How to tackle loneliness in marriage
Isolation in marriage is real. It manifests itself in many ways – living with someone but enjoying no togetherness; sharing your home but not sharing your lives; having a common address but no common purpose; talking to each other but not actually communicating; sharing meals, bills and kids but little else. One of the top reasons why people marry is for companionship so it is ironical that many individuals find that they are still lonely within a marriage. God was unequivocal in His purpose when He created the woman, declaring that ‘It is not good that the man should be alone’. God is not into loneliness. It is not part of His agenda. Psalm 68:6 tells us that ‘God sets the lonely in families…’
One of the greatest thrills in marriage is that settled knowledge that the person whom you are married to is also your best friend and the first person you want to share your joys and pains with. That was how God meant it to be.
Although God created marriage for companionship, companionship is not a natural result of getting married. The natural trend of any relationship is towards isolation and not intimacy. Intimacy does not just occur simply because you are married. It is the choices that we make after we are married that create an atmosphere of intimacy or isolation in a marriage. No couple ever consciously sets out to lead isolated lives; it just happens, one unconscious decision at a time. The rest of this article will help you identify three of the top reasons for isolation in marriage, how they may be affecting your marriage and what you can do about them.
Busyness
It should not surprise you that in our busy world, one of the strongest factors influencing the level of intimacy in our marriages is busyness. About 20 years ago, I read a book titled, ‘Pulling together when you’re pulled apart’ by Stuart and Jill Briscoe. It was my first year of marriage and my husband and I were as close as ever so many of the stories they shared on couples feeling lonely in marriage did not immediately resonate with me. However, they shared an illustration which has stuck with me over the years. Drawing on the principle of centrifugal forces in Physics, they described a situation where you spin an object round and round rapidly, much like you would do with a ball on a piece of string for instance. When you let go of the object, the natural tendency is for the object to fly outwards, not inwards. So it is with our marriages. When our lives are spinning round and round at a frantic pace, our natural tendency as a couple is to fly outwards towards isolation rather than inwards towards intimacy in the marriage. Jobs, children, family commitments, friends, even church commitments, can sometimes conspire to take up all of our time until we have nothing left for each other as a couple.
So what is the solution to inordinate busyness? We need to remember that intimacy in marriage is a deliberate choice – it is not a random occurrence. If you do not deliberately schedule time for each other, you will never have time for each other. It’s as simple as that. Scheduling time for each other demonstrates that you consider your relationship to be a priority. Start incrementally, perhaps by scheduling half an hour in your day when you can focus on each other and open up your hearts without the intrusion of technology. Forget your mobile phone, turn off the TV, and spend some time catching up with your spouse. Subsequently, you might be able to carve out a day a week, a weekend every month or even a week every year when you can reconnect as a couple and remember why you got married in the first place.
Unresolved conflict
Companionship thrives in an atmosphere of harmony. When there is disharmony in a marriage it is very difficult to feel close to each other. Unresolved conflict acts like a barrier or a wedge between the two of you and it must be removed in order for intimacy to be restored to your marriage. This is why it is dangerous to sweep issues under the carpet. Piling things up only serves to drive you further and further apart. Take the time to talk through your issues and iron out your differences. Resolve each issue as it comes, put it behind you and deliberately pull together again as a couple.
Divergent interests
One of the quickest ways to build intimacy in marriage is to do things together. Sometimes couples struggle because they have divergent interest. There is very little common ground. Perhaps when you first got married you had a lot of shared interests but over the years you have both developed divergent interests. It pays to take a conscious interest in what interests your spouse, whatever that might be – sports, politics, fitness, travel, whatever. Enter into your spouse’s world. The more common interests you share, the more you will have to talk about with each other and the closer you will feel to each other.
