How to refresh your marriage
Where did all the excitement go? How did you lose the wonder of being married to the love of your life. There was a time when the thought of your beloved filled your heart with warmth and joy. You could not wait to see each other. Moments apart stretched out like ages. Time spent together seemed to take flight on eagles’ wings. Now a cold mist of indifference has gripped your heart. Where did all the exhilaration go? And more importantly, how can you recapture it?
The period between ‘I will’ and ‘I do’ is always supercharged with emotions. There is a feeling of blessedness that comes with finding the one with whom you know you want to spend the rest of your life. When, out of a world of seven billion people, you discover one person with whom you connect, and they connect with you, it makes you feel grateful. Grateful to have found love and grateful that love has found you.
Fast forward six months, one year, or five years down the line when gratitude begins to lose its shine. Your fascination loses its edge as you are confronted daily with the reality that the person you married is human and…surprise, surprise…flawed. We forget that our uniqueness as human beings is not one dimensional. We are unique in our strengths but the flip side of every strength, every gift, every talent, is a unique set of weaknesses we are striving to overcome. The journey of spiritual maturity is an ongoing venture to curb our weaknesses so that our strengths can flourish. 2 Peter 1:5-8 puts it this way.
‘For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.’
The reality is that no matter how spiritual you or your spouse are, there is always something to ‘add’. There is always something we are working on. So what do we do when we are confronted with those areas in our spouse’s life which are still ‘under construction’ ? When we discover that our spouse is vibrant, energetic, funny and disorganised in equal parts? Or we find out that our strong, determined, capable sweetheart is lacking in the empathy department? What do we do when we are confronted with the obvious human-ness of our husband or wife? For many people, their spouse’s lack becomes their sole obsession in the relationship. It no longer matters that she makes you laugh and encourages you when you are hurting; all that matters is that she cannot remember appointments and is perpetually late. It now counts for nothing that he provides so diligently and stands by you in difficult times; all that you can see is that he fails to remember your birthday or did not text you to let you know he would be late home.
Suddenly, the little irritations become big issues. We lose perspective because we have lost our sense of wonder. From my experience counselling married couples, I have come to the conclusion that all the tools and techniques in the world will not help a marriage if the partners are fundamentally ungrateful for each other. When a sense of entitlement creeps into a marriage, it drains that marriage of every iota of vitality. If you are consumed with the idea that your spouse owes you more, you will lose the ability to be thankful for what you already have. I don’t diminish the fact that in some marriages there are big, fundamental problems that threaten the continued existence of that marriage. I encounter such situations daily in my work with couples. However, I have found that in many marriages, it is the little annoyances that have been catalogued and have escalated to the point where the couple completely loses sight of how blessed they are to have each other. They lose perspective. They lose focus.
What is the secret to recapturing your fascination and refreshing your marriage? Let’s start with something basic. Thankfulness. I am a firm believer in teaching step-by-step principles and practices to enhance love relationships. That has become the focus of my life’s work but I am convinced that without a foundation of gratitude, principles mean nothing and techniques fall short. Thankfulness keeps you enamoured with your spouse because it reminds you about all the things you love about them, not all the areas where they are lacking. Thankfulness gives birth to praise. The more thankful you are for your spouse, the easier it will be to verbalise your admiration and appreciation. Luke 6:45 makes it clear that ‘…the mouth speaks what the heart is full of’. Thankfulness does not mean everything is perfect; it just means we acknowledge God’s faithfulness in our today. This is one of the greatest paradigm shifts we can have in a relationship.
Take a moment and reflect right now. Your spouse may be falling short in some areas that matter to you but what qualities drew you to him or her in the first place? Those qualities are still there if you can unearth them and look at them afresh with newfound appreciation. There are men and women out there who are wishing and longing for those precise qualities in their spouse. The difficulty is that we all take for granted what we have and we magnify what we lack. We need to learn to value what we have. Catch sight of your spouse’s goodness afresh and thank God for it.
Make a list of five reasons why you are grateful for your spouse and thank God out loud for each reason for thirty days. Do it consistently and it will change your perspective because that’s how to break the habit of criticism; replace it with a habit of gratitude. You will soon find that appreciation becomes your default setting and while your spouse may still be imperfect, as you are, you will be perfectly grateful for him or her and your marriage will be refreshed.
Consider this quote from Melody Beattie which sums it all up beautifully for me. ‘Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.’
