Who’s at the steering wheel?
Over the years, I have become more and more convinced that one of the most potent keys to a husband’s heart is for his wife to give up trying to control him. I recently read a revealing article by renowned speaker and best-selling author, Priscilla Shirer titled, ‘Your husband’s two biggest fears’. She quotes another speaker, Kay Arthur who argued that one of a man’s biggest fears is the fear of being controlled by a woman. (Just to satisfy your curiosity, a man’s second big fear is the fear of being found inadequate.) The desire to take control of our husbands is a subtle temptation which many women fall for in a bid to protect themselves or their family from a real or imagined disaster as a consequence of their husband’s wrong decisions. Some women behave as if they are on a mission to save their husband from himself. Our behaviour communicates that we feel he is not competent to make sensible decisions and we then marvel when he refuses to step up and assume leadership responsibility in the home. If a man thinks his leadership capacity has been pre-judged, he will either not bother to try or go off on the other extreme of being a dictator.
Many men feel like they are on trial every day; the validity of their decision-making is being judged daily by the outcomes they experience. Don’t make the burden heavier by working against him. He needs you on his team, rooting for him. Good leaders are not born; they are made by much experience in the trenches of life. Allow your husband to evolve into the leader God designed him to be. If you take away the mantle of leadership from him because you feel you can do a better job, don’t complain when you end up with a passive husband who is disinterested in the home. If a man feels like he can’t win, he will lose the will to even try. If he feels like he does not have your respect, he will not even bother to try and impress you.
Does this mean that he will always get it right? Absolutely not, but if he knows that your default position is full support for him, he will lead with confidence knowing that even when he makes a mistake you will recognise that everything he does is in the best interests of his family. Give him permission to make mistakes. Mistakes are often fuel for growth so if you try to insulate your husband from mistakes by forcing your own opinion, you will take away his opportunities for growth. Give your husband the freedom to make decisions and support him in those decisions. If you disagree with the choices he is making, state your reasons clearly and respectfully and then turn the matter over to God. 1 Peter 3:1-2 puts it this way, ‘In the same way, wives, you should patiently accept the authority of your husbands. This is so that even if they don’t obey God’s word, as they observe your pure respectful behaviour, they may be persuaded without a word by the way you live.’ Men are more easily persuaded by respectful behaviour than subversive words.
When you have a different opinion from your husband, don’t try to force your point of view. God has given you to your husband as a balancing influence, to provide another perspective so that together you both make better decisions than either of you would have made alone. This is a sacred responsibility but it is not a divine mandate to try to override your husband every time he wants to make a decision. He has ultimate responsibility for the wellbeing of the family before God and he needs to know that you trust his judgement. If he does get it wrong, having not followed your advice, it is so tempting to descend to the ‘I told you so’ mindset. Resist that temptation. Be gracious because next time you may well be the one requiring grace for your mistakes. Besides, leadership is hard and leaders need the latitude to make decisions and sometimes make mistakes without being judged. Failure, as well as success, will strengthen a man’s leadership muscles. We learn most in life, not from what we get right, but from what we get wrong.
Give your husband space to be himself without crowding him with your own agenda all the time. Sometimes, the things we fuss about as wives are really not as life-threatening as we make them out to be. Don’t let your anxieties over the future of your family propel you to grab the steering wheel from your husband. It makes sense that if two people are in a car; one needs to drive while the other trusts that the driver will get them to the destination on time and in one piece. If the person in the passenger seat keeps barking instructions or trying to grab the steering wheel, what should have been a pleasant drive could become a life-threatening experience. When you chose your husband, you chose to trust his driving. Give him the benefit of godly counsel if you spot hazards that he hasn’t spotted but then give him the latitude to drive. If you have genuine concerns about decisions your husband is making, hand them over to God, the ultimate Navigator who sees and knows all things. Pray that God will lead your husband aright and trust that ultimately God will take care of you. Lastly, if it becomes clear that your husband is making seriously reckless decisions that will endanger your family, then seek godly counsel.
