Research has shown that 80% of men are more sexual than their wives. There are of course some women who have a stronger sex drive than their husbands and invariably counsellors tend to find that where this is the case, she is most likely to be an extrovert and he an introvert. If your wife is the one frequently chasing you for sex, you should get on your knees and sing ‘Hallelujah’ that God has blessed you that way. 80% of your brothers would happily swap places with you!
Today I want to focus on that 80%. Perhaps you got married with all sorts of dreams and expectations about the sizzling sex life you and the beloved wife of your youth would share and now, five years into marriage, your dreams are slowly fading away. If so, read on. Satisfying sex is crucial to the happiness of any marriage so today I want to give you a peek into what’s really going on with your wife.
Before we get into the detail, consider the fact that while the disparity in husband-wife sexual desires may seem like a recipe for disaster, in God’s infinite wisdom it is actually an invitation to a higher way of living that is less self-centred and more sacrificial. In God’s plan, you get more of what you want not by demanding it from your spouse but by giving your spouse more of what they want. God’s concept of love is absolute genius! Hold that thought in your mind as we explore the areas in which an awesome husband gives to his wife.
Recognition
Your wife will respond best when you give recognition to her uniqueness and celebrate it. 1 Peter 3:7 says something very insightful to husbands. ‘…you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation]’. The King James Version puts it this way, ‘… dwell with your wives according to knowledge…’ There are things you need to know about your wife that will make you a successful husband to her. God expects you to know and understand your wife thoroughly. Some men simply throw their hands in the air and say, ‘I don’t understand women’ but successful husbands see their wives as a fascinating, intriguing personality whom they really want to study and understand.
One of the things you are likely to discover when you study your wife is that what sex means to a woman is very different from what sex means to a man. Men are driven to seek sexual fulfilment primarily in response to a biological urge. Women experience sexual desire on a more emotional level. It is a savvy husband that understands that the impetus for his wife to desire sex with him is less physical and more emotional. A man’s sex drive is similar to hunger for food; it is constant, relentless and does not depend much on happenings around him. For most women, their sex drive is more latent; smouldering under the surface, and it takes a knowledgeable husband to know how to tap into those hidden desires in his wife.
Because a woman’s sex drive is not often hunger-driven, it can easily fall towards the bottom of her priority list unless she is inspired by an attentive husband. When a man pays attention to his wife, it puts her in touch with her sexual self and reminds her how important intimacy with her husband really is. A little attention from you can plant a longing for sex in your wife’s mind where she was not previously thinking about it. It amazes me that a husband can pay little attention to his wife all day long, neglect to tune in to her emotional needs when he comes home in the evening and expect her to be on fire at night. If you treat your wife that way consistently, all you will experience is wet wood…a little fizzle and definitely no fire!
Reconnection
Your wife is an emotional being and she needs you to connect with her emotionally every single day. When women connect with their husbands emotionally, they begin to feel more sexual. Emotional connections are not self sustaining. There needs to be an established rhythm for reconnecting with your wife daily. When you get home from work and your wife wants to know about your day and how you’re feeling, she is not trying to be nosy or to interrogate you. She is trying to reconnect with you. When she tries to share her feelings and frustrations with you at the end of the day, she is usually not looking to you for solutions; she is simply trying to reconnect with you. She wants you to see into her and she wants to see into you. That’s what intimacy means.
A husband who does not understand this will immediately go into problem solving mode and try to sort out her issues quickly so he can move on to other things. Your wife doesn’t need your answers; she needs your attention. She needs your ear, your empathy, your encouragement, not necessarily answers. This can be hard for many men because they are naturally problem solvers. Very often, all your wife needs is to feel heard and she instantly feels better, more alive emotionally and more interested sexually. A wise husband will not view his wife’s emotions as a nuisance; he will value them as a gift from God to add richness to his life.
Romance
Your wife needs to know that she is special to you. If you’re thinking, ‘Well, she should know; I wouldn’t have married her if she wasn’t special’, you need to realise that in a woman’s mind, it doesn’t work that way. Your wife needs to be constantly reassured that you treasure her and she is your top priority after God. When a woman asks her husband to be more romantic, this is what she means. Romance tells her that she’s at the forefront of your mind and you value her. In the minds of some men, romance equals sex but in your wife’s mind that is not so. Romance is the little things you do to demonstrate to her that she is worth pursuing and your pursuit did not end when you got her to the altar. Think about the things that you did to gain her attention before you married her. Where has all of that gone? Some men treat their wives as if she was a project they had to accomplish but now that’s over they’ve moved on to other things. Loving your wife successfully is a lifelong project.
Being romantic with your wife gives her a sense of security and reassurance that you are committed to your union with her. May I also say that romance should not simply be a means to an end. If the only time you shower your wife with attention, say nice things to her or touch her is when you want sex, she will soon begin to view your attention as meaningless. Be loving with your wife just because you love her, not because you want something in return. When last did you and your wife do something fun together? Your wife wants to be your best friend and friends have fun together. If you always choose the company of your male buddies over your wife, you will drift apart because intimacy is based on shared experiences.
Rest
Men often seek sex to relieve their stress and relax. Conversely, most women need to be relaxed and feel rested to enjoy sex at its best. If your wife is constantly too tired for sex, have you considered that she might be overloaded? Women are natural care-givers and many women work as well as carrying the majority of the responsibility for caring for the home and children. If your wife is constantly working 18 hour days with no assistance, it should be no wonder that she has no energy left over for you at the end of the day. What can you do to lighten her load?
If a husband does not commit to helping his wife manage her time and energy, sex will just feel like another chore which she needs to tick off her to do list daily and it will become a burden. If he makes unrealistic demands of her and expects her to mother him and his children, manage the household, hold down a job or run a business, have a freshly cooked meal on the table every night without any assistance and still be full of energy for him at night, he does need to call himself to question. How many men can function under such relentless pressure? Many women are burning out and their husband’s don’t see the signs. Your wife is fully equipped to be your helpmeet but sometimes the helpmeet also needs some help! Caring for your wife’s wellbeing is your high calling as a husband. Ephesians 5:28-29 explains that a husband brings out the best in his wife by loving her like his own body, nourishing and cherishing her wholeheartedly. If your wife is drowning under a sea of responsibility, rescue her and see what that does for her libido! To a woman, there is something infinitely attractive about a man who will use his strength to protect her wellbeing.
Respect
Men thrive on respect and a wise wife will always show her husband the utmost respect. Similarly, your wife deserves your respect. Particularly, in this context, your wife will thrive when you respect her needs and desires. A great lover is one who listens. The best person to teach you how to please your wife sexually is your wife. If you try to love your wife sexually the way you feel she should be loved, the way your male friends say she should be loved or the way the media portrays, you will probably get it wrong most of the time. If your wife cannot communicate her needs to you for fear of how you will react, you are losing out. Don’t view it as an affront when your wife communicates what she needs. As you tune in to your wife’s needs, putting your desires aside to please her, you will be amazed at how she will bloom.
Closely connected with this is the need for you to respect your wife’s body. Women are incredibly sensitive about their bodies so if you make fun of your wife, point out that she is overweight or compare her with other women, she will quickly lose confidence in herself and her sexual desires will fly out of the window. Your wife should feel like she is the most beautiful woman in the world because of the respect you show her. If all of this sounds like hard work, remember that your aim is to have a more sexual wife. If you take to heart this advice from a woman’s perspective and practice it consistently and patiently, in time and you will reap the benefits of a happy, confident, more sexual wife. When she gets what she needs, you get what you want. I would say that’s a great deal!
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