When will you marry?
I grew up in a world before video games and on-demand TV when children actually played outside with friends as opposed to linking up with virtual ‘friends’ on their mobile phones. Life was ridiculously uncomplicated and we found the greatest delight in the simplest things like the daily dose of Sesame Street , endless rounds of hop-scotch and of course, skipping. A skipping rope was an essential commodity for any primary school girl and I spent numerous hours perfecting my skipping skills with my friends.
As I reflect, I recall a seemingly innocuous song which was a staple accompaniment to many of our skipping escapades. ‘Tomi, Tomi, when will you marry? This year? Next year? Sometime forever? January, February etc etc’. You get the drift. It was laughable. We were not even teenagers yet. Little did we know that this would become a life defining question for many of us in the near future.
‘When will you marry?’ has become the one question that many single women and increasing numbers of single men have come to dread at family functions and school reunions. Those words thoughtlessly bounce off the lips of well-meaning relatives and friends and echo in the souls of men and women trying to find one person to love forever in a world of 7 billion people. How come finding love sometimes seems so hard? Is love simply a lottery at which some people strike it lucky while others lose out?
Have you ever wondered where all the good men or women have gone? Why does it seem that some people meet their match when they’re not even looking while others seek for years before finding one? I mulled this issue over for years and just when I had filed it in the questions-to-ask-God-when-I-get–to-heaven file, God spoke up in my heart one day with a series of questions. Now, when God begins to answer your questions with questions, you know that God is not asking to be educated by you as Job found out during his trials! Having rambled on for ages, bemoaning his sorry situation, God responded to Job with a volley of questions in Job 38 – 41 which I believe is the most awe-inspiring description of the majesty of God contained in scripture.
But I digress. Back to my dialogue with God…or more accurately, monologue (as He was asking all the questions). The questions were brief but instructive. Why does day not break at the same time every day? Why does night-fall not arrive at the same time each night? Why do the seasons change on different days each year? Why do all the apples on a tree not ripen at the same time during fruiting season? Does it mean that there is something wrong? It was an eureka moment for me. I know that there are all sorts of scientific explanations for these phenomena but ultimately they all point to the sovereignty of the God who set these forces in motion. I have had many opportunities since that day to reflect on the truth that God is the God of our life-seasons and much as we may wish to dictate the pace at which our seasons change, we do not have the capacity to, because God has chosen to keep that within His remit. Our part is to act on His word consistently; His part is to perform His word, and He always does.
Don’t conclude that there is something wrong with you simply because you have not found your soulmate yet. It’s not because you have not prayed enough or fasted enough. It’s not because you are not good looking enough or because you have too many ‘issues’ ; it’s not even about more money in the bank or a nicer car. The truth is that you don’t have to be perfect to be married. Just taking a look at some of the married people you know should tell you that! If you know God has not called you to a life of singleness and you really want to get married, I believe that God is committed to fulfilling your heart’s desires because He put those desires there. If you are prepared to follow His plan for your relationships, you will get married at the right time for you and not a second later.
When we succeed in laying to rest the matter of timing, it makes it easier to concentrate on enjoying and maximising each season of our lives. For the single ladies out there, all the mental arguments about ticking biological clocks are very real and daunting but at some point you need to hand the clock to God and let Him do the watching while you get on with living. That is definitely harder to do than it sounds but it is fundamental to living a fulfilled life as a single person. Otherwise you run the risk of ascribing your fulfilment to a relationship that does not have the capacity to deliver fulfilment in and of itself, rather than to God. All the worry in the world will not deliver God’s promise; faith and trust will. Having said this, we each have a responsibility to ensure that we do not prolong the waiting seasons of our lives unnecessarily by our attitudes and choices.
In my view, more important than the ‘When will you marry?’ question is this, ‘Will you be ready when you do marry?’ That, for me, is the crux of the matter. You may not be able to answer the ‘When?’ question but your level of preparedness for marriage, when it does happen, is entirely within the realms of your control. Some people squander their singleness, making one bad choice after another in a race to the altar, when they should actually be taking a step back to assess what kind of personal development they require to be able to sustain a strong, godly marriage when it does happen. In the immortal words of Whitney Young, Jr., the great American Civil Rights leader, ‘It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.’ One of the greatest tragedies I witness today is people who wait year after year for marriage, only to get married eventually and find their marriages in crisis within the first few years. They were as unprepared at the altar when they said ‘I do’ as they were way back when their wait began.
What have you done between this time last year and now to position yourself for a fulfilling marriage? How have you grown? How have your attitudes changed? What do you know this year that you didn’t know last year about how to make marriage work? Are you getting better or are you simply growing bitter? It’s your choice. I have received several messages asking me to discuss how to prepare for marriage so watch out for next week’s blog post, ‘Are you marry-able?’
