You Too Can Have a Long, Happy Marriage

Tomi Toluhi

On 6 January 2018, my husband and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. The time seems to have flown! I can vividly remember the evening of 10 January 1989, on our university campus, when he popped the question. I was only 18 and he was 22 going on 23. An improbable relationship. The statistical probability of such a youthful relationship working out was very low I would think. Furthermore, his proposal was followed by a 7-year courtship while I finished my first and second degrees in Architecture and he, having completed his Engineering degree, went off into the world of work. It was a long distance relationship for six years…another reason why it shouldn’t have worked, but it did!


As I write this, on the day before our anniversary, I am seated on the balcony of our hotel room in Fuerteventura, the second largest of the Canary Islands with lots of sun, sea, glorious beaches and friendly locals willing to greet you with a lively ‘Hola!’ at every turn. I spent most of our flight over here thanking God for His faithfulness through the years and reflecting on how we made it this far…despite the odds. I have tried to distil the distinguishing characteristics of our relationship which helped us navigate through different seasons of life and still remain in love, so that I can share them with you, because I believe you can also have the beautiful marriage you dream of. Three factors readily come to mind:


Clarity

My husband and I always had clarity about what the relationship meant to both of us, from the start. His proposal was clear – ‘I love you and I want to marry you’. There was no room for posturing or pretending; no ambiguity about his intentions. He was clear with what he was proposing; I was clear about what I was accepting. There was no ring, no fanfare, no frills – just absolute clarity. I am eternally grateful for that.


I honestly believe that ambiguity is one of the greatest threats facing Christian relationships today. People drift into emotional relationships without a thought as to whether or not they can see themselves married to this person. I frequently receive mail from ladies agonising about the status of their relationship. ‘Are we in a relationship or are we not?’ ‘Does he love me or does he not?’ ‘We’ve been in a relationship for three years – how can I get him to commit?’ This sorry situation is not entirely the creation of men. Romantic fantasies fuelled by Hollywood are placing untold pressure on sincere, godly men who have to come up with some spectacular proposal and an exotic diamond ring to be considered serious by some ladies. Unless we return to basics and learn to establish clarity as early as possible in a relationship, we will not be able to recapture the beauty of fresh, unpretentious love.


This continued cloud of ambiguity hanging over relationships seems to have led to an increase in opportunistic behaviour. People have no assurances about the future of a relationship so they focus on extracting short term rewards. There are women who expect the men in their lives to meet their every financial need, even if there’s no promise of a future together. Then there are men who seek a woman to take care of them with no strings attached. In my view, it’s unfair to place expectations on a person without a commitment to that person. To seek to dominate a person’s focus, time and attention without a commensurate commitment to them is unjust. To monopolise a person’s affections with no interest in making a lifelong commitment to them is questionable at best.


If you drag out the process of relating closely to someone you will find that you slide into an emotional relationship by default rather than choosing that person deliberately. Two years is a very long time in the life of a person – especially a woman of marriageable age. If it has taken you an entire year to agonise over whether a person is meant to be in your life or not, it’s either that you have poor spiritual instincts or you are trying to persuade yourself that what is not, is. A third option might be that you are fear-driven and seeking a perfect person or perfect conditions before you make a commitment.


Commitment


Once you have clarity about your relationship, back it up with commitment. Commitment means you burn the bridges behind you, you exclude distractions, and you focus on building this one relationship. If your relationship fails before you make it to the altar, it should not be because you got carried away by distractions from without. It should only be because you discovered something from within that meant that your relationship was no longer tenable.


For many Christian couples, dating has become the grey area where they claim the privileges of an exclusive relationship while shopping around for better prospects. When you are committed, you have a different perspective that sets you up for success in your relationship. Because you are single-minded, your relationship will weather the inevitable storms better. I had many proposals before and after my husband but once my choice was made, I was so focused on making the relationship work that every other distraction faded into oblivion. He had many opportunities to be distracted after he left me in school and went off to work, but his commitment kept him. That’s why I trust him implicitly today. Cultivating this committed mindset is what will protect the integrity of your marriage in the future.


There will always be someone prettier, more handsome, smarter, funnier, richer, if your eyes are roaming. If your eyes are focused you will see none of that. As long as you persist in the searching mindset, you will continue to experience dissatisfaction in your current relationship because you will constantly be making comparisons between the person you have chosen and others you encounter along the way. Comparison sows the seeds of dissatisfaction in a relationship and sets you up for comparison in marriage.


Commitment requires a faithful heart. That’s what you should cultivate and that’s what you should look for in a potential spouse. If every time you turn your back your fiancé or fiancée is cultivating side relationships which compete with your relationship, he or she may struggle with commitment even after marriage. Exclusivity should be a given in any committed relationship. You protect the exclusivity of your relationship by announcing it frequently, guarding your heart diligently and disconnecting from people who threaten the integrity of your relationship. Any friends you both have should be left in no doubt that your fiancé or fiancée comes first and you’re not open to alternative advances or proposals.


Curiosity


A hunger to learn is an indispensable asset in a relationship. Healthy curiosity means you have a willingness to challenge the norms and discover new things about the person you love, and what makes them happy. Never assume that you know all that it takes to build a successful marriage. The moment you lose your curiosity, you lose your edge. I am always amazed at the audacity of couples heading towards marriage who have never taken the time to study what it takes to bring out the best in their spouse. 1 Peter 3:7 encourages husband to ‘dwell with their wives according to knowledge.’ This is a great maxim for all marriage partners to live by.


I have always had a fascination with marriage and what makes it work. My husband is an equally curious person so we have both spent time over the years to open our hearts and minds to ideas that will help us be better lovers of each other. From the inception of our relationship we read marriage books together and we listened to teachings from relationship experts. That attitude persists till today, even though we’ve been happily married for 22 years. Be driven in your pursuit of knowledge that will help you understand your spouse better.


As your spouse evolves and your marriage grows, your spouse’s needs will change as well. Different seasons of life present different challenges and opportunities. Your knowledge base and your understanding of your spouse should be growing, otherwise your marriage will grow stale. The fact that you understood your spouse five years ago is no guarantee that you understand them now, if you don’t maintain your curiosity and tune in to truly see and understand what their current needs are. Study your wife or husband. What makes them unique? What makes them tick? How can you bring out the best in them? Ask them questions that demonstrate that you truly want to understand and love them better with each passing year. When we are old and grey, I can picture my husband and I, hand in hand, listening, leaning in, learning and growing. I pray the same for you.

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Why Values in Marriage Matter

By Tomi Toluhi • December 18, 2024
Sharon was a God-loving, go-getting, hard-driving, ambitious woman with grand dreams of conquering the world. She had all her plans carefully laid out. She would own her own business by 35, hit her first million by 37, exponentially grow her business and by 40 she would branch out into real estate acquisition. Her ultimate goal was to make millions, not for herself, but to provide a better life for orphaned children in her community. She had felt the pain of being parent-less and passed from relative to relative with no real stability growing up. She knew what it felt like to go to bed hungry and cold. No child should ever have to go through what she went through growing up. She was determined to do everything in her power to rescue, nurture and care for as many orphans as she could. Mark was a stable, godly, focused man with the ministry on his mind. For as long as he could remember, he had always felt a divine call to be a missionary. Reaching unreached people-groups was his consuming passion. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to spend his life preaching, teaching and pastoring in an island community where no Christian church existed. He was committed to living among these forgotten people and reflecting the light and love of Jesus to them. Then Mark met Sharon. They fell in love, had a whirlwind courtship, got married…and reality struck. You can already tell where their story is heading. Wondering what became of Mark and Sharon? We will never find out because they are entirely fictional but their story illustrates a point which I have observed graphically playing out in some marriages. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone who shares your Christian values but whose life values are wildly different from yours. Your values manifest in two different ways; what is right and what is wrong in your view, and what matters to you most. The dictionary supports this distinction in our understanding of values. Values could refer to the principles or standards of behaviour which you subscribe to, including your commitment to live by Biblical standards, but on the other hand values could equally refer to your judgement of what is important in life. Sometimes Christian singles are encouraged to pursue a relationship with someone because they are both Christians and want to please God with their lives, ignoring the fact that pleasing God means different things to different people. Your desire to please God will play out differently in your life compared to the person who sits next to you in Church on Sunday, based on your values. Your assignment is to find someone whose life values align closely to yours so that you can both stay true to your values in marriage. To some people, pleasing God simply means living a quiet life raising their families in a godly manner. Others want to go out in the marketplace, business, politics or academia and make a big difference as leaders. Yet others want to dedicate their lives fully to God’s work in some form of ministry, caring spiritually for a lost and dying world. None of these approaches is more noble than the next; they’re just different. What is right for one person may not be right for the other. It’s all a question of what matters to you and how God wired you internally. Amos 3:3 makes a succinct statement in this regard. “Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?” In other words, before you hitch your wagon to someone else’s vehicle, ask yourself “Are we heading in the same direction?” If someone is heading for Australia and the other person is heading for Austria, the destinations sound similar but the direction of travel for those two countries is completely different. The destination you intend to arrive will determine the route you choose to travel in life. If you get in the same vehicle with someone going in a different direction, one of three things will happen; you will arrive at your desired destination and they won’t, they will arrive at their desired destination and you won’t, or neither of you will arrive at your preferred destination. When people fall in love and emotions are running high, it’s easy to think that these things don’t matter, or that they will sort themselves out with time. Twenty years of counselling married couples suggests otherwise to me. When the music stops and the stars fall out of their eyes, reality collides with fantasy as they slowly come to terms with the fact that one or both of them will need to compromise on their values for the survival of their marriage, and compromise you must. If you are already married to someone whose values are diametrically opposed to yours, compromise is your only option because in God’s eyes the survival of your marriage has to take precedence over your closely held dreams. When I think about my life and the things that drive me daily, I realise how blessed I am to be married to a man who is driven by a similar impetus. He encourages me to fulfil God’s call for my life because it aligns with God’s call on His life. Our values are congruent. I shudder to think what my life would have been like if I had married a man who dances to the beat of a different drum. I would have had to lay aside all the possibilities before me to embrace a different future. It would have been a painful but inescapable compromise. Values are critical because they influence how you choose to spend your energy, where you invest your time and how you allocate your money. Consequently, if your values are fundamentally different from your spouse’s, you may love each other but you will not be able to enjoy living with each other until you have made deep and necessary compromises. There will be many fault-lines and potential battlegrounds where you will disagree and there will be no ‘right’ answer. If you want different things in life but you want to be in each other’s lives, something will have to give. You will either have to be faithful to your love or faithful to your values; the best marriages occur when you can be both at the same time.  If you’re considering getting married to someone, spend time exploring with them what their values are. Ask questions and read between the lines of every conversation, trying to sense what matters to them. Crucially, observe their lifestyle. A person’s values are more eloquently conveyed by the life they live than the words they speak. When you observe the trajectory of someone’s life, where they will land is predictable. An oak tree doesn’t become one overnight, but the leaves of the tiny seedling will tell you what it’s future holds. Ask…listen…observe, and above all else be prayerful.
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