Does it matter if I and the person I am thinking about marrying have different views when it comes to the role God plays in our lives? If we get on well in all other areas and agree to respect each other’s differences when it comes to spirituality can a relationship not work under those circumstances? What if the person I want to marry believes in God but is less concerned about spiritual things than I am, can I not influence them positively later on in marriage? These are some of the questions people find themselves grappling with as they approach the crucial decision of who to marry. In the last few days I have had a number of messages and emails asking questions relating to spiritual compatibility so I thought I would write a blog post addressing this issue.
First things first
It all depends on how much your relationship with God means to you. If your life is centred around God, as it should be, contemplating marrying someone whose life is centred elsewhere presents unique problems which you would not have had otherwise. Couples sometimes downplay the importance of spiritual compatibility in their relationship because during the initial stages of the relationship they seem to have so much else in common that they minimise the importance of this fundamental area. There is a tendency to think that because you like each other, have fun together and agree on a lot of things, your spiritual differences can be worked out as you go along. However, there are a number of reasons why this approach does not work.
Storing up conflict
Harmonious marriages are usually a union between two people who have shared values. Your values determine how you view life, what is important to you in life, and consequently the decisions you make about your life. If God is central to your life then your values will emanate from your relationship with Him. To attempt to share your life with someone whose core values emanate from elsewhere and whose decisions will be driven by a different agenda is to store up conflict for later years. There are many potential areas of conflict when you marry someone who does not believe what you believe: Where will you get married? What happens regarding worship after you marry? In what faith will your children be raised? What happens if you want to get involved in your Church or give to godly causes and he or she disagrees? There is so much potential for conflict in the future. It has been my observation over the years that people who claim to be fairly relaxed about these issues before marriage suddenly become more militant about their views once the adjustment period of marriage gets underway and especially when children enter the picture.
Betraying you
In order for you to live in some semblance of peace in an arrangement where there is spiritual incompatibility, either one of you is going to have to betray your core values in an attempt to achieve compromise. Have you considered what you will have to give up in order to live peacefully with this person? If you are passionate about your relationship with God and you marry someone who is lukewarm about their relationship with God, or indeed has no relationship with God to speak of, then you will have to tone down your passion in order to accommodate their indifference. Rarely does the compromise happen in the opposite direction. If someone is on a ladder heading upwards, it is always easier for someone lower down to pull them down than for them to pull that person up. So it is with trying to go on a spiritual rescue mission in order to be able to marry someone. If you are trying to influence someone positively for Christ it should not be with the ultimate agenda of marrying them. If that happens naturally then it is an added bonus but it should not be the reason why you pursue someone for Christ. On the other hand, if the person you are contemplating getting married to is less spiritual than you are but they are pursuing a deeper relationship with God of their own volition, then it is safe to assume that they are not being swayed by the prospect of marrying you. If you have to beg, cajole, convince and persuade this person to get involved with spiritual matters, then you have your work cut out for you if you decide to get married to them because as soon as the motivating factor, their desire to marry you, is removed, they will revert back to status quo.
Life happens
When the challenges of life hit, as they always do, who will be by your side? You want your closest confidant to be someone who has confidence in, and a solid relationship with, God. Someone who can offer you godly advice and encouragement. Someone who can stand with you spiritually and pray with you when your world seems to be caving in. Clearly you will not get that sort of support from someone who has a dubious relationship with God. This also applies when you marry someone who claims a knowledge of God but has a shallow relationship with God and does not desire anything beyond that. The issue of whom to marry goes beyond whether that person professes Christ or not. The biblical admonition, ‘You will know them by their fruits’ comes to mind. Many Christians do not realise that when they choose to marry an immature Christian who is not interested in growing in faith, they will experience many of the same relationship difficulties they would have experienced with someone who has no relationship with God at all. Virtues like forgiveness, patience, kindness and humility do not come naturally to most of us. They have to be worked into us through a living, breathing, growing relationship with God.
Trusting the God in you
I don’t know about you but, I would never trust my heart into the hands of a man whose heart is not secure in God. Human nature is too fickle to depend totally on who someone says they will be to you 20 years down the line if they don’t have the help of God. People change but when the word of God is a permanent anchor in their lives, you know for a certainty that any changes will be for the better. The reason I trust my husband so implicitly is because I trust the God inside of him. I trust that he lives his life constantly under the influence of God and therefore will always seek my best interests. Similarly that is the reason why he trusts me to seek good for him at all times. The vows I made when I married him cannot be kept in my own power; only in God’s power. If I am tempted to be less than kind, loving, respectful, loyal or whatever other virtue is required to create a happy home environment, the Spirit of God within me is quick to call me to order. My husband can rely on that. As long as a person is God-ruled, you can trust that they will seek your best interests; if they are self-ruled, you do not have any such assurances and you are basically at the mercy of their whims. I can’t think of anything more risky than that. Are you prepared to take that chance?
Taking God’s eye view
From God’s perspective, spiritual compatibility is the most fundamental factor in choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with. In advising widows who were considering remarriage in 1 Corinthians 7:39, the Apostle Paul’s singular instruction was this. ‘…She is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord.’ As soon as we begin to view our relationships from God’s perspective, our choices become clearer. I have learnt that when you honour God in your decision making, He will honour you with good outcomes. If you want God’s blessing on your marriage you won’t get it by consciously marrying someone in whose life God is not a priority. If you are already into such a marriage, God will work with what you have and His grace will cover you. If are still at the decision making stage, you have the distinct advantage of shaping the future today by the decision you make. Marry someone who matches your passion for God. I can assure you that you will never regret doing it God’s way.
