’s say that you normally pay the telephone bill but for some reason you forgot. A few weeks later you receive an angry demand letter threatening to cut off your service. When your spouse asks what happened, you have the option of explaining, ‘Sorry I forgot. I was so busy during that period.’ A defensive response would be, ‘You knew I was too busy to remember. Why did you not do it for me or remind me?’ Turning the tables on your spouse will not make the problem go away so simply accept responsibility, apologise and move on. The other side to defensiveness is that we should learn to be graceful about our spouse’s mistakes. If your spouse knows that you will be accepting of his or her errors, they will be more likely to take responsibility than to shift blame.

Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner becomes so overwhelmed by the negativity created by criticism, contempt and defensiveness that they literally switch off from interacting with their spouse. When a spouse begins to ‘stonewall’ in an interaction, they will ignore their partner, refuse to respond, turn away or simply act like they’re busy doing something else. They might even say that they are not prepared to discuss a particular topic again, even though the matter is unresolved. Stonewalling is most often used by the less-verbal partner in the marriage, typically the man, and this habitually evasive behaviour and unresponsiveness makes his wife even angrier.

Evading a problem is like burying your head in the sand because the problem does not go away. Difficult issues in your marriage need to be confronted and dealt with in a manner that is satisfactory to both parties. If you need to take a break from a discussion to calm down, by all means do so. Agree with your spouse that you will both take at least half an hour to calm down. During that period refuse to focus on negativity; do something calming and soothing and then resume the conversation in a reasonable fashion. Talk through your issues calmly, focussing on resolution, not vindication. There’s no point in winning the argument if you lose your marriage in the process. These destructive communication patterns can be replaced with positive, healthy communication which will enhance your marriage.

Which of these four predictors do you need to eliminate from your home? What practical steps are you going to take to improve the way you communicate with your spouse?

Why domestic abuse is never right

Sat, 07 May 2016 14:11:00 GMT

It was just after midnight and I settled into bed anticipating a good night’s sleep after a very busy day. The street light outside the window illuminated the curtains in our bedroom and created pretty patterns on the wall. As I closed my eyes and began to drift off, I heard voices raised in argument coming from the street below. I got up and padded to the window, peeping out to see what the noise was about. She was a pretty, twenty-something-year-old blonde and from the way she was dressed she was probably on her way from a party with the young man she was arguing with. I couldn’t hear what the argument was about but just as I was about to turn and head back to bed, I heard a sickening crash. His slap flung her against the rubbish bins outside the house in front of which they were standing. As she fell to the ground screaming, he followed on with one kick and then another and then turned abruptly to walk up the street.

I stared transfixed at her weeping figure, wondering whether to call the police…then she began to call out his name. She scrambled to her feet, high heels in hand and began to follow him down the road, calling his name as she hobbled along. He turned briefly, looked at her with palpable disgust and just kept walking…and she kept following. As she disappeared out of sight, I was shaken…astounded, not only by the cruelty of a man who could hit a lady but also by a lady who would not turn around and walk away permanently from such an abusive situation. It was possibly not the first time it had happened. It was likely she did not believe she deserved any better…

A silent cancer
Domestic abuse is a silent cancer that affects untold numbers of homes. Statistics suggest that as many as 1 in 4 women will be affected by domestic abuse in their lifetime. Equally surprising is that while 85% of victims are women, at least 15% percent are men. A recent BBC News report of the killing of solicitor David Edwards by his wife, Sharon, catalogues a history of her bullying and beating him throughout their two-year relationship, including a beating which gave him a black eye for their wedding. For me, this particular story destroyed the stereotype of domestic abuse victims. He was a man and a solicitor who could have seen his wife prosecuted for her abuse, yet he felt powerless to stop it until he paid for his inaction with his life. For every David Edwards out there who never lived to tell the story, there are countless women suffering the incredible pain of abuse, intimidation and fear in the hands of a partner. Even more troubling is that the worst form of collateral damage in an abusive relationship is often the children who grow up in abusive environments and are severely traumatised by it; the very children the woman seeks to protect by keeping silent in the first place, even when her life is endangered.

Domestic abuse in the Church
One of the surprising things about domestic abuse is that not only does it cross racial, ethnic and social boundaries; it also surfaces in ‘Christian’ homes and is often downplayed by the Church. We deny that the problem exists or we blame the victim for provoking the abuse and try to encourage them to modify their behaviour in order to avoid being abused. What we fail to acknowledge is the fact that in any abusive situation, the abuser should bear the responsibility, not the abused. Nobody deserves to be abused and there can be no justification for it whatsoever. Our commitment to the sanctity and permanence of marriage should not lead us down the route of excusing abusive behaviour simply to keep a marriage physically intact. God hates divorce but He also hates marital violence as the scriptures make clear in Malachi 2:16 (AMP), ‘For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate].’

If we are honest, a lot of the time we turn a blind eye because the problems created by domestic abuse and attempts to help the victim are too complex, so we try to wish the problem away. We forget that Jesus always stood up for the oppressed and as a Church it is our responsibility to reach into such situations and minister healing and hope. There is nothing in the teachings of scripture that could ever suggest that domestic abuse is even remotely acceptable. Ephesians 5:25, 28-29 is unequivocal in challenging men to love their wives sacrificially. ‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church…’ When a man recognises his wife as being, in a sense, his own body, it becomes fairly obvious that abusing her is a senseless act of self-violation.

Busting the myths
There are countless myths about domestic abuse which make it difficult for victims to find the help they need. Possibly the most insidious myth is that being a ‘good wife’ will prevent a woman from being abused. The reality is that violence is like an addiction and a violent man will find something to react negatively to, regardless of how ‘good’ his wife is. Furthermore, domestic abuse is really not a consequence of provocation because the same man may be provoked by his boss or a work colleague but he does not respond by beating them up. Furthermore, contrary to popular belief that abuse is a result of ‘anger issues’ , most domestic abuse is systematic and premeditated, not a momentary loss of self-control due to anger. We all feel angry from time to time but we do not assault another person because of that. Anger is a normal feeling which we learn to control; physical violence is not normal behaviour in response to anger. One further myth is that domestic abuse will not reoccur if the perpetrator is apologetic. Often, the violent partner seeks to control the victim by switching between being charming and apologetic one moment and violent the next. This often creates confusion in his wife who loves the good side of him and sincerely hopes this time will be the last time. The reality is that once domestic abuse becomes a frequent pattern, it never ends spontaneously without outside intervention.

Don’t ignore warning signals
If you are in a relationship with someone and you are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, don’t ignore it. Marriage will not make it better; it is guaranteed to make it worse. It is a misguided belief that violent behaviour is evidence that a man loves you deeply. Violence is dysfunctional behaviour and regardless of how charming or wonderful a man can be at times, any signs of violent behaviour in a courtship are only a tip of the iceberg of what he’s capable of. Most women who end up married to abusive partners confess that they saw the signs before marriage but chose to ignore them. You deserve to be loved, cherished and protected by your husband. Don’t sell yourself short by marrying someone who does not treat you with the tender care and respect which scripture commands.

What to do if you’re a victim
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, it can be a scary situation. Many women choose to stay silent in such situations for various reasons; to protect their children, because they are financially dependent, or even for fear of reprisal if they choose to speak up. No woman deserves to live in constant fear and your first step should always be to seek out someone who can support you spiritually and emotionally in this difficult time. Seek out an experienced marriage counsellor, pastor or a trusted friend who can help you gain some perspective in the situation and analyse your options. Don’t suffer in silence. One size does not fit all so you will need to speak to someone trustworthy who can help you assess your peculiar situation and how best to approach it. Sadly, in some instances the only reasonable course of action is to remove yourself from harm’s way. There’s no point in trying to save your marriage if you lose your life in the process.

Stopping abuse
If on the other hand you are the perpetrator of violence in your home, God calls you to change your heart and seek help. Violence is often a symptom of deeper issues and you need to speak to someone who can counsel you, lead you on the path of repentance and hold you accountable. You can stop the cycle of violence in your home today if you turn to God with your whole heart and let Him change you.

If you are currently in an abusive situation, reach out and ask for help. Don’t suffer in silence. Seek outside intervention by speaking to a trusted counsellor.

Unhealthy Soul Ties: What they are and how to break them

Sat, 30 Apr 2016 20:44:00 GMT

Do you know someone who is caught up in a relationship which they know and confess is not good for them, but they can’t seem to break free of it or they keep going back? Perhaps it is an abusive relationship which is putting them in harm’s way, an illicit relationship with a married person, or simply a toxic relationship which threatens their spiritual, mental or emotional wellbeing. Or perhaps you know someone who, after breaking up a relationship, cannot seem to move on. Five or ten years down the line their lives seem to be stagnated; they appear to be immobilised, frozen in time at that moment in their life when they broke up with that person. They still yearn for that relationship, mull over the hurt of giving it up or they appear obsessed with what their ‘ex’ is up to now. Perhaps that person is even you and you’re wondering what happened to you, why it appears that the life has been sapped out of you and how to get your life back. Well, it may well be that you are suffering the symptoms of unhealthy soul ties.

One of the most insidious effects of soul ties on future relationships is the tendency to evaluate each new person that attempts to enter your life in the light of your ‘ex’ . Some people never seem to get over a certain person in their past. This ‘ex’ becomes a shadow that looms large over every future relationship. Every human being is an original; no one can succeed at being someone else. If every new person you meet has to measure up to your ‘first love’ , you may never find true love. The easiest way to get confused when assessing a potential mate is to compare them with someone else. Comparison is a dangerous game because it blinds us to the immense possibilities in people’s uniqueness. Each person you meet deserves the honour of being evaluated on their own merit. Comparison is unwise because God did not create anyone to conform to someone else’s pattern or personality; He made each of us unique in our own right. If you find yourself evaluating your current relationship or even your marriage in the light of someone in your past, that may be a symptom of unhealthy soul ties.

How soul ties are formed
So what are soul ties and how are they formed? Your soul is an integral part of you which consists of your mind, your emotions and your will. It determines what you think, what you feel and what you want. A soul tie is simply an emotional bond which unites your soul to someone else’s. It could be anyone from your spouse to your child or even to a close friend. 1 Samuel 18:1 records that, ‘When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bonded to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.’ There was a healthy covenant friendship between David and Jonathan which made them look out for each other’s wellbeing. Soul ties in themselves are not inherently good or bad; it just depends on whom they are formed with.

When a couple gets together in a close relationship, there is a God-ordained process of bonding which begins to take place imperceptibly. This bonding process is designed to create a union of our minds and emotions which prepares us for the lifelong union of marriage. The more time we spend together with our loved one and the deeper the levels of interaction, the stronger the bonds will be. This is how soul-ties are formed. The difficulty is that your soul cannot distinguish between appropriate and illicit relationships – if you spend copious amounts of time exposing your heart to someone, bonding will take place regardless of whether or not you intended for the relationship to be a lasting one.

This is one of the reasons why I take exception to the pattern of random, recreational dating which many people get involved in without any intention of getting married to the person they are dating. Your soul does not seek permission from your logic before becoming emotionally entangled with someone who clearly should not be in your life in the first place. This is also how unsuspecting people get trapped in unintended extra-marital affairs – by unburdening their heart constantly to someone who appears to understand them better than their spouse does; creating bonds, soul-ties, where they should not exist. Perhaps all the relationship initially entailed was shared lunch-breaks or harmless telephone conversations which gradually became deeper and more involving. Bonding takes place stealthily and is often unnoticed at first.

The power of words
Soul ties are strengthened by spoken words and declarations. The Bible makes it clear that there is unimaginable power contained in words spoken – intentionally or unintentionally. Words are carriers of power. The universe was created by this power which cannot be turned on or off as we choose. Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) states that ‘The tongue has the power of life and death’ . Covenant words such as, ‘I could never be happy without you’ and ‘My heart is yours forever’ are powerful and continue to reverberate in the recesses of our souls, long after they have been spoken and forgotten. This is great for marriages; the marriage covenant itself is enacted by spoken words. However, covenant words become burdensome when you are trying to forget a relationship that has gone sour. ‘First loves die hard’ is not just a cliché; it is a reality for many people because of forces set in motion by words previously spoken. Five years after their first relationship, they appear to be frozen in time, unable to move forward because of soul ties with someone who is long gone. It is a shocking thing to realize that having sworn undying love to someone in the past, those words have the capacity to hold a person captive in the present.

Sex and Soul Ties
Although soul ties are often initiated by covenant words, even more powerful than covenant words are covenant actions, like sex. The Bible is unequivocal about the fact that you become one with anyone you have sex with. 1 Corinthians 6:16 asks the question, ‘Or do you not know and realize that when a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? The two, it is written, shall become one flesh.’ When a couple has a sexual encounter, they rise up from that place changed even if they don’t know it. There is a unity they attain in the realm of the spirit which God has preserved for married couples because of how powerful it is. God says you become one with anyone you have sex with. The implications of this are far-reaching. Many marriages are dysfunctional and hurting today because there are possibly six, seven or even more people effectively taking part in the relationship rather than two. The reality is that there is no ‘protection’ for your soul in a sexual encounter. The innermost recesses of your being are left wide open to anyone whom you give your body to willingly. If your past is dotted with sexual relationships which you now regret, God’s love is reaching out to you today.

Breaking free of soul ties
There are a number of steps you can take to break free of unhealthy soul ties:

P.S. Share this article on Facebook and Twitter and change someone’s life for the better.

Raising children who are passionate about God

Tue, 26 Apr 2016 19:58:00 GMT

As parents, we have the unique privilege of being the first point of connection that our children have with God. The years they spend with us are pivotal in their spiritual formation and can set them on a trajectory of a red-hot pursuit after God, if handled carefully. In my previous article, How to raise children who are God-chasers , I shared five tips for pointing our children in the direction of God. In this post, I share with you five further tips that have helped us in our family.

Seize teachable moments
Helping your children interpret life through the lens of God’s word is one of the most worthwhile investments you can make in their spiritual development. There are unique, teachable moments that present themselves daily as you interact with your children – maybe as they share with you about something that happened at school, as they comment on something on the television, or even when they ask you a direct question about life. Don’t let those golden moments pass without imparting some value into your child’s life. Children are like sponges, absorbing all the time, not just when you sit them down and say, ‘let’s talk’ . In fact, they are more receptive to learning when they don’t know they are being taught, so seize every moment! Tune into their world, hear their hearts and respond appropriately. This is what I like to call situational impartation . God makes it clear how effective this is in Deuteronomy 11:19-21. ‘So let what I’m saying sink deeply into your hearts and souls. Do whatever it takes to remember what I’m telling you…Teach these things to your children. Talk about them when you’re sitting together in your home and when you’re walking together down the road. Make them the last thing you talk about before you go to bed and the first thing you talk about the next morning. That way you and your children will be blessed with long life…’ Children are always learning, so be intentional about continuous teaching.

Encourage them to use their gifts to serve God
Your child has unique gifts, placed in his or her life by God, for the benefit of others. You are in the best position to validate those gifts by encouraging your child to develop them and helping your child find avenues to use them to serve others. Their gift could be anything from singing, dancing, acting, to drawing, writing poems, speaking or encouraging others. There are also multiple opportunities for hands-on service in church and the local community which can help your child discover what their unique contribution is to our world. As they grow older they might be able to come up with ideas to raise funds for children in other parts of the world who are in need, help out in a Sunday school class of younger children, or even use their budding technical skills to help out in church. Sometime ago our daughter, Oyin, spent a couple of months baking cakes and selling them at school to raise money for, House of Wells , a beloved Christian charity doing amazing work among vulnerable children in South Africa. Support your child to express his or her gifts in God’s service.

Be vulnerable
Share your journey with God with your children. Today’s children are looking for authenticity. Your children already know you’re not perfect so don’t bother pretending to be. Don’t talk as if you always get it right with the things of God. Help them to learn from your mistakes and share what God’s grace has accomplished in your life. Tell them about how you have learnt to walk with God; the times you didn’t fully follow God’s instructions and what happened as a result, and how you have now learnt to follow the promptings of God. They will respect you for it, they will be able to avoid your mistakes and it will give them confidence in their own walk with God, even when they feel they have made mistakes.

Help them see the goodness of God
God is good and your children need to know that. Some parents make the mistake of painting a scary picture of a God who is out to catch their children when they do wrong, rather than the loving Father who is out to do them good. This misconception can put a child off God for life. If a child associates God with fear rather than love, the tendency will be to gravitate away from Him, not towards Him. Teach your children about God’s unconditional love and overflowing grace. Let them know that they can run to Him, even when they miss it, rather than running from Him. Testify of God’s goodness. Let your children know when God comes through for you. Show them that faith works. As they witness your prayers, let them witness the results as well.

Teach them generosity
Teach your children to be generous with their resources. Help them see that the sole purpose of life is to give, not to receive. We have always taught our children that you’re not truly blessed until you become a blessing, and we love to see them demonstrate generosity in their own way. Your children will take a cue from you when you model generosity. I learnt to tithe ten percent of my income, not from a pastor, but from my mother. Whenever she gave me pocket money or someone else gave me money, she reminded me than ten percent of it belonged to God. We do the same with our daughters because we want them to grow up knowing that everything they have comes from God and belongs to God.

I would love to hear from you. What practices have been helpful to you in developing your children spiritually? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter and encourage someone else.

How to raise children who are God-chasers

Sun, 17 Apr 2016 20:49:00 GMT

The greatest legacy you can leave your child is not money or a house, jewellery, shares or the family business; it’s not even a good education, much as I am a firm proponent of excellent education. Your greatest legacy will be your ability to pass on your faith to your children. Generational faith is intentional, not accidental. It has nothing to do with passing on a family religion. It is about transmitting the pursuit of a living, breathing relationship with God to our children. So what can you do to raise children who love God passionately? I would like to share a few thoughts with you.

Model the pursuit of God for them
Let your children observe you following God passionately. Faith is caught, not just taught. You can’t give what you don’t have. You cannot lead your children to drink from a stream you have not drunk from. Passing on a legacy of faith starts with your personal relationship with God. If you are not sold out in your relationship with God, you will not be able to inspire your children to a higher level of commitment to Him. In 2 Timothy 1:5, Paul makes reference to the generational faith which Timothy had received when he says, ‘I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also’ . Your faith must take up permanent residence in your heart in order for it to be transmittable. It can’t be an on and off thing. Authentic faith is contagious. When your children see you making God your top priority in life, it stirs them up to do the same.

Help them fall in love with God’s word
We have a responsibility as parents to help our children cherish God’s word from an early age. This presupposes that we have a love of God’s word ourselves. In Deuteronomy 6:6-7 God commands us to internalise His word first and then impart it to our children. ‘Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children.’ God’s word is the foundational way God speaks to His children. When you teach your children to love God’s word and refer to it for answers, you are setting them up to be stable, confident Christians who know what they believe and why. In 2 Timothy 3:15, Paul gives further insight into how his protégé, Timothy, became a God-chaser. ‘You have been taught the Holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus’. Timothy’s mother and grandmother took it upon themselves to teach him God’s word from childhood. As soon as your children begin to speak, they are old enough to begin to learn God’s word, first by speaking it and later by reading it themselves. Make God’s word fun for them. Let them learn it in rhymes, games, stories and songs. Find them age-appropriate devotionals and help them develop a daily habit of studying and memorising God’s word. They will not forget it, even when they are grown up.

Don’t just pray for them, pray with them
Teaching your children to be prayerful is pivotal to them developing a vibrant relationship with God. They need to be aware that they cannot effectively do life without involving God in everything they do. Let them hear you pray for them and also give them the opportunity to develop in prayer. Prayer is one of those things that you learn by practice, not just theory. One of the practices which has been such a blessing in our family is to involve everyone in family prayers. From when our girls were young, during our family prayers each of us would pray out loud in turn, starting from the youngest to the oldest. We still maintain that practice and it has been a great blessing because not only have our girls learnt practically, from listening to us, how to pray; we have also been encouraged to witness their spiritual development and to see how their prayers have evolved over the years. We hear in their prayers what they care about as they intercede for persecuted Christians across the globe or lift up people they know who are facing difficult times. It also teaches them that prayer works, as they can testify when they receive answers to prayers.

Prioritise participating in a church family
We should never make the mistake of thinking that our whole duty as Christian parents is fulfilled by shepherding our children to church. Attending church does not make you a devoted follower of Christ any more than going to a hospital makes you a doctor. Nevertheless, spending time with other believers worshipping God is one of the key elements of a vibrant relationship with God. If your children frequently observe you passing up opportunities to participate in church life because you are too tired, too busy or would rather be watching the football game, they quickly come to the conclusion that church is an optional thing which you do if you feel like it. If God is not a priority for you, don’t expect your children to believe you when you say He should be for them.

Recognise that their journey will be different from yours
Don’t try to make your children follow in the footsteps of your walk with God. God has a journey for them which is unique to them. Your goal should not be to reproduce yourself in your children, but to help them discover the uniqueness of their own personal relationship with God. Part of the joy of knowing God is the journey of self-discovery He takes us, helping us recognise our own gifts and purpose in life. Let your children find their own unique expression of faith in God. By all means give them guidance but let them choose their own worship music, devotionals, books and favourite preachers. Teach them to identify scripturally balanced teaching for themselves. The goal is for them to develop an individual, personalised walk with God that will outlast the time they spend under your roof. They need to own their own relationship with God.

I would love to hear from you. What practices have been helpful to you in developing your children spiritually? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter and encourage someone else.

How not having your way could transform your marriage

Tue, 12 Apr 2016 20:43:00 GMT

The degree to which we are able to subdue and conquer this tendency towards selfishness will determine how successful we will be in our relationships. No one likes to hang around someone who must always have the final say. It is uncomfortable living with someone with a bloated ego which says ‘I am always right!’ We all like to be around people who consider our point of view and value our perspective. We have an innate, God-given tendency to gravitate towards respect.

Marriage, as God designed it, functions at its best when husbands and wives have a yielding attitude towards each other. Philippians 2:4 is clear in this regard, ‘ Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others’. Exceptional marriages are forged in the crucible of selflessness, as we aim to put our spouse’s interests before ours. Having a yielding disposition towards each other uproots seeds of discord in your home. When your spouse is always looking out for your best interests, it eliminates the need to defend yourself and fight for your rights. Each partner is called to defend the benefits of the other, not just what is beneficial to self.

Jesus upturned the entire concept of leadership in one of His final exchanges with His disciples. In an act that defied reasoning and permanently redefined leadership, He took up a servant’s position, knelt, and washed His disciples’ dirty feet. The whole scenario was uncomfortable, as Peter outspokenly pointed out. This underscored the eternal truth that godly leadership is an uncomfortable thing because it messes with our preferred model of leadership as human beings. One that is oppressive rather than supportive. Husbands are called to godly leadership in the home and when a man gains an understanding of true Christ-like leadership, he will demonstrate a love that is giving, not demanding.

Submission does not mean not having a mind of your own. It is not an excuse for abdicating personal responsibility and not participating fully in the marriage partnership. It is simply a voluntary act of yielding to and seeking reasons to agree with your spouse, rather than being disagreeable. Ephesians 5:21 puts it succinctly. ‘Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another’ . This is a requirement that is not gender or role specific. It is a basic rule of life and the foundation of a mutually rewarding marriage. But what do you do when there is a stalemate in your home? Two people cannot have the same point of view all of the time. At some point, there are bound to be issues about which you don’t see eye to eye and can’t seem to come to a mutually acceptable resolution. This is the point at which a godly wife has the opportunity to go a step further and defer to her husband.

In Ephesians 5:22-28, Paul explains how marriage functions at its best and highest.

22-24 ‘Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Jesus has set the bar very high for husbands as they seek to give leadership in the home. If a man’s leadership consists of gaining advantage for himself, rather than laying down his own interests for his wife, Jesus calls him to step up his game and aspire to godly leadership. A husband who does not value his wife’s opinion or consider her needs and go all out to meet them is in effect shooting himself in the foot, according to Paul. Similarly, as wives, we take a quantum leap in loving our husbands when we understand that God has given him the responsibility to lead the home with our help and we choose to support his leadership wholeheartedly, acknowledging that he is ultimately responsible for the family before God, and that’s where the crux of the matter lies. Someone has to take ultimate responsibility for any organisation or unit in order for it to thrive. Don’t make it difficult for your husband to lead effectively.

We do not argue with the concept of submission in the workplace because it seems to make perfect sense. We don’t question the need for a CEO in an organisation, and any smart CEO knows that the role is not an indication of superiority, but a statement of responsibility. He or she recognises that they need their team to function effectively. Yet, when the concept of submission enters the family setting it becomes fraught with power struggles. When a husband and wife fight constantly about finances, sex or any other issue that causes sparks to fly in a home, there is often an element of selfishness in either or both parties underlying such disagreements. Conversely, when a couple has learnt how to quickly and lovingly resolve disputes, it is usually because they have learnt how to bury selfishness and yield to each other.

What are your thoughts on how husbands and wives can bring out the best in each other? Leave me a comment on Facebook and Twitter .

Why words matter in a marriage

Wed, 06 Apr 2016 19:42:00 GMT

Words, words, words! Imagine for a moment what our world would be like without words; a silent wordless world. No words of love, no words of hope, no way to express our thoughts and feelings. How unthinkable! As a matter of fact, our world would not even exist without words because our world was created by the spoken Word of God. On the other hand, James 3:5 reminds us of the tremendous potential for damage in ill-chosen words. ‘The tongue is a small thing but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.’ Words can be creative or destructive, depending on how we choose to use them.

Every love relationship is initiated by the right words spoken at the right time. Words are a vehicle which we use to convey our love to one another. They are the currency of exchange in a meaningful relationship. The right words spoken can open up limitless possibilities in a relationship while the wrong words can grind a relationship to a halt permanently. Many dying marriages have been revived and revitalised by the introduction of the right words; conversely, thriving marriages have been terminated by the introduction of the wrong words.

The covenant of marriage is enacted simply by covenant words spoken – marriage vows, but that is only the beginning. As soon as the wedding band stops playing and you put away your gown and your suit, the atmosphere of your marriage is being created daily by the words that you speak into it. An exciting marriage is a product of carefully chosen, uplifting words which engender trust and intimacy; an uninspiring marriage is a product of the right words perpetually left unsaid; a stormy marriage is a product of the wrong words thrown around carelessly. Words create atmosphere.

Many husbands and wives, by the way they choose to speak to their partners daily, demonstrate that they have failed to grasp the significance of the words they speak into their marriage. Proverbs 18:20-21 makes a very strong statement about the power of words. ‘Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction. The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Simply put, words are cause and effect. What you say in your marriage is what you can expect to see play out because words reproduce after their kind. Words are seeds that go into the future and prepare a harvest for you. Seeds of love produce a harvest of love; seeds of hope produce a harvest of hope; seeds of anger produce a harvest of anger; seeds of fear produce a harvest of fear.

What kinds of words are you investing in your marriage? The direction of your marriage is navigated by the words of your mouth so you need to ask yourself, ‘Are my words touching or toxic, healing or killing?’ Your answer could well explain the atmosphere in your home. If you are gifted with the words, make sure you’re always speaking the right words to your spouse. If you’re not a natural talker, remember that silence can starve a marriage. It is a worthwhile investment in your marriage to learn to convey your love with words. Communication is a two-way street so stretch yourself to empower your marriage with words.

Every word you speak into your marriage is either a deposit or a withdrawal. Negative comments, criticism, words of fear, anger or discouragement, all make massive withdrawals and can bankrupt your marriage. one of the best decisions you can ever make is to make a habit of speaking positive words to your spouse. Psychologists have determined that it takes eight to ten positive comments to offset the damage done by one negative comment so don’t indulge in negativity. If you do need to deal with issues in your marriage, do it constructively. There is a huge difference between speaking for effectiveness and speaking for effect. Speaking for effectiveness means that you are aiming to achieve a satisfactory resolution to an issue with minimum damage. Speaking for effect, on the other hand, means that you are simply pouring out the words as they come to you, regardless of how destructive, in an attempt to ‘get it off your chest’ and create the maximum impact. Speaking for effect is how people win an argument at the expense of the relationship. That is a luxury you cannot afford if you aim to create a stable, satisfying marriage.

So what kinds of words would enhance your marriage? Words of affection for a start. Don’t be like the old farmer who, when asked whether he loved his wife, grumpily declared, ‘I told my wife 35 years ago when I married her that I love her. If I have not informed her otherwise, it means I have not changed my mind yet!’ Women particularly respond to words of affection so, husbands, be generous with your words of affection. Words of appreciation are also critical because they place value on your partner. Thanking your partner constantly for who they are and what they do, regardless of how small, will prevent you from taking them for granted. Also, speak words of encouragement that will impart hope to your partner. You should be the greatest cheerleader your spouse has. A resounding ‘You can do it!’ from you may be just the boost they need to scale the latest hurdle at work. Your words can keep your partner going in the midst of the deepest trials.

Words of admiration communicate respect. Men, in particular, thrive on words that celebrate their achievements. Don’t overlook your partner’s achievements while the rest of the world is celebrating them. Communicate admiration for his or her looks, person, and accomplishments. Speak words of affirmation that say, ‘I believe in you!’ and ‘I am here for you’ . One word from you could make the difference between quitting and pressing on for your partner. Lastly, words of reconciliation are a healing balm to your marriage. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I forgive you’ will clear the air in your marriage after a conflict.

Above all, study your partner’s response to your positive words and give them what they need. Some people respond better to words of affection than words of admiration, for instance, so adapt your communication for maximum positive influence. Concentrate on the words that mean the most to your spouse. Speak life into your marriage today and watch it bloom.

What kinds of words do you need to begin to invest in your marriage? Please share and leave me a comment on Facebook or Twitter .

Seven signs of a toxic friendship

Mon, 04 Apr 2016 10:55:00 GMT

It takes you away from God
Any relationship that causes you to drift away from God is not born of God. Whoever you choose to spend your time with should be someone that heightens your pursuit of God and encourages you to live a life pleasing to Him. If you find yourself growing lukewarm towards God or you constantly have to betray your values because you are pursuing a relationship with someone, that’s a clear signal of a toxic relationship. Your desire to be with someone should not be fulfilled at the expense of your relationship with God. That is too high to pay for an ephemeral, human relationship. God is the only one who can give you a fail-proof guarantee of enduring faithfulness. When He says He will never leave your nor forsake you, He really means it. You should be wary of handing your heart over to someone whose heart is not secure in God.

It tears you down rather than building you up
Does your friend constantly makes you feel like you are unworthy of them or lucky to have them, rather than appreciating and valuing you? If he or she treats you badly consistently and tries to make you believe that you don’t deserve any better, in the long-term that will be toxic to your well-being. Someone who truly loves you will not try to make you feel obligated or indebted to them. A healthy friendship should make you feel ten feet tall. It should not make you feel bad about yourself. Taking it a step further, if you are in a serious relationship with someone and the prevailing atmosphere of that relationship is a general sense of disapproval, you will struggle to be happy if you choose to marry such a person. Relationships that build you up are relationships where you are celebrated not just tolerated.

Your actions are motivated by fear rather than love
If it seems like you can never do anything right and everything you do, no matter how well-intentioned, seems to upset or annoy your friend, this can be damaging to your self-image. You should not constantly feel like you have to walk on egg shells, fearful of how they will react to something you say or do. 1 John 4:18 unequivocally states, ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’ Friendship should be a joyful experience; it should not feel like you are straining to please for fear of retaliation.

It separates you from those who care about you
I have seen the scenario replayed countless times, particularly in unhealthy courtship relationships. Your godly friends who genuinely care about you are concerned about the person you have chosen to marry and question the impact the relationship is having on you. So what do you choose to do? Avoid them in order to maintain your new relationship? Or is the person whom you’re with insisting that you choose between them and your family. That can often be a warning signal. Any person who tries to isolate your from your friends and family who have been there for you over the years does not value loyalty and is a risky prospect. When you’re isolated, you become more vulnerable. God has surrounded each one of us with a valuable support system which we should not have to give up for the sake of a relationship. It’s a different matter if you have unhealthy family relationships, for instance, but if those relationships are healthy ones and have kept you centred all these years, you probably need them now more than ever before.

You have to perform to please your friend
Close relationships will always change us. It is normal to adapt and adjust when we have a new person in our lives but is your relationship changing you for the better? If you feel like you have to pretend or perform in order to please your friend, then you are not really going to build an authentic relationship. An authentic relationship is one where you are free to reveal your true self. None of us is perfect and the closer you get to someone, the more evident your weaknesses will become. If your friend behaves like they are perfect and on the other hand treats you to a constant barrage of criticism and contempt, that kind of behaviour is much less about making things better in the relationship and much more about making them feel superior. God, as perfect as He is, has accepted you and you deserve to be accepted and respected for who you are not for what your friend can make of you. You need people in your life who will celebrate you just for who you are.

The relationship is one-sided
If your friend is constantly making withdrawals from the relationship without making any deposits, very soon your relationship will go bankrupt. If each time you leave their presence you feel drained rather than empowered, you need to examine how that will play out in a long-term situation, especially if this is someone you are considering for marriage. A relationship that drains you and sucks the life out of you can become intolerable in the long run. You should enter a relationship more focused on giving than receiving; that is how true love operates. However, it is not unreasonable to expect your friend to consider your needs as well. The most rewarding relationships are those where both parties aim to give one hundred percent of themselves.

You feel like you are being controlled, not complemented
When you are considering marriage and you meet someone that is right for you, what they bring to the relationship will be complementary to what you bring to the relationship. In other words, you should both feel like you’re better together than apart. However, if you feel manipulated and controlled, rather than complemented and empowered, that kind of relationship will not help you reach your full potential. People often associate controlling behaviour with overt physical abuse but it can manifest itself in many different ways: compulsive jealousy, uncontrolled fits of anger, chronic distrust and accusations, threats, demeaning behaviour, devaluing you so that you feel less confident of yourself and even conditional love, to name a few. Any of these is a sign that you probably need to consider an exit strategy from that relationship.

Share your comments with me on Facebook or Twitter .

How to become your spouse’s best friend

Wed, 30 Mar 2016 21:01:00 GMT

Courtship can be an incredible time of closeness and togetherness. For most courting couples, life is always beautiful. There’s always something to talk about, always a longing to be in each other’s presence. How is it then that many couples, by the time they hit the five-year mark in marriage have become civilised strangers? Worse still, by the silver anniversary when the nest is beginning to empty out, they find themselves living like mere co-tenants; sharing a roof, sharing the bills, sharing a bed but not sharing their lives. Gone are the lovers’ chit-chat, the moments of sweet togetherness and the sharing of private secrets just for two. Why do so many couples drift apart with the passing of years?

The answer is a little thing called intimacy…or the lack of it. Intimacy is the glue that keeps marriages together and keeps partners in love with each other. Intimacy is what makes your partner a trusted friend and not just a lover. It is like a rose, beautiful in all its glory, but it does not occur naturally. It must be cultivated. This is a fact that most starry-eyed newlyweds do not grasp. We think that once close means always close. We assume that intimacy is a natural result of living together but it never happens that way. In reality you can live with a person for five years and still be perfect strangers, if you do not make a deliberate effort to cultivate closeness. Here’s how to cultivate intimacy and become your spouse’s best friend.

Prioritise time with each other
Every day we make choices that either draw us closer as a couple or pull us apart. If we permit the complexities of our lifestyle and the pursuit of daily bread to steal all our private time as a couple, it will not be too long before we begin to feel estranged. Each new day, there are forces which seek to pull us apart. Hectic schedules, mounting responsibilities and societal pressure will only pull you and your spouse apart if you do not make an effort to spend time together. Make a few choices today that can bring the sparkle back into your relationship.

Figure out a way to harmonise your schedules and spend at least thirty minutes talking at the end of your day. Come home straight from work for a change and have your meal together. This will help you share the day’s occurrences and also discuss your dreams and plans. Talk to each other rather than watching television until you drop off to sleep. If you’re addicted to watching several hours of news, you will know everything about the rest of the world and nothing about your spouse! Schedule a Saturday together and do something you both enjoy alone. Get involved in your partner’s interests so that you have more shared experiences. If he likes football then learn about the game. If she likes jogging, join her once in a while. Recover the lost beauty of your relationship.

Keep your spouse’s confidences
An intimate marriage is deep, confidential and secure. Deep in the sense that we are willing to probe beyond the surface of our lives and share our most secret dreams and desires, fears and failures. The degree to which you and your partner feel free to reveal your true selves will determine the degree of intimacy you will enjoy in your marriage. Confidentiality means that we can open up without fear of being exposed to others. It gives a sense of security and permanence to our relationships. This kind of marriage develops over time when we permit our mate to be himself or herself.

Discretion, the ability to choose carefully what you reveal to others in order not to embarrass your spouse, is a key ingredient of an intimate marriage. Your partner will only open up to you to the degree that he or she knows that you will never use what you know about them against them, so avoid the temptation to betray the confidences of your spouse by discussing your private affairs with a third party. No matter how much a person loves you, if they can’t trust you, they will feel unsafe to confide in you. Trust is that intangible quality in a relationship that makes it easy for two people to open up to each other. Intimacy can only be achieved when you know that your confidences are safe with your partner. Your partner also needs to be assured that their deepest secrets will not become a topic of discussion with your friends and relatives.

Be graceful with your spouse’s weaknesses
Some people fear intimacy because they fear rejection. How you react to your partner’s weaknesses will go a long way to determine the quality of your marriage. You cannot afford the luxury of being judgemental when your husband or wife opens up to you. If you make him feel like a failure when he confesses an expensive mistake he made at work, he will undoubtedly hold back from you the next time. If you brush aside her fears when she ventures to be vulnerable with you, be sure that it will be a long time before she tries to do so again.

A graceful, supportive attitude will encourage deep, meaningful conversations with your spouse and make vulnerability less threatening. There is more than enough rejection in the world without you lending your voice to it. Be sensitive to your spouse’s needs and don’t offer unsolicited advice or correction when you should be extending grace and understanding. Focus on being a listening ear not a scolding mouth.

Be your spouse’s image maker
You are an image maker for your partner. See yourself as their chief public relations officer. The way you present your wife or husband will determine the way they are received by others. No one is perfect, but we have a responsibility as married couples to conceal our partner’s weaknesses from the prying eyes of others. Let your spouse know you’ve got his or her back. Present your partner in a good light at all times and speak well of them whether present or absent. Don’t ever use your tongue to downgrade your partner in the eyes of others, no matter how hurt you are. Secrets revealed in a fit of anger can cause long-term damage to the emotional environment of a home.

There are exceptional situations in which it becomes necessary to share your family challenges with a third party. This might happen when you need to seek counsel from a pastor, counsellor or someone who is in a position to help resolve a pressing problem. Be sure that nothing is revealed with an intention to spite your spouse. Anyone you share with must be someone who will be part of the solution and not someone who will create greater problems for you. A word of caution is necessary if you regularly confide in your relatives. Family members can be fiercely protective and even after the situation is resolved, they may not forget in a hurry. Be sure that what you say about your spouse does not cause your family to regard him or her with disrespect. Celebrate your partner with your words and actions.

Which of the above actions do you need to take immediately to deepen your intimacy with your spouse? Share your comments on this article with me on Facebook .

How to double your satisfaction in marriage

Wed, 23 Mar 2016 21:15:00 GMT

If you are reading this, perhaps your interest was piqued by the bold claim in the title. Maybe you are curious to find out if there is a formula that can guarantee double the joy in marriage. What could I possibly propose that is potent enough to make a bad marriage good and a good marriage even better? The answer is change . No, probably not the one change you are hoping for – a change in your spouse. You see, you cannot change another person no matter how hard you try, especially when that other person is your spouse. Frustrated spouses down through the ages have tried all the tricks in the book to change their spouse – nagging, bargaining, threatening, withdrawing and all the other ‘-ings’ in their arsenal, but none of it seems to work. Human beings are notoriously resistant to change initiated from the outside. Simply put, people don’t change because you want them to; they change because they want to.

So what kind of change am I proposing? I am talking about a subtle but powerful change that can happen in you ; a change that you can initiate; a change that is within your power to control. Simply put, it is a change in perspective. When I was in Architecture school, one of the things we were required to do after conceptualising and designing a building was to represent it in three dimensions; to draw it in perspective. I very quickly learnt that choosing your vantage point, the position from which you imagined you were viewing the building, fundamentally changed what you could see. In other words, anything can look substantially different, depending on where you are viewing it from. Perspective changes everything.

Sometimes your physical situation may not have changed but a change in perspective changes everything. I have seen it over and over again in marriage counselling. A couple comes in with seemingly insurmountable problems because one or both parties are dissatisfied in the marriage. Fast forward a month or two with several counselling sessions under their belt – there is a new light in their eyes and they have fallen in love all over again. Very often if you look closely at the marriage, their situation may not have changed fundamentally – he is still who he was two months ago and she is still who she was, but they have a new-found love for each other. Why? Because they have changed how they view each other. I would like to propose three perspective changes which will radically alter your satisfaction in marriage for the better.

I would like to propose three perspective changes which will radically alter your satisfaction in marriage for the better.

Remember why you chose your spouse in the first place

The quote, ‘What you focus upon the most becomes your idea of reality’ may be over-beaten but nowhere does it ring truer than in marriage. The scenario replays itself over and over again in marriage counselling. When I work with a couple, one of the exercises which I like to give them from the onset is to individually list the things they admire or love about each other on one side of a sheet of paper, and the things which they would like to see changed in their spouse on the other side. It never ceases to amaze me that a husband or wife can seemingly list countless things they would like to change in their spouse but struggle to find two or three qualities they are happy with. They chew their pens, scratch their heads, and for the life of them seem totally incapable of recollecting a few positives to recommend the person whom they have chosen to be married to. It makes you wonder why they chose to marry such a person in the first place. Did their spouse’s good qualities simply evaporate after marriage? Or are they simply victims of the ‘black dot syndrome’ as I like to call it?

Human beings have the uncanny ability to focus on negatives and ignore positives. Try this experiment. Hold up a white sheet of paper with a small black dot on it and ask someone ‘What do you see?’ Nine times out of ten they will respond, ‘A black dot’. Almost nobody will say, ‘A white sheet of paper’ . In that vast ocean of pristine whiteness, all we can see is the one dot that doesn’t belong. And so it is with marriage. We obsess over one or two things which we feel are ‘wrong’ with our spouse and totally ignore or fail to acknowledge all the wonderful qualities they possess. That’s why every now and then you need to take a trip down memory lane and remind yourself of what was so great about your spouse that convinced you to marry them in the first place. If you look closely enough, you will find that those same qualities are still intact.

Be thankful for the little things

After having lived with someone year in, year out, it is ever so easy to be blind to the advantages of that relationship. The daily grind and mundane nature of everyday living can rub the shine off your marriage and lull you into taking your spouse for granted, overlooking the little things that your spouse does for you and underestimating the benefits which he or she has contributed to your existence. What qualities does your spouse possess which you have taken for granted? What do they do for you daily that has become such a norm that you have started to feel entitled rather than appreciative? Pause a little and think about that. Making your meals; driving you to places; running errands; managing the family finances; encouraging you when you are down; standing by you when others desert you? The list is endless. Sometimes we fall into the trap of comparing our spouse unfavourably to someone else’s and this clouds our perspective and robs us of the ability to see how blessed we really are.

Train yourself to be thankful. Consciously maintain an attitude of gratitude. There’s nothing like thanksgiving to totally change your perspective of a situation. When last did you tell God how thankful you are to be married to your spouse? And when last did you thank your spouse for all the ways they have been a blessing to you? You will be surprised to find that there are many people who would happily trade places with you and would be grateful to have the husband or wife you have. Furthermore, no one is inspired to do more for a grumbling spouse; we are all wired to respond to gratitude with a willingness to extend ourselves even further. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. You might be thinking, ‘Well my spouse doesn’t appreciate me so why should I appreciate him or her’ . The answer lies in the principle of reciprocity. Thankfulness begets thankfulness. As you learn to be more vocal in appreciating your spouse, you will reap those seeds of gratitude in a harvest of thankfulness from your spouse. Make today ‘Be Grateful Day!’

Recapture your sense of humour

Marriage can be hard work – there’s no doubt about it. But sometimes we forget that God actually created marriage to be fulfilling and fun. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not to be endured. If you take yourself too seriously, marriage will be a long, tedious journey for you. Remember when you and your spouse had all those private jokes, shared between just the two of you? Remember when you used to laugh together and even play together. Whatever happened to that? Sometimes people get so serious or spiritual that they are no longer fun to be with. Don’t let that happen to you. God gave you your sense of humour to provide therapy for your hurts and healing for your pains. Proverbs 17:22 puts it this way: ‘A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.’

Your sense of humour is God’s gift to you to make your burdens lighter and your life journey brighter. Use it to the advantage of your marriage. To paraphrase Henry Ward Beecher, ‘A marriage without a sense of humour is like a wagon without springs – jolted by every pebble in the road’. Whenever I see or read something funny, I can’t wait to share it with my husband – and he does the same for me. Tense situations can be very quickly diffused when you inject a bit of humour into them. Make it a habit to laugh at your mistakes – you are human, believe it or not. Don’t take yourself so seriously that you cannot see the funny side of things. Laugh with your spouse frequently. That’s the only sure way to increase your satisfaction in marriage.

What do you need to change to radically increase your satisfaction in marriage? Leave me a message on Facebook or Twitter .

Three red lines that could save your marriage

Mon, 21 Mar 2016 22:06:00 GMT

A red line is a boundary or limit which should not be crossed. It figuratively represents a point of no return. It is a limit beyond which safety can no longer be guaranteed. President Obama was famously vilified for declaring the use of chemical weapons as a ‘red line’ which would trigger an American response in the Syrian conflict and then backing down. Without getting into the politics of it all, the upshot is that when you draw a red line, you should mean it.

Red lines can be a good thing. They should be viewed as beneficial to your marriage, rather than as a restriction to hamper you. I believe that if you really mean business about having an enduring marriage, there are a few red lines which you must define clearly as a couple early on in your marriage, or even better still before you get married. Marriage is not a walk in the park. A good marriage will bless your life in immeasurable ways and give you endless joy – but there will also be challenges along the way. Defining red lines around your marriage, lines which you are in agreement you will never cross as a couple, is one way to preserve your marriage in a society where marriage is treated more and more like a disposable commodity.

I would like to suggest three red lines which every couple should agree on.

The ‘D’ word

The threat of divorce is the axe which some people wield in order to arrest their partner’s attention. In a desperate bid to get their partner to sit up and take notice of their demands, the risk of divorce becomes a bargaining tool in the hand of a frustrated and angry spouse. The danger with that approach is that we often don’t take into account the creative and destructive power of words. Proverbs 18:21 makes it clear that ‘Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.’ Words are containers of power and every word you speak is either ministering life to your home or setting the death of your marriage in motion.

If what you desire is healing for your marriage, that goal will not be achieved by constantly proclaiming the death of your union. Throwing the word divorce around in the course of trying to resolve marital conflict is like using a butcher’s knife to perform heart surgery. It is the wrong tool for achieving the purpose intended. Skill and wisdom is required for building a home, not blunt force and threat. If you want a marriage that lasts a lifetime, make the use of the ‘D’ word a red line which you will not cross as a couple, regardless of how heated your argument.

The surrogate spouse

A surrogate is a substitute or deputy for another person in a specific role. The funny thing about a surrogate is that in reality they can only ever be an imposter. A surrogate can never be the real deal. So how does this apply in marriage? You and your spouse are uniquely placed in each other’s life to fulfil the role of husband or wife. That role encompasses many things – best friend, companion, confidante, adviser, comforter, chief encourager – the list is endless. These are privileges which are unique to you as a husband or wife. No one else on earth should access your heart to the point where they are fulfilling these roles in your life. Your spouse should be the closest human being to you.

Time and time again, people who have ended up having affairs, and regretting them, will confess that it never began with sex. They let down their guard, confided too frequently and too deeply in someone other than their spouse, and the rest was history. Adultery is first an emotional sin before it becomes physical. There are certain emotional red lines which should never be crossed if you want a healthy, enduring marriage. Your spouse is uniquely placed in your life to be your confidante. Don’t rob them of that exclusive position. If you find that your communication with your spouse is not great, make it a project to improve it. After all, you couldn’t stop talking to each other when you were dating! Make it your mission to recapture that vulnerability with each other, and lock out any surrogate spouse for good.

The curse of porn

You would think that the danger pornography poses to a marriage would be fairly obvious to most Christians. It is therefore alarming when you read statistics like those drawn from a 2014 national survey of Christian men in the U.S. The figures suggest that 77% of 18-30 year old men look at porn at least monthly, 77% of 31-49 year old men at least once in three months while a whopping 55% of married men look at porn at least monthly. While men are more vulnerable to the lure of porn because of their propensity to be visual, the use of pornography is no longer just a male problem. It is a sign of the times that women are also getting caught up in the web of porn in the guise of romance.

While the Church world has been content to skirt around the issue and pretend that it doesn’t exist, this silent killer is invading homes and robbing marriages of their purity and exclusivity. Pornography is no longer something people have to go out of their way to seek in shady shops. A careless Google search could result in you being bombarded with images which you did not plan for. The use of pornography is a red line which should never, ever be crossed because it dishonours your spouse and it is an addictive road that desensitises you to the holy beauty of marital sex and opens the door to deception and disillusionment in marriage. I strongly encourage that if you have found yourself spiralling down this route, reach out for help quickly from someone spiritual who can hold you accountable and walk you back to the path of freedom. Breaking free from the curse of porn is not a journey you should walk alone.

Which red line resonates the most with you? Which red lines do you and your spouse need to put in place to protect your marriage? Please leave me a comment on Facebook .

How to eliminate avoidable conflict in marriage

Wed, 16 Mar 2016 20:32:00 GMT

A certain degree of conflict is good and healthy in a relationship. However, if your marriage is one long battle, when do you actually get to take off the boxing gloves and enjoy being married? Marriage was meant to be enjoyed not to be endured. There are some elements of endurance involved in any healthy marriage but the overarching theme should be enjoyment. Otherwise, why would anyone want to get married? God designed marriage to make our lives better, not bitter.

One of the keys to a happy marriage is eliminating avoidable conflict. Day to day living has more than enough sources of friction without adding in marital conflict that could have been avoided with a little foresight and wisdom. Your home should be your haven; a shelter from the storms of life and a place of rest and recuperation. This is why it pays to invest in a harmonious marriage.

Someone might be saying, ‘If my spouse did their part, our marriage would be harmonious’ . Thinking like that will leave you feeling disempowered because the reality is that you have no control over your spouse’s behaviour. However, you do have control over yours so that’s where your focus should lie. Do your part to promote harmony in your marriage. Here’s how:

Start from a foundation of acceptance

Albert Einstein famously said, ‘Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.’ Whether or not this amusing theory stereotypes men and women is an argument for another day, but it does raise an interesting point – that disappointment and conflict are generally connected to an unexpected outcome. If you approach marriage from the standpoint of trying to change your spouse to suit your liking, you have just signed up for a whole range of avoidable conflict. When you treat your spouse like a makeover project, and it looks like your efforts to change him or her are not working, there is a tendency to be drawn into unnecessary conflict because of that. Conversely, when you start from a baseline of accepting your spouse as God’s gift to you, as they are, you open up yourself to being able to enjoy him or her genuinely. Happy marriages are not fault-free marriages; they are marriages where both parties have learnt to wholeheartedly embrace and value each other – faults and all.

Don’t fight your differences, adjust to them

Regardless of how ‘in love’ you are and how ‘well-matched’ you believe you are, you and your spouse are two completely different people with varying temperaments, backgrounds, interests, experiences and expectations. These differences can be a source of great annoyance in your marriage or they can be a source of endless enjoyment and variety. The choice is yours to make. I read a quote from John Fischer which says it all. ‘The success of a marriage comes not in finding the perfect person but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realise they married. Some people never make this adjustment and become trapped in the endless search after an image that doesn’t exist.’ If you needed someone like you in your life, you would probably have married someone like you. The reason why you were attracted to your spouse in the first place was because they had some traits which were different from yours – and that intrigued you! Don’t lose that fascination.

Be realistic in your expectations

No human being is equipped to think and behave exactly as you would like them to 24/7. Your spouse is human, not a robot, so he or she is not going to anticipate your every desire even before you think them and rush to meet those desires. Consider this typical scenario. You come home, weary and discouraged after a hard day at work. You are just waiting for your spouse to ask how your day was so you can unload all your concerns. He or she seems to be distracted and does not tune into your immediate need. What do you do? If you allow yourself, within half an hour you can descend into a spiral of ‘He really doesn’t care’ or ‘She’s too self-absorbed to think about me’ . You can choose to withdraw and wait for your spouse to notice how you are feeling – or you can consider for a moment that your spouse might not have had a great day themselves and reach out. Managing your expectations can make all the difference between a mutually supportive evening with your spouse and a draining face-off.

In her peculiarly insightful and characteristically frank manner, Ruth Bell Graham, the late wife of Billy Graham had this to say about unrealistic expectations. ‘I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain. The same goes for the man who expects too much from his wife.’

I couldn’t have said it better myself! Unrealistic expectations are an exercise in futility. Don’t sacrifice your present joy on the altar of unrealised hopes. Free your spouse to be the best version of themselves they can be and make up your mind to enjoy life together, as it is.

Which one of these tips resonates with you the most? What do you need to begin to do to eliminate avoidable conflict from your marriage? Leave me a comment on Facebook .

How to forgive when it still hurts

Sun, 06 Mar 2016 15:52:00 GMT

Forgiveness is something we all need to practice at some stage in our lives. It’s never really easy and sometimes the wounds go so deep that it is difficult to imagine actually forgiving that person. Forgiveness can be even more difficult if the offender is someone close to you whom you feel should have known better. When someone whom you trust hurts you badly, how do you begin to recover from that? In order to push past the pain of an offense, you need to settle in your heart that unforgiveness is not an option for you. Regardless of how difficult forgiving is, the disadvantages of unforgiveness far outweigh the satisfaction you might derive from holding on to a grudge. It has been rightly said that unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. Forgiveness benefits you more than the other person. If you don’t forgive, you continue to hurt yourself, and sometimes innocent people who have nothing to do with the original offense. To be able to forgive, we need to be clear about what forgiveness is and what it is not.

Forgiving is a decision, not a feeling

You don’t need to feel forgiving to forgive. If you wait for your feelings of hurt to subside before you forgive someone, it will probably never happen. People sometimes talk about waiting until they have come to the point in their hearts where they feel they can forgive. While this all sounds very plausible, in reality, a decision to forgive comes first. You need to make up your mind to forgive the person who has offended you and your feelings will catch up with your decision later. Forgiveness does not mean you will no longer feel anything about that situation. To a certain extent, forgiveness is as much a process as it is a one-off decision. Even after you have made the choice to forgive, experiencing healing is more often a process than an immediate occurrence. Flashbacks of that situation may cause you to feel the pain over again but as you continue to hand the pain back to God each time that happens, you are giving Him the opportunity to heal your heart and restore you to wholeness.

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the incident and forgetting is not a prerequisite for forgiving. In fact, very often we learn valuable lessons from the most difficult situations in our lives which we do well not to forget. The fact that you cannot forget the incident does not mean that you are unable to forgive. You just need to come to terms with what has happened and find a sense of resolution in that. While you will still recollect what happened, even after forgiving, you will no longer be bound by it, and you will no longer feel the need to constantly remind the person of their offence. You will also have learned valuable lessons like what you need to do in future to strengthen your boundaries or get your needs met in a more productive way so that you don’t face the same sort of situation again.

Forgiving does not mean condoning

Forgiveness does not mean excusing or condoning bad behaviour. Sometimes, the thought of letting someone get away with what they have done is the biggest hurdle people face when trying to forgive. When we face injustice, we want to be vindicated and compensated. We feel that if we forgive the person who hurt us, we are giving them licence to continue to take advantage of us rather than taking responsibility for the wrong they have done. We wish we could make them pay us back for what they did. However, we need to come to terms with the fact that only God can pay us back. He is the only one who can compensate us for what we have lost, heal us, and restore us when we forgive as He expects us to. This does not mean that we should continue to leave ourselves open to hurt. In some situations, it might be appropriate to redefine the terms of the relationship, for instance if it is a friendship or a work situation where the person involved refuses to alter their approach. Even in a marriage situation, forgiveness does not mean that work does not need to be done to address the issues that created the hurt and restore the relationship to a healthy footing. It just means that you are prepared to provide an enabling environment for that to happen.

Forgiveness does not depend on the other person recognising their fault

It is always easier to forgive when the other person acknowledges that they have wronged you, but what if they don’t? What if they refuse to acknowledge the hurt they have caused you, or worse still if they delight in your pain? Does that excuse us from forgiving? We can take an example from our Lord, Jesus, who actively forgave the perpetrators as they nailed Him to the cross. Sometimes, the offender may not even be around to see the damage they have done, so what do you do then? Sometimes people hold on to hurts caused by deceased parents, departed partners or even a total stranger who violated them for some unknown reason. In difficult situations like this, turn to God and express your pain, asking Him to give you grace to forgive. Take comfort from the fact that He feels your pain and He is able to restore your broken heart. God understands when we struggle to forgive and He offers grace. Speaking about Jesus, Hebrews 4:15-16 states ‘We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.’

Forgiveness is a sign of humility and brings us in touch with our own fallibility

Forgiveness does not mean you are being stupid as some people will have you think; it means that you are smart enough to know that you also are in need of forgiveness. Whoever hurt you is a flawed human being, just as you are. When we forgive, we acknowledge that we are not infallible and that we are as much in need of forgiveness as our offender is. When we willfully refuse to forgive we set ourselves up as judge over that person, usurping the role of God. The greatest disadvantage of unforgiveness is that it places a wedge between us and God. We all require God’s forgiveness and, as a pre-condition to God’s forgiveness, He requires that we extend forgiveness to others. He knows that we will get hurt but He also knows that we have the capacity to forgive because He gave us that capacity. Even if that person has hurt you repeatedly, Jesus makes it clear in Matthew 18:21-22 that you have the capacity to forgive 70×7 times. The obvious upshot of that command is that it is practically impossible to record the wrongs someone has done you to that degree. I pray that God will give you the largeness of heart to let go of every hurt and experience the liberty that comes from living a life free from offense.

How have you found grace to forgive in difficult situations? Please share your thoughts with me by leaving a comment on Facebook .

What your wife wishes you knew about her

Wed, 24 Feb 2016 20:37:00 GMT

Do you consider your wife to be incredibly complex? Some men throw their hands up in despair and exclaim, ‘What does a woman want?’ In reality, all that your wife wants is love. The difficulty arises from the fact that love is such an amorphous word which means different things to different people. This makes it hard to tie down in practical terms what a woman really wants from her husband. When we turn to the Bible for some clarity, we immediately discover that loving your wife entails a lot more than some men bargain for. Ephesians 5:25 begins, ‘Husbands, love your wives…’ If the scripture ended there, it would be easier to fulfil because each husband would be free to attach his personal interpretation to the word ‘love’ . However, the verse goes on to say, ‘…as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it’ . That says it all. ‘Love’ is really only love if it is sacrificial and costs you something. Jesus gave His all for the Church. He laid down His life. What are you prepared to lay down for your wife?

The message translation of that scripture is even more explicit. ‘Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting’ . True love is all about what you can give, not what you can get. It’s about going all out and not holding back. As far as Christ is concerned, your first thought when you marry a wife should be ‘What can I do for her? not ‘What can she do for me? ’ I have to say, that’s a really tall order and it cuts against the grain of our selfish human nature. It is in our makeup to always think of ourselves first but every husband is called to something much higher than that. So in practical terms, how does giving love operate? What can you do that will communicate your love unquestionably to your wife?

First and foremost a woman needs to feel secure in her husband’s love. She needs to know that she is her husband’s first priority after God. She needs the assurance that she comes first in his affections, above any other human being. Your wife knows that she’s not the prettiest, smartest, most talented woman in the universe but she wants you to feel like she is – and tell her so. Women thrive when they are the centre of their husband’s affections. It makes them feel secure. If your wife has to ask you ‘Do you love me?’ it means that you probably need to do a better job of reassuring her that she is secure in your love. Tell your wife often that you love her, that you appreciate, and that you think she’s beautiful. This is one of the biggest boosts you can give to your wife’s sense of security.

Your wife also needs to know that you are committed to keeping her safe from physical, emotional and financial harm. She needs to know that you are willing to step up and be her protector in whatever she faces in life. While she understands that God is her ultimate protector and provider, she needs to be confident that you will stand between her and anything that threatens her wellbeing in a heartbeat. She needs to be certain that you will exert all your God-given abilities to be a blessing to her and make her life better – spiritually, mentally and physically. She needs to see evidence of your commitment to her wellbeing, and that of the family, on a daily basis. This gives her assurance that she is in safe hands.

Thirdly, your wife needs you to show her kindness and consideration. She juggles a lot of different roles in order to keep the family running smoothly and meet your needs, and she needs you to recognise and appreciate that. Place value on your wife’s contributions. When a woman feels taken for granted, it demotivates and de-energises her, taking the joy out of everything she does. When you listen to her, show her that her opinions matter, acknowledge her struggles and offer her your support, your wife will thrive, and willingly go to any lengths to be a blessing to you.

I can think of no better way to end this post than to highlight the standard Christ has set for husbands in Ephesians 5:26-28. ‘Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favour—since they’re already “one” in marriage.’

Women, have I missed out anything that matters to you? Please share your thoughts with me below this post on Facebook .

How to pray for your unsaved spouse

Wed, 24 Feb 2016 20:27:00 GMT

Being in a marriage where your spouse does not share your faith in Christ can sometimes be a difficult experience. If your faith is central to the way you live your life, not being able to share that with your spouse can be trying at times. More so, your love for your spouse will mean that you are concerned for his or her spiritual wellbeing. One of the greatest acts of love you can show to someone is praying for them and one of the most powerful things you can do for your marriage is to pray regularly for your spouse. You are the one person that loves your spouse more than anyone else in the world and if you don’t pray for them who will? You need to bear in mind that praying for your spouse without referring to God’s word is no more effective than wishful thinking. To pray effectively you need to be armed with God’s word. God’s promises are your guarantee for answered prayers. Don’t be random in your approach to prayer. Base your prayers on specific promises from God’s word and see His will unfold in your spouse’s life. Below is a guide on how to pray for your unsaved spouse with relevant scriptures.

Know that you are praying in line with God’s will

One of the most comforting scriptures to refer to when you’re praying for an unsaved person, especially your spouse, is 2 Peter 3:9. ‘The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.’ It is God’s will that your spouse finds salvation so when you are praying along these lines, you can be confident that you are praying in line with God’s will. God does not want your spouse to miss out on eternal life so He will continue to work to bring him or her to salvation. If you have been praying for your spouse for a long time, remember that God has not given up on them yet so neither should you. Because your spouse’s will is involved it might take a while because God will not override a person’s will. However, you can rest assured that God is able to manoeuvre your spouse into a position where he or she becomes willing to receive Christ, even if He has to give them a Paul-like experience!

Pray that your spouse’s heart will be turned towards God

You may look at your spouse’s lifestyle and be tempted to think that he or she is an impossible case. Jesus has touched people far more rebellious against Him than your spouse so rest assured that He is able to deliver on His promise. God specialises in softening hard hearts. Hear Him in Jeremiah 24:7. ‘I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.’ He goes further to say in Ezekiel 36:26, ‘I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.’ These are all scriptures you can claim for your spouse. Pray that God will change his or her heart so that they will have a desire to walk with the Lord.

Pray for God to send the right person to influence your spouse for Christ

It is frequently the case that unsaved spouses are more open to learning about God from someone else other than their spouse. You might say the same thing over and over without seemingly producing any response. Suddenly, someone else comes into your spouse’s life as a Christian witness and they are more open to receiving. This is why it is usually best to stick to praying for your spouse rather than preaching at them. Your spouse is more likely to be won over by your kind and godly conduct than by anything you say. If your spouse asks questions about your faith, by all means share Christ with them in a non-judgemental manner. However, there is usually something less threatening about a neutral person pointing out our need for a life-change than a spouse who knows all our faults. In Luke 10:2 Jesus says, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.’ Ask God to send someone into your spouse’s life who will lead them to Christ and will serve as a positive influence.

Pray that your conduct will be a positive influence

Don’t forget to pray for yourself, asking God to position you to be a help and not a hindrance to your spouse finding salvation. Ask God to help you relate with your spouse in a wise manner that reinforces the work of the Holy Spirit in his or her life. James 3:17-18 reminds us that ‘ … the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.’ Being wise in your approach to your unsaved spouse is especially important when it is the husband who is unsaved. Any man will resist being told what to do by his wife which is why 1 Peter 3:1-4 makes it clear that a husband is more likely to be won ‘without a word’ from his wife. Men are more likely to respond to the silent witness of their wife’s godly life than nagging from her to change their ways. The Message version of that scripture puts it this way. ‘Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.’ A kind, caring, non-judgemental attitude from his wife is the highest witness an unsaved man can experience. There is no point expecting your husband to act like a believer if he is not. Berating him for an ungodly lifestyle will do nothing to change him, and may even harden him. Remember, you cannot hold him to Christian standards of living until he actually accepts Christ.

Remind God that you’re trusting in Him

God is not depending on you to bring your spouse to salvation. He is quite capable of orchestrating that Himself. What He does need you to do is to bring the matter to Him and persist in intercession. No matter how hard your spouse’s heart is, God has a formula for softening it so don’t lose hope, even if it takes longer than you would have liked. Hear the words of Jeremiah 32:17, 26-27. ‘Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.’ ‘Then the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah: “I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?”’ Nothing is too hard for God – even your spouse’s salvation. Trust God, do not be discouraged and do not give up. Philippians 4:6-7 encourages us in this respect. ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’ Do what you can do, pray and be at peace that God will do what only He can do.

If this has been helpful to you, please pass it on to someone else and leave me a comment on Facebook.

Why trust matters in a relationship

Sun, 21 Feb 2016 15:58:00 GMT

Trust is the bedrock of a stable marriage. Without it, vulnerability is an uphill task. Yet, vulnerability is a prerequisite for a successful marriage because in order to open up and truly love and be loved by someone, you must believe that your heart is safe in their keeping. Trust cannot be demanded; it is a gift that is earned. The early stages of a relationship are based on risking a little bit of ourselves and watching how the other person responds.

Picture yourself and your partner trying to assemble a lovely glass ornament together. You hand them the first precious piece of that ornament and observe what they do with it. If they handle it carefully, admiring its beauty, you confidently hand them the next piece. They gingerly put the two pieces together, raising the unfinished work up to the light to appreciate its beauty, and you feel safe. You are confident enough to trust them with the next piece, and the next, until the ornament is complete. If at any stage your partner disdains a precious piece of that ornament which you have handed to them, tossing it in the bin or smashing it on the floor, chances are you will be unwilling to hand them the next piece. They never get to complete the ornament. Even a completed ornament can be shattered at any stage in the relationship. This is how fragile trust can be. Trust is earned over time but it can be lost in the fraction of a moment. While broken trust can be rebuilt, it takes a lot of time and testing to recover what has been lost.

Before you bestow your trust upon someone, they must demonstrate that they are worthy of it. You should be able to trust that your partner’s word is their bond; that what they say and what they do are congruent; that where they said they were going is exactly where they went; that the way they spent their time is as you were told; that they will not conceal from you who they were with or mislead you as to what they have spent. Trust is built on truth. When deception enters a relationship, it tampers with the very foundations of that relationship. If your partner gives you cause to doubt their integrity when you are in a courtship, marriage will only magnify the problem. Whatever you do, do not compromise on this element of your relationship. The last thing you need is to be in a marriage where you constantly feel the need to be on guard. Deep down inside, even the most daring and adventurous individual craves safety and permanence in their closest relationships. We want to be certain that the other person will always be there for us. In an uncertain world, we seek a secure space in which we can be ourselves and be confident that we will be loved as we are, always. If your relationship is to stand the chance of surviving, let alone thriving, trust is non-negotiable.

On the other hand, being in a relationship with someone who finds it difficult to trust can be emotionally exhausting. Trust is closely linked to our beliefs about honesty and faithfulness. A person who expects dishonesty in a relationship will create it even where it does not exist. If your partner has underlying questions about your capacity for faithfulness, he or she will be unable to trust you completely, even where there is no reason to doubt you. Very often, inability to trust is a construct of past experiences. An insecure childhood or traumatic relationships in the past can create an aversion to vulnerability and an attitude of suspicion. The default position of such a person is that you are always guilty until proven innocent. They often suspect the worst until their fears are proven to be unfounded. 1 John 4:18 (NIV) makes it clear that fear and love cannot cohabit. ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’ I once had to counsel a young wife whose love was being suffocated by her husband’s distrust. He would not let her work because she would be in constant contact with other men. When he was away he would call her constantly to check where she was, and call the neighbours to check that she was actually at home when she said she was. He would lose his temper if he saw her talking to another man. The list went on and on. Mistrust is an unhealthy footing from which to attempt to build a healthy relationship.

If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is compulsively jealous and suspicious of your every move, the underlying script running that person’s mind is fear, not love. If you have to keep proving yourself over and over again because of your partner’s insecurities, you will both miss out on the freedom that love affords you. Deep-seated trust issues can be alleviated through sound counsel from the word and prayer. However, if your partner is in denial and feels entirely justified in needing to track your every move and forensically search your mobile phone every time you meet for evidence of unfaithfulness, you might need to reconsider the viability of such a relationship. If trust is absent, the demise of the relationship is only a matter of time.

What are your thoughts about building trust in a relationship? What experiences have you had? Please share your views with me on Facebook or Twitter .

The secret to sexual fulfilment in marriage

Sun, 21 Feb 2016 15:33:00 GMT

Sex – everyone is thinking about it but no one wants to talk about it. The reticence many couples feel about discussing their sex life has shrouded satisfying marital sex in an air of mystery for as long as man has existed. The Bible is not silent about sex so we shouldn’t be. Sex was God’s idea, not the devil’s. I can still recall the first time, as a teenager, when I discovered the book of Song of Solomon in my Bible. I was astounded and embarrassed! How did that get in there? I know better now. If you still have the mistaken idea that sex is unspiritual, that calls for a renewal of your mind. You need to begin to view it from God’s perspective. God celebrates sex throughout scripture but He is very particular about the context in which it occurs – within marriage.

I have discovered that misinformation is one of the greatest enemies of a satisfying sex life in marriage. We assume that if we follow our feelings, mutually satisfying sex should come naturally but the evidence suggests that this is definitely not so. Accurate and adequate information is crucial to enjoying sex in marriage. The dilemma many Christians face is finding reliable, balanced information about sex which is rooted in God’s word. Friends, Hollywood does not know what was in God’s mind when He created sex so we should not look to Hollywood to define what marital sex should be like. One of the best things that happened to my marriage was discovering a book by a Christian couple, Tim and Beverly LaHaye, titled ‘ The Act of Marriage’ . I discovered this resource shortly before I got married and it served as a foundation-laying manual for me and my husband in our first year of marriage. The masterful way in which they de-mystified the subject has made me a fan for life. I still recommend it when I counsel couples and the feedback is always great. You don’t know what you don’t know until you encounter eye-opening information!

One of the most pivotal things I learnt from that book is the subject of this post. This bit of information has helped me immeasurably in my 20 years of marital life and it is something I keep reminding myself about. Knowing this one secret and working with it can eliminate a lot of the sexual frustration married couples experience. So what is this secret you may ask? It’s simply this – men and women view sex completely differently and they want different things out of the sexual experience. Someone might be thinking, ‘Is that it?’ Perhaps you thought I was going to share some earth-shattering revelation on frequency, technique or any of the other factors that contribute to a satisfying sex life. Quite frankly, once we truly grasp and understand the fact that husbands and wives view sex differently, and this will always be the case, we are well on the way to enjoying the kind of sex life God intended.

That’s why focusing on what you want out of sex will never deliver to you a fulfilling sex life. It may satisfy you short term but you will never experience the full spectrum of what God had in mind when He designed the sexual experience. Doing what comes to you naturally will not satisfy your spouse; neither will loving your spouse sexually in the way you want to be loved. I believe that marital sex, the way God intended, is the ultimate test of selflessness and that this is why God made men and women so different. If you are going to truly enjoy your sex life with your spouse, you will need to tune into his or her needs to understand what they want. This is the only way to solve the dilemma of conflicting needs.

For instance, most men desire sex more frequently than their wives. There are exceptions but this is often the case. The moment a wife discovers that this is not an anomaly in her husband, but it is God’s design, everything changes. I have often said that if God left the business of propagating the human race to women, the human race would probably be extinct by now! Wives are more often concerned about the quality, rather than the quantity, of sexual encounters with their husbands. They want caring, kindness, consideration and non-sexual touch – which is not leading to anything – this is what makes them feel valued and loved, and positions them in the right frame of mind for sex. A husband might want sex to relieve his stress while his wife wants her stress to be relieved before she is ready for sex. He has had a hard day and feels the one thing that will make it better is to have his wife in his arms; she has had a hard day and the only thing on her mind is hugging her pillow and dropping off to sleep. Sometimes the husband wants to go straight to the point while his wife wishes he would take it slow. She wants to talk; he wants action. Does any of this sound familiar? This is the kind of stuff that marital conflict and frustration is made of. So what’s the answer to this conundrum of conflicting needs?

I believe the answer, in one word, is selflessness . Place your spouse’s needs above yours. Outdo each other with generosity and kindness. Sex is one place in marriage where selfishness has to die for satisfaction to be experienced. Aim to please your spouse, not just yourself. Wives, don’t expect your husband to wait until you are ready for sex before sex happens. That is a recipe for frustration. Make it a priority and consciously work it into your busy schedule. Don’t act like it’s an inconvenience. Let your husband know that you enjoy your sexual relationship with him. Husbands, when you express understanding and appreciation for all the million and one things your wife does daily to keep your family going, it makes her feel valued and more inclined towards sex. So you don’t see the point of admiration and sweet words? The fact that you don’t need that doesn’t make her need less legitimate. If that’s what your wife yearns for, give it to her and you will reap the benefits. In essence, when you give more of what your spouse needs, you get more of what you need. Don’t short-change yourself with self-centeredness. Experience the liberation of a giving sexual relationship. Above all, add some humour to spice up your sex life. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Laugh together. Share private jokes just between the two of you. Sex is a barometer that can indicate the health of a marriage, among other things, so give your best to your spouse.

Do you have any thoughts to share about this? Please share your views with me on Facebook or Twitter .

What your husband wishes you knew about him

Sat, 20 Feb 2016 21:35:00 GMT

Your man wants to be your hero. Many boys identify with superheroes like Superman and Spiderman when they are growing up because these larger-than-life characters speak to something inside them. Every man has an innate need to be respected; to be the one who steps in and saves the day; to be the one that rescues the world or the damsel in distress, and gets the praise for it. This also means that most men will not attempt anything unless they feel they have a reasonable chance of success. This goes for pleasing their wife as well. If a man feels like he can be successful at loving his wife and consequently see respect and admiration in her eyes, he will put forth the effort required. If however he feels like he can’t win regardless of how hard he tries, he will give up that pursuit and concentrate on other things which will give him more ready success.

This is why nagging never, ever works on a man. Have you ever seen a man changed by nagging? When you nag a man, it communicates to him that you consider him to be inadequate. It makes him feel disrespected. This does nothing to inspire him to change; rather it makes him dig in his heels and insist that his wife accepts him as he is. Nagging is a fruitless exercise and it beats me why anyone persists in it. Nagging is, of course, not the exclusive preserve of women but because we tend to be more verbal than men, and we care so deeply about our homes, we are more inclined towards it than most men are. One thing we do need to remember though is that a man will resist being controlled by a woman with every fibre of his being. When you nag your husband, you inadvertently remind him of his mother. It should therefore not surprise you if he appears to have very little romantic feeling towards you. No one in their right minds would feel romantically inclined towards a mother-figure!

The misleading thing about nagging is that we usually feel justified because the points we raise are true. My definition of nagging is simply telling a man the truth about his faults over and over and over again. He doesn’t need his wife to point out his faults to him. The world is already doing a good job of that. Chances are he is already well aware of his faults and failings. Be the one voice that reassures him that he is something, that he can be something, that he means something to you. King Solomon had a lot to say about nagging women. Hear him in Proverbs 21:9, ‘Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife’ . He repeats himself for effect in Proverbs 21:19 and 25:24. He must have had a lot of experience with it, considering the fact that he had 700 wives! Some women behave as if they are on a mission to save their husband from himself. We behave as if he is not competent to make sensible decisions and then marvel when he refuses to step up and assume leadership responsibility in the home. If a man thinks his leadership capacity has been pre-judged, he will either not bother to try or go off on the other extreme of being a dictator.

There is nothing more powerful to a man than the unconditional approval and respect of his wife. Does this mean that he will always get it right? Absolutely not, but if he knows that your default position is full support for him, he will lead with confidence knowing that even when he makes a mistake you will recognise that everything he does is in the best interests of his family. Even when you have a different opinion from your husband, don’t try to force your point of view. He has ultimate responsibility for the wellbeing of the family before God and he needs to know that you trust his judgement. If he does get it wrong, having not followed your advice, it is so tempting to descend to the ‘I told you so’ mindset. Resist that temptation. Leadership is hard and leaders need the latitude to make decisions and sometimes make mistakes without being judged. Failure, as well as success, will strengthen a man’s leadership muscles. We learn most in life, not from what we get right, but from what we get wrong.

The wise woman understands that she is not her husband’s teacher; she is his lover. When you position yourself correctly, he will freely open his deepest insecurities and fears to you knowing that you will minister grace and healing. If you position yourself as his teacher, he will occupy himself with proving that he is quite capable without you. One of the most empowering things you can do for your husband is to communicate your approval – loud and long. Make a big song and dance about his contributions and achievements. Praise him in private and in public. Does this mean that we should never point out mistakes our husband is making? Not necessarily but there is a time and place for everything. When your husband knows that he has your unconditional respect, he will be open to your opinions. Acceptance always precedes transformation.

Do you have any thoughts to share about this? Have your say on Facebook or Twitter .

How to weather a storm in your marriage

Fri, 12 Feb 2016 22:18:00 GMT

Storms come to every marriage at some stage, and they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. No one likes to talk about storms but they show up nonetheless. Storms are a fact of life woven into the fabric of every marriage. The Bible makes it clear that storms will come; they are part of the human experience. We would rather avoid them but we can come out stronger if we face them with courage. If you are going through a storm right now, the one thing to remember is that it’s not the category of storm you face that determines whether your marriage will survive; it’s the foundation you have built your marriage upon. Storms don’t destroy marriages; they simply reveal what the marriage is made of. If you’re currently in the eye of a storm in your marriage, be assured that your marriage can survive and even thrive. Here are three key things to focus on when you’re working your way through a challenge in your home.

Face your storms as a team

The first thing you need to be alert to is the propensity of a storm to turn partners into foes. Sometimes when couples face tough times, rather than facing the storm hand-in-hand, together as a team, they turn and begin to blame each other. Cue Adam and Eve. As soon as things began to fall apart in the romantic Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve quickly began to trade blame. That tendency is still alive and well in their descendants. We all have a tendency to focus on fixing the blame rather than fixing the situation.

Blame can very quickly lead to the disintegration of a relationship. It pitches couples on opposing sides and dismantles their defences against the onslaught of life’s challenges. Refuse to play the blame game. Stick together no matter what. Stand shoulder to shoulder and fight the situation together. Apportioning blame, regardless of who may be at fault, does nothing to fix the problem. It only weakens the foundations of the marriage. Couples need to be able to extend grace to each other even when costly mistakes have been made on either side.

Refuse to play the victim

One of the things that make it most difficult to deal with storms in life is when we have an erroneous perspective of the storm. Every marriage has its own share of challenges. What makes the difference between those that fail and those that succeed is the attitude with which we face those challenges.

Attitude is a direct result of perspective. The way you view your situation will determine how you respond to it. If you convince yourself that everybody else is better off than you, that you have been cheated by God, that God is not helping you out like He should, or that you have been hard done by, it becomes difficult to view that situation positively. ‘Victim mentality’ is a thoroughly disempowering mindset.

When you focus upon the unfairness of your situation, it becomes very difficult to see just how blessed you are in other areas. Things may be going well in every other area of life but as humans we tend to make an obsession out of the one thing that seems to be going wrong. That is a natural tendency that we must fight in order to gain victory over our storms. What you focus on the most becomes your idea of reality. The one remedy that helps us correct our perspective is focussing on the positives – and believe me, in every situation there is a positive if you look closely enough. When you count your blessings, it becomes more apparent that you are actually blessed; that you are in a better position than many other people in our world; and that you have been positioned for victory by God.

Pray and focus on God’s word

If you’re going through a tough time in your marriage, remember that God has not abandoned you. He is always working for our good in every situation, even when we can’t see it. Draw strength from praying with and for each other. Prayer not only changes things; it also changes us because it builds faith in our hearts and instils confidence about our final outcome. No matter how hard it might look right now, there will always be a brighter day.

As you pray, focus on God’s word for your family. Remind yourself of God’s promises and take encouragement from His word. Matthew 7:24-27 makes it clear that when we build our lives on the word of God, acting consistently on it, even when the storms come, they will pass and your marriage will remain intact. Be strong in God and in His word. God will not leave you without help. You will emerge on the other side of this storm with a story of victory because God is by your side.

Have you been helped by this article? Share it with someone else and share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter .

How to tackle loneliness in marriage

Fri, 12 Feb 2016 21:42:00 GMT

Although God created marriage for companionship, companionship is not a natural result of getting married. The natural trend of any relationship is towards isolation and not intimacy. Intimacy does not just occur simply because you are married. It is the choices that we make after we are married that create an atmosphere of intimacy or isolation in a marriage. No couple ever consciously sets out to lead isolated lives; it just happens, one unconscious decision at a time. The rest of this article will help you identify three of the top reasons for isolation in marriage, how they may be affecting your marriage and what you can do about them.

Busyness

It should not surprise you that in our busy world, one of the strongest factors influencing the level of intimacy in our marriages is busyness. About 20 years ago, I read a book titled, ‘Pulling together when you’re pulled apart’ by Stuart and Jill Briscoe. It was my first year of marriage and my husband and I were as close as ever so many of the stories they shared on couples feeling lonely in marriage did not immediately resonate with me. However, they shared an illustration which has stuck with me over the years. Drawing on the principle of centrifugal forces in Physics, they described a situation where you spin an object round and round rapidly, much like you would do with a ball on a piece of string for instance. When you let go of the object, the natural tendency is for the object to fly outwards, not inwards. So it is with our marriages. When our lives are spinning round and round at a frantic pace, our natural tendency as a couple is to fly outwards towards isolation rather than inwards towards intimacy in the marriage. Jobs, children, family commitments, friends, even church commitments, can sometimes conspire to take up all of our time until we have nothing left for each other as a couple.

So what is the solution to inordinate busyness? We need to remember that intimacy in marriage is a deliberate choice – it is not a random occurrence. If you do not deliberately schedule time for each other, you will never have time for each other. It’s as simple as that. Scheduling time for each other demonstrates that you consider your relationship to be a priority. Start incrementally, perhaps by scheduling half an hour in your day when you can focus on each other and open up your hearts without the intrusion of technology. Forget your mobile phone, turn off the TV, and spend some time catching up with your spouse. Subsequently, you might be able to carve out a day a week, a weekend every month or even a week every year when you can reconnect as a couple and remember why you got married in the first place.

Unresolved conflict

Companionship thrives in an atmosphere of harmony. When there is disharmony in a marriage it is very difficult to feel close to each other. Unresolved conflict acts like a barrier or a wedge between the two of you and it must be removed in order for intimacy to be restored to your marriage. This is why it is dangerous to sweep issues under the carpet. Piling things up only serves to drive you further and further apart. Take the time to talk through your issues and iron out your differences. Resolve each issue as it comes, put it behind you and deliberately pull together again as a couple.

Divergent interests

One of the quickest ways to build intimacy in marriage is to do things together. Sometimes couples struggle because they have divergent interest. There is very little common ground. Perhaps when you first got married you had a lot of shared interests but over the years you have both developed divergent interests. It pays to take a conscious interest in what interests your spouse, whatever that might be – sports, politics, fitness, travel, whatever. Enter into your spouse’s world. The more common interests you share, the more you will have to talk about with each other and the closer you will feel to each other.

What will you do to promote intimacy in your marriage today? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter .

One thing every single woman should do

Fri, 12 Feb 2016 21:15:00 GMT

If I had one opportunity to speak to every single woman under the sun; if I could share only one bit of advice; if I could offer only one bit of encouragement; I would simply say, ‘Do it now!’ What exactly is ‘It’ you might ask? My answer would be, ‘Whatever dream God has placed in your heart’ . ‘It’ will differ from one person to the next. ‘It’ will depend on the thing that drives and motivates you. Whatever mountain you feel the need to conquer; whatever adventure you feel you were born to pursue; whatever contribution you feel you were created to make to this world; do it now!

Live your life to the fullest. Don’t wait for ‘ Mr Right’ to come along and help you chart the course of your life. Your assignment from God is unique to you and the presence or absence of a man in your life will not add to or diminish your responsibility for what you were born to do. Your husband will not answer for your call and you will not answer for his. We are each individually accountable to God for the gifts He has given us and the assignment He has created us to fulfil. It would certainly be rewarding to have someone to share your assignment with right now but don’t suspend your dreams while you’re waiting for ‘him’ to turn up. Let ‘him’ meet you busy with the business of life.

All I’m trying to say is don’t put your life on hold. You were created to be an asset to our world and on your own you have something unique to contribute. Bring all your gifts to bear on this present moment. Maximise this season. Don’t let your longing for the next season rob you of the beauty of this one. Don’t put your dreams on ice simply because your dream man hasn’t showed up yet. Focus on what you’ve got; don’t concentrate on what you’ve not. While you are free of the responsibility of a family, enjoy this moment to the fullest and make your best contribution to our world.

The ideal scenario may be for you to get married on cue when you want to. But what if that hasn’t happened yet? Should you postpone living until you have someone in your life? Should you press the ‘pause’ button on your dreams until love finds you? There are things you can do in this season of your life that may not come so easily in the next. Want to go back to school? Do it now. Want to start a business? Do it now! Want to travel? Do it now! Serve in church faithfully. Learn a new skill. Develop your gifts. Pursue God with passion. Write your book. Release your album. Give to charity. Gain financial mastery. Invest in property. Start a new project. Whatever your life is meant to be about in the future, start now!

Whatever you do, don’t underestimate the power of this season of your life. Ten years down the line you will be ten years older, whether you like it or not. It’s up to you whether you’re also ten times more knowledgeable, ten times more skilled, ten times more financially stable, ten times more valuable. It’s up to you how much impact you’ve made, how many lives you’ve blessed, how much value you have added to our world. These are things no man can give you and no man can take away from you. Your contribution to our world is yours to make. Don’t let the presence or absence of a man in your life dictate the impact you can make right now. You are not a second-class citizen so don’t let anyone make you feel that way. You are a daughter of the King so carry your assignment with dignity.

There is power in your vision; live it now. Fill every waking moment with purpose and live your life to the hilt. Some people may try to sell you the idea that a man will not be attracted to a woman who is too established. So should you rob the world of the gift of you to cater to the insecurities of someone you haven’t met yet? Great men are attracted to women of purpose because they will see in you a strong ally who will help them further their own dreams. The man God has for you will celebrate your gifts, your skills, your competencies and your achievements. He will not be threatened in the least because he will see you as a help, not a hindrance. He will be able to share your triumphs as you will also share in his. Live the life you were born to live without apology. The virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 was a woman of purpose, a business woman, an investor and a wonderful wife and mother. I suspect that her resourcefulness did not begin when she got married. She had most likely cultivated the habits of success before she got married. Her husband was not in the least bit intimidated by her accomplishments – he praised her!

I want to give a shout out to all the single women out there who are giving God their best, filling their lives with purposeful pursuits, bettering our communities, living their dreams, blessing the lives of others, achieving great feats, and basically maximising this moment against all odds. I celebrate the gift of you. Your next season will favour you because you have not discounted the value of this current season.

What dream have you been nursing for a while? What do you need to begin to do now to see its fulfilment? Share your thoughts with me on Twitter or Facebook .

How to affair-proof your marriage

Tue, 09 Feb 2016 20:10:00 GMT

One of the things I cherish most about my husband is the way in which he has consistently put his relationship with me above any other human relationship. This has built such an unshakable trust in my heart and done wonders for our marriage. I met my husband when he was in his final year in engineering school and I was in my first year of architecture school. We spent one year together on campus before he graduated and subsequently we spent 6 years apart while I finished university. He worked in a city nearly 500 miles away from me but never once did I doubt that he would be faithful to me.

How could I be so confident of his commitment? Throughout the time we spent together in our first year he made it clear that our relationship was something he wanted to shout about. Everyone who cared to know knew that we were in a relationship. Even when he moved to a different city, in his office he had a photograph of me prominently displayed on his desk to warn all the ladies that he was spoken for! He would talk about me whenever he had the opportunity. The first time I ever walked into his office it was clear that everyone knew who I was. I felt so honoured.

One of the things I respect so much about him is the way in which he has clearly defined boundaries around our relationship over the years. As a pastor he has been careful never to counsel another woman without someone else in the room. He would never give a ride to a woman alone in his car, if she was not family, without finding another man to ride with him. His boundaries have always been clear. They may seem extreme but extreme commitment requires extreme measures. I believe my husband does these things not primarily because he doesn’t trust himself but because he wants to honour me. Everyone knows that I come first in my husband’s life after God. That’s the way marriage should be.

Do you honour your spouse and does it show? Does everyone else know that they come first in your life? Is it clear that he or she is your top priority after God? Honouring your spouse often means drawing clear boundaries so that other people cannot encroach into the circle of love that binds you together with your spouse. So what does this mean in practical terms? If there is someone you enjoy talking to more than your husband or wife, it means your boundaries are not clear enough. If there is someone you would rather spend time with than your spouse, it means your boundaries are not clear enough. This is even more dangerous when the person you spend time talking to is a member of the opposite sex. If you travel frequently for work, your boundaries need to be clear to your work colleagues. You have no business having a late night dinner with a member of the opposite sex alone, far away from home, and chatting into the night, if you really honour your spouse. Most affairs do not start off as a sexual relationship; they begin as a seemingly innocent emotional connection that gets deeper with more and more sharing and talking.

Sometimes married individuals maintain individual friendships with friends from their past before they got married. This is particularly dangerous when those friends are members of the opposite sex. For the health of your marriage you either need to draw those friends in so that they become friends with you as a couple or you need to let them go. If you are not prepared to reprioritise your relationships so that your spouse comes first you are not truly ready for marriage.

I listened with great amazement as a married woman did everything she could to defend a budding relationship which she had with a younger married man, telling me how spiritual it was. They would confide in each other constantly, speak on the phone frequently, text each other daily and even pray with each other frequently, and she was surprised that his wife was upset. She put it down to the woman’s insecurities. I could not believe that anyone could be so naive. Or perhaps it was just denial. Infidelity does not just jump on people out of the blue; it sneaks up on you when your guard is down. Proverbs 22:3 contains sound wisdom. ‘Sensible people will see trouble coming and avoid it, but an unthinking person will walk right into it and regret it later.’

Make up your mind to draw clear boundaries around your marriage. Honour your spouse in the decisions that you make daily. Cultivate your friendship with your spouse above any other human relationship. Work at it even if it is not easy. Even if you are going through a difficult patch in your marriage do everything you can to pull together as a couple. Intimacy is a direct result of time spent together sharing. Give your spouse the gift of intimacy today.

What boundaries do you need to create today to secure the future of your marriage?

Preparing your children for 21st Century living

Fri, 29 Jan 2016 21:33:00 GMT

Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs in the world but it is also one of the most rewarding. In this post we continue our series on raising children who are future-ready. If you have not yet done so, you will benefit from reading my previous post ‘Raising future-proof children’ where I shared the first six practices for raising children effectively. Here are the next six tips.

Prepare them for independence
Don’t send your children out into the world without life skills. Teach them to cook. Teach them to clean up after themselves. Teach them to manage money. The latter is particularly important and is one of the life skills we often neglect to pass on to our children. Financial illiteracy holds many people back early in life. Many adults admit that they would have been in a better place financially as young adults if their parents taught them early to tithe, give and also to save and invest. If your children leave home without financial skills, they will very quickly dig themselves into a hole which you may have to bail them out of. Opening savings accounts for your children when they are very young is an excellent practice which is highly recommended but we must also recognise that this is only half of the equation. It does nothing to impart financial skills to your children as they don’t manage the account themselves. You may wish to start by giving them small amounts of weekly pocket money and showing them how to tithe and save off that. Don’t automatically give them everything they want. Teach them to save for things that are within reach of their allowances. As they grow older, trust them to do some of the home shopping for essentials and require that they report back to you how much they spent, and promptly return the change. This teaches them financial accountability. When our first daughter turned 16, her birthday gift was some money, a trip to the bank to open her personal current and savings accounts, and a book on financial management written for teens which explained the principles of saving and investing and the dangers of debt. She has now had a lot of practice managing her personal finances so as she heads off to university this year, we are at peace that she is equipped to make sound financial decisions.

Listen, listen, listen
St Francis of Assisi famously said, ‘ Seek first to understand, then to be understood.’ Nowhere in the world does this matter more than in family life. Don’t unconsciously treat your children like an inconvenience. Be available to them, not just in body but also in mind and spirit. Give them focussed time. I am one of those people who is constantly on the move from the moment my eyes pop open in the morning to the time I hit my bed at night, but I have discovered the benefit of interrupting what I am doing at a particular moment to actually connect with my daughters when they want to share with me about their day or a challenge they have had in school. This communicates that I value them, much more than anything material I can ever give them. We all lead very busy lives; nevertheless we must understand that we have a window of opportunity to enter into our child’s world. If we miss that opportunity we will not be able to recapture those years when they are gone. If you want your children to be close to you when they leave home, the foundation must be laid while they’re still at home. If you’re not there for your children when they are young, don’t expect them to be there for you when you are old.

Treat them with respect
The way we speak to and treat our children shapes their view of what to expect from the outside world. We raise respectful children by modelling respect ourselves. If we expect our children to give us respect, we should be prepared to do the same for them. If we expect them to be polite, we should be polite in our dealings with them. My husband and I expect our children to say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ to us so we do the same for them. Respect begets respect. Also, when you’re wrong, apologise to your children. You will not always get it right but children are very forgiving when you’re honest with them. Don’t pretend you’re infallible. If you want your children to demonstrate humility you need to model it for them. You will not always get it right with your parenting. Godly parenting is not a call to perfection. Great parents are not made in heaven; they are shaped on earth through the process of learning. I believe all first-born children deserve a special star in heaven because they are essentially the subject of experimental parenting! We get better at it second time around if we do have more children. We should expect to make some mistakes as we raise our children; that’s part of being human. As long as we acknowledge our mistakes to our children, we will retain their respect in the long term.

Accentuate the positives
Some parents specialise in catching their children out when they do wrong. This breeds an atmosphere of negativity and fear in a home. You are not perfect so don’t expect your children to be. Don’t give all the airtime in your home to pointing out your children’s faults or mistakes otherwise they will begin to avoid you. Don’t just catch them doing wrong, catch them doing right. Praise them sincerely when they do right. Highlight their strengths frequently, helping them see how gifted they are and how blessed you are to have them. The more specific you are about your praise, the more memorable it will be to your children. ‘You are such a good boy’ is nowhere near as effective as ‘I like the way you helped your little sister with her shoes just now; you are such a caring big brother’ . The amazing thing is that your children never outgrow your praise. Even when we are adults, it is profoundly satisfying when our parents communicate that they are proud of us. The way you parent your children will go a long way in shaping their view of God as a Father. If you focus on the negatives they will believe that God is up there looking to catch them doing wrong as well. Be a good representative of God in your child’s life. We all respond better to praise than to criticism so even when you need to give your children negative feedback, sandwich it with some genuine praise. It makes it more palatable.

Discipline with love
Discipline is crucial in raising balanced children. We live in a world of consequences so our children need to learn that there is a reward or a cost for everything they do in life. When they are taught to obey authority when they are young, they will not struggle to respond appropriately to teachers, employers and other authority figures as they grow older. Nevertheless, we must show grace, even when we need to discipline them. The purpose of discipline is correction, not punishment, so even when you correct your children temper it with love. God exhorts us not to be harsh with our children. Harshness results when we discipline our children out of anger rather than love. The aim of God’s discipline is to shape the will, not to break the spirit. The same should apply to how we discipline our children.

Train them, then trust them
Expect your children to be responsible and they will rise to the occasion. Show them that you trust them and they will not want to disappoint you. You cannot monitor your children 24/7 but when you have given them principles to live by, let them know that you trust them to uphold those principles. Trust does not mean that you don’t verify that they have done what is required; it simply means that you always expect the best from them rather than anticipating the worst. Your belief in your children will be a powerful force that propels them towards excellence in life. Finally, as parents we can draw strength from God’s promise in Proverbs 22:6, ‘Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.’ Do your part with your children and trust God to do what you can’t do. Once you have laid down godly principles for them to live by and invested in your relationship with them, believe that even if they are ever tempted to stray from that path, they will return.

I would like to close on a personal note by sharing one of my most precious moments as a Mum. A few months ago, my eldest daughter Oyin came up to me out of the blue, hugged me and said, ‘You’re such an amazing Mum. I just want you to know that if anything ever goes wrong with me, it won’t be your fault. I feel like you’ve done everything perfectly and it’s all on me now.’ My typical-parent response was, ‘Just make sure nothing goes wrong, but that was so sweet!’ I know for a fact that I’m very far from perfect but I was so blessed by her words. In that moment I had flashbacks of diapers and potty training; learning to walk and learning to read; parents’ evenings and school presentations; showing her how to pray and to develop a personal devotion time; teaching her to cook and hounding her to clean her room. I remembered times when I scolded her and regretted it. Moments when I could have paid her more attention and didn’t. Missed opportunities and misunderstood intentions. In the final analysis all that matters is that it is wrapped in love and much prayer. Whatever you’re doing for your children, keep doing it as best you know how. Your sacrifices will be rewarded.

What are your own tips for raising children? Leave me a comment on Facebook as an encouragement to others.

Raising future-proof children

Fri, 29 Jan 2016 21:21:00 GMT

Our world has changed; our parenting must change too. Our children face challenges that we could never have dreamed up in our wildest imaginations when we were growing up. In order for them to thrive in their fast-paced, technology-driven world, the strongest anchor we can impart to our children is a set of strong values firmly rooted in God’s Word. However, as timeless as those values are, we need to rethink our strategy for passing them on to our children. We cannot expect to prepare them for tomorrow’s world with yesterday’s techniques. The world is changing at such a rapid pace that it is difficult to imagine what twenty years in the future will look like. Rapid and profound technological change inevitably leads to equally profound social and cultural change. Will your children be ready for their world when they leave your home?

Our call to action is to be forward thinking in our approach to raising our children mindful that we are preparing them to be stable, responsible adults in a world that will be infinitely more complex and dynamic than the one we are currently in. God is unequivocal about the responsibility that faces us as parents. Malachi 2:25 lays down the challenge; ‘God made husbands and wives to become one body and one spirit for His purpose — so they would have children who are true to God.’ Even if you have found yourself in a situation where you are parenting alone, that responsibility does not diminish. Here are twelve things you can do to raise children who are future-ready.

1. Leverage the power of technology
If you have young children, you have no excuse not to understand technology. The power of technology, the online world and social media has a stronger impact on your children than you could ever imagine. The walls between your family and the outside world have been blurred by new technology. There was a time when you could easily monitor what your children were watching on TV and listening to on the radio. Now the situation is so much more complex. The world is available to your children at the touch of a button if they have a mobile phone. This week, a BBC survey of more than 2,000 five to 16-year-olds revealed that time spent online has overtaken TV among youngsters for the first time ever. The solution is not to take technology away from them, but to shape the way it affects them. Technology is great when used properly and it is the way of the future. Children who are not tech-savvy will find themselves at a significant disadvantage relative to their peers when they enter the world of work. You must understand the benefits and dangers of technology to be able to articulate them to your children. We don’t ban cars because they cause accidents, we teach people to be safe drivers. Share safe online practices with your children; introduce them to websites with godly content; make sure they have ready access to uplifting music even if the beat is not to your taste! Above all, let them know what kind of content does not glorify God and why. That way you equip them to be able to make responsible choices in your absence.

2. Show, don’t just tell
Children learn better by example than by precept. You are not just called to be a teacher to your children but also to be a mentor. The power of mentoring is in demonstrated behaviour. If you want to teach your children to pray, let them come alongside you and watch you pray. Let them be witnesses to your relationship with God. Bring them alongside you and show them the principles of prayer. Faith is contagious. Whoever coined the phrase, ‘Faith is caught, not taught’ knew what they were talking about. The Apostle Paul referenced this contagious faith in 1 Timothy 1:5 in an intimate letter he wrote to his protégé Timothy, ‘I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.’ Faith is transferable, but only through a deliberate process of impartation by both precept and example.

3. Help them develop a personal walk with God
By all means share your faith with your children but help them to develop theirs. By the time your children leave home, they should be fully equipped with a living, breathing relationship with God. They should have their own routine for personal Bible study and prayer, they should have their own record of answered prayers and personal miracles, and they should know what they believe and why. For some years I struggled with the fact that my children were seemingly uninterested in the messages and books of the pivotal ministers who impacted my husband’s life and mine as we grew up. Now I have discovered the secret of pointing them in the direction of contemporary ministries that speak in a language they can understand and identify with. Our children’s walk with God now has a personal flavour to it. They have their own favourite ministries, they know how to find wholesome teaching for their own spiritual growth and, very importantly, when they have questions or hear something controversial, they know that they can speak up and question their Dad or me about those issues.

4. Don’t just give rules, give reasons
Life is cause and effect. Our children need to be able to make that link. ‘Because I said so…’ is no longer a good enough reason for your children to obey you. Whenever God lays down instructions, He explains the reasons why and outlines the consequences of disobedience. To be successful at parenting we need to follow His example. Explain to your children why you expect them to obey certain rules, show them that boundaries are for their protection and make clear the consequences of not listening to you. When children have clear reasons, they are in a better position to withstand temptation and negative peer pressure. They understand why they do what they do and that gives them staying power.

5. Give them a voice
My generation was taught to accept authority without question. That worked for the world I grew up in, but it does not necessarily work in the 21 ^st Century. If you teach your children that their voice does not matter, they will go out into the world with very little confidence. Our children must learn to stand up for what they believe in in a world of relativity where there are no longer any absolutes. If we don’t give them a voice at home, they will struggle to find their voice when they go out into the world. Consciously seek your children’s opinions, even when you think you have all the right answers. That way you are communicating to them that their opinions matter in this world; that society is not always right – and in fact very often wrong. Isaiah 7:9 declares, ‘If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.’ Raise them to be comfortable standing alone with their convictions because they will often have to do that in the world they will face.

6. Give them the benefit of your wisdom
Let your children learn from your mistakes. Don’t pretend you’re perfect. Children respond to authenticity. Today’s children do not buy the myth of infallible parents. They can deal with heroes with faults and scars, as long as you’re honest. Your past mistakes which you would prefer to hide are the very reason you are qualified to impart wisdom to your children. There is no point in reinventing the wheel. Your children can rise higher than you ever did on the back of your experience; share it with them. When the next generation benefits from your mistakes, they cease to be costly mistakes and become valuable experience. Open up to your children and help them see what you have learnt on your life’s journey. Seize teachable moments when situations arise and share your wisdom with your children, whether in the area of faith, finances or relationships. They will respect you for it and they will be in a better position to make wiser decisions.

The secret ingredient of enduring marriages

Sat, 23 Jan 2016 14:26:00 GMT

‘With me it’s all or nothing.
Is it all or nothing with you?
It can’t be “in between”
It can’t be “now and then”
No half and half romance will do!’

Will Parker’s words to his fiancée Annie in the 1943 musical production, Oklahoma! articulate the heartfelt desire we all have to experience unlimited, unconditional love. This seems a lot to ask of anyone at any stage in a relationship – especially from someone who has been hurt before. Makeshift love relationships have become the norm rather than the exception. People think you are crazy for marrying someone you have never lived with before. In trying to protect themselves against the unpredictability of relationships, couples opt to rationalise their commitment to a manageable proportion to ensure that any loss suffered if the relationship fails is minimal. The problem with that approach is that failure is the default mode of any relationship not grounded in commitment.

I have yet to see anyone succeed at anything to which they are not committed. Commitment is the foundation of a relationship; it is unseen and relatively unglamorous compared to the excitement of passion and romance. Yet no relationship can survive the inevitable storms without it. So what does commitment mean in real terms? Commitment means that you are prepared to close your heart to all other people apart from your chosen mate. In the audacious words of the bride in Song of Solomon 8:6 (KJV), ‘Set me like a seal upon your heart, like a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death…’ A seal is a fastener that provides a tight and perfect closure. Until you can establish a sense of closure in your search for love, you may not be able to commit completely to the person you have chosen. Your spouse needs to be someone that you have chosen above all others, and are prepared to commit to excluding all others.

Commitment also means that you are prepared to close your mind to alternatives to working on your relationship, and make it work. It means mentally crossing the bridge into that relationship and ‘burning the bridges behind you’. Ruth expressed her commitment to her mother-in-law Naomi in words so powerful that they have found their way into many wedding ceremonies and are still as inspiring today as they were when they were first spoken. ‘Don’t force me to leave you; don’t make me go home. Where you go, I go; and where you live, I’ll live. Your people are my people, your God is my God; where you die, I’ll die, and that’s where I’ll be buried, so help me God—not even death itself is going to come between us!’ (Ruth 1:16-17 MSG). You are only prepared to enjoy marriage the way God intended when you are ready to offer that level of commitment to the spouse God has brought into your life. Life and circumstances will always offer you a plan ‘B’ but if you approach a God-given relationship with a mindset like Ruth’s, like there is no plan ‘B’, you are bound to put your best into making plan ‘A’ work.

Once when I was preparing to deliver a seminar at a hotel, I struck up a conversation with the duty manager who was fascinated to learn that I was running relationship seminars. He took the opportunity to tell me about a couple he knew who had lived together for eight years without getting married. When they finally decided to get married, they were divorced within a year and he found it hard to comprehend. Situations like this occur all the time. While the couple could blame all sorts of circumstances for the marriage break-down, it boils down to a fundamental inability to commit. You can’t try to grow commitment by living together. You either are or you aren’t. A ring does not make you committed either; a decision does. The ring is simply an outward symbol of an inward decision. Without an inward decision, even shackles couldn’t hold you in that relationship. You don’t grow more committed to a relationship with the passage of time; you’ve got to decide to commit and then act accordingly.

The liberating thought here is that commitment is a choice that is within your God-given ability to make. God would not require committed love from us if we did not have the capacity to give it. The term ‘falling in love’ is probably one of the most misleading in the English vocabulary because it implies that love is an accidental occurrence over which we have no control – much like falling down. Yet, love is a lot more deliberate than what we think it is. We choose whom to bestow our love upon which is why the scriptures command husbands to love their wives. If love were involuntary, God would not command it because it would be outside our sphere of control. As unromantic as it may sound, in reality we choose to love or not to love. When you find the relationship you have been seeking, you must recognize it as valuable and be prepared to give up everything you have to invest in that relationship.

Have you been helped by this article? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter .

The truth about attraction

Sat, 23 Jan 2016 13:33:00 GMT

Some Christians feel that it is ungodly to talk about attraction in the church because a real Christian doesn’t feel that way. I believe God created us with the capacity to attract and be attracted for a reason. The power of attraction was God’s master plan to ensure that the human race does not become extinct! It is a divinely created mechanism for sparking off relationships and it was not a result of the fall of man because Adam felt it before the fall. Genesis 2:23 (ERV) records Adam’s words when he met Eve like this, “Finally! One like me, with bones from my bones and a body from my body. She was taken out of a man, so I will call her ‘woman.’” . The man was definitely feeling something there. Something he did not feel while he was naming the giraffe, hippopotamus and baboon!

Attraction serves as an introduction which tells you that the person you are attracted to might be worth investigating. Attraction occurs on various levels. For a relationship to evolve there must be attraction on at least one level. Analysing what level you’re at will help you understand what that relationship can produce. The more levels of attraction present in a relationship, the more promising that relationship might be.

rtu

Physical Attraction

Physical attraction is base level attraction, the zero level on the scale but nevertheless significant. This level is especially important to men because they are programmed to respond to what they see. They are highly visual and this is not evidence of a lack of spirituality, it is simply God’s design because of their role as the pursuer.

Physical attraction sparks off interest in another person. If you think it is over-rated, consider the fact that it is mentioned in many of the great love stories in the Bible. The rule of thumb is that people tend to look at the outward appearance before they see the heart!

The key to making physical attraction work for your relationships is to treat it like the dessert, not the main meal! Your relationship will falter very quickly if it is based squarely on physical attraction because relationships were not designed to be sustained by physical attraction. Physical attraction should not inform your decision making; it should only inspire you to commission an enquiry into the person you are attracted to because what you see is not always what you get. Don’t try to make physical attraction mean more than what it really is – an invitation to dig deeper.

Mental Attraction

Mental attraction is the next level up on the attraction scale. Mental attraction is born or dies the moment you open your mouth. Conversation can strengthen the bond between you and another person or it can erode the last vestige of attraction that existed.

Words paint pictures in people’s minds, not just about what you are talking about but also about who you are. Your words convey your interests, your opinions, your values, your attitudes and your focus. Your words can portray you as informed, spiritual, interesting, confident, satisfied, fun, ambitious, interesting, compassionate, or they can portray you as a moaner, a victim, self-centred, quarrelsome, indifferent or worst of all, desperate. Words pack a strong punch. People are evaluating you every day on the basis of the words you speak. What do your words say about you?

Words can make or break your chances in a relationship. The more you listen to a person, the easier it is to imagine what it will be like living the rest of your life with them. If they are only interested in the sound of their own voice and do not allow you to get a word in edgeways, that is a fair indicator that they will value their opinion above yours every time. If someone is inclined to start an argument every time you have a conversation, you might wish to ask yourself whether you are prepared to cope with verbal gymnastics on a daily basis for the rest of your life. You might end up with mental exhaustion rather than mental attraction!

Your ability to bond mentally with someone goes beyond intellectual prowess and qualifications. It extends to your awareness of issues that are of interest to that person. If you are drawn to someone, ask yourself, ‘Am I intrigued by this person’s thought processes? Do I find them stimulating and engaging? Am I interested in what they have to say?’ Mental attraction makes you want to listen to someone and hang on their every word. It draws out the highest respect for that person from within you and makes you look forward to the next interaction you will have because you enjoy being with them.

How attraction can lead to love

Sat, 23 Jan 2016 13:25:00 GMT

Emotional Attraction

Emotional attraction is where a relationship really starts to get promising. It sets you apart in the other person’s mind as someone they could potentially spend their life with. It’s about how you make a person feel in your presence and how they make you feel. When being in each other’s presence consistently stirs up positive emotions which leave you feeling energized, you know you are probably on to something. Nobody in their right mind would pursue a relationship with someone who drains their energy and motivation. Your partner should make you feel like you can take on the world.

Emotional attraction is constructed by our attitudes towards each other in a relationship. Do we make each other feel valued and protected in a relationship or do we make each other feel used and abused? An atmosphere of comfort, safety and security in a relationship makes us feel like we actually belong together and creates the right atmosphere for love to blossom. Do we feel comfortable in each other’s presence? A relationship will only progress if both parties feel that they are able to let down their guard and enjoy being in each other’s presence without fear of manipulation and hidden agendas.

Your heart is one of the most precious things God has given you. Don’t give it to just anyone who comes along and asks for it. If you guard your heart and your emotions until the right person comes along who can handle it with care, you will reap the rewards in deep emotional connection that is rooted in respect for each other.

Spiritual Attraction

Spiritual attraction is the highest level on the attraction scale and is determined by your relative spiritual compatibility. Your spiritual state will determine who will be attracted to you and who won’t. Someone who is totally passionate for God and sold out to His Kingdom is very unlikely to be drawn to a shallow, tepid Christian. Likewise, someone who likes to sit on the fence when it comes to the things of God is unlikely to go for a fired up, out-on-a-limb kind of Christian who is determined to change the world for God. If you are passionate about God, you are unlikely to be able to build a successful relationship with someone who is indifferent to Him. If what matters most to you means nothing to them, where is the common ground? You will find yourself unable to trust your life into their hands, and rightfully so.

Spiritual maturity is profoundly attractive to a God-loving Christian and is a function of an intimate walk with God and an ability to apply God’s word to day-to-day living. There is a stability that comes from knowing that you and your partner are seeking God first, over and above everything else in life. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (VOICE) puts it succinctly. ‘A rope made of three strands is not quickly broken.’ You, your partner and God will make an unbeatable team. The closer you both are to God, the closer you will be drawn to each other. Spiritual attraction ties all the other levels of attraction together. It inspires confidence in the future of your relationship. When you are drawn to someone spiritually, you are more likely to see a future in that relationship and to invest in that future.

Attraction vs Love

Physical attraction inspires curiosity; mental attraction inspires respect; emotional attraction inspires romance; spiritual attraction inspires confidence, but what is the relationship between attraction and love? Are they one and the same? I am convinced that mistaking one for the other is behind much of the heartbreak we have in relationships and marriages today.

Attraction is an emotion that suggests to you that a person might be worth building a relationship with but it can never serve as a foundation for that relationship. The very fact that attraction is an emotion suggests that it will be transient, just like sadness, happiness, anxiety, curiosity and anticipation. Emotions by nature are never permanent; they come and go depending on circumstances.

Attraction can never replace love and not all attraction blossoms into love. Many people enter into marriage on the false hope that their attraction will sustain their marriage. Attraction does not have the capacity to hold a marriage together. Only love can do that. Love is not an emotion; it is first and foremost a choice. It is a choice to commit to someone unconditionally, regardless of the current state of your emotions. It is a decision to treat someone right whether or not you feel attracted to them at that particular point in time. While this does not sound nearly as exciting as attraction, it is the core of what makes for enduring relationships because attraction may ebb and flow but love is constant.

Have you been helped by this article? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter .

The courtship that works

Tue, 19 Jan 2016 21:34:00 GMT

If handled properly, courtship can exponentially increase your ability to succeed in marriage. I favour the term courtship because it clearly defines a relationship where a commitment has been made towards marriage, as opposed to dating which is confusingly used to label almost anything from casual to committed relationships. There is a significant amount of investment required to cultivate a successful courtship and this in itself can be a predictor for the success of the early years of marriage. Courtship is not just the wait before the wedding; it is a crucial preparatory period and it takes focus and determination for a couple to get the best out of it. Set yourselves the challenge of maximizing your courtship period. The quality of courtship you have will be determined by your understanding of the purpose of courtship and the daily decisions you make regarding your courtship. Courtship is supposed to achieve three things in your relationship: revelation, adaptation and vision.

Revelation

The first challenge you need to set yourselves in your courtship is the revelation challenge . Revelation is the act of making yourself known. You are a multi-faceted kaleidoscope of experiences, dreams, talents and ideas – let your partner discover you. Courtship is a period of getting to know each other better. Any relationship without ongoing revelation is child’s play. Your aim is to explore each other’s hearts and minds and discover the uniqueness which each of you brings to the table. Revelation is a function of communication; open, honest communication about your past and your present, your hurts and your hopes, your desires and your dreams, your preferences and your peeves, all the things that make you who you are. You might think that revelation will come naturally in a relationship but in my experience this is not necessarily so. Proximity does not automatically lead to spiritual, mental and emotional intimacy. It is what you do with your time together that counts. Courtship is a time for asking questions and reaching beyond the surface to the real person you will be married to.

Adaptation

Next is the adaptation challenge . This is the process of learning to fit into each other’s world. No matter how much you have in common, you and your partner will have differing backgrounds, mindsets, ideas and perspectives. It is these differences that will enrich your marriage, but in order for that to happen there needs to be a continuous commitment to adaptation. Marriage will bring its own demands for adaptation but in courtship we have the advance opportunity to begin to reposition ourselves mentally to accommodate someone else into our world. Many times conflict arises in courtships and marriage because of the refusal of one or both parties to adapt. The value you place on your relationship will be demonstrated by the price you are willing to pay to make it work. If you value each other you will be prepared to go the extra mile to adapt to each other’s needs.

Vision

The vision challenge requires you and your partner to begin to forge a common direction and plan for the future. It gives you both the opportunity to design the future which you believe that God wants you to have, without making assumptions. Don’t just spend your entire courtship planning your wedding; plan the life that you will have together after that. What do you want to achieve together for God? What careers will you pursue? Where will you live? What do you want your family to look like? How many children do you hope to have and when do you plan to start having them? What are your greatest dreams and goals? How will you manage your friendships and your families? If you don’t communicate, you won’t know.

I have asked couples some of these questions in pre-marital counselling and they look totally blank. It does make you wonder what they spent their courtship doing. When all is said and done, courtship must be focussed but it must also be fun. Do all that you can to invest in building joyful memories together as a couple. I am always concerned when I meet couples who fight a lot and do not seem to be having a lot of fun in their courtship. Every couple will have the occasional disagreement and this is all part of the growing and learning process. However, a couple who cannot achieve a sustained level of peace and harmony in their courtship face an uphill task in marriage when all the pressures and responsibilities of married life are thrown at them. Keep your courtship fun! Celebrate each other and the love God has given you.

Have you been helped by this article? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter .

What Cinderella didn’t tell you about finding a mate

Tue, 19 Jan 2016 21:12:00 GMT

Everybody loves a good story but some stories transcend generations without losing relevance, probably because there is something about them that speaks to our innermost hopes and dreams. Cinderella readily comes to mind and not just because it was my favourite fairytale as a child. It’s a story that never grows old with the telling. It has been re-vamped, modernised and adapted for adult audiences but the storyline has endured and has captured the hearts of many.

We all identify with the injustice Cinderella was subjected to by her step-family, her miraculous transformation by her god-mother and her show-stopping debut at the royal ball. Her dramatic exit from the ball before midnight paves the way for the most endearing part of the story in which the captivated Prince engages in a search for his soulmate, the only lady in the entire kingdom whose foot could fit in the glass slipper.

Sometimes it is difficult to draw a distinction between fantasy and reality. Somewhere in our minds, we all have some form of a glass slipper; a description or specification of our ideal soulmate which we subconsciously believe only one person in the universe can adequately fill. Glass-slipper thinking has many singles seeking for perfect relationships and therefore rejecting promising relationships. Somewhere in our minds we long for fairytale relationships; we seek for a partner who will anticipate our every need before we think it; someone who will say and do the right things on cue without being asked. We carry a mental snapshot of what the perfect mate would look like and reject anything that does not fit that picture. We assume that when we meet this ‘perfect’ partner, our relationship will be effortlessly perfect. What Cinderella didn’t tell you about finding a mate is that neither she nor her prince were perfect, but they were suited for each other, imperfections and all. This is the bit we need to come to terms with.

The glass slipper in your mind acts as a filter with which you sort the people you meet daily. When you meet single members of the opposite sex, you subconsciously filter them neatly into the ‘could be’ and ‘could never be’ categories. This is okay to a point but the challenge is that if your ‘filter’ is faulty, you might strain out the right people and admit the wrong people into your inner circle. For instance, we all tend to subconsciously filter people based on how they are packaged and whether or not they are pleasing to our eyes. Yet, sometimes what we need does not come in the precise package that we want. What you need is love…true love. What you want might be true love in a size 10 with long wavy blonde hair (all hers!) or true love in a 6’ 6” broad-shouldered African package.

What if you found true love in a slightly or even radically different package, would it change the fact that it was true love? What I’m simply saying is that we all harbour some prejudices that we need to get rid of. Don’t write people off simply because when you first meet them they don’t seem like your type. Give yourself a chance to make friends with all kinds of people. How many friends do we all have who have turned out to be much nicer people than our first impressions of them? As a side thought, I find it interesting that many married people look much better after marriage than they ever did while they were single!

Let’s keep the main thing the main thing and differentiate between desires and deal-breakers. Some things cannot be compromised, like a love for God and His Kingdom, integrity, kindness and vision, but some other desires are perhaps not as vital as we think. There is a human tendency to major on appearances but if we could see a lot more like God sees, it would radically transom our view of life and our relationships.

Have you been helped by this article? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter .

Principles for healthy in-law relationships

Sun, 22 Nov 2015 14:56:00 GMT

Separation

The first pronouncement God made about Adam and Eve was that ‘a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’. Significantly, when God made that pronouncement, there were no fathers and mothers. The entire human race at the time consisted of Adam and Eve, but God, in His infinite wisdom, put this principle in place ahead of time. There is a healthy separation between parents and children which should begin in teenage years and culminate when they become adults. To remain tied to parents physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally after marriage is dysfunctional in God’s eyes. If you are the one finding it difficult to let go of that dependent relationship with your family, recognise that your stance will do untold damage to your family unit. Marriage is not for boys and girls; it is for men and women who are prepared to take responsibility for their own lives and decisions.

tyu

Boundaries

There should be acceptable boundaries in the relationship between your family unit and both of your families. The only boundless relationship is the marriage relationship. Marriage is the formation of a separate family unit, not a sub-set of either your or your spouse’s families. You and your spouse need to agree acceptable boundaries for both sets of in-laws, and what level of involvement they will have in your marriage and the upbringing of your children. Those boundaries need to be lovingly upheld by both parties to avoid unhealthy interference. If an in-law consistently oversteps that boundary, it needs to be made clear to them by their family member that this is not acceptable. This should be done with kindness, respect but firmness. This can be difficult but it is necessary for the survival of your home. It might lead to some indignation but eventually they will learn to respect those boundaries and the relationship will be established on a healthier footing.

Expectations

Be sensitive to the needs of both sets of in-laws and recognise that they might have certain expectations of your family unit. Separation does not mean isolation; it is not an excuse for selfishness. Let your in-laws feel included within reason, allowing them to share your joyful moments and build memories with you. This is particularly crucial when grand-children enter the scene. Don’t deny them the pleasure of grand-parenting. Find a mutually acceptable way for involving both sets of families. They should feel like they have gained another family member, not lost their son or daughter.

Differences

There are bound to be differences in your family backgrounds and these are sometimes a source of tension. Recognise and acknowledge those differences as rich threads that can contribute to the unique tapestry of your own home. Values, opinions and traditions might differ and it pays to understand those differences rather than attacking them. St Francis of Assisi is credited with the saying, ‘Seek first to understand; then to be understood’ . Nowhere is this more useful than in in-law relationships.

Have you been helped by this article? Share your thoughts with me on Facebook or Twitter .

How to build healthy in-law relationships

Sun, 15 Nov 2015 21:41:00 GMT

Forget all the tired, negative jokes about in-law relationships. Most in-laws are not tyrants – they are simply people who love your spouse and have a special bond with him or her, based on a relationship that predates your relationship with your spouse. Your in-laws have made some contribution into who your spouse is today – an investment that needs to be honoured.

When you marry someone, you take on a new set of relationships with your spouse’s family. A positive approach to those new relationships can go a long way towards easing the loss that some parents feel in letting go of their children.

That said there are in-laws who find that transition very difficult and sometimes seek to maintain undue control, particularly if they were disapproving of the marriage to begin with. Such relationships will need to be handled with large doses of wisdom and love. Communicating openly with your spouse about those difficulties and developing a joint strategy for managing both sets of families pays huge dividends.

Here are a few principles to remember when seeking to build healthy in-law relationships.

Loyalty

Loyalty to your spouse, whether present or absent, is an absolute requisite for successful in-law relationships. Your family’s tendency will be to be loyal to you, but your first loyalty should be to your spouse. This means speaking well of your spouse with your family and not allowing your family to speak disrespectfully of your spouse, under any circumstances. If you have marital difficulties, it’s not a good idea to share them with your family; find a trained counsellor who can walk you through them. Sharing your spouse’s faults with your family will skew their view of him or her and make it difficult for them to relate to your spouse, long after the issue is resolved.

Priority

The marriage relationship was designed by God to take precedence over every other human relationship. This means putting your spouse ahead of every other person – including your family. If your spouse has to vie for your attention because you spend so much time sharing with and talking to your family, things are out of kilter and need to be rebalanced. If you spoke to your mother on the phone every evening when you were single, don’t expect to transfer that habit into your marriage or it will leave your spouse feeling excluded. Your spouse should be your best friend.

Unity

You and your spouse need to be united in your approach to both sets of families. If a course of action is agreed between you and your spouse, don’t go changing your mind because of undue influence from your family. The locus of decision making must always remain within your family unit. If there is a difficulty with your family, don’t get defensive because they are your family. Be reasonable and understand why your spouse feels vulnerable. Once you are in agreement as to how to handle the situation, it should be addressed and resolved by you because you know how best to manage your family. Don’t leave your spouse to defend decisions you have made together with your family. That is unfair pressure. Sort it out yourself.

How to Love Yourself

Sun, 15 Nov 2015 17:46:00 GMT

Your capacity to engage effectively in love relationships will be profoundly affected by how you see yourself. God’s command to love your neighbour AS you love yourself means that your efforts to love another human being will be severely hampered if you do not genuinely love yourself. You can only truly give love if you also see yourself as worthy to receive love.

When you look in the mirror in the morning, what do you see? Do you see a valuable, lovable person? And if not, what is influencing your perspective of yourself?

There are many experiences in life that can make you doubt your value as a person; the breakdown of a relationship, a failed project, a mistake in your past or even negative experiences when you were growing up. You need to recognise these influences and put them in perspective. If you view yourself solely through the lens of a past experience, your conclusions regarding yourself are likely to be wrong. There is much more to you than what you have been through.

Here are three secrets to loving yourself.

Marinade your mind in God’s love for you

My mum is a fantastic cook and she passed that love of cooking to me. When I was young I would shadow her in the kitchen. Watching her cook chicken, beef or fish was a study in creativity. She would assemble a series of herbs, spices and condiments with which to enhance the flavour of the meat. She taught me that meat is only as tasty as the marinade it sits in, and the longer it remains in the marinade the richer the flavours become. So it is with God’s love for you. It’s one thing to have a mental knowledge of God’s love and quite another thing to live in the consciousness of that love.

To increase your consciousness of God’s love, assemble a concoction of God’s word and marinade your mind in it by daily meditation. Draw out scriptures that mean something to you and make them your daily confession. When you step into the shower in the morning, tell yourself, ‘I am fearfully and wonderfully made’ . When you’re driving in your car, remind yourself that God has said, ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love’ . While you’re at work, recall that God says, ‘I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future ’. Fill your mind with God’s love for you. The longer you focus on God’s love for you, the stronger your consciousness of His love becomes. Love yourself because God loves you.

Learn how to silence the voice of your inner critic

A lot of the time it is the inner conversations we have with ourselves that feed our self-doubt. God loves you profoundly and unconditionally so if you have relentlessly negative thoughts concerning yourself recognise that those thoughts do not have their source in God. You need to be alert to the conversations going on inside your head and where they are coming from. God is in the business of convicting us of sin so we can repent and change direction. He is not in the business of condemning us so we are stuck in guilt and unable to move forward in life.

Whenever a negative thought about yourself enters your mind you can choose to entertain it, give it a home and nurture it until it takes hold of you, or you can learn to replace it with a positive thought that reminds you of who you really are. Martin Luther famously said, ‘You can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair’.

Give yourself another chance

God always does. Don’t count yourself out because of a mistake in your past. Recognise that the act does not define the person. You may have made a mistake but you are not a mistake. It’s not over until the curtains are drawn. You’re still here, you’re alive, and you have another chance at life. Don’t squander it on regret. Grab this opportunity with both hands and do something beautiful with it.

What are you going to do to love yourself better this week? Tell me on Facebook or Twitter .

How to Fight Like a Christian

Sun, 15 Nov 2015 17:37:00 GMT

So you have a difference of opinion with someone you love? Conflict is inevitable in a relationship and it can help you grow, if you know how to manage it effectively. Here are my top tips to help you sort issues out constructively.

Recognise anger and bring it under control

You may not be able to avoid feeling angry but you are solely responsible for how you react when you are angry. Many things are said and done in anger which we later regret. If things are getting heated between you and your partner, it might be sensible to call time-out until both of you have cooled off sufficiently to be more objective about the issue at hand.

Revisit the issue as soon as possible

Don’t allow unresolved anger to poison your relationship. Avoidance is not a constructive option. If you keep sweeping things under the carpet, eventually the pile of grievances will become so high that the relationship will self-destruct. Value your relationship enough to make an effort and resolve issues.

Take the initiative for reconciliation

Pride prevents us from making the first move towards reconciliation. It takes maturity to be able to reach out in the midst of hurt and misunderstanding. Be the one to make the first move.

Attack the problem, not the person

You and your partner need to stay on the same team, no matter what. It should never be ‘me against you’. It should always be ‘us against the problem’. Remember, your partner is not your problem. As soon as you begin to view your partner as the embodiment of the problem, reconciliation becomes much more difficult.

Avoid digging up the past

Are you one of those people who get historical in a disagreement? Rehearsing every little thing your partner did to hurt you in the past only complicates the issue at hand. It is also evidence of an unforgiving heart. If God was counting our past against us, we would not stand a chance with Him. Focus on the present.

Focus on solutions

Don’t overbeat the issue simply because you want to make your partner feel guilty. Make your feelings known as clearly and calmly as possible, and once that is done focus on what will make things better. Discuss workable solutions rather than rehearsing the problem and playing the blame game.

Admit when you are wrong, apologise even when you think you are right

Both parties in a disagreement should be willing to own their own contribution to the conflict and apologise for it. Nobody is ever one hundred per cent right. Even if you were only one percent wrong, own your one percent and apologise for it. This is therapeutic because it keeps us humble and prevents us from being judgemental and feeling justified. Unwillingness to apologise means you value your pride above your relationship.

Be a good forgiver

Extend forgiveness willingly. Don’t try to make your partner pay for the hurt you feel they have caused you. Forgiveness is as much for your benefit as it is for theirs so don’t wait until they have grovelled for days before grudgingly forgiving. Remember, tomorrow it could be your turn to seek forgiveness. Besides, God has forgiven you so much so what justification do you have for being unforgiving?

Once the situation is resolved, put it behind you

Forget it. Don’t keep reliving the situation each time you see your partner. Take control of your mind. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.

PS. Show some love and share this article with someone who needs it.

Are you a Giver, a Taker or a 50-50 Lover?

Thu, 22 Oct 2015 21:51:00 GMT

Stephen Covey is credited with introducing the metaphor of an emotional bank account in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People . He explained that positive actions are deposits in a relationship which build trust, while negative behaviour drains a relationship. Everything you do in your relationship is either a deposit or a withdrawal. Every smile, every word of encouragement, every act of kindness, every sacrificial deed, is a deposit into your relationship. Every unkind word, every selfish act, every display of indifference, every thoughtless deed, is a withdrawal from your relationship. No relationship can survive endless withdrawals. When the withdrawals outweigh the deposits, emotional bankruptcy results. No relationship becomes bankrupt in a day. It is the conglomeration of acts of omission and commission that eventually push a relationship over the precipice that leads to disintegration.

One crucial question we must all ask ourselves is, ‘Am I a giver, a taker or 50-50 lover?’ Your answer to that question will strongly influence your ability to have and maintain a successful marriage. Each one of us has our own unconscious, private concept of what love is and what love does. This concept is an unseen script that orchestrates how we engage in relationships. It determines how we conduct ourselves in marriage and what our expectations are of the other person. Based on our concept of love, each of us is a giver, taker or 50-50 lover.

Takers

Takers expect marriage to be a relationship of convenience . Their chief expectation, though unspoken, is ‘My way or no way!’ Every relationship has one basic bottom-line for them, ‘What’s in it for me?’ Takers enter a relationship for what they can gain out of it. Any benefit to the other party is purely coincidental. They spell love s-e-l-f. Sometimes selfishness is thinly disguised as need. Needy people are exhausting to be around because they have a parasitic approach to relationships. They are always miserable because their personal happiness depends on what others do or do not do for them. They are critical, manipulative and demanding.

Takers are attracted to givers because they see them as a ticket to satisfaction in life. In reality, no human being can ever totally satisfy another person; we are not equipped to do that. Only a dynamic, vibrant relationship with God can meet our deepest needs and satisfy our heartfelt longings. No one would willingly admit to being a taker but if you consistently fail at relationships and you always attribute the failure of your relationships to the other person’s inadequacies, the cause of the problem might actually be revealed by a cursory glance in the mirror.

50-50 Lovers

50-50 love is potentially the most deceptive concept of love because it seems like a perfectly respectable place to be; at the centre of the spectrum. 50-50 lovers are people who subconsciously expect marriage to be a contractual relationship. They will do their part as long as you do yours. This all sounds like a ‘fair’ proposition but unfortunately life is not always fair. What happens to 50-50 love when a husband loses his job and cannot pay his share of the bills? Or a wife loses her health and cannot meet her husband’s sexual needs? 50-50 love goes out of the window when faced with the trials of life and is quickly replaced by resentment.

50-50 love is storybook love but it cannot survive the vagaries of real life. Marriage is not a contract and the reality is that sometimes your spouse might not be in a position to uphold their part of the bargain. When this happens, 50-50 lovers become victims of their own expectations. As long as your fulfilment depends on someone else meeting your needs or doing certain ‘expected’ things on cue, you will never be happy. Make no mistake; your needs are legitimate and important, but strenuously seeking to get your needs met through your spouse leads to frustration rather than satisfaction.

Givers

Givers see marriage from a covenant perspective. They give for the joy of delighting someone else, not because of what they expect to receive in return. Givers understand that God is a giver and that love is spelt g-i-v-e in His dictionary. Giving is a life-skill without which no Christian can survive. It is the language of love. Choose to invest in your relationship. In marriage, give without waiting for returns. Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. People who approach marriage with a 50-50 contract mentality which says ‘ You give this and I will give that…you do this and I will do that’ , always miss out on the best that marriage has to offer. Marriage was not designed to function on terms and conditions; it was designed to be a covenant where you give your all for the benefit of the other, without holding anything in reserve.

If you are prepared to give your all to your spouse, you have the seeds of what it takes to succeed in marriage. The beauty of love is that you need not worry about its future. Marriage is a marathon but you only have to concern yourself with the very next step of the journey. All you need to do is to give your best today. Trust God to help you invest in love today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Forty years of happy marriage are made up of individual days of sacrificial giving and loving. The joyful memories which you will look back on forty years from now can be created today.

P.S. Share this article with someone who needs it on Facebook and Twitter.

Why saving sex for marriage is still a smart choice

Sun, 20 Sep 2015 00:51:00 GMT

I was stunned when I spotted the following article in the September 23, 2009 edition of Metro newspaper titled ‘The sex degrees of separation’.

‘ The average British adult has indirectly had sex with 2,811,024 people. Those of you finding the figures shocking can input your own personal data into a new internet calculator that aims to help people understand the risks of unprotected sex. The average is based on people having 7.65 sexual partners in their lifetime, according to research carried out by Lloyds Pharmacy. “When we have sex with someone, we are, in effect, not only sleeping with them but also their previous partners and so on,” said Clare Kerr, head of sexual health for the chemist chain which developed the online tool.’

These figures are even more alarming when we factor in the spiritual significance of sex. God loves sex but He is particular about the context in which it is practised, primarily because sex is not just a physical act. There is much more to it than meets the eye. Three spiritual events are encapsulated in the sex act – knowing, joining and becoming .

Sex is knowing

The Bible often uses the word ‘know’ to describe the act of sex. Sex is a revelation; a total uncovering of who you are to another human being. Revealing your body is a very minute part of what happens when you have sex with someone. Sex reveals your soul. It opens up your spirit, the inner recesses of your being, to that person. No human being has the right to know you to that degree unless they are committed to loving you for the full extent of your life here on earth, because there is no greater rejection than to be spurned by a person who knows all that there is to know about you. This is why sexual abuse of any kind is so heart-wrenching. It violates the personhood of the victim to a greater degree than any other crime.

Sex is joining

When does the joining of a man and woman in matrimony actually occur? Is it at the altar when they are pronounced man and wife? In reality, this moment is only symbolic of the joining that will later take place when the couple comes together in the act of sexual intimacy. Even the law recognises this which is why a marriage that has not been consummated can be annulled or declared null and void, as though it had never taken place, while a marriage that has been consummated even once is considered valid by law. You become joined to whoever you have sex with. 1 Corinthians 6:15 makes it clear that sex results in joining. This is a spiritual law and is one reason why some people have dysfunctional marriages – prior to marriage they have fragmented their personhood by being joined to so many other people along the way. As such they struggle to attain a sense of oneness with their spouse because of all the baggage they have acquired from previous sexual relationships.

Sex is becoming

Thirdly, sex is an act of becoming . Genesis 2:24 states that a man and his wife ‘become’ one flesh. Similarly, 1 Corinthians 6:16 explains that a man and a prostitute ‘become’ one body when they share the sex act. It makes no difference whom you sleep with; you rise up from that bed a different person from when you lay down. You ‘become’ whether you like it or not, and God urges us to be mindful of who we are becoming with each sexual encounter. Sex is fun but it is also serious. There is more to it than a mere physical encounter.

Where do we go from here?

When we understand the significance of sex, we begin to comprehend how precious a gift it is. Knowing, joining and becoming are beautiful experiences designed to bind a husband and wife together ever closer with each passing year. So what should you do with your sex drive in the interim? Offer it up to God as a sacrifice. You of all people know that your sex drive is alive and well but when you place it upon the altar of devotion to God every single day it becomes a living sacrifice . This needs to be a daily act because living sacrifices have a tendency to want to crawl off the altar every now and then. Michelle McKinney-Hammond, best-selling author and relationship expert, describes in her animated style the difficulty of moments ‘ when you wake up in the night and your body is attending a party you didn’t know you were invited to’. Each time this happens, we just have to keep giving our bodies back to God on the altar.

You may be thinking, ‘Been there, done that…Where were you when I was 18?’ Perhaps you are haunted by the memory of a sexual past that you feel you cannot erase. God does not condemn you so why condemn yourself? Forgive yourself; accept God’s forgiveness and move on. In the words of Carl Bard, ‘Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending’ . The future is yours for the making.

P.S. Share this article on Facebook and Twitter and change someone’s life for the better.

Top money tips for courting couples

Sat, 19 Sep 2015 22:03:00 GMT

Gwendolyn Guthrie was an American singer, pianist and prolific songwriter who is probably best known for her chart topping 1986 track, Ain’t Nothin’ Goin’ On But The Rent. For months you could not walk down the corridors of my university hostel without hearing some student’s music deck blaring the refrain of that popular song, ‘No romance without finance’. Much as I did not totally subscribe to the sentiments expressed by Gwen in the song, I have to say that she had stumbled on a basic reality which many people seem to ignore in relationships. Love often does not work out the way we expect it to when we fail to factor in the significant influence that money has on relationships. Below are three top money tips for courting couples.

Talk about money early in your relationship

When is the right time to talk about money in a relationship? You don’t want to begin to interview someone you have only known for a few weeks on their financial position. However, as soon as a relationship begins to get serious, you need to be comfortable enough to begin to explore each other’s perspectives on money. Share your views on tithing, giving, spending and saving and see whether they agree or conflict. Explore each other’s views on debt, investment, and whether there are any dependants on either side. Weaving money into your conversations and listening carefully to each other can be an eye-opener for both of you.

Don’t make your money one if you are not yet one

Don’t try to be one financially before you are actually one before God and in the eyes of the law. While you will need to begin to practice making financial decisions together, particularly when you are planning a wedding, it is premature to put all of your money together in a joint account when you are not yet married. Nobody gets engaged with the expectation that the relationship will not endure but stuff happens; you do not want to find yourself in a position where you have to disentangle complex financial arrangements after an unexpected split-up.

This also applies to making large purchases together, like buying a house together before you are married. Some people may differ with me on this but I have seen enough engagements break up to know that there is a world of difference between ‘I will’ and ‘I do’ . The last thing you want is to be in a situation where the relationship is breaking down but you are hanging on to each other because you are bound together financially. Additionally, disagreements about who owns what can convert a break-up which would ordinarily be simply heart-breaking into an acrimonious dispute. This is unnecessary pain.

Kiss financial illiteracy goodbye

Financial illiteracy is one of the greatest causes of money problems. It is tragic that while money plays such a pivotal part in our lives, very few of us have the privilege of being mentored in how money works before we reach adulthood. Some people are naturally more numbers-savvy and therefore pick up good financial habits along the way. Most others simply learn by trial and error what works. And some people never learn at all!

One of the most valuable investments you can make towards minimising financial conflict in your relationship is gaining a financial education. The financial knowledge you have will directly influence the financial decisions you make. There is no bliss in ignorance. Marriage is a partnership and both individuals need to be well-informed. You leave yourself vulnerable if you do not empower yourself with basic financial know-how. There are tragic stories told of people who face financial ruin after the sudden passing away of their spouse because they never took interest in the family finances when the spouse was alive.

We live in a world where information is at our fingertips so there really is no excuse for ignorance. Buy a book, search for information online, attend a seminar, do whatever you can to gain the financial savvy you need to make smart money decisions. Learn about budgeting, savings, investments, property, and tax efficiency and give yourself a money makeover. It is not enough to make money; you need to know how to manage it.

Dave Ramsey, best-selling Christian author and financial coach, says that we gain financial mastery the same way we learned how to walk – one step at a time. In his debt freedom programme, The Seven Baby Steps: Begin your journey to financial peace , Dave explains that the journey to financial peace begins with small measurable advances, starting right where you are. It is never too early or too late to start; investing in financial wisdom today will put you in a vantage position to leave a legacy tomorrow.

P.S. Share this article with someone who needs it on Facebook and Twitter.

Five ways to recognise your soulmate

Sat, 19 Sep 2015 17:14:00 GMT

Be intentional about whom you choose to spend your life with. Ask the right questions when weighing up your options. Questions are God’s gift to bring clarity to our decision making process but we must ask the right questions to get the answers we need. It is not enough to ask yourself, ‘Are we in love?’ This is where most people begin but we need to take our questions further if we want our love to endure. Most people who got divorced today were in love once upon a time so here are five questions to help you probe further.

Are we spiritually compatible?

Spiritual compatibility will influence the quality of your relationship more than any other single factor. It is impossible to live in harmony with someone with opposing values and ideologies unless one of you consistently betrays their own values for the sake of the relationship. If your relationship with God means something to you, it is hard to see why you would choose to commit your life to someone with whom you cannot share that. Unchecked emotions often influence us to make choices against our better judgement. If you find yourself trying to justify a relationship with someone who does not share your passion for God, take a step back and ask yourself whether the sacrifice of your values today will be worth it ten years down the line. What is your relationship with God worth to you?

Are we heading in the same direction?

Life is a journey in the pursuit of your God-given destiny. We were all made for something bigger than ourselves. Your ability to do what you believe God wants done with your life hangs in the balance when you are choosing a partner. What if Mother Theresa had married Adolf Hitler? If your dream means anything to you, marry someone who will support you in its fulfilment, and someone whose dreams you can support. Your partner should be your greatest cheerleader, not a dream-killer. We all have different but equally legitimate life dreams; marry someone whose goals closely match yours.

Are we better together than we are apart?

Not everything good goes together. I like chocolate ice-cream and chicken chow mein but not in the same plate! Your partner should complement you. We all have our strengths and weaknesses so marry someone whose strengths you can celebrate and whose weaknesses you can overlook. Someone described marriage as an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. The key to an enduring relationship is to marry someone who is strong where you are weak – and is willing to use their strengths to compensate for your weaknesses. If both partners approach marriage from that perspective rather than attacking each other’s weaknesses, you will be stronger as a couple than you would have been individually.

What are those closest to you saying?

Marriage is a community project. Your community is not qualified to decide whom you should marry but you will learn a lot by listening to the people God has placed in your life. Emotions can blind us and there is nothing like a good dose of cold counsel to bring us back to reality. Don’t underestimate the part that godly parents, siblings and friends can play in helping you make the right decision. Ultimately the choice is yours and you will have to live with it but don’t discount the opinions of those closest to you simply because they don’t line up with what you want. If everyone who cares about you thinks this person is not good for you, at the very least take a step back and ask yourself whether you are being blinded by emotion. A word of caution: make sure the people you are listening to are invested in your success. Counsel is only as good as the person giving it.

What is God saying?

If everything else seems right but you sense deep in your heart that a relationship is not right for you, it may well be that God has other plans for you. Many Christians struggle with the concept of hearing God because they don’t understand how God speaks. The reality is that God’s leading is rarely spectacular; He leads us by relationship. A wink and a nod can speak volumes when you are with a close friend; so God nudges us in our hearts with a word or an impression. The closer we get to Him, the more attuned we become to His way of thinking. God sees the future; we don’t, so if He leads you to back off it can only be for your ultimate good.

P.S. What other questions do you think are crucial to recognising your soulmate? Share your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.

Is love really blind?

Mon, 31 Aug 2015 11:45:00 GMT

Your concept of love is like a blueprint or a building plan. It determines how you go about building your relationships, how you run your relationships and your capacity to experience love. A healthy love concept gives birth to a healthy love life.

So it is that many of us have grown up with the concept that love is blind. We don’t say it but we act it. We believe that love has nothing to do with reasoning and objectivity. Falling in love is rather an involuntary, irrational thing that just happens to us. ‘You don’t really choose love, love chooses you’ , we think. By extension, we don’t really choose our life partner; our feelings dictate whom we should marry. If we feel a certain way about someone, it means we are in love with them. If we are in love with them, we should marry them. Once we marry them, things will simply work out because we are in love. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.

The reality is that it is supremely easy to ‘fall in love’ with someone who is not good for you. Falling in love is simply a code phrase for attraction, not a guarantee of lifelong commitment. Most people who will end up in the divorce courts next Monday fell in love once upon a time. True love is not blind but sometimes we make blind decisions based on our feelings. There are many reasons why people make blind decisions in love but I will share three.

Infatuation – When we are blinded by an image of a person we cannot see the reality of who they are. Infatuated people see what they want to see in a person, even if it is not really there. If everyone else around can see the glaring flaws in your relationship but you cannot, take a step back and look again.

Desperation – When we are blinded by haste we make desperate decisions which are not in our best interests. We let the fear of missing out lure us into a relationship that saps the life out of us. Do not permit your desire to find love to outweigh your commitment to find it God’s way. Only in hindsight do people realise that no marriage is far better than a painful marriage.

Passion – When we are drunk with the wine of passion, our focus is blurred and our insight becomes distorted. Sex with someone you are not married to changes everything in that relationship and not for the better. Once the sexual dimension enters a relationship, emotional entanglement is reinforced and there is a tendency to let go of all your ideals and settle for what is in hand.

P.S. Love shares. Share this post with those you care about.

Cultivating fulfilling friendships

Mon, 31 Aug 2015 11:35:00 GMT

There are three foundational things you need to remember about friendship:

Friendship is God’s idea

Our desire for friendship is not a sign of weakness; it is a reflection of our ‘God-nature’. Even God needed a friend so He created Adam for His companionship. Enoch, Abraham and Moses were specifically named as friends of God. Jesus called His disciples ‘friends’ and the Holy Spirit is constantly seeking companionship with us.

Friendship with God chooses our other friendships for us

When God wants to enrich your life, He often sends a person into your life as a catalyst. He sent Jonathan to David and Naomi to Ruth. I can think of a number of people whom God has brought into my life at pivotal times to jump-start a new season in my life. However, not all friendships are God-ordained. When the devil wants to distracts you, he often sends someone into your life. He sent Delilah to Samson and Lot to Abraham.

A close friendship with God will put all your other friendships into perspective. Be friendly to everyone but choose carefully whom you admit into your inner circle. Jesus came close to those seeking God but kept far away from rebellious people. Who you walk with will determine whether God can walk with you. Your inner circle are the people you will seek counsel from in a crisis so they need to be saying what God is saying. The friends you keep are a testimony of who you are and prophecy of your future.

Friendships are for a reason

When God sends people into your life, He does it for a reason. We get frustrated with our relationships when we misunderstand the purposes of God. Don’t try to make a friendship what it was not meant to be. You will only get hurt and hurt others. Try to discern the purpose of a friendship and enjoy it, rather than trying to extract from a relationship what it was not designed to give you.

P.S. Friends share! Share this post with your Facebook friends.

You don’t need to be perfect to be married

Sun, 30 Aug 2015 16:30:00 GMT

Do you ever find yourself wondering why you are still unmarried? Perhaps marriage has been a goal of yours for the past five, ten, twenty years of your life – or even longer. You wake up each morning wondering whether you will ever have someone to share your life with. You find yourself staring into the mirror and wondering whether there is something wrong with you. You wonder if things would be different if you were taller, shorter, slimmer, muscle bound with a six pack, had more money, had fewer issues, had a better job – the list goes on and on. It is so easy to beat yourself up because your dream relationship has not materialised yet.

I have news for you. You don’t have to be perfect to be married. Just looking around at some of the married people you know should tell you that. Reject the mindset of ineligibility. Don’t count yourself out, because what you honestly believe about yourself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may have made some mistakes and, yes, there may be some issues in your life. Acknowledge your challenges but put them in perspective. They are not insurmountable. You are valuable but you need to see yourself as such. Confidence is attractive; don’t sell yourself cheap just because you have scars. God loves you and He is able to lead you to someone who will love you for who you are.

While you don’t need to be perfect, there are three things you need to be to make the best of the moment.

Prepared

The time to prepare for a relationship is not when you are already in one. Preparation is never wasted. When preparation meets opportunity, wonderful things happen. What you do today can position you better for a fulfilling relationship tomorrow. Invest in knowledge that will help you make the best of a future relationship. Nobody is born with the knowledge they need to make a success out of love. Don’t assume that you will naturally know what to do in a relationship when the opportunity presents itself. Enrich your mind by reading good material on relationships, attend seminars and talk to people who have gone ahead and learnt a thing or two. You can never have too much knowledge on a subject.

Positive

Don’t give in to a negative mindset simply because you don’t yet have the relationship you desire. There is no point comparing your life with others because we are all on a personal journey with God. Stay positive and try to live a full life where you are. Don’t retreat into your shell and wait for love to find you. Get out there and give love wherever you can. Be a blessing to someone else. We live in a broken world where so many people are crying out for love. You have so much love to give – don’t wait for a spouse before you share it. Make someone else’s life better today. When you sow love, you will reap love in more ways than one.

Prayerful

Staying prayerful helps us to maintain a godly perspective on life. There is a void in your heart which no human companionship can fill. Talk to God consistently and constantly. He knows your feelings even before you express them and He holds the masterplan for your life. Prayer keeps our hope alive until we receive the promise. It keeps us energized even when the world around us is caving in. God loves you unconditionally and He cherishes the time you spend with Him.

P.S. Encourage someone today. Share this post!

Where on earth is my soulmate?

Sun, 30 Aug 2015 16:23:00 GMT

You might ask, ‘Does this mean that there is only one soulmate for me?’ No, but when you meet such a person you should feel like no one else can fulfil you like they do. Don’t buy into the mindset that your best opportunity is behind you. The fact that you did not recognise a potential soulmate in your past does not disqualify you from a fulfilling relationship in the future.

There are a few things you need to keep in mind as you trust God for a soulmate:

You are smart, savvy and single.

You know that finding the love that’s right for you is not going to be a serendipitous accident.

Be strategic in your positioning

Don’t look for penguins in the Sahara. If you want to meet godly men or women, go where they are. If your lifestyle is isolating you from the sort of person you would like to marry, you could benefit from a repositioning. There is no point in shining your light where no one can see it. You might need to step outside your comfort zone to expand your circle of friends.

Adjust your filter

We all have a subconscious filter with which we filter the people we meet daily. As you meet single members of the opposite you are subconsciously filtering them and neatly categorising them into ‘could be’ and ‘could never be’ categories. If your filter is faulty and you focus on the wrong things, you might strain out the right people and admit the wrong people into your life. Be careful not to judge people superficially. What you need is true love and when you find it you will discover that the package in which it comes is much less relevant than you might have thought.

Broaden your horizons

Prejudice constricts your opportunities. Be aware of what your prejudices are doing to your social life. If your circle of friends is completely homogenous and made up of people just like you, you might be missing out on some of the richness life has to offer. Your soulmate may come from a continent which is a world apart from yours or may have a different background from you. Put aside your prejudices about age, race and background. Love can be found in unlikely places.

Be open minded about God’s methods

Don’t let romantic fantasies rob you of a God ordained relationship. You might meet your soulmate in decidedly unromantic circumstances. He or she might even be a childhood friend you have overlooked. You might be introduced by a mutual friend or…horror of horrors…by a family member! We all want to be independent and have DIY relationships but many times marriage is a community project. I remember a young man who protested vehemently to me because his aunt had introduced him to someone; he was convinced she was trying to match-make him. He has now been happily married to the same woman for a decade.

P.S. Show someone you care! Share this post.

Opposites attract

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 15:31:00 GMT

If I was asked to name the singular, most important principle I have ever learnt about human relationships, I would encapsulate it in two words. Opposites attract. This is why reserved people are attracted to outgoing people; disorganised people are impressed with orderly people; indecisive people are drawn to strong decision makers. We are attracted to others when we subconsciously identify in them qualities which we need in our own lives. We are somehow innately aware that when we link up with people who are strong where we are weak and vice versa, we will be better together than we could ever be apart.

If you married someone who was identical to you, it is safe to say that you would be strong in similar areas and possess similar weaknesses. The fact that opposites tend to attract is potentially one of the greatest keys to success in relationships but paradoxically it is instrumental in the failure of many relationships.

When attraction becomes irritation

The flip side of every strength you are attracted to in a person is a weakness you will become irritated with at some point. Each of us in an eclectic bundle of strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, experience and ignorance; we are not perfect. Yet, it seems to come as a shock to many people when they encounter their partner’s imperfections, so they react negatively to those discoveries. All of a sudden, ‘I love how carefree and spontaneous she is!’ becomes, ‘How could she be so irresponsible?’; ‘He is so calm and easy-going’ morphs into ‘ He is so lazy and under-motivated’ ; the ‘strong and decisive’ husband suddenly begins to be characterised as a ‘control freak’ and then the classic one – ‘She is so lively and bubbly’ degenerates into ‘Can’t she ever be quiet?’ As soon as we begin to focus on the weaknesses in our partner’s life, we lose all perspective and it becomes harder to recall what attracted us to them in the first place.

Why opposites attack

One subtle reason why opposites begin to attack each other in relationships is because they refuse to acknowledge that their partners are different so the only other alternative they have is to view them as wrong . The assumption that your partner should reason and behave like you negates the very principle on which the success of your relationship should be founded. Unless we free our partner from unrealistic expectations and learn to adapt to the inevitable ways in which they will be different from us, we will continually be disappointed because we labour under the illusion that we are right and they are wrong.

Adapting to differences

It is crucial that we approach relationships with a strong dose of realism, recognising that we cannot demand perfection from someone else when we are incapable of perfection ourselves. Your relationship will never be perfect because firstly, you are in it, and secondly, you have chosen an imperfect person. John Fischer puts it this way, ‘The success of a marriage comes not in finding the perfect person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married. Some people never make this adjustment and become trapped in the endless search after an image that doesn’t exist’ . The ability to adjust to imperfection will reduce the sources of irritation in any relationship. If you want to be happy in your relationship, at some point you need to give up trying to make your partner what they are not and cultivate an attitude of gratitude for the many strengths which they possess.

Understanding temperament

One of the reasons why you and your partner differ so much is temperament. Temperament is quite simply an inherited combination of traits which defines our personality, behaviour, predispositions, interests and giftings. It influences every aspect of our lives from our work habits and how we spend money to how we express love and how we view sex. It touches our worship of God, shaping how we experience Him and how we express our devotion for Him. While temperament can be modified, it never really changes. It is our uniqueness which escorts us through life like the colour of our eyes and skin.

The subject of temperament has been studied extensively by many psychologists and you may well have come across it in the form of psychometric testing at work. I have personally found the Christian perspective offered by the best-selling author, Tim LaHaye, to be an infinite blessing in my family and work life. I first encountered his book, Spirit Controlled Temperament when I was eighteen. It was a journey in self-discovery. He and his wife went on to author several other books on this important subject; I highly recommend their materials.

P.S. What are your thoughts on how to enjoy a relationship with someone opposite to you? Share on Twitter and Facebook.

8 ways to overcome conflict in relationships

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 15:26:00 GMT

Why do we react with such surprise when we face conflict in our relationships? The only relationships in which you will never experience conflict are relationships that simply don’t matter. When you are indifferent to a relationship, differences mean nothing to you but when you truly care about someone, the stakes are higher and this sometimes leads to tension.

The unique thing about conflict is that it never leaves your relationship the same. You will always end up a notch higher or lower in your love and understanding of each other when the issue has blown over. Clashes will either regenerate or degenerate your relationship.

Conflict in a relationship is like a crossroad; it can lead to closeness or crisis depending on the choices you make. Managing conflict is really about choices. It is not about the issue that is upsetting you. It is about the choices you are making and where those choices are taking your relationship. The ability to make the right choices in the face of conflict is one of the most critical survival skills for any relationship.

Here are eight choices which will turn every conflict into an opportunity for growth:

Choose respect

Starting from a platform of mutual respect means that you will both emerge from the conflict with your dignity intact. Attack the problem, not the person. The other person should not feel violated by the way you express yourself in a disagreement. Choosing your words carefully is more important than choosing your position. The aim is to resolve the conflict, not to score points.

Choose understanding

Assume the best from the very start. Don’t jump to the conclusion that your partner is out to hurt you. Before you even hear an explanation, position yourself with an understanding heart. Love is ever ready to believe the best of every person.

Choose communication

This is the first active step towards resolution. We all have inherent habits which short-circuit our communication when we are upset. If you have a tendency to attack, cool off before you speak up. Don’t use your creative genius with words to express your anger or you will make the best speech you will live to regret. On the other hand, crawling into your shell and refusing to talk things over is just as destructive. Learn the art of talking things over.

Choose focus

Don’t reach into the past to gather ammunition for today’s conflict; that just makes things messy. Do you instinctively turn into a historian in the face of a conflict? It is unproductive to try to gain unfair advantage by reminding someone about their past mistakes. Focus on the issue at hand and deal with it decisively without complicating matters.

Choose peace

Some people love an argument just for the sake of it. You are in a relationship, not a sparring competition. Love has nothing to prove so you really don’t need to have the last word. There is no point in winning the argument and losing your relationship.

Choose ownership

Take responsibility and don’t play the blame game. Hold yourself responsible for the way you feel rather than abdicating responsibility to your partner. Your attitude and actions should not depend on someone else’s behaviour.

Choose forgiveness

Choosing forgiveness means extending mercy even when your partner has not asked for it; just like God did for you. It means being prepared to apologise for your five percent even when your partner is ninety-five percent wrong. Don’t let pride get the better of you. It is a mark of maturity to be quick to say you are sorry and truly mean it. When you sow forgiveness, you can only reap forgiveness.

Choose Christ

Conflict is an open door in a relationship. It is an opportunity for the Lordship of Christ or the interference of the devil. Both sides are keenly interested in how you respond in a crisis. ‘If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly; for when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27 (TLB)

P.S. Know someone who needs this? Caring is sharing!

How to keep your head when your heart is broken

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 15:23:00 GMT

Heartbreak is the other side of romance that nothing in this world can prepare you for. Perhaps you’re thinking, ‘been there, done that and won’t be loving anyone ever again if I can help it’ . You can identify because it happened to you…perhaps not too long ago. All that remains of a once vibrant relationship is a wound, a scar, and fragments of memories that remind you of what once was. Depression hits you like a ten-tonne truck. It’s a painful place to be, mourning the demise of what might have been…the death of a future with someone you loved and lost. Nobody ever plans for heartbreak. Rejection hurts big time. People tell you to get over it, but you are left wondering, ‘How?’ The pain is so real; it keeps you up at night wondering what you could have done differently.

Here’s how to rise above heartbreak and make your way back to full recovery.

Put your pain into perspective

One of the characteristics of pain is its capacity to blind us to the truth. Blinding pain can be so absorbing that everything else pales in significance. Emotional pain is exacerbated by the way we view our experiences. Perspective is everything. How we interpret our situation is infinitely more important than the situation in which we find ourselves. Sometimes we feel that if we can only understand, then we can survive. We ask ourselves all sorts of questions: ‘Why?’ , ‘Why me?’ , and ‘Why now? We need to be careful about the self-talk that occurs in our heads as we attempt to process our pain because the meaning which we attach to our pain and how we interpret it makes the difference between drowning in it and rising above it.

Don’t build a temple to house your pain

Heartbreak hurts; it hurts badly. Anyone who claims it doesn’t is in denial. However, heartbreak is not meant to hurt forever. A broken limb hurts for a while to tell you that you need to take steps to gain healing. Pain continues indefinitely only when the process of healing has been interfered with. The pain of heartbreak can only continue indefinitely when you build a temple at that place in your life’s journey and refuse to move on. Bitter people are constantly making pilgrimages back to the place in their past where someone hurt them. Every subsequent relationship they have is tainted by their pain because they try to make the next person pay off someone else’s debt. Bitterness is a costly luxury you cannot afford because God’s forgiveness extended towards us is contingent upon our willingness to extend forgiveness to others. Forgive if you really want to move on.

Don’t make a memorial of your mistakes

Potentially one of the most difficult tasks we face as human beings is forgiving ourselves when we trip up, especially when we make mistakes that cost us something precious. We rehash our failures and ponder our missteps, wondering how we could have been so stupid. Perhaps you made mistakes in your relationship which you believe led to its failure. Or maybe you feel like you have failed God because of the way you conducted yourself in that relationship. Self-forgiveness is difficult but it is essential in finding healing for our hearts. God has no difficulty forgiving you but the evidence that you have truly received His forgiveness is when you have truly forgiven yourself. We make ourselves more righteous than God when we refuse to forgive ourselves for what He has so graciously forgiven.

Find your healing in helping others

Selflessness is therapeutic to the human heart. When we sow healing into someone else’s life, we reap healing in ours and receive power in our souls to rise above depression. When we can’t see beyond our own pain, we miss out on opportunities to minister healing to others. There is someone within your sphere of influence who would benefit from a kind word, a helping hand or even a shoulder to cry on. The broken truly become masters at mending. Don’t waste your pain. Reach out and become God’s instrument of healing today. In his book, Abba’s Child: The cry of the heart for intimate belonging , Brennan Manning points out that ‘In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.’ Joy will return to your soul when you begin to actively seek the happiness of others. What you have been through qualifies you to minister encouragement to others who are going through the same thing.

P.S. Be an agent of healing and share this article with someone who needs it.

Before you say ‘I do’…

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 15:15:00 GMT

Many years ago I read a book by Jack and Carole Mayhall titled, ‘Marriage Takes More Than Love’ . This was so long ago that I cannot remember any details from the book but the title stuck with me. If you are thinking about spending your life with someone, what is the most likely question you would be asking yourself? If you are like most people, ‘Do I love him or her?’ would be the top thing on your mind. That’s a great place to start but I want to share with you five less-thought-about questions which you ought to ask yourself if you are contemplating spending your life with someone.

Do we respect each other?

Respect is one of the essentials which no marriage can survive without. Respect on both sides is crucial to a healthy relationship. No woman should ever place herself in a position where she marries a man she cannot respect. Marry a man who inspires you and whose judgement and wisdom you can trust. In the same vein, it is a mistake for a man to marry a woman whose opinions he does not genuinely value and whose uniqueness he cannot respect. His lack of respect for her will hinder her from being everything that God designed her to be in his life. Examine your relationship and ask yourself whether genuine respect is an underlying characteristic of your conversations and conduct on both sides. Love cannot thrive for very long in an atmosphere of indifference and disrespect.

Do we trust each other?

Trust is the bedrock of a stable marriage. In order to open up and truly love and be loved by someone, you must believe that your heart is safe in their keeping. Trust cannot be demanded; it is a gift that is earned. Before you bestow your trust upon someone, they must demonstrate that they are worthy of it. You should be able to trust that your partner’s word is their bond; that what they say and what they do are congruent. Trust is built on truth. When deception enters a relationship, regardless of how small, it tampers with the very foundations of that relationship. If your partner gives you cause to doubt their integrity when you are in a courtship, marriage will only magnify the problem. Whatever you do, do not compromise on this element of your relationship.

Are we committed to each other?

Are you prepared to say ‘Yes!’ to this person and close your eyes to all other possibilities for the rest of your life? And are they willing to offer the same level of commitment? Until you are both prepared to go all out for your relationship, the chances of survival in marriage are very slim. Every marriage needs a level of commitment which goes beyond a mere commitment not to divorce but rather draws out of us the willingness to do whatever it takes to make that marriage work; anything less than that will make marriage a wasted opportunity. If either of you is unprepared to make a red hot commitment to each other, you are better off walking away now than enduring the dissatisfaction of a lukewarm marriage.

Can I live happily with you if you never change?

Albert Einstein famously said, ‘Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.’ One of the most common mistakes that people make when choosing a partner is settling for someone they are not fully satisfied with in the hopes that said person will change sometime in the future to become more like what they want in a spouse. In making such a decision, they ignore the fundamental fact that human beings are notoriously resistant to change, especially when it is imposed. The baseline for a successful marriage is contentment. When you begin from that footing, it becomes easy to enjoy your partner’s strengths, of which there will be many, and accept whatever faults show up as they inevitably will. Your spouse is not a makeover project.

Am I ignoring any warning signals?

The previous point intersects with this question which borders on what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. It is dangerous to overlook warning signals in a relationship in the interest of acceptance. There are certain behavioural patterns which are definite red flags in a relationship – verbal and physical abuse, addictions, infidelity, chronic irresponsibility, deception, deep-seated unforgiveness, vengefulness, violent tendencies, self-centredness, compulsive jealousy, uncontrollable rage – the list goes on and on but you get the picture. Any one of these character traits would render a marriage intolerable in a very short space of time. It would be simply perilous to ignore them. Get away as fast as you can from a relationship marred by dangerous flaws; ignoring warning signals is simply storing up trouble for the future.

PS. What do you think about these five questions? Read more in my book, Get Real , and share your comments on Facebook or Twitter.

Romance and finance

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 14:52:00 GMT

What has finance got to do with romance? The answer is an awful lot. A longitudinal study of 4,500 couples carried out by Sonya Britt, a Kansas State University researcher, which was published in Family Relations Journal in 2012, indicated that arguing about money is the top predictor of divorce in American families. The research indicated that couples who argued about money early in their relationships – regardless of their income, debt or net worth – were at a greater risk for divorce. It comes as no surprise then that finances consistently figure in the top five reasons for divorce wherever such statistics are available. There are three major sources of financial conflict to look out for in your relationship:

Money management matters

One of the biggest sources of financial conflict in relationships is differing perspectives towards how to manage money. As surely as opposites attract, you can almost be certain that you will find yourself in a relationship or married to someone who is somewhat different from you in their approach to handling money. How will you handle those differences?

There are two extremes when it comes to people’s attitudes to money management; people who never consciously address the place of money in their lives by taking an active role in shaping their own financial destinies, and others who never, ever stop thinking and worrying about money, no matter how much of it they have. Somewhere in between we need to be able to find a healthy, balanced attitude to money management that comes from a realisation that it makes a wonderful servant but a tyrannical master.

Understand your different spending patterns

Spending patterns are another area of potential conflict in a relationship. If a strict budgeter marries a happy-go-lucky spender, sparks are bound to fly. The same applies when someone who is incredibly generous and will give to anyone who approaches them with a sob story hooks up to a partner who would outclass Ebenezer Scrooge in the ranks of tight-fistedness. Most differences in partners’ spending patterns are not that extreme but there is no doubt that if you do not understand how your partner spends money, you might be in for some rude surprises in the future.

Our spending patterns can often be a reflection of our values. When we do not understand the value that our partner places on money, we risk being seen as the hindrance standing between them and the goal which they are convinced will bring them happiness. ‘We need to save that money for a car rather than spending it on a holiday’ , can be interpreted to mean ‘I care more about driving a dream car tomorrow than building memories with you today’, unless a compromise position is negotiated sensitively. Differences like these will need to be reconciled as sometimes there is no right or wrong answer as to whose desire is most legitimate.

Joint accounts or not?

A further area of potential conflict is our individual expectations about how money will be handled in our relationship. Again there is no right or wrong answer to this. Some couples swear by joint accounts; others have a joint account for major purchases as well as individual accounts; yet others have individual accounts but distribute the financial responsibility so everyone knows who is responsible for what. In my view, the principle of oneness in marital finances is more important than the practice of putting it all in one place.

I have always joked with my husband that everything he has is mine and everything I have is also mine! In practice though, while we maintain separate accounts for day to day spending and a dedicated account for bills, there are no boundaries between my money and his. I have access to his bank account and he has access to mine. We both know what comes in and what goes out. It is all one. You are not really one until your money has become one but whether that translates into joint or individual accounts is less relevant. Do whatever works for your particular circumstances.

P.S. Do you think finance matters when you are in love? Share your views on Facebook and Twitter .

Speaking the language of love

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 13:44:00 GMT

God manifested His love for us in a way we could perceive and understand – by giving His Son. The key to your relationship with your friend, partner, parent or child is for you to bridge the gap between the manifestation of your love and their perception of your love. Picture every person God brings into your life as a machine that requires constant refuelling. Some run on petrol, others on diesel, while some are more eco-friendly and run on electricity or even batteries. No matter how much petrol you put in a diesel engine, it will not run because it was not designed to run on petrol.

This is the essence of learning to speak the language of love. Each one of us is born with a peculiar love language; a language in which love must be expressed to us in order for us to perceive it as love. If those closest to us do not consistently express love to us in a way we can perceive, our love engine will break down at some point. The other side to this is that we tend to express love in the language we understand. We give what we want to receive; not realising that what we need may not necessarily be what the other person needs.

If you can recognise your love language and discover the love languages of those closest to you, your relationships will be so much richer if you act on that knowledge. In his book, The Five Love Languages , Gary Chapman introduces the concept of love languages and explains that we all have a primary and secondary love language. See if you can identify yours.

Words

Words are a universal mode of expression but when they are your primary love language, they mean much more to you. If this is your love language you thrive on words of affirmation which highlight your value to the person speaking. You are the sort of person that needs to hear ‘I love you’ or ‘You mean the world to me’ frequently. Affirming words which draw attention to your qualities and abilities build your self-esteem and make you feel cherished. You thrive on compliments; the more specific, the better. Verbal appreciation matters to you as do meaningful cards, quotes and poems. Harsh words are particularly devastating to you and you will replay a verbal slight over and over in your mind.

Gifts

A gift is a symbol of a thought and more so to you if this is your love language. If you are the sort of person who would give the shirt off your back to make someone else happy, this might be your love language. People whose primary love language is gifts were probably always making little projects for others as a child. Making cards, picking flowers, sharing sweets, anything to make someone else smile. As they grow older they express their love by giving frequently and are very generous in that sense. Givers attach sentimental value to the gifts they receive and are often disappointed when you forget their birthday because they will never forget yours. For such people, it’s not how expensive the gift is; it’s the time and thought that makes them feel special.

Time

Are you someone who loves to chat for ages on the phone with friends, likes to meet up for lunch or dinner and enjoys sharing activities with others? Your love language might be time. Quality time with a loved one where you have their focussed attention is very valuable to you. Time is an irreplaceable commodity and to give it to another person communicates that you value them greatly. People with this love language don’t even care what you do together; even if you just sit together talking quietly, watching TV or reading, it all counts as long as it is shared with you. The most devastating thing you can do to such a person is not to be there when they need you.

Touch

Touch is a universal expression of love which communicates acceptance. There are people who thrive on touch more than others and they are not difficult to identify. They will hug you to make you feel better and hold your hands to show they care. They will pat you on the back to encourage you and touch you when they talk to you. Non-sexual touch feeds a need in these people and they will give lots of eye contact when they speak. While this love language more than others might be tempered by what is culturally acceptable, in their close relationships touchers will reach out physically often and will value touch much more than others do.

Service

Some people live for activity; they must always be doing something to make somebody else more comfortable. At work, they are the ones who love to make cups of tea for everyone else, wash everyone else’s coffee cups and help others out at the expense of their own work. At home they will express their love by meeting the needs of their family, cooking, cleaning, running errands – anything to take care of others. They will go out of their way to make others comfortable but they get hurt when others do not return to the favour. These people are gifted in hospitality and will inconvenience themselves to help others.

P.S. Giving is a language of love. Be a giver today and share this post with someone you care about.

How to avoid blind love

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 13:40:00 GMT

The God who gave you a heart also gave you a head. Use it! Feelings are not conclusive – they come and go, so go beyond your emotions and check things out before you commit to someone. There are four things you can do to avoid ‘blind L.O.V.E’.

L – Listen

Don’t make uninformed decisions about a person. If you are going to make a conclusive decision about someone you must learn about them, and one way to learn is to listen. Ask them pointed questions about things that matter to you and listen carefully to how they respond. Forget how lovely their eyes look for the moment and focus on what they are actually saying.

O – Observe

Somebody once said that ‘If love is blind, marriage is a real eye opener’ . We often tend to look at someone through rose-tinted glasses before we are married; once we are married we pull out the magnifying glass and begin to scrutinise for faults. We should do the exact opposite. Carefully observe a person before you choose to marry them. Watch them in their natural habitat and around their friends and family. Watch how they respond to pressure and how they treat others. God makes it clear that we tend to look at the appearance but He looks at the heart. Ask Him to help you see as He sees.

V – Verify

Ronald Reagan famously said, ‘Trust, but verify.’ Get to know a person’s friends, family, and pastor – anyone who really knows them. Until then all you have is unsubstantiated testimony. There is a reason that bankers and employers ask for references. Introduce them to people who matter to you and be open to receiving counsel. It is pointless to gather unverified information about a person.

E – Express

Any person you have to pretend for will be a lifelong burden not a blessing. Open up and see how they respond. Share your faith, values, dreams and life story, and observe the feedback. Open up about your triumphs and failures and see how they react. Be yourself and see if this person values you as you are.

P.S. Love is sharing! Someone you know needs this post. Pass it on.

What are friends for?

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 13:35:00 GMT

When God sends people into your life, He does it for a reason. We get frustrated with our relationships when we misunderstand their purpose. Don’t try to make a friendship what it was not meant to be. You will only get hurt and hurt others. Try to discern the purpose of a friendship and enjoy it rather than projecting your own needs on the other person. There are three elements that frame the purpose of a friendship: boundaries, expectations and dispensations.

Boundaries: Every relationship must have boundaries which determine how deep it should go. The only boundless human relationship should be a marriage relationship. If you try to cultivate boundless relationships with everyone you meet, you will either end up hurt very often or you will scare people off. Not everyone who gains access to your life deserves access to your heart. The whole world doesn’t need to know your business.

Expectations: The purpose of a relationship will determine the expectations you can place upon it. When Jesus faced the most difficult moment of His life He did not expect all His disciples to share in it – He turned to His inner circle. Unreasonable expectations are a relationship killer.

Dispensations: Not all friendships are designed to last forever. Friends will come, some will go, and some will remain. Trying to extend a relationship beyond its natural lifespan only leads to strain and disappointment.

Think about the following types of relationships and try to identify the ones in your life:

Foundational relationships

There are people who are meant to be part of your beginnings. They believe in you when there is no sign of greatness around you. They speak into your dreams and may or may not be a part of your next season. Daniel had a cohort of foundational friends who stood shoulder to shoulder with him to brave the challenges of living as a captive immigrant in a foreign land.

Strategic associations

Every now and then God brings unlikely people into your life to midwife your next season. They are catalysts to move you from Point A to Point B. They function like scaffolding, erected for a season to add something to your life but then they are removed in order for your beauty to show. They are not part of the building; they are part of your ‘becoming’ process and you should respect them as such. Strategic associations are often vertical – with people who have something in their lives which you don’t, be it wisdom, skill, experience or influence. If you are only skilled at staying in your comfort zone and cultivating horizontal relationships with people at your current level, you will not stretch and progress as you should. Strategic associates might be mentors for a particular season or simply people willing to use their influence to engineer your access to the next level. Don’t be upset if they don’t hang around forever; just maximise their contribution while you can.

Forever friends

There are few people who are meant to be your friends for life. These are relationships which are capable of weathering every season, with people who understand who you were, appreciate who you are and celebrate who you are becoming. You relate with few boundaries and great expectations because such relationships have been tried and tested through the various dispensations of your life. Forever friends are people who depend on you and whom you can depend on when it really counts.

What is love anyway?

Sun, 16 Aug 2015 13:31:00 GMT

The stark truth is that many people in search of love do not have a clear understanding of what love is. They are not quite sure what they are looking for but they hope that when they find it they will recognise it. Millions of couples sign the dotted lines swearing undying love without a clue as to what they are signing up to. Perhaps you have reached the point where you question the very existence of love. Have you ever wondered, ‘Is it worth it all?’ I say an unequivocal ‘Yes!’

Love can add colours and dimensions to life that we never knew existed. It can deliver to you the marriage of your dreams if you are prepared to clear up the mystery and understand what love really is. If I asked everyone reading this article to send me their definition of love, we would have as many definitions as people. In my studies I have come across some bizarre definitions of love and I share a few for laughs:

‘Love is a fever that marriage cures’ – by Mr Disappointed

‘Love is the act of arming someone against yourself’ – by Ms Vulnerable

And my personal favourite,

‘Love is a feeling which you feel when you feel a feeling you have never felt before.’ – by someone who was obviously floating on cloud nine!

The English language does not help matters because we love ice cream, we love our new shoes and we also love our spouse. How confusing…

What you believe about love matters because it will affect the partner you choose to marry, shape your behaviour and responses towards them, and ultimately affect the kind of marriage you will have. In order to demystify love I believe we need to understand three things:

Love is a choice not a feeling

If love is a feeling, that puts it in the same class as happiness, sadness, anger and fear. The common denominator for all these feelings is that they are unpredictable. An unpredictable feeling is a shaky foundation for a marriage that is supposed to last a lifetime. Love may start off as a feeling but it cannot endure if it remains in that realm. Everything changes when we begin to view love as a choice which we can exercise control over. This sounds unexciting but it makes for stable marriages. I don’t just feel love for my husband; I know I love him because I made that choice nearly twenty years ago and daily I reinforce that choice by my actions. Loving feelings will ebb and flow in a relationship. Some days you wake up deliriously in love and other days you just want to be left alone but choosing love smooths all those ups and downs.

Love is an art to be learned

Loving another individual requires a willingness to learn. Your needs will differ from your mate’s so if you give love in the way and manner you hope to receive it, half the time you are likely to get it wrong. Study your partner, discover what lights his or her fires, find out want they respond to and love them in a language they understand.

Love is a discipline to be maintained

True love is not second nature to human beings. It does not just come naturally. There is an inherent selfishness which we all need to overcome in order to love totally. It is easy to act lovingly when we are on an emotional high but when the grind of daily living takes its toll, we lose our motivation to love selflessly. This is where the discipline of love needs to take over so that we can behave lovingly even at moments when we don’t feel like it.

P.S. What does love mean to you? Share your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.